Not secret, not hidden, not fun!!!!!!!!!!


I experienced weight loss, health, weight maintenance insanity last night.  What I experienced really put the “fat mind” right into the spot light.  The thinking pattern was totally exposed and it was the pattern of an addict’s thinking.  It truly was sick I think.  I felt ashamed, amused, and freaked out all at the same time.  Not only did this happen, but it happen WITH someone else.  That is where it all started……….So last night I had dinner at Panda Express which is pretty WW friendly if you ask me.  Things went ok there and I had some freedom to eat due to the run I had just finished.  I went to Panda with my wife.  Only the way home I was thinking inside my mind that I wanted to eat some/a bunch of donuts.  I wanted to medicate the blah feeling that I was experiencing inside.  Can’t really put my finger on it or label the feeling, but I was thinking that eating donuts would help it (yeah right).  Anyway, I tell my wife in the car on the way home that when we get home I am going to go to Krispy Kreme to get “A” donut.  She responded with delight and turned the car around and suggested that she take me right then so that she could get one too…..

INSTANTLY I did not want the donuts anymore.  Holy crap…. What and the heck just happened…. The “fat mind” had taken over and it was now exposed by my wonderful wife.  I thought to myself, “What!!!  If you go that will take all the fun out of it.  I will have to have just one. I will have be with someone and I won’t be hiding.  I can’t enjoy my donuts like that.  What the heck are you talking about “going with me”.”

If my donut eating was not in secret and I was not hiding, all the appeal went away.  Now that is “fat mind” city for you right there.  Read it and understand it.  That is a beautiful image of the fat mind.  I seriously did not want the donut, I wanted the whole episode of secret eating.  I wanted to not count my points on it.  I wanted to eat to my little hearts content and that would have been embarrassing even with my understanding wife around.  I don’t do that with  people around.  I do that in secret.  In my car on the way home.  In my car.  In my car.  Secret eating heaven.  Just even as I write this I realize that mostly when I eat junk food I am in my car alone.  HA!!  That is one thing I can work on.  Maybe water or fruit in the car could help.  

What does the “fat mind” say:  “Eating in secret all by yourself is the most gratifying way”.  

I say that that is hog fooyee.  Donkey dung.  Cow poopoo.  Secret eating is from the old me not the new.  I ended up not going because if I couldn’t binge out on donuts alone I just didn’t want to do it.

Weird huh???

32 Responses to “Not secret, not hidden, not fun!!!!!!!!!!”

  1. 1 maggieapril
    April 10, 2009 at 2:37 am

    Oh I totally get this. I have always been a “closet eater”. That’s because I want to eat huge quantities of junk food and of course, I don’t want anyone to witness that! Then they would know why I am (was) fat. Denial is a beautiful thing – or so I thought.

  2. April 10, 2009 at 3:43 am

    What an aha moment for you! I have come to the same conclusion. I’m struggling with it because I know that I’m doing it and I do it anyway. I’m not ready to give up the food yet. It’s still my security blanket. But I recognize it at least.

  3. April 10, 2009 at 4:00 am

    Not weird at all…in fact I was talking to my boss yesterday about this very thing. Eating in secret is a huge problem of mine. When I’m not alone, eating doesn’t hold it’s full appeal for me. Go figure. Thanks for your post…because it really was appropos for me!

    • 6 run4change
      April 10, 2009 at 4:16 am

      That is great MaryFran. It was just a crazy moment and you say it very well when you say, “When I’m not alone, eating doesn’t hold it’s full appeal for me.”

  4. April 10, 2009 at 5:30 am

    LOL I had to laugh when you kept saying “In my car. In my car.” I am so a car eater!!! I cleaned my car out night before last (had a lunch date yesterday and of course I had to clear out ALL the evidence so he wouldn’t see!) and was amazed at the trash I’d hidden throughout the car. Granted, they were WW snacks trash but still…a WW snack eater cheater in a car is still a car eater. (btw…the store bought WW snacks truly are a waste of money for me…such tiny servings and zero satisfaction).

    Do naturally thin people have this same dilema? Do they ever have a car binge??

    I am so with you on this one. And this is another spin to add to my dilema: smoking. I used to smoke while driving and that helped so much with the car eating. So it’s like I’ve traded one bad habit for another. So frustrating!

    • 8 run4change
      April 10, 2009 at 5:36 am

      AMy- I think naturally thin people eat in the car too but it has a different meaning to them. I don’t think that the car is a hideout for secret eating but rather a place to conviniently eat if that makes sense. I have the same issue with chew in the car like you are talking about smoking.

  5. 9 darrellnurse
    April 10, 2009 at 5:48 am

    How much fat & calories in that bad boy?

  6. April 10, 2009 at 6:37 am

    I soo understand this. It has been a long time since I have had such a hard week controlling my eating and emotions and fighting hard to not numb out. Yesterday fro the first time in about 4-5 months I actually went driving for food. Heading to get a movie to match my alrady dark mood and ever gas station/food establishment was calling my name. It was all I could do to keep teh car straight. In the end I ended up with one MC’Donalds Ice Cream cone. ALthough I wanted a whole meal or 2 with pies and ice cream. As I was walking intot he video store ice cream cone in hand…THAT is when my friend finally responded to my SOS text….”keep your vision in front of you, Kim” I did not enjoy that ice cream after that…i was no longer alone eating it…even if my friend was only present by text!

    • 12 run4change
      April 10, 2009 at 6:42 am

      Wow Kim.. You get movies to match your down mood too!!! I do it with music too. Thanks for sharing. Your comment really helped me out.

  7. April 10, 2009 at 6:49 am

    THis is the first time I got a movie to match my mood. And I only managed that because I have a friend who knows every film ever made (it is his job to know) and he knows all the obscure ones. If you ever want one to match the feelings of paranoia, fear and guilt….get “The COnversation” It is a bit slow…but very intriguing!

  8. April 10, 2009 at 7:23 am

    Not weird–pretty profound. I’m very much the same way. And speaking of donuts, my grandmother used to make very yummy spudnuts (donuts made with a potato dough). My cousin has arranged for us to all go learn how to make spudnuts a week from Saturday. I am going to want to eat a lot of them! Lucky for me, with all those cousins around, I’ll be able to be satisfied with one. The trick will be in not taking any left overs home. Because–as you well know—once I am alone with them in my car, anything could happen.

  9. 17 afatgirl
    April 10, 2009 at 10:45 am

    I’m a car eater as well. (Or lately, in my case it’s been an inside the truck stop eater; since my husband is constantly in my “car”!) I always thought living with my husband, in a truck, 24/7 I could get over my food obsession since I eat alone and alone only. But nope. It actually has made it more like a game. A game called “See how I can sneak some food today!” and it has been VERY unhealthy for me.

    • 18 run4change
      April 10, 2009 at 11:19 am

      I have to admit afatgirl, that your situation would be very difficult. But I am sure that you will conquer and overcome. I know you can.

  10. 19 somedayistoday
    April 10, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Great insight! True for me as well….

  11. 21 lissa10279
    April 10, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Good for you not going to town and eating a ton of donuts that would have probably made you sick, when really, something else was triggering you … That said, I COMPLETELY know what you mean about binging or even just indulging in private – I still do it. Somehow it’s alluring, enticing, exciting. And it feels so “bad” ya know? That’s part of the problem — we view it as “good” or “bad.” You saved yourself countless calories this time, maybe next time work up the strength to go with your wife and see what it’s like to enjoy a single donut together? Have a happy, healthy weekend, Jason!

    • 22 run4change
      April 10, 2009 at 11:22 am

      Thank you so much lissa. I appreciat your insights. I think I will try to eat just one next time….Maybe 🙂

  12. 23 Chris
    April 10, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    Holy cow…this is very true. This has happened to me so many times. Your insight really has put it into perspective. I would be quite embarrassed to have a “binge” in front of my girlfriend and it would ruin the “fun”. Of course I’m always slightly depressed after. However, I think that it is great that you recognize this and want to find ways to fix it…having other stuff in your car. As always, great topic!

  13. 25 donna
    April 10, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    I too am a car binge eater,there that felt sooooooooooo good to say that outloud.I understand completely jason.I practically live in my car and am on the road all the time you know,so it has really become a challenge for me to stay focused on my ww.So far so good my friend.Thanks for your usual insight on real life.

  14. 27 Amy
    April 11, 2009 at 11:40 am

    I have also discovered that it isn’t “what” I am eating as much as how. When I eat with fervor, like I can’t shove it down quickly enough, standing up, alone, etc. it feels addictive…even if it’s a salad. I try to get in touch with why I am so afraid to feel hungry; or what exactly am I trying to shove down… Did you tell your wife what you recongized? Congrats on owning this! I think it is so much easier to prevent that first addictive bite than to stop the momentum of a binge. It’s not always what I choose, but it’s these little moments that add up.

    • 28 run4change
      April 12, 2009 at 4:57 am

      YEs I did tell my wife. HAHAH It was a bit uncomfortable but all is good with her. I lover her and she loves me 🙂

  15. 29 Sheila
    April 11, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Oh boy! This one’s a keeper! I sooo get it. My friend’s two boys used to go places with me pre-WW and they loved to ride in my car because “it always smells like McDonald’s” OY!

  16. April 11, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Very familiar to me. Love the concept of the “fat mind.” Yup.

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