Tired.

I am all messed up today. I am EXTREMELY tired because I can’t sleep worth a dang. Got like three hours of sleep last night and it wasn’t even good sleep. My eating is also messed up. My running is fine but I just don’t know if I can pull off my run for today because I am so tired. I am right on the edge kind of. I am not able to take much crap today. It will be better tomorrow but today is not so well. That is all I want to say for today. See you later

A neat Rocky Raccoon 100 Miler video.

Making it to a goal.

As I sit here writing this post I am listening to this song called “Epiphany” by Staind.  It is the perfect song for me right now at this moment and it is sounding so clear.

I have goals.  Some of them are small.  Some of them are unimaginable.  Sometimes my goals appear to be so far away from where I am now and at other times some of them seem very close.  For me, to get to a goal or to get where i want to go takes a lot of work.  It takes concentration and focus.  My goals never seem to just fall into my lap for some reason.  Maybe they don’t for anybody.  Or do they?  I don’t know.  For example, my running took a lot of focus and my big running goals seemed so far away at the start of the process.  Things start to change once you get on the journey though.  The more you think about your goal.  The more you visualize it and imagine how neat it would be to achieve it, the more feasible it seems to become.  This aspect of attaining a goal is something I have discovered more recently while in this hard circumstance that I am in.  I have always written down my goals and then scheduled small steps into a calender to achieve them but the thought life regarding the goal is a big factor I think.  It is like a compounding effect or a positive desensitization. 

I remember, more than 10 years ago when I first read of a man running the Badwater Ultra-marathon.  It stirred something up inside of me but it was obviously for elites only. BUT, as time went on and I thought on it more and more, it didn’t seem so bad to do an ultra-marathon.  In my mind it became something that was doable.   How can a person get to a place to even think that running 26, 40, 50, or even a 100 miles is concievably possible?  Today, I swear it all starts with the thought life regarding it.  As I fantasized about running a marathon and as I pictured myself doing it and read about them, I began to change in a way that would allow me to step out to give it a shot.

This is so true of the ultra-marathon for me.  When I tell people (usually you guys and my family only) that I am going to attempt running 100 miles non-stop, I see the concern on their faces.  The awe and shock of something of such magnitude.  Yes, it is a big deal.   Yes, it is havoc on your body.  Yes, it is VERY painful.  I don’t see it like they do anymore though.  I think I don’t see it like they do because of how much I have though about the distance.  I have thought so much about this distance that it is no longer shocking to think about.  It still inspires but it does not produce the fear or impossibility that it did before.  I thought about it, I learned about it,  I practiced at it, I thought about it more, I learned about it more, I began to prepare for it, now I am getting close to doing it.  I am not saying that I achieve my goals by shear thought alone.  I am just saying that it is a big factor for me in attaining what I really want.

Idea, Goal, thoughts, actions, attainment.

I’m on the list!

No turning back now.  I am officially on the Rocky Raccoon 100 Mile Trail Run list of entrants.  This is always big deal to me.  It makes solid my efforts.  It is a statement of my commitment.  I love to see my name on the list.  It’s not like registering for a big marathon.  Most ultras have a website where they list the entrants whereas the big marathons just have you put your number in and then you name pops up as entered.  There is something special to me about seeing my name among others who will take the same journey.  To see their names, where they are from, and depending on the race maybe even their occupation.  These are regular people (kind of. Hahaha) who want to go big.  Who want to do something extrememly special with their time and money.  They want to experience what few will ever experience. 

Just a special little moment to me.

Choice and growth.

I see the canyon above as a turning point.  A type of obstacle to life.  When you reach it, you have to stop.  You can’t jump across.  You can’t just jump on in and die.  You just stop there at the edge.  Yes, it is beautiful in the picture but the canyons or obstacles in our lives are not so beautiful sometimes.  Yet they produce the same kind of effect in me.  I reach an obstacle, then I stop.  Many times I don’t try and figure out a way THROUGH it because I am so disappointed that the obstacle is there in the first place.  I am finding that using the gift of choice that God gives me, allows me to move through the obstacles to a better place within myself.  Not only is the gift of choice awesome, but so are the obstacles as they remind us that we CAN choose.  The obstacle itself may be the greatest gift our lives can receive.

Since I have reached this gigantic canyon obstacle in my life, I have grown a lot because I have learned that I do have a choice.  I have a choice that allows me to grow.  I also have a choice to allow myself to go backwards.  That is why I call it a turning point.  I reach my canyon, then I have to choose.  Do I stay here and stagnate until I die without growing, do I turn back to old ways, or do I figure out my own heart and make it through, over, or across the obstacle.  I think I reach my highest potential when I choose to go through rather than the other two options.  However, this is not easy at all.  It is more painful in the short-term to start the process of going through it but in the long run it is much more painful to stay sick inside.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have choices.  I can choose to grow and I have found that personal growth is ACTUALLY a choice itself.  I have to be conscious of my need for growth so that I can choose that path.  Looking back, I see that this is how it has worked everytime I made big break throughs.  I looked at myself and said, “look Jason, you need to grow.  Growing is uncomfortable.  You have to choose to be uncomfortable to get where you want to go.  Now go and make the choice to grow.”

Emotional eating. My situation is getting the best of me today.

I have not been doing well on my eating this week at all.  I actually plan on continuing this until at least Sunday night.  My hurtful situation is really getting to me today.  I have had a really good week emotionally and mentally but yesterday and today has been tough.  It seems that no matter what I do my situation does not improve even a tiny bit (although, as a person, I have improved dramatically it is just my situation that doesn’t).  I could try this or try that but it doesn’t even make a damn difference.  This is very hard for me because I usually get results in things that I work on.  Not this time though.  This time I have no control on the outcome.  I only have control on how I deal with it and make sure that I grow as a person.

I am trying my best to improve it but I might have to go to plan B, or C, or……..  I try to think of it like ultra-running where you just have to keep on no matter what.  Even if you have to change goals you still get the mostbasic and underlying desired outcome in the end by keeping on.  This time I don’t know if it will be like that.  I am still being a loving, compassionate, and forgiving person but it is not getting me anywhere.  Don’t get me wrong, I am getting maximum potential out of myself and my growth but the situation is still hurting me.  It seems that relief only comes few and far between.

Anyway, I have been making a ton of unwise choices with my eating as a result of this.  Even though I have felt great this week, the heaviness never really leaves.  It is wearing my down.  I am tired.  I don’t like it anymore.  Not that I ever liked it though.  I still see it as a gift but what a hard gift to handle.

VERY difficult run. But I know why!

In this pic I am cleaning my feet during the 50 miler last July.  I put this up just because I felt better at the 28 mile mark during this race than I did yesterday just trying to go 6 miles.  Plus, I figured you haven’t really seen pics of me lately.  Although this is not “really” lately.

I had a 6 mile tempo run with the middle three miles at a 6:30 pace.  I was able to do the middle three miles at 6:40 but it was so gosh dang hard for me.  Even the slower three miles was hard.  But I did not panic.  I tried to relax, focus, and do what I came to do.  Finish the run the best I could.  I did that but geesh. 

The reason the run was so hard I think is because of what I have been eating.  Pizza, cookies, more pizza, more cookies.  There are two other contributing factors also: My current heart ache and the 51 miles I ran last weekend.  Mostly I think it was the food but emotions have a huge part to play in endure I think.  I felt too full and it was just harder than heck to run.

Nevertheless I finished the sucker and I finished it pretty well too.  Bye bye now.

Commencing race preparation.

Finally, I got all of my travel arrangements settled and finalized for the 100 miler.  This is a very stressful event for me, the travel planning that is.  It is the biggest reason why I don’t do more marathons away from home or beyond driving distance.  It is just so much more intensive as far as travel goes and the planning that goes into it.  However, the only 100 mile races near me are gruesome and difficult compared to the one I am doing.  I prefer not to run 100 mile into the deep forested mountains with no trail markings or aid stations.  It scares the shit out of me actually.  Getting lost is a big fear of mine so I stay FARRRRRRR away from races that have a high “getting lost” potential.  And there are many.

My chosen race is the most superb 100 miler for aid station support, experienced ultra-runner volunteer support, and easy access for my handlers.  It will be a good experience.

I am feeling kind of bad today.  Not WAY horrible but pretty bummed out for various reasons.  Life is confusing sometimes but  you keep on moving through it nonetheless.  It is funny how life works.  Sometimes the thing that sparks your heart just doesn’t spark anymore.  Then you move on to something that does.  I have been through many different “phases” where the thing I liked lost it’s power to appeal and then I began to move on to another life enhancing thing.  Thank God for running though.  I have been at running, very consistently, for a pretty long time (for my timelines sake).  That is why I focus so much on injury free running, taking proper recovery time off, and not going crazy with mileage on a weekly basis.  I don’t want to burnt out or get hurt, that would defeat the whole purpose of running’s ability to consistently pick me up both physically and emotionally.  It is wonderful therapy and has been indispensable these last few months.

Keep on keeping on.  That is all it takes.  Never giving up.

Eating……….

Oh yeah, I have been eating like a freaking mad man all week.  In fact, I feel so damn full right now because I just ate a bunch of pizza and some of my sisters world-famous, most fantastic, absolutely irresistable cookies.

Time is short.

Today I am realizing that I don’t have that much more time until the 100 miler.  I am getting more excited.  Staying healthy and un-injured is my main goal for the next 50 days.  I will have some very serious long run weekends coming up.  I think I have 4 weekends of 55+ miles for each.  I have two weeks where my weekly total will be pretty high towards the end of this gigantic training cycle.  I have, in a sense, be working towards this goal for two years once the race hits.  I have been doing much more focused training this year for the 100 miler.  I am also getting more confident (while still retaining great respect for the distance) regarding my attempt to finish the run.

I am also starting to focus in my mind on what I will need to bring to the race.  I am going to need things like large quantities of my calorie drink,

lots of electrolyte pills,

duct tape,

vicks vapo-rub,

bandaids,

extra socks,

second pair of running shoes,

extra shirt,

some hand towels to wash my feet,

pain medicine,

flash lights,

2 head lamps,

Extra batteries,

and the list goes on quite a bit.  This does not include my regular clothing to wear on the plane.  I don’t look forward to the plane flight after the race.  It is going to be very uncomfortable probably and I will most likely be a bit sick.  So goes the world of ultra-running.  I always get asked the question, “Do you actually pay to do that!!???”  Yes I do.  I am paying for it but the monetary price is very insignificant compared to the time and effort paid prior to the race.  That time and effort can change your life, your body, and your mind.  No matter what happens, I will never EVER regret this attempt at a glorious life time goal.  My preparation season is coming to an end and it is time to reap what I have sown.

Going to register today.

I am going to finally officially sign up for the Rocky Raccoon 100 Mile Endurance Run today.  There are about 200 people signed up right now for the 100 miler.  The race also has a 50 mile option too.  The time limit for the 100 miler is 30 hours.  That comes out to be about an 18 minute mile average pace for the cut-off.  I know that seems really slow but only about 68% people finished the distance last year.  You can’t just start out at that pace because there is always a big slow down in the second half of the race and also during the night.  I think I might be running in the night more than I am running in the day actually.  24 hours is a lofty goal for anyone other than elite runners it seems but I think it is not realistic for me.  My only goal is to finish prior to the 30 hour cut-off.  I am excited, nervous, scared, and determined.  I have 52 days until the start.

Losing Heart?

Today, I find myself in a peculiar place.  I have been feeling very good for the last two days despite the craziness that surrounds me.  I have been busy at work with a great project so I have not been thinking on my situation as much as I was even 4 days ago.  This has brought some relief as well as confusion.  So as I think a bit less of it, I have begun to lose heart regarding it too.  Although I am still walking in great forgiveness and mercy and understanding, my heart is drifting away from it.  It is not so “attached” I guess.  And for me, this feels weird.  Because I am a pretty attached person to my people, routines, things, etc.  Whatever I like I get pretty attached to.

Here we go………….

Well, he we go I say.  Moving on through another day full of opportunites.  I am happy to have two full days of no exercise early this week.  It will give me a much needed break for my little tendons and ligaments to heal up.  I am surprisingly not to sore at the moment.  I am actually less sore then I was prior to my 20 mile run yesterday.  I plan to have it hit me hard in the morning as the second day is usually my worst as far as soreness goes.

I wanted to say thank you to all of the readers who read and subscribe to my blog.  I really do appreciate all of the comments and encouragement that I get from all of you.  It is most wonderful to read a timely comment when I am having a bad day.

Something I learned this weekend with these long runs is that when the going gets REALLY tough, we can REALLY keep going.  We all have those nagging thoughts about not doing what we want or feel we need to do.  These are powerful thoughts and they are no small issue to overcome, but they can be overcome.  So today, I say, just take one step in the right direction.  Take one moment for that step, allow the momentum to start.  For without that first step, getting to where you want to go will be impossible.  And at the same time, try not to think of the full distance.  Just think about that next step.  That next meal.  That next 5 minutes of exercise.  That next wise choice for your life.  We can’t change ourselves or our lives over night but we can make a step today towards what we really want.  Don’t get bogged down to much by the weight of the full picture.  That picture will become a reality as time goes on while you take each next step.  It’s a journey you know!!!  Savor it for what it is.  Appreciate the ups and downs so that you can see who you really are.  And heck, if you don’t like who you really are, that is no big deal either because that can be changed too.  With one small step in the direction that you want to go.

Thanks ya’ll.  You are all highly appreciated.

BIG running weekend.

This weekend I had back-to-back long runs.  My goal was 55 miles for the weekend but I ended up with less.  During my runs this weekend I experienced freezing rain, icy roads, snow, regular rain, and very cold temperatures.  I also found and discovered lots of very interesting items being out on the road for so long.  I found a family photo that I will post later.  I saw divorce papers, job resume, heroin needles galore, an unbelievable amount of used condoms, probably 50 cd’s, porn videos, regular dvds, drivers licsense, credit cards, credit card statements, bills, money, and a mother load of other cools stuff.  I always look for cool stuff on my long runs.  I never pick it up except for that family photo.  I liked that.  Anyway, here is the stats.

51 miles for the weekend, done in 9:45, within a 28 hour time window.  All is good.  My right big toe hurts like a bitch but it will be better in no time.  This was a 33.5 mi run and a 17.5 mile run

60 days

I have 60 days until the early morning start to my 100 mile trail run.  That is not very far away.  If I can stay injury free until then I will embark on an intense physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual journey unlike any other in the world.  I may be running for 30 hours straight through a pine needle covered forest floor immersed in my deep though.  I will be buring some 800 calories per hour while doing my darndest to take in around 300 calories per hour.  I have worked for over a year to get to this place in my running.  All of my efforts with training have went exactly as planned.  My muscles, joints, tendons, ligaments, etc. have all been beaten down only to be rebuilt again stronger.  I do not take the journey lightly however.  It is a serious venture.  It is not for the faint of heart.  THe training itself has been a pretty intense journey.  Just think, more than a whole year to release everything I know about running in one FULL day of running.  Won’t it be amazing eh?  Who would have ever thought?

Deep sense of humility and meaning.

I hope that it is not too annoying for you guys to see that I am not posting a lot on weight loss and exercise.  It is just that they are sooooo small in comparison to what is going on in my life, in my heart.  I am maintaining just fine in those two areas for this time of my life though just so you know.

I have found much meaning during this trial in my life.  Though I have been devestated greatly, I am finding my way.  I have been writing in a journal.  A hand written journal.  This has turned out to be a profound experience of exploration into the depths of myself and life in general.  It has allowed me to search each situation of this time in my life to reach a cross-roads.  At these numerous cross-roads I come to a decision.  This decision is to live.  To learn.  To face.  The more I write, the less I go into the deep pit of despair.  The more I write about where i am at within myself, the more I realize I am strong in weakness.  I have found that I have short changed myself for years.  I have always tried to escape everything which has really aided to keep me where i dont want to be.

To my great surprise and astonishment, I am finding profound meaning in all of this choas and hurt.  I have realized that selfishness disappears when compassion comes in.  And when compassion on those who hurt you comes in, a significant change occurs.  This change is humbling because it just doesn’t seem like it can come from me alone.  “It must be God,” I think to myself.  If I am at a place where I have nothing to actually give but am still able to give what I don’t have is amazing.  The strength and resiliancy of the human spirit is deep.  I have been only living on the surface of life for so long.  I didn’t know this at the time, but going down so deep, deeper than I ever thought I would go has given me a glimpse of the actual depths of life.  I don’t want to miss out on that anymore.  I remember now that deep calls out to deep.  That so many of us live on the surface of life because it is safe.  In this safe place there is much meaningless.  Playing it safe emotionally with yourself and others make things less interesting.  Who really knows you when you live there.  Do you really know yourself when you live there?  I don’t know.

I went for years before I met Jesus telling myself that “I am just being real.  I don’t care what other people think.”  This was a joke.  Being “myself” was me trying to play it safe so that i did not get hurt.  Being “myself” kept everyone at a distance because I was so insecure.  I did care what people think but I had to pretend that I didn’t so that I didn’t get hurt if they didn’t like me for whatever reason.  Now, I am ok if someone doesn’t like me.  It is just fine.  I have given up trying to control this.  If they don’t like me I can’t make them like me.  There is freedom here.  It still hurts but knowing that I can’t control it makes a big difference.  Since I am not so afraid of the hurt now, I also don’t have to try and be a way to make sure I don’t get hurt.  This is all humbling. 

I know I am just jumping all over the place with my writing on the blog and it might now make any sense at all to someone of you.  This is fine though.  I know some of you understand too.  Thanks all!

Really taking what life has to offer you! Deep from my heart.

You have heard it a millions times in some form or another.  People talk about it all the time.  TV, movies, books……………  They all allude to it.  You only live once.  You have to take ALL that life has to offer.  Take life by the balls. Go for all you can in life.  EXPERIENCE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow.  What inspirational words.  What a way to live life eh!  Experience life.  I see a problem here though.  Honestly, I have always thought this way too, until now.  Oh yes, I still say experience all that life has to offer but that is not what MOST people are talking about.  Most people are talking about experiencing all THE GOOD THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER.  Most people avoid hurt, pain, insecurity, and deep issues like the plague.  I used to be one of them.  UNTIL NOW.

We all have problems, we all have issues.  Nobody is immune to the bad.  In a sense, we are only experiencing half or some of what life has to offer.  Sure, I know that hurt and pain and issues are not fun or enjoyable but they do offer each of us more life.  Avoiding, escaping, avoiding, escaping really cramps your style after a while.  And in the end, it seems that you’re robbed of all you can be by escaping the hard times in life.  Facing the bad and working through it in a process towards healing is life changing.  How life changing is a vacation to your most fantasized destination.  It happens, it’s over, you have pictures, you have something to talk about.  But what I am trying to say is that humbly and humanly facing deep hurts is a most fascinating way to COMPLETELY CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

You are scared, you fear what is deep inside.  You enjoy escaping and avoiding it.  It can be ugly in there (you/me) but it is not bad.  It is a propellant towards change.  Real, lasting, and fulfilling change.  For example, I was fat and obese.  I know this as it is no secret.  Others might not even see it like I do but I KNOW it is there.  The issue is there but I keep avoiding it and trying to escape the pain of it being there.  The more I avoid and escape from the reality of it the worse it becomes.  I live on happy and content but DEEP down I wasn’t because I always knew it was there and I didn’t like it.  It was undeniable truth that I was fat. I was so scared of facing it.  THEN, one day I said F__K it.  This has to stop.  I must bear this pain, this humiliation, this insecurity, this fear of what my own choices have caused.  I weighed in at 307.6 lbs.  AHHHHHH!  It was over, but it had also just begun.  Finally facing it, finally admitting the reality that was right there gave me a fighting chance to heal.  To change, to be the person I so desperately wanted to be.  This never would have happened had I not faced the issue head on despite my fear and pain attached to it.  I worked through this same process with alcohol.

So, don’t get cheated in life.  REALLY, take ALL that life has to offer.  Reality is tough sometimes but it can be ever so sweet to receive all the gifts that it has to offer.  Don’t sell yourself short by avoiding and escaping the pains and the issues.  Dive in, see it for what it is, heal, live, change, become.  It hurts, I have to admit, but in the end you will become that person you REALLY are.

Have a great life.

Going WW again.

I have some of my bearing back today.  I am now doing WW again the proper way.  I have not been eating over my points I am almost positive because I just have not been eating.   Today I am working at chipping away my necessary points for the purposes of good health.  I can’t keep going on without proper nutrition.  For one, I will develop bad habits and eventually end up where I was before.  Two, I will just be beating the shit out of my body by not feeding it well during my training.  It should also help with the severe mental fatigue that I am experiencing.  All in all, I feel good about it and have been doing good so far today about staying on WW.

I have also recommited to myself kind of.  I will keep working on myself.  Improving in physical and emotional health. I am responsible for me and my choices.  I can’t blame anything for anything.  If I want to remain healthy in all aspects of my life then I will need to move forward to make sure that that is what I do.  Nobody can or will do this for me.  It feels good really.  Well, of course I will have God’s help and I desparately need that too.  I am happy for that as well.

run and eat run and eat

I have been sticking to my running very well.  I have not been sticking to my eating that well.  Actually, I have not been eating enough at all and when I do eat it has not been the best choices. Lately, it seems that I can go for days without eating but I usually don’t let it get that far.  I have been trying to eat something each day and on my good days have been eating several times a day just a little bit.  I don’t know what kind of havoc this is doing to my body but it seems to be holding me to get my running done.  It is just hard to eat for me sometimes now.  Not that I am trying to eat but I just forget or my stomach has so many butterflies that I just can’t do it.  As far as the running goes, I have still been kicking ass.  My legs are not even sore now from my 40+ mile run.  That is pretty unbelievable.  I am proud of that as it speaks volumes for my training approach of low mileage.

Special words

This is my life.  It’s not what it was before.  All these feelings that I’ve shared and these dream are my dreams that I’d never lived before.  Somebody shake me ’cause I, I must be sleeping.

Now that we’re here, it’s so far away.  All the struggle we fought was in vain and the mistakes, one life contained.  They all finally start to go away.  And now that we’re here, it’s so far away.  And I feel like I can face the day and I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.

These are my words that I’ve never said before.  I think I’m okay and this is the smile that I’ve never shown before.  Somebody shake me ’cause I, I must be sleeping

Now that we’re here, it’s so far away.  All the struggle we fought was in vain and the mistakes, one life contained.  They all finally start to go away.  And now that we’re here, it’s so far away.  And I feel like I can face the day and I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.

Song by Staind