Will I ever be “normal”? Maybe not with food!

I guess in some ways I am normal but not in the area of food.  I just have not been doing good on WW lately.  I have been maintaining (SO FAR) but I have not been eating good foods at night really.  I have seemed to lose my routine a little bit.  I ate horribly yesterday and I ate things that I have not eaten for years.  I don’t know why I did it.  I know I don’t want to eat like that but at the same time I do.  Here is what I ate yesterday after work and I am scared to admit it even but I am going to do it anyway.  Maybe it will help someone out there and at the least maybe it will help me.

What I ate

  • 3 sticks of pepperoni
  • 1 Grab bag of Doritos
  • 1 King Size Reeses Fast Break Candy Bar (Have not had a candy bar for years)
  • 1 Small bag of chocolate covered almonds
  • 1 Kashi Granola bar
  • 1 Fatty Loyds Barbecued Pork sandwich on a potato roll
  • Thick and Creamy yogurt

Don’t even ask me how many points it was and not only did I eat these things but I ate them on a non-running/exercise day.  Bummedoutness instantly came over me when I was done eating the first four items.  I then went out to the yard to punish myself by finishing a huge stretch of stepping stone paths (pics coming this weekend).  Then after the work outside I had my dinner which was the last three items.  It is not cheating if you count it I always say.  Well, I did not count it.  I had 9 points left over for dinner and I probably ate like 40.  It did not effect me physically at all but mentally it did.  I just plain felt bad for what I did.  I was pissed off and discouraged.

The story behind the candy bar!

After eating the “roni” and chips I went to the grocery store for some maple bars.  My plans was to get four of them.  I had scoped them out two days prior and the case was full of them.  I was getting to the store around the same time so I figured that the case would be full again.  I got there and it was empty.  There was not even one maple bar.  I actually cussed in anger and went to the bakery lady to ask if they had any in the back.  They did not have any in the back.  Dammit those maple bars.  I went on a search for junk after that I ended up with a candy bar that I did not even want and a bag of chocolate covered almonds.


Why do I do this?  Do I set myself up on purpose?  Do I just give in to food I have been wanting for so long?  I don’t recall ever wanting a candy bar since I don’t typically even like them anymore.  They are never a craving.  I have no idea why I did/do this.  I hate it.  I also had the “roni” and chips on Tuesday too.  I am taking some shots in the dark as to why I ended up in this mess.

  • Not getting enough sleep this week.  I have been staying up later to be with my wife more because I just don’t want to miss out. 
  • I have been getting up late.  Since Wednesday I have been getting up late and not had much time to get a lunch together.  I have just been throwing what i can find quickly into a bag.  Not prepared I guess.
  • I have not had all the essential groceries at home and on hand.  I just have been putting off the grocery shopping to get other things done where I should be making groceries a top priority like I normally do.
  • I have been eating dinner to late.  I either run or work in the yard when I get off of work.  My running days actually get my home at a pretty good time but the days where I work in the yard I don’t come in until like 8 o’clock.  This is too late and I tell myself it is time to go to bed and that I don’t have time to make a healthy dinner.  This is an excuse because I then stay up late to be with my wife.  I could have made a healthy dinner no problem.

These are all antecedents to the cause and probably not the cause themselves, but they do influence my success with food choices.  Well, today I have to fast until 12 so I can get my blood work done that the doctor ordered to see how much my weight loss has improved my cholesterol, and other relevant stuff.  Time to go now.  Yesterday sucked big time but hopefully today will be a new and better day.

28 Responses to “Will I ever be “normal”? Maybe not with food!”

  1. April 24, 2009 at 5:22 am

    Oh, man, you hit on all of the reasons that cause me to go off course too. I can totally relate. I like to think of my food addict this way – when I’m out working my WW program, he’s still in the background doing pushups waiting for me to slack off. And the minute I do, BAM! There he is front and center in my face. Yesterday evening, my daughter sat down next to me (late at night) with a bag of Ruffles and french onion dip. It was everything I could do not to have them, but I’d already gone 1/2 point over my daily allowance. I think those of us who have struggled with weight and food have to be vigilant daily. Allow ourselves the “treats” but to be careful, because, for me, it sometimes sets up a further craving.

    Oh – and Jillian Michaels talks about some foods having an artificial ingredient that actually triggers cravings – like in Doritos. I’m going to be getting her new book and when I figure out what that ingredient is, I’ll let you know.

    You are still doing good. The great news is you are able to recognize what’s causing this – how many of us are just drawing a blank when it comes to that self analysis?

    • 2 run4change
      April 24, 2009 at 5:25 am

      Thanks lil miss for your kind support. I like your comments so much. I guess I need to start the self-analysis prior to the eating. HAHA 🙂

  2. April 24, 2009 at 6:20 am

    Hmmm. Well, I hate that this was how your day went for you yesterday. The guilt you mentioned is one I deal with often so I don’t have any ideas on how to overcome it other than to keep trying. I’m constantly telling myself and my friends that life is a journey. You will never ever perfect yourself. It’s impossible. So if you prepare yourself for succumbing to weaknesses from time to time, then maybe it won’t be so hard to shake off the ‘yuck’aka guilt you feel towards yourself whenever you do make mistakes.

    Just dust yourself off and keep going. I know you will.

    And to dust yourself off will require you doing what you mentioned in your post…get to the grocery store and get to bed at a reasonable hour no matter how much work you have left to do on the yard. The other stuff regarding getting up on time and getting dinner on time will naturally be taken care of if you go to the store and go to bed on time.

    I know it will happen. You know it will happen. So make it happen.

    And please know that I’m saying this to myself after a 1.4 lb gain this week so I’m giving this lecture to myself.

    Wishing you a better day,

    • 4 run4change
      April 24, 2009 at 6:22 am

      Sorry about your gain. You will take it off in no time flat I am sure. This happens. i am not beating myself up today but yesterday i started doing it right away after eating. HAHAHA I am a little bruised today but not bad. 🙂

  3. 5 donna
    April 24, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Im not sure if too many of us know exactly why we sabotage our selfs with food,maybe some people who have gone to phychiatrists and had them dig deep into their past have been able to find out I dont know.I do it to myself all the time and yes it is like you said I will be extra tired or stressed and that is a red flag,or I will be happy and satisfied and that is a red flag for me too,so it is a battle that most of us will fight the rest of our lives.I have learned one very important thing from you and that is to not kick yourself for what we call failing,you just get right back up and start again and again whatever it takes.I know that is what you will do too,hey youve done it many times before and youve gotten back on track right.Remember what is important and remember that “I can do all things thru CHRIST who gives me strength.”So true my friend.

    • 6 run4change
      April 24, 2009 at 8:44 am

      baaaa hahahahaha!! 🙂 That is soooo true. I have done it MANY times before and I am still a healthy guy at my goal weight. HAHAHA What a perspective shift.

  4. April 24, 2009 at 8:48 am

    Sorry to hear that you had a rough day yesterday. I’ve been in that situation, too. I’m getting better about it, but I do the same thing sometimes: I really want to eat X. Unable to obtain X (or, usually, trying to avoid X), I feel frustrated and eat Y, Z, and a little bit of A and B. Then I have my “doh!” moment and realize that Y+Z+A+B > X in the first place. (Usually, X is a high-quality, real-deal food like a little 70% dark chocolate, and Y, Z, A, and B are artificially sweetened, pale substitutes of the real-deal food.)

    Looking at your list, I notice a lot of salty foods. I’ve been much more of a salt-a-holic since I started working out more, and I crave salty stuff in the afternoons of my workout days. I have been going for nuts. They’re not a bad choice: healthy, salty, and don’t spike me. But I realized that eating the amount I do is probably keeping me on my plateau. So I’m cutting back on them a little more and using some of the other tools in the pantry. I’m getting back to broth (cartons are easy, or even the jars of bouillon are good to have on hand–scoop out a bit and put it in some hot water). I also found some powder sticks of low-cal, low-sugar sports drinks; I use this on spin days when I really work up a sweat.

    As for “being normal?” Well, like the ad says, who’s normal? I think if someone saw you walking down the street, they’d assume that you were normal and didn’t struggle with food issues. Everyone has their life-struggle; this is yours, and mine, and many, many others out there. (I think it’s probably less normal to NOT have food issues as a life struggle, actually.) You’re not alone.

    • 8 run4change
      April 24, 2009 at 9:09 am

      THank you so much pubsgal. I so appreciate your comment. I relate to it and I am glad i am not alone.

  5. 9 lissa10279
    April 24, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Oh Jason, soooo been there!! Self-sabatoge, testing ourselves, giving in to desires … def. guilty! I think (though you might not realize it) that it’s the same attitude many dieters have — all or nothing; as in “I’m on or I’m off” and there IS a middle-ground. Maybe if you allowed yourself some treats throughout the week, then you wouldn’t need to binge.

    Heather at HeatherEatsAlmondButter.com had a FAB article about why she stopped running … I think you might glean some insight for it. You’ve admitted here you traded drugs for food, food for running … one addiction to another. Maybe learning to modify the compulsive behaviors/mindset would help? I hope you know I care, and that’s why I’m saying this. What you’re experiencing is normal … but beating yourself up — using the word “punish” — just rings all too clearly of DE behavior …

  6. 11 RobFitness
    April 24, 2009 at 9:43 am

    That is a lot of food man, but not that I am trying to compete, but on my bad days I sure eat a lot more than that. I just don’t know when to stop. I hate self sabotaging myself and why I or anyone else does it is a mystery to me. I hate the feeling that I get when I do it. Maybe it’s becasue of all the bland food I eat and I just crave something more tastier. You really though think you have stated some really good reasons WHY!!! It is all about being prepared and having the foods we need readily available to us.; whether in the car, at work or at home. The good foods we need HAVE to be there.
    I do hope the rest of the week goes better for you but may it help you to know that it is normal and we all do it.
    Thanks for sharing your honesty with us all.

  7. 13 lissa10279
    April 24, 2009 at 10:25 am

    You too 🙂

  8. 14 Vani
    April 24, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    I overeat for all the same reasons you listed here!! Great job identifying the reasons in words—it’s a powerful way to assert control over your actions even after the fact. I think it’s important that you recognized that “physically, it didn’t affect me at all, only mentally” — I know how frustrating and demoralizing it is when we can’t trust our stomachs/bodies to tell “right” from “wrong” and need to rely too much on our fickle brains!!

    I hope you don’t “punish” yourself too often with physical activity . . . I hope it can stay a positive force in your life and not one associated with needing to “make up” for overeating. You’re an inspiring athlete, and I hope you get the joy from activity that you deserve!

    • 15 run4change
      April 25, 2009 at 4:07 pm

      I was just kidding about the punish myself with yard work. I see now that some people got the wrong idea but I really didn’t mean it the way it sounded.

      Thanks so much vani for your input. I am glad that you “get it”. 🙂

  9. April 24, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Hi Jason…
    I am sooo glad you posted this today. I have to admit I have been on the wagon and off the wagon so much this last month that I have been too ashamed to even post because I didn’t think I was worthy. Yeah it’s not a nice feeling to be up a couple pounds and feeling like a failure.

    It’s funny because when I think of you I dont think I would ever use the word “failure” to describe you. But a couple I would use… would be “healthy, fit, hot (*blushes) and yes NORMAL”. I really don’t see you was abnormal in any way!! To me your the “guy who is a running fool, use to be big and has such a down to earth…. POSITIVE blog that I love to read.”

    I just wanted to say “thanks” for sharing this today. It makes ME feel more normal and honestly I needed that. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in this struggle and that your not ashamed to admit it…so why was I?


    • 17 run4change
      April 25, 2009 at 4:07 pm

      Colette. Thanks a lot for your wonderful words. You really gave me a “pick me up”. HAve a great weekend. 🙂

  10. April 25, 2009 at 2:34 am

    Praying for you. Been dealing with a lot of the same issues lately. I was talking to my chiropractor who is ending up also being my counselor regarding weight loss. I told him that I had messed up the day before and he said, “Oh so you’re actually human. Get up dust yourself off and get going again.” All this to say Jason you’re human. Stuff happens. We just need to make sure that we get up right away and get back on track and not fall into our old habits. We need to not let one day turn into two and then three. My chiropractor is not your typical doc and he says things that crack me up all the time. He told me yesterday not to stop at McDonald’s anymore and every time I pass one I need to flip it off and tell it that it is not going to F*** up my journey. I told him I don’t flip anyone or thing off and I don’t use the F word, so he told me he would do it for me on his way home. Isn’t that sweet? HAHAHAHA

    • 19 run4change
      April 25, 2009 at 4:08 pm

      HAHAHAHA!! That is hilarious that he is going to do it for you meepa. HAHAHA I love that. THanks for your encouragement

  11. April 25, 2009 at 3:20 am

    I’d love to be “normal” too. When you figure out the trick let me know. Until then it’ll be up and down, up and down for me as well. Hopefully, today will be an up day. The trick for me any more is to have more up days than down and sometimes even that is difficult.

  12. April 25, 2009 at 6:51 am

    The thing about it is that one day of that is not going to ruin anything. It is what you do today, tomorrow, and the next day that matters. What I mean is that one day in and of itself will not ruin your health. The problem for me is that I struggle getting back on track after I blow it. I hope you have a great day today and don’t beat yourself up too much.

    • 23 run4change
      April 25, 2009 at 4:10 pm

      Thanks Steve. One day is not to bad you are right. And I usually get back on track pretty fast but I get worried that I won’t you know what I mean.

  13. April 26, 2009 at 7:03 am

    Hey there stranger. You are a marathon running athlete who had a bad food day. Get some sleep. Eat at elderly people times, and you’ll hammer through.

  14. April 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Totally went off program today. UGH!!!! Know exactly how you feel. I’m already back on track though. Not going to let this get me down. How are you doing?

  15. 28 Sheila
    April 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    I was out of town at a workshop when this post came to my pager…I didn’t have the chance to write back. You’ve gotten lots of perspective on this day in the days since and are focussing on your upcoming Ultra now so I won’t go on and on with my comments.

    But just wanted you to know that when I got this, even though I’m not the praying type (wink) I sent out positive, “be kind to yourself” thoughts to you…

    Glad you have moved on my friend.

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