Still going??????

Today was an epic day that changed my confidence forever.  As part of my 100 miler build up, I have a HUGE long run each month.  Huge means beyond marathon distance.  Today I had scheduled for me a 45 mile long run.  I have had doubts for a couple of weeks now (I usually don’t) regarding being able to finish a run like this.  This would be my second longest run ever and to have it during the most difficult time in my life just seemed like to much to deal with.  I woke up and kept putting it off.  I like to do these runs starting at about 4 a.m. so that I don’t lose the entire day to running.  I had planned it out to take me about 8 hours to do it at a nice relaxed pace.  I did not want to get into the run at all.  I just did not have the mental nor emotional strength to get deep into a distance that is so mental.  I was afraid.

At 9 a.m. I decided to go for it.  I decided to do what ultra-runners do:  Just take one step at a time, just go for one more mile, just keep at it for one more hour.  Until a hopeful finish of the distance.  This took everything I had in me to just take the first step into the cold cloudy morning.  I did not take the whole distance into my mind at the start.  I just decided to go out and see what happened.  With this heavy burden that I have been going through and still am going through, I felt like I weighed 300+ pounds again just running out of my driveway.

But like I said, one step, one hour, one mile……………….  I ran, and ran, and ran for hours on end.  I finished my gosh dang run.  It was hard and my emotions and thoughts were running wild about my situation.  I didn’t care though.  I cannot give up my goal for someone else.  This is for me.  I am not out there for 8 hours to prove anything to anyone except for myself.  I questioned it at first but as I kept on I began to realize that despite my heart ache, I was going to conquer this run.  I was going to get it done with reserves left.  I did not finish it with reserves though because I was not able to take in calories nor water for the last 1 1/2 hours.  This basically brought my down very fast at around mile 38 because you just can’t keep up these runs without some replenishment.  I finished it though.


People can do the most amazing things even in the face of great adversity.  I was proud to finish this run while at the same time facing my own reality.  I did not run to escape it.  I did not try to get into a fantasy world where everything was fine during the run.  I let life be what life is:  REAL.  I did not give up when I felt the burden was too much, either the running burden or the emotional one.  I was feeling both the whole time.  I learned a lot about running, myself, and life.  The resilience of a person CAN be so much more than they think.  I don’t think I will ever be the same after today.  Goals can be obtained even if you have to fight the hardest fight around obstacles that other put in front of you.  I don’t have to back down because others actions put a damper on everything.  This is strength.  This is life.  No run, no time, no goal will go uncontested.  Go and get yours and remember that so much is possible.


8 Responses to “Still going??????”

  1. 1 Kim
    November 30, 2009 at 4:36 am

    This, my friend, is inspiring! Way to not let your circumstances control you. Sure sign of you having it, not it having you! Still praying for you!

  2. November 30, 2009 at 8:44 am

    Excellent post. Congratulations on your longest run yet! You are an incredible inspiration, and even though you are going through a hard time right now, things will get better. I am so happy you’re posting again, because I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have your blog to read!

  3. November 30, 2009 at 8:49 am

    So important to do it for yourself to show yourself you can. I’m praying for you jason through this difficult time.

  4. November 30, 2009 at 10:40 am

    WooT to you! Congratulations on picking yourself up and finishing your run.

  5. 5 mikki
    November 30, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    The Neil Young song “Walk On” often runs through my head (often uninvited!) during long runs, but it’s a valuable lesson. Good for you! For you, I will dance to the Pointer Sisters “I will survive!” with my 2 year old tonight. Chop wood, carry water!

  6. 7 Sheila
    November 30, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    In the famous words of the director of Leadville, Ken Chlouber: “You’re better than you think you are, and you can do more than you think you can.”

    Your well is DEEP, my friend.

  7. 8 athleticme
    December 3, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Wow, Jason. You never cease to amaze me. Thanks for the inspiration.


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