Comforting words for me………..

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.  You learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security.  And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.  And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is to uncertain.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much of it.  So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul instead of waiting  for someone to bring you flowers.  And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, and you really do have worth.  And you learn and you learn.  With every goodbye you learn.

Author unknown.

Limbo.

Oh to be in limbo.  It is the worst thing for a person like me.  I like things to be settled.  I am slowing moving from a place of extreme torment and limbo to a place of peace again.  Well, not peace yet, but at least I now have some direction.  At least now I have SOME answers to my questions.  I can begin my process of moving on now.  I can begin to live again.  Will it be easy, hell freaking no it won’t be easy.  It will actually suck but it is better than living in the limbo and unknown.  There is no way to control people and there is no reason to even try.  I am still hurting and still crushed but I am at least feeling like I am on my way to recovery.

Nothing worse than this!

Well, as I sit here and write, I have to admit that I still don’t want too.  Well, maybe it is that I don’t really have the mental energy to write.  I am not sure.  I am crushed but not destroyed.  I am ruined but not dead.  This is the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life and I am hard pressed to think that anything could be worse.  I feel alone.  I am not however.  I have loving family who try and encourage.  I wish I could just let it all out right here.  Tell the whole world what is going on in my life.  An  odd occurence, is that those who have broken me and my life will read this.  Will they read it with remorse for bring pain to another.  Will they read it and laugh as if there is not heart in this world.  Will they read it and think that only self matters and that the feelings, lives, family, future of others is irrelevant.  Will this blog post even be read by them.  I forgive you!  I will never again live my life without the trust of my own instincts.  My own gut reactions that I was deceived into thinking were crazy.  They are/were not.  I have grown tremendously in the last two months.  I have become my own pillar that relies on God rather than an amoeba that relies on the acceptance and love of another.  I will make it.  I can stand.  No doubt about it.  Does this mean my brokeness is not real just because I will overcome.  Hell freaking no.  My brokeness is the most real thing I have ever experienced and I am not for a moment going to try and escape it.  I am through with escaping.  I have found that even the worst fucking hurts can be a golden gift if you allow yourself to face for what it really is.  PAINFUL!  If I get into fantasy living and try to escape, I will lift off into a happy and beautiful make believe land.  Sooner or later I will begin to think that this is how REAL life should be.  But when the escape and fantasy end, I will settle right back down through the happy clouds to find myself never have grown.  Never have moved from the place I was when I tried to escape.

So despite this horrific pain, I am not eating my way to happiness.  I am not drinking my way to happiness.  i am not relying on the internet, yard work, or anything else to escape.  I am working through it.  I am not afraid anymore.  Well, I am a bit but not like I was just some short months ago.  I only hope that hurt and bitterness will not rise up and stay.  i will work on this to.  I have lost at least three pounds in the last week.

This may have been jumbled up as a blog post but it is what it is.

don’t forget about me!

I am still doing my WW very well.  Well, yesterday wasn’t great but over-all I am doing good and dropping lbs slowly but surely.  I am also kicking major butt in my running.

I have other stuff going on right now so blogging is far from my mind.  Don’t forget about me.  I will be back.

Weight watchers weigh-in update!

I weighed in last night.  I was so afraid of going for a month now but since Monday I have had a renewed spirit.  I was not scared to go at all yesterday.  I was just going to take reality for what it was.  I can’t change it immediately, I can’t pretend it is not real, I can’t do anything rationally except take it for what it is.  So I climbed in my truck after a very tough speedwork out at the track and left for my meeting.

I walked right into the building, went to the receptionist and asked how much I had to pay.  I haven’t paid since December of 2007 so I really had no idea.  She was shocked at my asking because she knows me and just felt that I was not going to need to.  She did not want to let me.  She was in denial.  I explained to her that I KNEW I WOULD HAVE TO PAY.  I also explained that my previous meeting place took away my doctors goal weight of 210.  They said I could not have it so that would mean I would have to weigh 198 for WW goal and I weighed 208 last time I weighed. 

She changed my goal weight back to my doctors weight which was very pleasing to me.  I loved it.  I went to the scale with renewed confidence that I would not have to be a paying member anymore.  I weighed in and had a great talk with my special leader.  It was all so very encouraging.  I told the whole group exactly how I had been eating and how I had been acting.  This too was also freeing.

I WEIGHED IN AT 204.  I LOST 4 LBS.

Taking care of ourselves.

I often wonder why it is so hard for so many of us over-eaters to take care of ourselves.  I find it odd that many times we chose to hurt ourselves rather than build ourselves up with good choices and actions.  We may know what we should do but we still jump right into the false belief that over-eating, weight gaining, emotional eating, will make us feel better, cure our problems for the moment, etc.  Of course I don’t have the answer at all!!  I don’t exactly know why I do this or you do this but I do know that we do do it.  We act contrary to what we really want.  We act contrary to who we really want to be and probably actually are on the inside. 

Filling the gap with food is pretty much a compulsive and addictive behavior.  I am very familiar with behavior like this. HAHAHAHA  How do we stop it?????????????  I guess the only way is to develop good habits AND start a healing process for our inner world.  The inner healing process is of course the trickier part of the journey.  The inner world is what brings us to using food to cope.  Feelings of low self-worth, abandonment, shame, hurt, anger, fear, codependency, hanging everything on how other people feel, caring more about how everyone else feels and stuffing our own feelings.  All this stuff triggers our hopes that food will cure it all.  That food will be there when others aren’t.  That food will not leave us.  That food will not be mad at us.

Starting a couple of weeks ago, I really started on a deeper journey of this inner world.  I find that I so much of the way I feel about myself is based on my perception of how others are feeling either good or bad.  I struggle with all of the above issues and I am taking a stand against this head on.  I want to be healthier now more than ever in both mind and body.  I will begin to take care of myself.

Pretty good yesterday too

34 points.  That’s what I ate yesterday.  That is pretty good for me lately.  Hey, I actually know how many points I ate so that is a MAJOR step in the right direction. I have been eating some pretty good and yummy food too.  I have not been golfing lately either and this has led to way more time to prepare for my eating menu, cook a nice dinner for myself and Audrey, and allow myself plenty of healthy stuff to stay satisfied longer.

I have weight watchers tonight and like Kim said in her comment yesterday, I am scared poopless.  Scared yet relieved that I am going to go get it over with.  Pay my money for the first time since Dec. 2007 and listen to the wise words of my WW leader.  She will be kind and gracious to me I know.  I will not miss this meeting no matter what.  If I miss this meeting it would me that I died on the way there or something.  No way am I going to miss out on this opportunity to do well for myself.  To take care of myself.  I will let you all know how it goes as soon as I know.

Finished off yesterday well. 208 lbs

Yesterday started out well and it also ended well.  I stayed on program just as it is intended.  It felt good.  I feel good.  My confidence has increased a little bit more.  This morning I weighed in at 208.  God dang that made me feel bad.  I wanted to just give up again but that would just be counter-productive.  Giving up would only cause more gain.  So I move on.  I am still 2 lbs under my original doctors goal but I am not at my healthy weight right now.  I need to lose 20 lbs to be in my desirable range and I need to lose 10 lbs to be in my WW lifetime range.  This will be the first time that I have to pay since reaching life time a long time ago. 

I feel ashamed.

I feel embarrased.

I feel very much loss.

I feel defeated.

But I am returning.  When shopping for my food this Sunday, I had a harsh revelation of reality regarding my weight gain.  I realized that the 20-30 lbs that I would love to lose is actually going to take a long time to lose.  It is going to be a journey AGAIN.  Oh what the heck though.  I am human. Even though I have gained, I am still Jason, I am still and ultra-marathoner, I am still a runner, and I am going to make it just fine.  In the big picture of things, it really is no big deal.  This weight that I saw this morning is just feed back regarding my behaviour over the last 6 months.  There is no denying it.  There is no lying to myself about it.  I can’t trick myself into believing that it’s not real.  It is real and I must move on without guilt.  Without shame.  If I am to prove myself victorious once again.

Damn that was hard to put my weight into this post.  Good thing you people are nice. HAHAHA

More on slow marathoners…..

Wow!  I am all worked up over this slow marathoner debate.  I know that this has been a debate for a long time and it is even creeping into the ultra realm as well.  Although in the ultra realm most people are more of a serious soul type inside so it is a little different.  Ultra runners seem not to be desiring so much being a part of running a marathon but taking part in a deeper part of themselves.  Anyway, back to what I came here for.

Did I graduate if it took me one year longer?

Did I get born if I am younger or older than you?

Did I make it to work if I am 5 minutes early even if you were 10 minutes early?

Do I have to be you to be me?

Do you have to be me to be you?

Do I have a successful career if I make less than you?

These are all questions that are based on the same argument that slow runners are not real runners.  It is a matter of definition.  I chose to define running as well, “moving along faster than my normal walk”.  HAHAHAHA  You don’t get to define my experience and I don’t get to define yours. Ringmaster made a point when she talked about  staying to the end of a marathon and watching the last finisher.  Dang that gave me chills.  This is serious business.  The last finisher gets to partake in the equisite joys of accomplishing something they were not exactly sure they could.  They wanted to be able to from the start, but at that final moment they leaped from fear, doubt, and maybe-ness right on into belief, wonder, thankfulness, and reality.  THEY DID IT.

My gosh, I am sure that I have felt like I was better than someone else in many ways, but this argument has really helped me to appreciate each person’s achievement.  It is their achievement, they own it, nobody can take it away.  It is sad that another person would try and take it away with cutting words.  I mean heck, most people never run a marthon and this includes most elite athletes.  Does this mean that they are not runners.  Does this mean that their efforts for betterment are wasteful.  Oh no sir!!!  This means they are running the way they want to run.  The way they need to run.  The way that makes their life better.

Running is an opportunity for someone to make better in life.  To feel better in life.  To enjoy better in life.  Running of course is just one way, but it is a way to improve many areas.  Of course I find Jesus as the main way, but running has helped me tremendously and I have actually had to counter the horrible thoughts that some of these people send my way about running.  People telling me that if you walk during a run i’m are not a runner.  Hey man, you try running for 4 hours by yourself in the rain after your ipod battery dies, walking feels good at that time. It probably added like 5 minutes to the whole experience.  You don’t have to hate running to be a real runner.  You don’t have to put yourself through major pain to be a runner.  All you have to do is partake of its goodness.  That is it.  If you want to be a marathoner, partake of its uniqueness.  You may never want to run one again or you may want to run them all the time. 

It’s up to you.  This is the beauty of running AND marathoning.  It is all up to you.  You can decide when to go, where to go, why to go, and how to go.  You can get a coach, you can read a book, you can run lots or you can run little.  My wife runs about three times a week for three miles each time.  This babe is a runner.  She has been more consistantly then me over our marriage.  She gets out there and that makes her a runner.

What makes a runner a “marathoner”?  All it takes is the partaking of it.  Drinkers drink.  Dopers dope.  Workers work.  Lovers love.  Eaters eat.  Speakers speak.  Marathoners marathon.

To all of you who worry about those purists who say that you aren’t a real runner or a true marathoner, DON”T WORRY.  These people are not the majority.  These people would do this type of cutting in other arenas of life too.  YOU are not their problem, THEY are their problem.  They are chosing to let someone else ruin there little glory.  You don’t have too.  Get on your feet.  Get moving.  Get to the finish line.  There will be someone there happy as hell for you and if there is not, you always have you to be proud of. Keep it up ya’ll.

A tough goal paced 15 miler

Well, it turns out, that after I reviewed my running schedule after yesterday’s run that I was supposed to only do a 10 miler.  Dang.  No wonder it was so hard.  I got out there though and I got a WHOLE LOT OF THINKING DONE.  That is one of the best things about a longer run.  Whatever is longer for you, you just get more time to think things through rationally and creatively.  I had some good revelations during this run and I wrote them down in my new moleskine journal.  I am just writing away in this thing.

So the run started out good and I was running with Audrey.  I love to run with her and try to weekly.  My 8 and 15 mile route is the same out-and-back that I always use for them.  I take a left out of my road, run for 1.5 miles, turn right and run for another 6 where I come back home.  Coming back home is a lot of uphill so that makes it harder for me.  Going to the turn around I am always thinking, “man, I got this.  I feel great.  I can go faster than this.”  Then I turn around and start thinking, “man, can I do this?  Am I going to have to walk up the last part of this 2 mile hill?”  I made it home in one piece though and I was proud of the run.  My mental toughness is not where I would like it to be because I have been under a tremendous amount of mental stress and fatigue now for months.  So any run that I can finish the way I was supposed to finish it always makes me feel great about myself.  I also got a new jacket to run in that does not move around as much because it fits right.  Now I can have my ipod in my pocket and it doesn’t fly around the whole time.

I finished the 15 miles with an average pace of 7:37 per mile.  Even with the hills.  That is pretty good for me.

I am right on with my eating today too.  Just thought I would through that in.  I still have the “at home hours” but I think I will screech through victorious.

All out war!

Drawing another line in the sand with my eating today.  Got my journal in hand, newish enthusiasm, and lots of good healthy food that I stocked up on for the week.  I have gained significant weight since my last weigh-in but I shall go and face the music nonetheless on Wednesday.  One can never try again/start over to many times but one can definately give up to many times.

Are slow running “back of the packers” real marathoners to???????

Here I am somewhere in the middle of running 42.2 miles back in May.  During this race I ran, jogged, walked, hobbled, limped, etc.  I PR’d this race but still finished hours behind the leaders and the “real” competitors.  Did this simple fact nullify my effort???

HELL NO!

Neither does the fact that 1000’s may finish in front of you in a marathon.  A blogger dear to my little old heart recently posted on the topic of being a “plodder” or “back of the pack” runner in a marathon. There is heated debate on this topic because many  ”purists” feel that finishing a marathon beyond 5 hrs is not really running a marathon and some would even say that you are not really finishing a marathon if you finish that slow because you are not giving it your all.  Here is what I have to say on this topic.  I am so glad for ringmasters post because this is a topic that is highly meaningful for most people who aspire to running a marathon.

You see, it is somewhat of a recent trend that non-competitive runners and/or people would even attempt to run 26.2 miles.  Prior to these present times, marathoners were a fringe group of crazy people who were mostly competitive runners that wanted to test their (“their” is the key word here) limits and abilities. Since they were of a competitive nature they were also very interested in how they measured up to other runners partaking in the magical distance.  These people were well versed in shorter distances and wanted to move on to longer ones.  Now, however, people from all walks of life and from a vast array of athletic backgrounds desire to tackle the marathon. WHY?!!!  The reasons are the same!!!  This new group of people want to test their (“their” is the key word here) limits and abilities.  These are people who for whatever reason, had a light bulb experience, that lead them to believe that they too could push themselves beyond their current comfort zones.  They believe that by pushing, even if it is just once, beyond what they think they are capable of, that life will somehow be better.  They will be better.  They will believe in themselves just a little more.  They want to grow just like the “original” fringe group.

Here is my answer to the criticism of the “back of the packers”

• The purist group says that if you don’t run the whole way and suffer, you are not “running” a marathon. To me this is like saying when you take a day off from running you are not really a runner.  If you don’t run at a 6:00 pace you are not a runner.  This is saying that if you don’t run like I do, then your running efforts lack validity. I can promise you one thing, I have finished faster than 1000’s of people in marathons who never walked a step.  I have never run a marathon without walking and this includes my fastest time of 3:33.  I actually had “non-walkers” say they wished they could finish as fast as I did.  Running is personal and you are the captain of your running ship.
• The critics say that slow back of the pack runners are just showing up. Well no duh!!!  And in fact, I find that this is actually the truest of all victories in marathoning.  Reaching the starting line is the biggest victory because just getting there means that you have experienced a transformative process on your body and mind.  That is right!!  You have been through and experienced the same process that the front runners went through to get them to the starting line.  We all walk the line of belief and doubt, time, endurance, work, family, etc. to get to the start.
• The critics say that 5+ hrs is not the “best that you can do”. My first marathon was 5:45 I think.  Was I lazy?  Was I “just showing up”?  No!  I truly did what I could do with what I had in my little box of running experience.  I could not have done better on that day and at that time.  Of course, once it is over, it is easy to say “what if…..only if…..” but you can’t change WHAT IT IS.  This is an area of big concern to me because it is SO CLOSED MINDED.  Everyone has different natural abilities.  One person said that if you are under 50 and give it your all you should finish below 5 hrs.  BWAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA!  This must be coming from someone who has forgotten or with more natural ability then they think they have. Finishing 26 miles, especially in under 5 hrs, WILL TAKE TRAINING.  You don’t just go out and do the best you can do when trying to tackle a new and longer distance especially if the gap is from 0 to 26.  Most people who are in good shape would just totally bonk out and fail if they just did they best they could do without consideration of training.  And one more thing, pushing HARD WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PUSH HARD COULD BRING ON INJURY.
• The critics say that 5+ hour people ruin the magic. I am sorry but everyone is responsible for taking and holding on to their own magic.  Not a single person nor anything in life can take the magic away from your marathon finishing time except you.  If you run marathons simply for other peoples recognition of the magic, then this is not healthy either.  If a 3 hr person is standing next to a 6 hr person and they are both talking about their experience to a non-runner, there should be no reason that 3 hr person should feel cut-down.  Sure, the non-runner may think that it is not that hard when looking at the slower person but who cares what they think.  You know what it took to get you to your time.  Non-runners didn’t do it for you.  Slower or faster runners didn’t do it for  you.  Others perception of marathoners didn’t do it for you.  You did your marathon in your time because you wanted to do it and you did it the best way you knew how.
• The critics say that 5+ people should not get a reward for their “easy” effort. This just cracks me up.  Do you know how many marathons I have done and didn’t even pick up my shirt or medal.  These are nice keepsakes but the best keepsake of all is the little increase in the “I believe I am capable to…..”  meter.  To say a slower runner should not get rewarded just says to me that the critics are mad that their “fringe” group is just not so “fringe” anymore.
• It’s all by degree……….. What if a nice person were standing there listening to a critic (I have observed this in real life).  The critic talks about each of these points of why a slow runners are not real marathoners.  Then, the listener sarcastically says, “well, I just finished my first 100 miler last month.  I don’t think any type of marathoner is a real runner. HAHAHAHA”  What about this???  This person was joking in order to make the point that running is running and running is done by degree.  What one person thinks is lazy and easy, another person thinks is out of this world difficult or impossible.  In fact, the honest truth is, that most all fast marathoners would never even dream of running beyond 26.2 miles.  Does that make them less of a runner.  Does it take away from them or add to the ultra-runner.  NO.  We are the captain of our own running ships.

My story and progression.

Since I started running, I have been in all kinds of “fringe” groups.  I have done many marathons in 5+ hours.  I have done many below 5 hrs and on down in the the 3 hr range.  I have moved on into the “fringes” of the distance running world by running ultra-marathons.  One thing I have learned along the way that is essential is that one person’s journey cannot take away from another’s.  I have had people tell me that “back of the packers” ruin the marathon only because they don’t think I am or have been one.  I have bragged about my 50 mile runs only to have a very nice and humble “old timer ultra-runner” chuckle and then tell me about there 2nd place finish at the Badwater 135 mile run in death valley.  Did this guy mock me and tell me that I was nothing.  Heck no.  YOu know what he did, he sent me a personal email telling me it was an honor to share the road with someone who had had the drive lose weight and get healthy the way I did. Now this is the right way for the fast and slow runners to react.  Running is special and running is a privilege.  Some people don’t get the opportunity to run marathons even if they wanted to.

Like I said before, I have run marathons from 5:45 through 3:33.  I started somewhere.  I started with my first one.  I did the best that I could do with the knowledge and body that I had at that time.  What was the difference between 5:45 and 3:33.  Strategy, training, and physiology.  My strategy was different.  My training was different.  My body was different.  Did my 5+ hurt less, no not really.  Did my 3 hr make me happier, no not really.  Did my fast one make me discount the slower ones that I had run or the slower ones that people ran that day.  No, in fact, I sat and watched the slower runners come in with much emotion as they toiled within themselves to finish the last miles.  They looked just like me.  They suffered, they triumphed, the endured, they persisted, they finished.  I started out with a 2 mile run one day and ended up finishing a marathon 7 months later.  It was a life victory and nobody can ever take away from it or add to it.

ON THE FIRST WEEK OF OCTOBER 2007, I BECAME A MARATHONER IN 5 HRS AND 45 MINUTES.

Pepperoni, running, and rain

Oh yes, th cocktail pep.  This is my favorite type of pepperoni.  I don’t buy it in the bag but rather from the little box at the gas station where the pieces are much much bigger.  I just wanted to show you guys one of my main weeknesses of late.

Yesterday was a good day overall.  I had an “easy” 6 miles scheduled which really wasn’t so easy at all really.  In fact, it was pretty challenging but I walked every 4 minutes for one minute which gave me a lot of breaks.  I will be doing all my easy and long runs with this strategy as it is the one I will use for the 100 miler.  There were a lot of hills on the course I did also.

Another funny little fact is that my ribs are sore as heck from my one mile time trial.  This must be from the magnitude of hardcore heavy breathing I was doing on the last two laps of the mile.  I am still sore two days later.  I finished up my run just outside of my driveway and walked in.  It was refreshing to my mind most of all. 

The weather is turning bad now where I live.  The rain is coming to stay for at least until around May or June.  I will be doing most of my runs in pouring down cold rain from hear on out until my 100 miler.

I also did good with my eating yesterday.  No pepperoni.  No candy.  Just good healthy food and I am feeling good about that.  I did eat a little bit of the secretary’s chicken strip today but only a tiny bit.  Boy was it tasty though.

More record setting: Running and eating

World Record holder for the mile: 3:43.13

To the left is the current world record holder for the one mile distance.  Pretty amazing to go a mile in 3:43.  That is running about 16 miles per hour.  That is very fast. (This link will show you the progression of men’s and woman’s mile world records.)

Today I set my own record for the mile.  I ran a mile in 5:36.83 besting my previous record of 5:41 from only months ago.  Prior to that my PR was 6 something.  My legs turned to rubber after I finished and I still had the rest of my workout to do.  I ran 1.25 miles to the track, did my mile time trial, and then finished it off with 8X400 meters at my 5K pace (6:08).  It was a hard workout and my mental toughness was not where it normally is.  I really had to fight to keep on keeping today.  I have been going through a lot lately so mentally I am pretty damn tired.  I still did it though and I am proud of not giving up even when my lungs felt like they were on fire.  HAHAHAHAHA

Unfortunately, I had three pepperoni’s afterward.  I have been having the worst of times with my eating.  I want to do good so bad but I keep on eating junk.  I tried to draw a line in the sand like Steve said but I just haven’t been able to stay on the right side of the line.  Life is not over, the journey isn’t ending, but I have a lot of guilt and negative feelings about how I have been eating the the weight that I have gained.  I don’t like this as it is exactly the stinking thinking that I don’t want to be doing.  I don’t like.

On another note, I have been going through an intensive audit for three weeks now.  This audit is the intense scrutiny of every tiny little aspect of my job and my responsibilities there.  For 8 hours a day I am questioned, I am quizzed, I am doubted.  During the audit, I must provide scientific justification for every decision I make regarding my job.  My job is important, my job is essential, but so much of what these audit put you through is based on everything except common sense.  It is all based on the auditor covering their ass and I am trying to do the same thing while they audit me.  I argue with the auditor regarding my decisions.  Anyway, no matter what those suckers throw at me, I have the answer for them.  I have what they want.  In fact, even though the stress level is high, I am conquering.  I think today was the last day and I came out on top.  I won the battle.  Luckily, I had a nice auditor.  :)

It is time to go to bed.  I get depressed if I don’t get at least 6 hours of sleep.  So thanks for listening.  Thanks for commenting.  Thanks for caring.  You guys are great.  Each comment I read is an uplifting event that helps me maintain.

Never would have dreamed………….

I never would have dreamed that it would be this hard.  I had such a streak, such a long time that things were so easy but now it seems that all of that is gone.  It appears that not even one thing about doing WW or this healthy eating journey is coming easy anymore.  I can’t seem to get off my butt and do some real good grocery shopping.  I can’t seem to re-do some bad habits.  I can’t seem to get any enjoyment out of eating healthy food.  I can’t seem to kick the desire for junk food.  The only thing that I have managed to stay really faithful and good at is my running.

Once again I am going to start over today.  Hoping for the best I forge ahead realizing that “IT IS WHAT IT IS” right now.  I can’t change anything that has already happened and I can’t change everything all at once and be exactly where I want to be.  It will take time, it will take work, it will take many days where victories must out number the defeats.

I don’t feel much capable of encouraging others on their health journey.  I am barely hanging on to my own journey right now.  It is nice to know though that I am on this road with so many others. Gotta go to work now.  See ya later.

Standing up…………. Pretty much off topic but important to me

I am working on something in my life that is really big for me.  I am trying my best to learn how to speak up and stand up for myself.  Traditionally, I tend to keep quite and listen to what people are saying while never really expressing what I think of the issue, problem, etc.  I am working hard at this.  Sometimes, I basically get really pissed off because I feel like I am not standing up for myself.  But I have found that it is not just standing up for myself that pisses me off.  It is my sense of responsibility for how other people feel.  I emphasize how others feel and tend not to care how I feel so I go off feeling bad  or on egg shells about how I can or can’t make someone feel good.  I give in during many situations trying to keep peace between me and another person but don’t even try to have harmony with myself.  This leaves me feeling empty, resentful, and mad. 

So lately, I am trying to endure the “friction” that occurs when I don’t agree with another in order to also reduce the “friction” within myself so that I can be happier about what I am doing.  This friction within is a major cause of eating bad, giving up on trying to do WW, etc. It is an ongoing thing and it is time to work on it.  It is not easy to work on it but I want to.  I want to be happier about the way I am living and not worry so much about how others are living.  I want to not care so much about possibly making others mad and start caring more about living with integrity and harmony with myself.  This does not mean I want to piss everyone off and totally disregard others feelings, it is more of a shift of releasing the feeling of being responsible for how others feel and start being more responsable about how I feel.  This is not easy for me at all.

 I hope that this will help me live happier and healthier but there is another thing lurking behind this issue that I constantly think about.  There is a person in my life who wants to be free.  Wants to do what they want to do.  Live the “I’m ok, You’re ok” life”.  In a way, this person is trying to do what I also am trying to do but there is something that seems a little bit wrong about all of this.  I mean, what happens when you start down this “road to self-awareness” where you start taking care of yourself.  Where does the compromise start in a relationship.  Should this person always just go their way.  Is it wrong to consider how a decision will impact the other person in a relationship.  Is it good to be soooo separate from another.  How do you maintain healthy attachment and care when a persons whole goal is separateness and personal growth.  How can two people grow in a relationship “together” when each is trying to become so self-sufficient.  What is so God Dang wrong about relying on another, compromising what you want for the happiness of another,  and self-sacrifice. 

Although I want to stand up for myself, in a way it feels at times like a self-centered life of hedonism.  If feels like it is wrong to think that making yourself happy is number one in life.  What the hell.  What if Jesus took that kind of stance on life.  What if everyone just wanted to make themselves happy and not really be concerned about what others think.  Shoot, half the time I think that this is the root cause to so many problems in this world already.  Everyone has a selfish motive behind everything they do.  If people put others first maybe thing would be a whole lot better.  Maybe if people forgot about “loving there neighbor as there self” and actually remember the they are supposed to “love their neighbor as Jesus loved them”.  That is the new way He set forth.  That is drastically different for loving others the way you love yourself.

Ok, I think I am skipping around a lot.  Just writing down thoughts as they come up.  I might make sense or it might not. HAHAHAHAHA  I guess the point is, I want to learn how to stand up for myself more but at the same time I have these doubts as to whether it is the best thing or best way to improve relationships.  Sure if “might” be a good way to improve myself but will it improve relationships with others.

New day

Today is a new day for me.  I feel like I am starting over for some reason.  It is a good thing I suppose and I am hoping it will propel me to better health.  I always get a bit depressed when I have a whole week off from exercise and running.  Not really bad but a little.  Exercise is a big factor for me feeling good in an emotional way.  It makes me feel physically good, it makes me feel proud, it makes me feel a bit euphoric at times, and it gives me time to be alone and think.  Last week was a total recovery week from the marathon so I did not get to experience any of these benifits.

So this is why I feel like I am starting over “AGAIN”.  My eating was not good for the week as I had a giant rationalization for eating bad (not necessarily a good one).  This was the rationalization that I need to eat alot to repair my aching muscles.  This is obviously not true but I believed it for 7 days wholeheartedly.  So I am starting over today………….

Marathon #20. Portland Marathon

Well, well, well……….  This marathon was a totally different experience.  It was not even slightly the same as other marathons that I have run, even other Portland Marathons.

It was a mighty good challenge to say the least and I am very happy to say that I got a new PR and actually finished in like the top 10% of all runners.  That was something very pleasing and new to me.  I ended up with a time of 3:33 for the marathon.  This is an improvement of 25 minutes compared to my former personal record marathon time.  For that day, on that course, using the strategy I used; I COULD NOT HAVE GONE FASTER.  That was it.  I gave it my all.  I have had to fight off the disappointment of not finishing the marathon with my goal pace range of 7:30-7:50 miles but I am trying to focus on the positive.  In the last 10 months I have went from a 4:14 (9:41 miles) to a 3:33 (8:06 miles).  This is a vast improvement and my hard work paid off very well.

One mistake that I made was to try and do the marathon using the strategy of the Pace Groups.  They use an effort based model where each mile is run in a different time in order to create the same “feeling” or “effort”.  This is not how I have practiced.  I always run mile goal paced miles strictly within my 7:30-7:50 range.  Using the pace group strategy I was doing some miles in the 6’s and that just was to fast for me even if it was only for one mile at a time.  I normally stick to my plan, go slower on the uphill and make up for it going down the hill.  This has always worked out well.  I should have been more confident in my own plan.  I may not have finished with a 3:20 (the pace group I ran with) but I would have probably finished better than I did.  But like I said, I did the best I could with how things were in reality and I exploded my previous PR.

Running a marathon faster like this is totally different than what I am used to.  It is not as enjoyable to run like this but it has it’s own special appeal and allure.   It is very satisfying in it own way.  For one, you run along side some very focused people and you are just going, going, going, very focused like.  There are also WAY MORE SPECTATORS.  This was shocking to me.  Usually by the time I go by most of the spectators are gone because there person has already passed through.  Being in the top 10% made it that 90% of the people had not yet passed through so 90% of the spectators were still waiting.  And that was a lot of family and friends.  It is fun though, they call out your name (it is on the bib) and it is motivating.

Overall I am pleased with how things went.  I am also sore as hell today.  Much more than normal. 

Here I am waiting for race walker champion Tammi. Fellow blogger who won the race walk division. I am also getting teared up by watching everyone push through and finisher their own marathon

Progress in running and marathon #20

I have been waiting for this moment now for a long time To be exact, I have been waiting and running now for 2 years and 7 months.  For some reason 20 marathons is a major milestone in my head.  It is a big deal to me.  Not only is it a big deal to have 20 marathons under my belt, but this will be the first marathon that I really go for it.  It is also neat that for my first goal paced marathon and for my 20th marathon, I will be doing my 3rd Portland Marathon.  It is kind of an anniversary marathon I guess since it was my first marathon ever back in October 2007.  My time in that first marathon was 5:45 or so.  I can’t exactly remember now but I am pretty sure it was in the 5:40’s.

There are many areas of running that a person can see improvement and I am going to share some of the growth in running that I have experience.  My goal is to inspire hope that sooooo much more is possible for us than we think when we are first starting out.  I remember that when I first started out with a long run of two miles that I wanted so bad to someday be able to run a mile in the 7 minute range.  Now I will be trying to run a marathon with 26 consecutive miles in that range.  I hoped to be able to run a marathon in about 6 hours, now I will be running one in hopefully half that time.

My goal was to run injury free and still love running after a long time.  I have done this.  I have not sustained an injury nor have I given up the most basic of exercises.  Despite my general sense of low self-esteem, I have been proud of what I have accomplished with running and weight loss.   This is possible you guys.  It is possible to be transformed from an overweight person who hates exercise to an athlete with many accomplishments.  Here is a little bullet list of what is possible.  At least this is how it worked for me.

• All out mile: 9+ min., 7:52, 7:07, 6:56, 6:41, 613, 5:41 is now my new PR.
• Half-marathon: 2 hrs, 56 min, now it is 1:32 (7:02 pace)
• Marathon: 5:45, and my new PR is 3:58.
• 50K:  5:35 to a new sub 5hr
• 41.2 miles: 7:51 to a new 6:56
• I breathe about as hard running 8:30 minute miles as I did running 13:45 minute miles in 2007.
• My legs heal faster and my soreness is gone on the third day compared to being sore for almost 6 days after my first marathon.
• I increased my long run from 2 miles to 50 miles.  That two miles seemed just about as hard as 50 at the time, at least mentally.

I am a new man.  I hope that this little changes that I have made can inspire you to believe that you can make sure strides yourself.  Thanks for listening.

I got a hole-in-one yesterday

The odds for making a hole-in-one can be found here: http://golf.about.com/od/faqs/f/holeinoneodds.htm

It was a fun and amazing experience to have. You always want to hit it close to the pin but you never EVER think it is going to actually go in. From 113 yards out at the tee box of hole #14, I hit the ball into the hole with one shot. It was unbelievable. Wish I had a video of it because it literally is unbelievable and most people will never believe me.