31
Jul
09

Struggling to NO END!!!

Since May 2nd, I have been having a terribly difficult time with my WW program.  Basically it has nothing to do with the program but rather with my not doing the programt he way it is supposed to be done.  After my 40 miler I ate a bunch of crap.  I actually got sick from all the fat and what not.  Ever since this little escapade I have not been able to fully get back to living healthy.  I have not had one week where I did WW the whole week the way it is supposed to be done.  I weigh at the present time 193.  This is lower than my WW lifetime goal weight but it far exceeds my personal and comfortable goal of a maximum weight of 183.  These ten lbs are noticable to me in the mirror, during my running, noticable in my clothes, and noticable in my emotions.

I have had so many junk food episodes since May that I can’t even count them.  I still go to WW meetings and that is a positive but every time I weigh-in it is just a simple confirmation that I am not doing WW.  Let’s face it, I am not doing it.  There is no excuse.  If I were doing it I would not be at 193 and if I were doing it I would not be eating the crap that I have been eating and the way I have been eating it.

I am sooooo afraid of the struggle.  I used to meet it face to face and win just about every time but now when I mee the turmoil I cave 75% of the time.  No I give into the negative emotions and eat the junk to feel better only to feel bad about it and eat again to feel better.

A short little thing I learned just today about myself is that I do somethings in order to justify doing other negative things.  Like weighing myself after the 50 miler.  My friend told me from an outside perspective regarding weighing myself when I knew I would have gained weight.  It made real sense to me.  I knew I would have a sizable gain from the race.  I weighed myself anyway knowing that I would feel horrible about it even though it is a temporary gain.  This in-turn gave me “permission” to say “F” it, I am fat anyway so why not eat a bunch of junk.  This was a most interesting find for me and I realize it is a true thing that I do.

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