12
Oct
09

Standing up…………. Pretty much off topic but important to me

I am working on something in my life that is really big for me.  I am trying my best to learn how to speak up and stand up for myself.  Traditionally, I tend to keep quite and listen to what people are saying while never really expressing what I think of the issue, problem, etc.  I am working hard at this.  Sometimes, I basically get really pissed off because I feel like I am not standing up for myself.  But I have found that it is not just standing up for myself that pisses me off.  It is my sense of responsibility for how other people feel.  I emphasize how others feel and tend not to care how I feel so I go off feeling bad  or on egg shells about how I can or can’t make someone feel good.  I give in during many situations trying to keep peace between me and another person but don’t even try to have harmony with myself.  This leaves me feeling empty, resentful, and mad. 

So lately, I am trying to endure the “friction” that occurs when I don’t agree with another in order to also reduce the “friction” within myself so that I can be happier about what I am doing.  This friction within is a major cause of eating bad, giving up on trying to do WW, etc. It is an ongoing thing and it is time to work on it.  It is not easy to work on it but I want to.  I want to be happier about the way I am living and not worry so much about how others are living.  I want to not care so much about possibly making others mad and start caring more about living with integrity and harmony with myself.  This does not mean I want to piss everyone off and totally disregard others feelings, it is more of a shift of releasing the feeling of being responsible for how others feel and start being more responsable about how I feel.  This is not easy for me at all.

 I hope that this will help me live happier and healthier but there is another thing lurking behind this issue that I constantly think about.  There is a person in my life who wants to be free.  Wants to do what they want to do.  Live the “I’m ok, You’re ok” life”.  In a way, this person is trying to do what I also am trying to do but there is something that seems a little bit wrong about all of this.  I mean, what happens when you start down this “road to self-awareness” where you start taking care of yourself.  Where does the compromise start in a relationship.  Should this person always just go their way.  Is it wrong to consider how a decision will impact the other person in a relationship.  Is it good to be soooo separate from another.  How do you maintain healthy attachment and care when a persons whole goal is separateness and personal growth.  How can two people grow in a relationship “together” when each is trying to become so self-sufficient.  What is so God Dang wrong about relying on another, compromising what you want for the happiness of another,  and self-sacrifice. 

Although I want to stand up for myself, in a way it feels at times like a self-centered life of hedonism.  If feels like it is wrong to think that making yourself happy is number one in life.  What the hell.  What if Jesus took that kind of stance on life.  What if everyone just wanted to make themselves happy and not really be concerned about what others think.  Shoot, half the time I think that this is the root cause to so many problems in this world already.  Everyone has a selfish motive behind everything they do.  If people put others first maybe thing would be a whole lot better.  Maybe if people forgot about “loving there neighbor as there self” and actually remember the they are supposed to “love their neighbor as Jesus loved them”.  That is the new way He set forth.  That is drastically different for loving others the way you love yourself.

Ok, I think I am skipping around a lot.  Just writing down thoughts as they come up.  I might make sense or it might not. HAHAHAHAHA  I guess the point is, I want to learn how to stand up for myself more but at the same time I have these doubts as to whether it is the best thing or best way to improve relationships.  Sure if “might” be a good way to improve myself but will it improve relationships with others.

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14 Responses to “Standing up…………. Pretty much off topic but important to me”


  1. October 12, 2009 at 6:09 am

    I think everyone deserves a little “me time” to focus on themselves. However, it’s a matter of achieving balance – nourishing our selfish needs yet remaining aware of others’ feelings in the relationship. I think it’s possible to do both. If it’s too one-sided, I hope you will not be afraid to express yourself because honest criticism is part of any good relationship.

  2. October 12, 2009 at 8:07 am

    “I emphasize how others feel and tend not to care how I feel so I go off feeling bad or on egg shells about how I can or can’t make someone feel good. I give in during many situations trying to keep peace between me and another person but don’t even try to have harmony with myself.”

    “I want to not care so much about possibly making others mad and start caring more about living with integrity and harmony with myself. This does not mean I want to piss everyone off and totally disregard others feelings, it is more of a shift of releasing the feeling of being responsible for how others feel and start being more responsable about how I feel.”

    Oh, boy, did these lines ever resonate with me! I get it. Maybe not from the exact same place you are in right now, but oh boy. I get it. I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. Because of this trait within myself, I was allowing a major friendship to take over my life and drive a wedge between me and anyone else who was not a part of this friendship (including my husband). I didn’t like it, I felt the disharmony within myself over it, but I didn’t know what to do. I finally reached a breaking point where I couldn’t take any more. I spoke up, I spoke my mind, I stood up for myself and my beliefs. The other person decided that they did not want to continue the friendship. They stated their opinion, I stated my opinion, we walked away from each other, and I have now reclaimed my life.

    Ahhhh… freedom. Peace. Harmony. Love. Joy.

    I have heard it said that it is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. The first time I heard that, I thought, ‘oh, that’s not right!’ but the more I’ve considered the truth in that statement, the more I’ve come to realize that it really isn’t any of my business! I think the same holds true for how others feel. It really ISN’T my responsibility to make sure others always feel good, or happy, or fulfilled, or at peace, or whatever. How anyone feels at any given point in time is THEIR choice and I have very little control over that. And it is MY choice as to whether or not I decide to offer empathy, comfort, solace, an ear, a shoulder, a hand. MY choice.

    This post really, REALLY resonates with me today.

    Thank you for sharing.

  3. October 12, 2009 at 8:18 am

    Jason, I get it. I do. I see this (probably did it myself too) when people are starting out on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

    There’s a difference between self-care and self-centeredness or selfishness. My favorite quote is “To thine own self be true and it follows as night, the day, thou canst not be false to any man” (Shakespeare). This doesn’t mean screw everyone else, I’m number one. It means you have to be true to your own feelings and needs, you have to take care of yourself, and do what is right – and AUTHENTIC – to you, otherwise you will have nothing honest or genuine to give to anyone else.

    I think this also equates to speaking up for yourself. There is honesty, (rigorous honesty) and then there is brutal honesty. Sometimes it’s important to speak your mind, but not at the expense of someone else. And then I also know there are times when a white lie is acceptable. Sometimes it’s not our place to tell someone something, and sometimes the kindest thing is to gracefully exit a situation, even by telling a white lie.

    Tough situation and there’s no one hard and fast rule, is there? But I do wholeheartedly believe that, in some way, you (we all) have to stand up for ourselves and speak our truth. Not doing that just becomes toxic inside and spills out eventually – usually with bad effects.

    Hang in there – and CONGRATS on that marathon!

  4. 7 Meg
    October 12, 2009 at 8:39 am

    As a recovering doormat, I can say that NOT being selfish is, paradoxically, still being selfish because you’re trying to control how other people feel and how they see you. When I was growing up, everything I did, including my college major and career choice, was based on what would make others happy. I didn’t exercise because other people wanted me to spend time with them rather than at the gym. I even overate and ate the wrong things because I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the person who made them. You tell me, how is that a good thing?

    I learned the hard way that living my own life is the key to having happy relationships with other people because it’s more genuine. If someone doesn’t like me for being me, then it wasn’t much a relationship to begin with. Good relationships involve supporting each other’s personal growth. That’s how it is in my own relationships now, anyway.

  5. October 12, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    Wow, I have some thoughts on this one…but I want to email them to you and then you can decide if you want to post them…or not.

  6. 12 Beth
    October 13, 2009 at 7:47 am

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and really enjoy your story. You’re such an encouragement!! When I read this post it struck a hard chord with me because of something I’ve been dealing with and working through myself.

    I know from previous posts that you’re a believer, so this may make sense to you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what it means to live under the authority of Christ. It means a lot of things and has a lot of ramifications, but one of the things I think it means is that we don’t have to prove things to people. Jesus was secure in the authority of His Father. When Satan comes to tempt Jesus in the desert, the first two temptations begin with “If You are the Son of God.” Now, Satan wasn’t confused about Jesus’ identity and neither was Jesus. It’s more of a “prove it” challenge. But Jesus doesn’t HAVE to prove anything, and that stems from knowing who He was in light of His Father.

    All that to say that we, too, can be secure and live in light of Christ’s authority. We don’t have to prove things to people. And we don’t have to prove things to ourselves, either. I think this gives us a peace and the ability to live outside ourselves for the benefit of others.

    As Christians we live under Jesus’ authority. And through that we are able to take stands for what is right and confront what is wrong. Jesus wasn’t quiet when He saw things that were wrong; in fact He was very vocal!! In light of standing up for yourself, you should understand that your value comes from being made in the image of God, not what others (or even you!) think. So my encouragement is this: yes, speak up! You are made in the image of God! Live your life under His authority; you don’t have to prove things to other people. Rest in the knowledge that you are secure in Christ. Let THAT be the motivation for your interactions with others, the confidence that comes from who you are in Christ. 🙂 I hope that makes sense.

    God bless!

  7. May 1, 2010 at 4:09 am

    Shimamori r. grammaire japonaise systématique volume i. publié avec la participation de la fondation du japon motercalo de la fondation de france.


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