Deep sense of humility and meaning.

I hope that it is not too annoying for you guys to see that I am not posting a lot on weight loss and exercise.  It is just that they are sooooo small in comparison to what is going on in my life, in my heart.  I am maintaining just fine in those two areas for this time of my life though just so you know.

I have found much meaning during this trial in my life.  Though I have been devestated greatly, I am finding my way.  I have been writing in a journal.  A hand written journal.  This has turned out to be a profound experience of exploration into the depths of myself and life in general.  It has allowed me to search each situation of this time in my life to reach a cross-roads.  At these numerous cross-roads I come to a decision.  This decision is to live.  To learn.  To face.  The more I write, the less I go into the deep pit of despair.  The more I write about where i am at within myself, the more I realize I am strong in weakness.  I have found that I have short changed myself for years.  I have always tried to escape everything which has really aided to keep me where i dont want to be.

To my great surprise and astonishment, I am finding profound meaning in all of this choas and hurt.  I have realized that selfishness disappears when compassion comes in.  And when compassion on those who hurt you comes in, a significant change occurs.  This change is humbling because it just doesn’t seem like it can come from me alone.  “It must be God,” I think to myself.  If I am at a place where I have nothing to actually give but am still able to give what I don’t have is amazing.  The strength and resiliancy of the human spirit is deep.  I have been only living on the surface of life for so long.  I didn’t know this at the time, but going down so deep, deeper than I ever thought I would go has given me a glimpse of the actual depths of life.  I don’t want to miss out on that anymore.  I remember now that deep calls out to deep.  That so many of us live on the surface of life because it is safe.  In this safe place there is much meaningless.  Playing it safe emotionally with yourself and others make things less interesting.  Who really knows you when you live there.  Do you really know yourself when you live there?  I don’t know.

I went for years before I met Jesus telling myself that “I am just being real.  I don’t care what other people think.”  This was a joke.  Being “myself” was me trying to play it safe so that i did not get hurt.  Being “myself” kept everyone at a distance because I was so insecure.  I did care what people think but I had to pretend that I didn’t so that I didn’t get hurt if they didn’t like me for whatever reason.  Now, I am ok if someone doesn’t like me.  It is just fine.  I have given up trying to control this.  If they don’t like me I can’t make them like me.  There is freedom here.  It still hurts but knowing that I can’t control it makes a big difference.  Since I am not so afraid of the hurt now, I also don’t have to try and be a way to make sure I don’t get hurt.  This is all humbling. 

I know I am just jumping all over the place with my writing on the blog and it might now make any sense at all to someone of you.  This is fine though.  I know some of you understand too.  Thanks all!


2 Responses to “Deep sense of humility and meaning.”

  1. December 7, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Jason I’m still praying for your situation and that God will give you guidance. I can relate to food not being central when other things pop up. I had that experience this fall. Just trust that God has a plan in all this even if you wish he didn’t trust you so much 🙂

  2. 2 Kathy
    December 8, 2009 at 8:06 am

    I’m not annoyed at all! That is what those of us with weight issues have to learn to do; to deal with our problems by talking them out and sharing with others, instead of eating away our problems. I just hope that this problem is resolved soon and I hope and pray that it turns out positive. I hate you’re going through such a hard period of time and pray that it’s over soon. Hang in there and keep writing your feelings down. Good luck on your upcoming run!! Remember….all of us blog friends are pulling for you!! Love ya!

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