Well, as I sit here and write, I have to admit that I still don’t want too. Well, maybe it is that I don’t really have the mental energy to write. I am not sure. I am crushed but not destroyed. I am ruined but not dead. This is the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life and I am hard pressed to think that anything could be worse. I feel alone. I am not however. I have loving family who try and encourage. I wish I could just let it all out right here. Tell the whole world what is going on in my life. An odd occurence, is that those who have broken me and my life will read this. Will they read it with remorse for bring pain to another. Will they read it and laugh as if there is not heart in this world. Will they read it and think that only self matters and that the feelings, lives, family, future of others is irrelevant. Will this blog post even be read by them. I forgive you! I will never again live my life without the trust of my own instincts. My own gut reactions that I was deceived into thinking were crazy. They are/were not. I have grown tremendously in the last two months. I have become my own pillar that relies on God rather than an amoeba that relies on the acceptance and love of another. I will make it. I can stand. No doubt about it. Does this mean my brokeness is not real just because I will overcome. Hell freaking no. My brokeness is the most real thing I have ever experienced and I am not for a moment going to try and escape it. I am through with escaping. I have found that even the worst fucking hurts can be a golden gift if you allow yourself to face for what it really is. PAINFUL! If I get into fantasy living and try to escape, I will lift off into a happy and beautiful make believe land. Sooner or later I will begin to think that this is how REAL life should be. But when the escape and fantasy end, I will settle right back down through the happy clouds to find myself never have grown. Never have moved from the place I was when I tried to escape.
So despite this horrific pain, I am not eating my way to happiness. I am not drinking my way to happiness. i am not relying on the internet, yard work, or anything else to escape. I am working through it. I am not afraid anymore. Well, I am a bit but not like I was just some short months ago. I only hope that hurt and bitterness will not rise up and stay. i will work on this to. I have lost at least three pounds in the last week.
This may have been jumbled up as a blog post but it is what it is.