I have this issue that I hate. It just devestates me to “feel” rejected by the people that I love. I am not saying that I am actually getting rejected but I most certainly “feel” like it and that is very real to me. It makes me feel so bad when a loved one tells me that I hurt them all the time and yet I have no idea I am doing it. Then, not having any idea that I am doing it makes me feel helpless in making sure I don’t do it.
I am not good at taking criticism from my loved ones. It feels like a personal attack on me just about everytime. It automatically puts me in defense mode. Not so much defensive like, but distance like. As soon as the criticism comes up, my mind goes right away to: “I must get distance. This person can’t be trusted anymore”. I want to be a person who is a people builder and lover and encourager, but when I hear this stuff it crushes me because it appears that in reality I am so far from being that person I want to be.
I heard recently that a person feels bad about themselves when they are around me. With the F is that? I love this person and don’t want to make them feel bad in anyway, shape, or form. I want this person to feel great and happy and confident around me but they say that I make them feel just the opposite. This throws me into a place where all I want to do is distance myself almost in a way to protect them from me. I feel like I am constantly trying so hard to love and be there but it makes no difference. Then I start to feel like they don’t like me and that always crushes me.
On one hand I desire the acceptance of my loved ones sooooooooooo much but then on the other hand I wish I didn’t care so I would be imprisoned by this unsatisfying desire to be accepted and loved by them. I have always wanted to be a person who didn’t care but I just can’t NOT CARE.
What do I do about this? Is it ALL my fault that a person feels bad around me. So much for my little emotions section on the last post because now I feel like shit!