I went to my weight watchers meeting last night. I almost did not go since I did a marathon last weekend. The only problem is that I did a marathon the weekend before so I skipped that week’s meeting too. I just figured that it did not matter how much I weighed or what happened, I needed to go the meeting. I wasn’t going to weigh-in at first but I did anyway and I did not do so good in that area. This will be ok though. NO need to panic. NO need for guilt. NO need to give up. NO need for any negative behavior actually. What is the meaning of a bad weigh-in anyway: It just means that I ate to much. That is it. Plain and simple. I ate more than I burned. Basic stuff. Modification is necessary if I want to go the other direction.
During the meeting while the leader was talking she asked us if anyone was struggling. I raised my hand so that I could share. Usually she will always call on me to talk so that newer people can hear my story but this time she did not because she could sense my frustration. Not with the program but with myself. My thoughts were focused on two areas of concern to me.
- My addictive nature
- My need for self-reflection and some rigidness.
The first issue actually begins to become one with the second issue the more I think on these things. This is me. This is how I work. This is what my brains, emotions, etc. do during the normal course of my daily life. Because of my running but mostly because of the long events that I do, I give myself liberty to eat what I want after I do runs of 20 miles or longer. This is fine and dandy but can I handle this considering who I am on the inside. The answer to this question is an overwhelming NO.
The addictive nature is a complicated factor when it comes to living healthily and within my goal weight. The truth is, after a long bout of running anyone can basically eat anything they want without negative consequences but that is only if this eating does not persist into the next days. This is where my personality does not agree with the “normal” persons ability to do this. I eat whatever I want for a few hours one day and that leads me down a dark path of eating whatever I want for a few days or more.
The self-relfection and rigidness is something that I am constantly blasted for on this blog. Many people constantly remind me not to be hard on myself, not to be black and white, not to be all or nothing, not to be tooooo extreme with my eating or exercise. This is normally great advice except that it is based on the “normal” person’s thought process not the addictive one. I know myself pretty well and I have an ever-present need to be “focused”. Letting up on the reigns spells disaster for me even though I am constantly advised to let up on the reigns and live a little. I don’t do this well. Now being too rigid with my variety of food or amount of exercise is not that healthy, but I need to be rigid in particular areas in order to succeed. I need to be black and white when it comes to “problem” foods. I don’t know why some people say that ALL food is ok. Well, it is ALL ok but for my addictive little darkside ALL food is not ok. I donut here or there is fine but for me this turns into a donut today and tomorrow and the next day and then into 2 on each of those days and then to 3 on each of those days and so on and so forth. I am tired of “dabling” in the darkness with these trouble foods. I did fine until I started test these waters and now I am struggling because I gave room to the addictive cycle gain strength.