I know what to do but…….. Rebelling against health


Last week I had a full blown rebellion going on behind the scenes.  I pulled through with the help of a friend, but it was a close one.  I thought I would post the email I sent my friend so that you could experience my rebellion against health and weight watchers.  So here is the email.

Here I sit.  To everyone around me I appear to be doing great.  I appear to be “strong and healthy” as the WW leaders say.  I am strong and healthy but what the hell is going on inside my head.  Here I am sitting down getting all upset because I can’t/shouldn’t go and eat as many donuts as I possible can.  I want to drive off, enter into the dark portals of donutville and junk food heaven.  Can’t seem to kick the thought out of my dang head.  It makes me mad that I don’t go out and do it actually.  I keep telling myself that I work hard and that what the heck.  I deserve it.  The only thing really keeping me back is that since I am probably going skiing tomorrow, I need to run tonight.  And running on a stomach full of donuts sucks.

I am totally having a pity party over here.  I want my freakin donuts.  I know that many of you might tell me to go and have one.  Splurge on the one donut and move on, but I don’t have any type of yearning for “one” donut.  I want to eat them until I am full.  It is sick I know.  It will make me feel like crap mentally and physically I know.  It will make me want to hide myself away and not tell anyone I know.  I freakin know what to do but I don’t want to do it.  From the last thread of strength in my body I do not want to do what is right.  I want what is not the best path. 

Ok, I think I am done rambling on about the damn donuts.  Now I want to start about the pizza.  Well, never mind.  Don’t want anymore restriction.  Want to let loose.  Want to go hog wild on the junk and then lay on my side barely breathing.  I want ten pieces of pizza then some ice cream.  I don’t want the gosh dang Papa Murphy’s delite.  I want peperroni, mushroom, and olive pizza.  I can feel it rising up like a lion’s roar.  I am holding it back with what I have but I don’t have that much right now.  Will I make it.  Will i just go running and not eat like a mad man. 

I know why.  I didn’t bring hardly any food to work because I was lately and the one manager I have was on vacation so I just rushed out the door with a little food.  Help.

Sorry to bother you.  I made a post about this but I decided to make it an email because I am starting to feel really bad that I do to many  posts and the readers aren’t liking it anymore.  HAHAHA. Dang, I guess I am in a serious funk.  Three hours ago I was on top of the world putting up my moms pic post.

Do you guys ever just want to rebel against the healthy way of life?

28 Responses to “I know what to do but…….. Rebelling against health”

  1. 1 Angela
    February 21, 2009 at 5:35 am

    Bahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!! I LOVE that you chose Marley for this!

  2. 3 RobFitness
    February 21, 2009 at 5:39 am

    Lately it’s not as bad as it use to be. I think it’s the blogging and knowing and connecting with people, like yourself, that really prevents me from going to the “darker side”. It’s all you guys and gals support that really pushes me to make the right choices. It’s not always easy, but having this community of support makes the chances better that I’ll make the healthier choice. If I wasn’t blogging I know for sure I would have probably relapsed and continue to have spiraled down hill if no hope of returning to achieve what I have achieved. Hope that all made sense. Way to Go?? So proud of your accomplishments and your desire to help others on this journey. By the way Congrats on being “Top Health Blogger”. You deserve it man!

  3. February 21, 2009 at 7:09 am

    YES that happens to me every now and then. In fact, I had about 6 months of rebellion after I hit lifetime with WW. I would do good for the week before I needed to weigh in, and then just do what I wanted the rest of the month. Of course it caught up to me, but it was like I just thought I was missing out and needed to eat everything I could – like it wouldn’t be there the next week 🙂

  4. 7 Kim
    February 21, 2009 at 8:54 am


    THis reminds me of Paul when he talks about knowing what he needs to do yet not wanting to and doing the things he knows he shouldn’t. It is truly a battle. I get that. THis week has been rough, with littl e motivation to fight the fight against the feelings and longings for what I know to be good and right. It is good that you emailed a friend for support. Unfortunatley, I don’t think we fatties and former fatties will ever be able to do that very thing of eating exactly what we want, when we want it, like some of those naturally Twiggy people can.

    Keep up the fight! You are winning!

  5. 9 charleshbaker
    February 21, 2009 at 9:27 am

    Jason, do you have one day or even just one meal where you eat whatever you want? Most of the work by nutritionists I’ve read lately indicates that if you eat right ninety percent of the time you will achieve your goal. Obsessing to eat right one hundred percent of the time can be counter productive in many ways. I’m glad you resisted an all out binge but if you don’t do so already you might consider instituting a reward meal or day. The meal is probably the safer route rather than eating anything and everything for a whole day.

    • 10 run4change
      February 21, 2009 at 9:34 am

      I am 100% positive that I get in my “cheats” as I call them. Last night was a special dinner out with my dad and I ate wisely but definitey splurged and I did not count the WW points for the meal really. But that email was about an all out evil unhealthy binge. I agree with you, we cannot force ourselves to not eat foods we love. Moderations seems to be the key. I can eat whatever I want, but I don’t think I should eat as “much” as I want. Does that make sense. Eatting some junk and so-called bad foods is fine but eating them for 30 minutes straight without rest, HAHAHAHA now that is different. 🙂

  6. February 21, 2009 at 9:44 am

    It happens to us all. For me it is Blue Corn chips. I cannot have the stupid things in the house. I went through a bag of them after the marathon. I justified it due to earning 32 AP’s. 🙂

    Unfortunately, it just made me want MORE! So, I am back on the WW wagon again.

    Oh, please keep posting about your struggles. It helps to know that others have them too.

    • 12 run4change
      February 21, 2009 at 9:46 am

      No problem. I will have many to come I am sure and I will post them all. Come back today because I have a post of another struggle I had yesterday over some lunchroom cookies. It is a pitctorial post. I just found my wifes stash of blue corn chips yesterday too. They weren’t opened yet so I could sneak. HAHAHAHA I asked her to move them to a new location.

  7. 13 athleticme
    February 21, 2009 at 10:38 am

    As much as I hate that anyone has to go through times like the one you described, it brings me great comfort to know that I am not alone. Your posts are great and I look forward to reading every one of them.

    • 14 run4change
      February 21, 2009 at 10:40 am

      Oh thank you so so much. That is so nice of you and I am comforted byt the comment on these posts as well. It helps me to know that I am not a lone too.

  8. February 21, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Yeah…I feel ya. I have to exercise heaps as there is no way I can always eat clean.

  9. 17 AmyJoGo
    February 22, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    I did this last weekend. I didn’t journal what I ate and it all showed up as a 3lb gain at WI Thursday. I ate: Pizza Friday night. Pizza for breakfast Saturday morning. Girl Scout cookies. Taco Bell Saturday night. 5 strips of bacon for breakfast Sunday morning. Pot roast with mashed potatoes and gravy.

    It inhales profusely, but it’s a fact of my life that I will always have to monitor what I eat.

    And can I just vent for one brief second? In times when I’m craving…seriously craving pizza…I don’t want one of those imitation flatout pizzas! I want ooey gooey full fat pizza. At least until that night when the heartburn kicks in. 😉

  10. February 23, 2009 at 6:30 am

    I go through this same struggle a lot. I hate it when my inner two-year-old starts screaming for chocolate cake. 😦 In fact, I have a mention of this struggle on my website and what shocked me out of that inner-two-year-old-temper-tantrum mode: Realizing I actually physically fit into the booth at Waffle House. I cried. Yes, I actually sat there in the Waffle House and cried. I cried for the fat, hurting person I used to be; I cried because I’d lost sight of the thinner, healthy person I was becoming; I cried because I had lost my attitude of gratitude for my blessings along the way.

    And somehow, at that point, I no longer wanted to faceplant into a chocolate sheet cake with chocolate fudge frosting.

    • 20 run4change
      February 23, 2009 at 6:32 am

      I so know what you mean. Thanks for your contribution. It comforted me a lot this morning as I had not a very good food weekend. The post will be up soon

  11. 21 lissa10279
    February 24, 2009 at 7:45 am

    Jason, you’re so not alone. I never was a big junk food addict, but I do find myself in love with chocolate, preferably dark. And PB. I struggle with healthfully keeping these in my diet (so I don’t restrict and then binge).

    I don’t mind making Thomas Light e.m. pizzas, but if I’m in NY, dammit, I’m having a slice of real pizza. Sometimes it’s better to just sate the craving … I don’t care what some people say, that eventually you won’t crave sugar or fat or whatnot … that’s BS. But it’s how we moderate the cravings that counts.

    You can do it.

    • 22 run4change
      February 24, 2009 at 7:48 am

      HAHAHA, so true. The “real” thing is the only thing that will suffice and actually take the craving away for the “real” thing. I love PB to. It is the one item that my wife has hidden so well that I cannot find it no matter how hard I try. It has now become a joke with us that I can’t find it. 🙂

  12. 23 lissa10279
    February 24, 2009 at 7:47 am

    (And by moderate, I don’t mean “don’t eat” but rather pick and choose how/when we have them). Life would be boring without fun food. But in a small normal serving of a slice, pizza is nothing more than bread, cheese, tomatoes, oil. Not inherently unhealthy. In that documentary THIN the nutritionist tries to tell Polly to see pizza as the components versus the whole picture. She can’t (she’s dead now) … but we can.

    • 24 run4change
      February 24, 2009 at 7:50 am

      Hmmm. Very sad. Yes we can. Moderation is possible when I choose it. I choose it healthfully often actually, just sometimes I want to GO FOR IT. 🙂

  13. 25 Jen
    February 25, 2009 at 6:35 am

    Jason, I went through this exact same thing Monday morning. And I know what you mean about not craving just one donut, but enough to make yourself sick. I gave in though. I thought about calling someone because I didn’t want to give in, but I felt so ashamed of myself. I’m working on forgiving myself and trying to move forward, but I feel very powerless when it comes to certain foods. Anyway, I just want to thank you for posting this. It makes me feel less ashamed and less alone.

    • 26 run4change
      February 25, 2009 at 6:40 am

      Jen, you are definitely not alone. And you never have to feel ashamed for what you old way of life is calling you to do. it is normal that the old way wants to take over. I am glad that you are moving on. It is not easy but it is essential to move on as quickly as you can. One mess up, even if it lasts a while, will not ruin your journey. The only thing that will ruin it is if you give up. I know you will do fine. thanks for commenting with such honesty

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