Nothing worse than this!

Well, as I sit here and write, I have to admit that I still don’t want too.  Well, maybe it is that I don’t really have the mental energy to write.  I am not sure.  I am crushed but not destroyed.  I am ruined but not dead.  This is the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life and I am hard pressed to think that anything could be worse.  I feel alone.  I am not however.  I have loving family who try and encourage.  I wish I could just let it all out right here.  Tell the whole world what is going on in my life.  An  odd occurence, is that those who have broken me and my life will read this.  Will they read it with remorse for bring pain to another.  Will they read it and laugh as if there is not heart in this world.  Will they read it and think that only self matters and that the feelings, lives, family, future of others is irrelevant.  Will this blog post even be read by them.  I forgive you!  I will never again live my life without the trust of my own instincts.  My own gut reactions that I was deceived into thinking were crazy.  They are/were not.  I have grown tremendously in the last two months.  I have become my own pillar that relies on God rather than an amoeba that relies on the acceptance and love of another.  I will make it.  I can stand.  No doubt about it.  Does this mean my brokeness is not real just because I will overcome.  Hell freaking no.  My brokeness is the most real thing I have ever experienced and I am not for a moment going to try and escape it.  I am through with escaping.  I have found that even the worst fucking hurts can be a golden gift if you allow yourself to face for what it really is.  PAINFUL!  If I get into fantasy living and try to escape, I will lift off into a happy and beautiful make believe land.  Sooner or later I will begin to think that this is how REAL life should be.  But when the escape and fantasy end, I will settle right back down through the happy clouds to find myself never have grown.  Never have moved from the place I was when I tried to escape.

So despite this horrific pain, I am not eating my way to happiness.  I am not drinking my way to happiness.  i am not relying on the internet, yard work, or anything else to escape.  I am working through it.  I am not afraid anymore.  Well, I am a bit but not like I was just some short months ago.  I only hope that hurt and bitterness will not rise up and stay.  i will work on this to.  I have lost at least three pounds in the last week.

This may have been jumbled up as a blog post but it is what it is.


15 Responses to “Nothing worse than this!”

  1. November 24, 2009 at 8:28 am

    You’re kind of like a Phoenix, ready to rise up from the ashes and face everything head on (probably a crappy analogy, sorry about that). Congratulations on the 3 pound loss, and I’m glad you’re posting again (even if you didn’t feel like it).

    I sent ya a message using the contact form, hopefully you’ll get it (since it says the form doesn’t always work).

  2. November 24, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Jason – whatever you are going through, please know that there are so many who find you inspirational and pray for your happiness and health. Me included. You will survive whatever pain this is you are going through, and your sharing this with us shows us how to overcome without escape by eating, drinking, or any other means. Keep coming back!

    • 4 run4change
      November 24, 2009 at 9:03 am

      Thank you Claire. I highly appreciate and need the prayers. I will most certainly survive. i will actually be happier I am sure. Thanks again. I am sure that there will come a time soon when I will be able to share the whole story. It will bring much perspective to my struggles for everyone who reads the blog. I has brought a lot to me that is for sure

  3. 5 Rebecca
    November 24, 2009 at 9:26 am

    Hey Jason,

    My husband and I used to write the blog Butterflies & Running Shoes (it’s still there, but we haven’t posted on it), but I just wanted to say that I still read your blog and keep up with you, and I hope everything turns out ok in whatever this situation is.

    In this last year, I’ve been through my share of heartache, and still was able to keep on track (as far as health, weight, fitness, etc. goes), so I wanted to encourage you that it can be done, and that you are strong enough and that you have what it takes. You are an inspiration to all of us, and I wanted you to know that.

    Take care,

    • 6 run4change
      November 24, 2009 at 9:34 am

      Rebecca, your heart felt comment was very nice to hear. I am sorry for your heartache for the past year. I only wish I would have been able to know what I know so that I could have had most of the heartache over by now but that is not how it goes I guess. I appreciate your words of encouragement. Have a great day.

  4. 7 Lochans
    November 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Hello Jason,

    Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time.
    It is awesome that amidst all circumstances, you are keeping sane and following the plan. You motivate me so much Jason, for I often have troubles with emotional eating.
    I feel that all the difficulties life throws at us can be perceived as learning experiences, and then when we look back, there is only the memory of what we learnt from the past. I feel that God is giving me this learning experience, if not for which I would not be as strong as I am or would not be the person I am today.
    I believe in the strength of prayer, and hope that you get the strength to rise above all this.
    Good luck to you and keep posting,


  5. 8 A Guy
    November 24, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    You are such a strong, inspiring, and amazing person. It has been hard to watch you on this journey but I am sure that only the best is yet to come for you!!

  6. 9 CJ
    November 24, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Jason, I am not sure what the problem is for you right now….but know, though I may not know you personally, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong. Believe in yourself. You will make it through this tough time. I can tell you were very emotional writing this. Your words just jumped out at me and I felt I needed to comment! Keep the faith!

  7. November 24, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    Jason, as I have no idea what is going on, all I can say is hang in there. You know who to lean on – He’s always there. Don’t forget that part. Grats for not relying on the vices of the past.

  8. November 24, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    Hi Jason,

    Hang in there we all go through these ups and downs ,but it will be worth it in the end.
    Regards Jools

  9. November 25, 2009 at 3:28 am

    You have gotten me through so much this past year with your encouragement and humor. A time for laughter, and a time for tears…I’m hurting with you today.

    My pastor once did a teaching on pain. He explained that pain is a gift. It was so long ago that I don’t remember the exact words, but I do remember being amazed. I think you’re onto that same thinking here…just feeling the pain, using it to grow, heal, and get better.

    You’re good people bro, and I am so glad to see you opening up like this.

  10. 13 SAM
    November 25, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Hey there Jason. SAM in TEXAS here. Wanted to tell you thanks for writing your thoughts down, even tho it was hard. All of us go thru “stuff” and it does make it easier to know that we arent the only ones…so even tho we dont know what happened, we know you will survive and we will too. Thanks for sharing Brother…keep the faith and know that God is the only one that you can truly count on for anything thing in this life or the next….spending it with Him forever is what keeps me going…much love from TEXAS. SAM

  11. November 27, 2009 at 8:51 am

    I haven’t been here in a while. I am so sorry you have been going through such a rough time.

  12. November 27, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Hi Jason…
    I am sorry for what you are going through. I have gone through my own struggles with weight and life for the past few years. I am learning to embrace it period! I am who I am and fighting it will never get my anywhere I want to be… so I am feeling it every bit of it, similiar to what you are doing. I do believe that I will find inner peace.. Hang in there…

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