Trying to process some stuff.

I have this issue that I hate.  It just devestates me to “feel” rejected by the people that I love.  I am not saying that I am actually getting rejected but I most certainly “feel” like it and that is very real to me.  It makes me feel so bad when a loved one tells me that I hurt them all the time and yet I have no idea I am doing it.  Then, not having any idea that I am doing it makes me feel helpless in making sure I don’t do it.

I am not good at taking criticism from my loved ones.  It feels like a personal attack on me just about everytime.  It automatically puts me in defense mode.  Not so much defensive like, but distance like.  As soon as the criticism comes up, my mind goes right away to: “I must get distance.  This person can’t be trusted anymore”.  I want to be a person who is a people builder and lover and encourager, but when I hear this stuff it crushes me because it appears that in reality I am so far from being that person I want to be.

I heard recently that a person feels bad about themselves when they are around me.  With the F is that?  I love this person and don’t want to make them feel bad in anyway, shape, or form.  I want this person to feel great and happy and confident around me but they say that I make them feel just the opposite.  This throws me into a place where all I want to do is distance myself almost in a way to protect them from me.  I feel like I am constantly trying so hard to love and be there but it makes no difference.  Then I start to feel like they don’t like me and that always crushes me. 

On one hand I desire the acceptance of my loved ones sooooooooooo much but then on the other hand I wish I didn’t care so I would be imprisoned by this unsatisfying desire to be accepted and loved by them.  I have always wanted to be a person who didn’t care but I just can’t NOT CARE.

What do I do about this?  Is it ALL my fault that a person feels bad around me.  So much for my little emotions section on the last post because now I feel like shit!


14 Responses to “Trying to process some stuff.”

  1. August 6, 2009 at 7:47 am

    Jason, I totally get it. I’m crushed when someone says things like that. Or when they say they need “space” “distance” whatever. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me, like I’m defective in some way. Usually though, if they can’t pinpoint something specific I did that upset them then it’s usually something with them that’s going on and really not about me. We care about other people’s feelings, but we are not responsible for them, and learning that fine line of detachment between caring and owning the responsibility for the feelings is HARD – very hard to learn.

    Hang in there, buddy. This too shall pass. 🙂

    • 2 run4change
      August 6, 2009 at 7:56 am

      Wow little miss. You really put into words how I feel too. Thanks a lot for this. The part about “space” is so like me too. I needed your comment. Thank you

  2. August 6, 2009 at 8:06 am

    It hits close to home for me too because I went through a similar thing with someone over the last couple weeks. It hurt. It was hard. My tendencies to eat for emotional reasons kicked in some and I stopped most of my activity and have been sleeping alot. So I can totally relate. But I learned that what was going on was nothing to do with me at all. I didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and certainly can’t control it – other than myself. 🙂

    Your posts are always very timely for me.

    • 4 run4change
      August 6, 2009 at 8:15 am

      It really comforts me to know that someone feels so much like I do in these situations. It is nice to be related to. I really get overwhelmed with this………………………….

  3. 5 RobFitness
    August 6, 2009 at 8:50 am

    I agree with Little Miss as well. Usually when something like that happens it mostly has to do with them and their issues or insecurities. Maybe they feel threatened by what you are achieving and it’s something that they wish themselves could do. I know I’ve had to distant myself form some people that I love as well. first, I don’t need that type of drama bringing me down to there level. I need to focus on what’s best for me. After all it is my life and health that is my priority. Don’t let them get to you that will create a negative thoughts. You truly are a great guy with a loving, caring and generous heart and don’t let others make you think twice about the awesome guy you truly are.

    • 6 run4change
      August 6, 2009 at 8:55 am

      Well Rob, I am tryin to keep my head up the best I can. I pretty think I am a nice and loving guy but then I hear this stuff and think I am the evil one. 🙂

  4. 7 Tina
    August 6, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Hi Jason,

    I completely have these tendencies too! You are absolutely not alone. Feeling defensive is, in and of itself, a defense mechanism for people who want so desperately not to hurt anyone and who are devastated if their actions cause a loved one unintentional harm. My husband brought this to my attention – that when he brings up something that hurts him, I often get twice as upset as he is. I would make his hurt my hurt, but that would leave him feeling guilty and unheard. I give him so much credit for facing me with this – It made me do some soul-searching, because I realized that when I focused on how I was feeling, I wasn’t helping the person I had unintentionally hurt who was brave enough to share their feelings with me. It is a very hard process, but I am slowly working on, when someone tells me I have disappointed them, to stand there and ask what I have done and how I can help to make it better…it’s a way of showing *both* of us the love I truly have for that person, even when it’s hard and my ego hurts. I unintentionally caused the hurt, but I can consciously do my best to fix it. It’s harder that distancing myself, but it brings me great peace and helps both of us move on.

    That’s just a little bit about how I am starting to handle it, and it helps me not to feel like a bad, evil, failure of a person like before 🙂 It also helps me nurture my loved ones!

    • 8 run4change
      August 6, 2009 at 9:37 am

      Thanks Tina. Your comment was a wonderful eye opener for me. I will try and implement some of this. I think it should help out a lot.

  5. August 6, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Hey Jason. Sorry you are going through this now. I’ve been through similar situations and I know how heart wrenching and all-consuming it can be. I agree with the others that it most likely has so much more to do with the other person and how they feel about themselves than it has to do with you. You mentioned that you “heard” that someone felt bad about him/her self when they were around you. It is unfortunate that the person wasn’t able to tell you this directly. In my experience (and with my personality) I find it so much more helpful if I’m able to face the problem head on and discuss it. I mean–if you are doing something that makes them feel bad it would be helpful to know what it was so that you could either correct it or let them know that its just how things are and you don’t mean any harm to them by doing or being whatever it is they have issues with. It brings me back to the quote–I think it may have been Eleanor Roosevelt, but I’m not sure that went something like–“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think it all comes back to how that person is processing things in his/her own life and a lot less to do with who you are, how you are, or what you do.

    Hang tough, friend.

    • 10 run4change
      August 6, 2009 at 9:53 am

      My Lord, I am getting the best of help from all angles. Thank you so much Teresa. I really like your comment and the quote really touched me. I appreciate you for the time you put into this great comment. Thanks again and I will hang in there the best I can.

  6. August 6, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Here is another one that that gets it. Little Miss was so right on with the feeling vs responsibility thing. I too have downplayed who I am because someone else felt bad, but couldn’t specify. In fact, as I type this I have a friend, a very very good friend, who doesn’t like to talk about her weight struggles with me because I seem to be doing so good. If she would only talk to me about it, she would KNOW the daily struggle and not just see the results of the hard work…and perhaps not feel bad.

    Anyway, some once gave me this quote by Marianne WIlliamson that is so fitting.

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    Jason, unless someone is willing to share specifically something you are doing that hurts them, then it is likely about them and perhaps God is doing a work in them.

    Hope my friend…hope…

  7. August 6, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    I hate it that you are going through this. It tells me a couple of things. First, it is obvious you have a heart and that you care for those who are close to you. That is a quality that is all too often not present. Second, it tells me that this person has some underlying issues. Although you don’t specify what the issue was, I suspect this person is overweight or otherwise unhappy with their physical condition. They are probably jealous that you have attained a level of success. If it isn’t that, then there is something else about you which they are envious of. Whatever it is, they probably feel as if they cannot attain it, therefore, it is something that upsets them.

    With all that being said, this person really needs you (in my opinion). It would be nice if you could find out what the root of the problem is, but you probably cannot do that right now easily. It sounds as if they need some space and time to reflect. If I were you, I would give them some space and when the time is right, see if you can repair the relationship. Of course, it is far easier for me to type this from my computer chair than it will be for you to do it. I am sure you are already doing it, but this is a really good thing to spend some time in prayer about.

    The best to you, I hope this works out.

    • 14 run4change
      August 7, 2009 at 6:14 am

      Steve- I really appreciate the time put into this comment. I like all your comments but this one is very nice. Time in prayer will most certainly be of great benifit on this one. Thanks

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