Beyond what is possible or imaginable!! It is gonna be off topic for a bit but it will be real I promise.

Let me tell you sir, no matter what happens, I will stand strong with the uttermost will to love.  Nothing will stop me.  Years ago I was left for dead by myself with no help from any friend and God picked me up to give me a new life.  I have since done my own share of junk and strayed away from Him.  He still never left me.  I have accepted His grace to live with His love in me.  Nothing that happened nor can happen will be able to stop this.  Not one thing.  If there is one thing I am sure of, I can endure quite the fiery trials and still keep on.  I can do the right thing in the face of great adversity.  I can keep running, loving, and hoping beyond what may be thought of as possible.  I can love the same way He loved me by His grace.  I never thought this would be possible, but in the darkest hours I have found a resolve that surpasses all understanding.  Grace and mercy have flowed out of me in ways that I figured would never happen.  It must be hard for you to throw all that away.  I know you have seen it.  I know you can feel it at times.  but you don’t believe that your own life can be touched in such a radical way for your  own circumstances.  you have given up on yourself but you don’t need to.  You too, can endure and emerge victorious for the people in your life.

The pain, the hurt, and the devastation may seem like a joke.  It sure is real for us.  But endurance and extreme love will prevail.  If not, I shall move on with great gusto for life and love still.  I may get broken and beat down, but I won’t stay down.  I cannot control anyone or anything but myself.  And knowing this, I will do the right thing and love in a manner that will transform even if my desired outcome is not realized.  Nevertheless, this love cannot be touched.  It is priceless love.  Love that breaks through barriers of hard heartedness.  Breaking through pain and confusion only to finally bring clear peace and melted emotional barriers.  This may not even be appreciated as it is happening, but one day it will be remembered and God will use it how He wants to.

In a way, I have to say that this may be the best thing that ever happened to me despite that fact that I feel like I am losing everything including myself.  In this place and at this moment, I am realizing the miracle of Love.  The miracle of radical forgiveness and honesty.  What the hell is all of that for if you can’t tap into it during the hardest hour.  It is like barely creeping along at mile 49 but still knowing I am moving forward.  Still going even though the pain is great.  It might fill every tiny place in my body and mind but I don’t have to give up.  And even if the finish line is not found, the shear will, hope, and work was never in vain.  It is transforming work.  Transforming pain.  Transforming moments in time that make life real.  No time to fake now.  No time to wither inside of myself.  This is the time to emerge heroic with great strength.  Finish, to the best of my ability, keeping my promise to myself and God.  I will be right here waiting.  I won’t allow bitterness to prevail even if things don’t turn out like I hope so badly that they do.  I will float on and give out the most profound forgiveness that I can muster up with His help.  No harsh words only love.  No passing out more hurt for hurt, just mercy and hope.  I won’t finish with hate but with thankfulness for this transforming experience.

On the food front, despite not being able to eat for four days, I am back on track kind of.  Not eating that great but not going crazy either.  The four days actually added 4 pounds to the scale at WW last week.  This is fine for now.  The shock and lack of food to keep me going just through my body for a loop.  As for running, I have kept my schedule as planned except I have not done the speedwork but have accomplished the necessary miles.  And you know what, I am hoping that I can keep on track so that I can make my 100 mile goal race and finish.  What an amazing accomplishment that would be alone but to get it done with the rest of this shit going on would be a down right miracle of God.


3 Responses to “Beyond what is possible or imaginable!! It is gonna be off topic for a bit but it will be real I promise.”

  1. November 29, 2009 at 5:55 am

    Jason, I wish I knew what to say to you. You are pulling strength from exactly where you should be pulling it though. Keep strong brother – keep leaning on the Lord. You have my email, if you need to vent on a personal level, feel free. It seems as if you are working through it just fine without that though.

  2. 2 mikki
    November 29, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    I, along with so many others who read, and are inspired by your blog, am hoping you are well, and it sounds like you are doing ok. Whatever this trial is, you will survive it, and you will emerge stronger. Wisdom is never easily earned, you have to suffer for it. And maybe wisdom is the payoff for suffering.
    Keep on keeping on, dear friend. One foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, 1-2-3-4. Chop wood, carry water.

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