Archive for the 'Struggles' Category

10
Dec
14

One aspect of mental toughness for runners

reality-check-ahead-signMental toughness is REALLY important for runners of all types.  Being mentally tough makes us better athletes.  Some people have found a way to become more mentally tough even when they aren’t running.

Everyone knows that not running, when you are a runner, is tough…..but have you ever thought about how you can mental train yourself to be more tough by demonstrating mental toughness during an injury?  That’s right, you can continue to train even when you can’t train by enhancing your mental toughness during a time of despair.  Taking a break from running is not so easy sometimes, it takes it’s own type of endurance, and you can use this to your benefit.

Here’s how:

  1. Think positively- Oh yes, easier said than done for sure.  During a hiatus, it’s important to practice substituting negative guilty feelings with positive grateful ones as fast as  you can when the negative thoughts hit you.  This practice will really help you when you are back on your feet in a race.
  2. Train your mind by challenging yourself with exercise you don’t like as much.  This will help you when you reach that HUGE freaking hill that you don’t like in the race since you know you can do what you don’t like to do now.
  3. Relax and think long term.  You know how at the beginning of a marathon or 50 miler you don’t just sprint your way to the end???????????????????????  You don’t do that because it’s not wise and won’t get you what you want.  Think like this when it comes to taking a break because of injury.  Long term health and vigor are the most important in the end, plus………relaxing is imperative to your success while running as well.
  4. Use the spare time to FINALLY spend a Sunday with people you love since you can’t be out on the road for 5 hours.  This will help you be more joyful while you are running as well.
  5. Stay mentally tough by making sure that you eat properly since you are not burning all those calories like you were when you were training hard.  This goes back to #4 and long term health.  You will also be feeling better if you kept at your current weight when you get back to running.

Those are some simple tips that will help you increase your mental toughness when you can’t increase it by running!

02
Jul
14

How important is routine to your weight loss success???

IMG_0016As the tress in the picture border and frame out the pathway, routines can become one of the most important pillars that will hold you up until you achieve your weight loss goal.  And again like the picture, your routines can frame your path to success.  I believe to achieve weight loss without consistent routines is very difficult.  Think about it…………you have to exercise consistently, then you have to slowly ramp up the exercise consistently, you will have to have a pretty consistently healthy diet where you eat less than you burn, and you will have to weigh consistently.  Each of these things will have a routine with it.   For example, I weigh myself once per week on Monday’s and ONLY Mondays.  That is my routine and it has a purpose (weighing more often than once per week can breed trouble and discouragement due to normal fluctuations).  I also have exercise routines that I do on a consistent basis.  I am changing these routines up now but once I get the changes made I will have developed a new routine that I will perform on a consistent basis.

Another thing that a routine can do for you is give you something to look forward to, or measure, or beat.  It gives a person a good feeling when they do something that their routine calls for.  When you are supposed to work out after work on Wednesday and then you do it, it builds up confidence in you.  Confidence is often built upon what YOU DO. This is why I think the main focus, especially in the beginning, is to develop a routine that you can consistently follow.  One that if you do it, it will be impossible not to succeed as long as you have patience.  Routine, habit, consistency…………..I guess you can call it by many names.  Just KNOW that doing the right things over and over will get you to where you need to go.  It won’t always be at the speed you want and sometimes it may be faster, but having the endurance to keep on keeping on will get you a win.

HOW DO YOU DEVELOP A ROUTINE?

  1. Write down you goal
  2. Read that goal daily
  3. Write a daily “to-do” list of things that you have to do to achieve that goal (stay within weight watchers points, calories, exercise today).
  4. Be persistent and develop patience
  5. Watch yourself achieve your goal
  6. Be thankful
23
Jun
14

Update on the journey

img. credit:www.tynesweb.com

img. credit:www.tynesweb.com

This is an update on my journey.  The funny thing about being on a journey, whether it be weight loss or personal growth or whatever, is that there is no end to it.  Just like the road in this picture, a persons journey is a long and eventful passing of time which makes you into the person you are.   Often times the journey takes you on a road that is up hill. LOL.

Anyway, I have kept the weight loss faith.  I have not forgotten what it takes to succeed and win some of the battles that we all have to fight.  I don’t always win but I get my share.  Since shortly after the start of 2014 I have lost significant weight, I am happy as heck with my family at home, and my journey has taken me to a place I NEVER dreamed that it would take me.  Well……….I guess I dreamed of it I just never thought it would come to reality.  The last post I wrote on the blog was in November 2011 and it was set to private because it was deeply intense and personal.  The things I wrote in that blog were things I only dreamed of, things I never thought I would experience because the things I was currently experiencing at that time were so bad that I figured I could never grow strong enough to create change in my own life.  Well, I did!!!!  Actually, I can hardly believe that I did it.  Maybe someday I will share that part of my journey with you.

On the eating and exercising front I am winning the daily battles.  The weight gained is now coming off at a good clip, my fitness level is increasing dramatically, and my mind is being refreshed with new vigor.  I never did gain all my weight back but I did gain a good portion of it.  It was hard, REALLY hard because you begin to think you are a bad person or that you are not worth what you once were.  That is bull crap.  You are worth it and you are still that same ole’ person who has desires and dreams and hopes that all things can be possible for you.  It just so happens that you are in a shell that you aren’t happy with, a shell that keeps that “good” you from coming out, a shell that diminishes the power of happiness in your life.  Sure you can still be happy and you would be better off if you COULD BE but your mind plays tricks on you.  It tricks you into believing you are LESS when you weigh more.  The sooner that you can realize this the sooner you can take the bull by the horns so you can go for it and get what you want.  Life is ahead of us, and life is really short………..I am taking the simple daily steps to get the most out of my life. 

Oh yeah, last week I also just finished my 27th marathon.  It was my slowest one, and by far the most difficult but a great victory nonetheless. 

23
Jun
14

Writing, Running, and Life Change

IMG_1216

The picture above is my lawn.  To me……..today……..this pic represents a fresh start that is based upon YEARS of hard work and planning.  It’s spring and summer time.  The lawn is looking its best but it is because of the work put in prior.  I know it is just a lawn but the meaning behind it is so powerful.  This lawn has taken money, huge amounts of time, hard and difficult work, plenty of planning, and a mass amount of maintenance.  I will go as far as saying that it is a good representation of life and what so many of us aspire to.  Not that everyone aspires to have a beautiful time consuming lawn, but what we do aspire to takes the same types of efforts and focus.  Weight loss is one of those things.  It takes money, huge amounts of time, hard and difficult work, plenty of planning, and a mass amount of maintenance.  It is a goal and achievement not easily won, but IT IS POSSIBLE.

I am back to this blog after a long, long time away but I have never stopped striving and working on myself to get to where I want to get.  I have gained some weight back, I…..with much gusto……..let some bad habits back in, I didn’t exercise for a long time, and I just did a lot of things that I knew would not help me to achieve my goals.  I didn’t let it all go though.

Anyways, it is good to be back.  I am not sure if anyone will still read any of it but I most certainly need it AND desire it.  Writing gives me great avenues to express myself in a healthy way which reminds me of where I want to go and who I want to be.  Hopefully over time others will get some benefit from it.

06
Jan
11

Weight watchers: if you blow it……..hold on cuz it might not be so bad

So yesterday I had a scare at work that basically through me (somewhat unknowingly) into myemotional eating persona. LOL.  It was stressful that’s for sure and the minute somebody asked me if I wanted some fast food I hoped right on that band wagon without a thought.  Then I felt guilty about it and ate a bunch of candy.  All in all I ate 91 WW points for the day.  It was a true blow up but I stopped it after the candy since I was actually pretty dang full of the yummy fatties.  I wasn’t going to count any of those points but today I decided it is what it is and I should count it.  I turned out that it was not such a horrible blow up after all.  Sure I emotionally ate which I don’t like to get into when I can help it but even after counting all 91 points I still have 13 weekly points left.  That was a huge relief and I could have enjoyed many more hours of “NON-GUILT” if I would have just counted it right away and known the truth.  So it was a good lesson RELEARNED!!!  If you blow it, just hold on, stop, and count the calories/points.  It is usually not as bad as you think it is.  It is the guilt that you let fester that kills you because you hop right back into that bad healthy cycle.

Today was a much better day for eating.  I also ran.  Yesterday I didn’t run because of the work emergency and the mass amount of food made me to full to run.  But I was back at it today.  It was a drizzling dark night tonight with heavy heavy fog.  The run was tough, I ran faster than I normally do and I just wasn’t in to it.  I didn’t enjoy it that much but sure was happy that I did it.  Here are a couple of pics from the run.

this is what my run looked like to me. it was actually pretty beautiful and neat

27
Dec
10

A new dawn ahead: Weight Watchers, Running, and a Fresh start

A new year is ahead of us.  This year has been a very wild ride for me personally.  I have not been posting here at all for sometime for various reasons but have not stopped writing because writing is something that helps me learn about myself, my ways, and my weight loss journey.  I hope that I have not lost all my friends here.  I am going to start posting regularly again and I am pretty darn excited about it.  Please feel free to join in on my adventures for 2011. 

For starters, I have gained about 50 lbs.  Yeah that is a lot but what can I do about it now except move forward into a new and exciting dawn. 

This was during my run tonight.

Here I am just days ago during my family christmas

Running

Part of the weight gain came about because of a serious burn out on running that was largely due to personal life stuff that I described on the blog earlier this year.  I tried hard to hold on to all the running I was doing but I just couldn’t, not with the mental stress and life changes.  Plus, I was working really hard on balance. I think I went to far with it though………….LOL!  So I never stopped running but I cut way back and am currently on my way back to running more and getting fit.  Come along with me as I progress again in my fitness, endurance, and running.  I feel like I am practically starting all over with running but I am far from that I think.  Still, way out of shape in my opinion and the extra wait is not fun to run around with.

Weight Watchers

I am, as you may have guessed, doing weight watchers for the “healthy eating” portion of my journey.  I get lots of points on this new POINTS PLUS plan.  Seems pretty well.  At the current time I am not going to meetings but doing it online.  I am having good success with it so far and plan to continue that for sure.  With the exception of xmas day I am eating pretty good and counting EVERYTHING. I know what to do, I am not making excuses, and I will succeed. Soon enough I will look like this again. LOL

Stay tuned to the blog to follow my journey-a-fresh.  I am excited and I hope that my posts can help you on your own journey with real life inspiration.  IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.  I AM COMING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD!!!

02
Jun
10

A life lesson from a “tuff” race!

 

photo by strangesports.com

So I have been thinking about this blog post for about two months now and this last race pushed me over the edge to finally be able to articulate in some form what I have wanted to say.  Most of you  know that I think ultra-running parallels life in many interesting ways.  One of the ways is the unexpected blow up.  Just reading what I just wrote possibly brought up your own sacred times in life where you experienced a “blow up”.  Not of temper, not of fire, but of life itself and the dreams that are contained within it.  Times in your life that forced a renegotiation of your goals or path.  We have all experienced this in some form or another.  But what we do with these times is what counts the most.  Avoiding times like these at all costs will not permit you to totally avoid them.  We can plan, we can hope, we can pray, but these times occur regardless.  It is possible to minimize the damage they can cause or possibly their frequency but one thing is for sure; they will happen.  And this is ok.  So I am going to write out one of these the best way I know how because I think you’ll like it and I just need to do it so here it goes.  Picture your own life as I describe the situation in running form.

Ahhhhhhh……….my goal is ahead and I have worked so long and hard and dreamed for so long about it.  I can taste it.  I can almost experience my dream in my mind just pondering on the attainment of the goal.  THAT place is so happy.  I know it will be amazing to get there and the sense of peace I will have knowing that I got my dream.  The journey has been long to get to the starting line but I am here.  I start my race with such joy and comfort knowing what my future hours hold for me.  Running in the breeze thinking how blessed I am to be able to be taking part in life like this.  I meet people along the way that improve my experience greatly.  I find out more about them as we run together.    I know that they are most likely just for a time but at this time it is great to get to know them.  As I am running I see the hills before me without fear because I know I can walk if needed or I can slow it down enough to conserve my energies.  There is no rush really, I have a long race ahead of me but the excitement must be contained so that I don’t burn out on a good thing.  I keep on just getting more excited that my dreams are ahead of my and they will become a reality.  Of course there are rough patches during the run.  My legs burn and I want to rest.  My back is tight and I want to stretch.  Many thoughts come during those rough patches that widdle my dream down to barely possible.  Then the sun shines in through the trees and my life returns as I eat some more carbs.  My mind awakens and I am in “the good” again believing all is possible.  Time moves on and on as I run.  I’m running, I’m running, I’m running.  After a long time of pursuing this dream something happens seemingly out of nowhere.  It’s the blow up.  The blow up is a devastating crushing blow to my mind and emotions.  The dream is shut down and the door feels closed.  Survival is my only thought during a blow up.  That and giving up completely.  I know the end is near enough but the short distance from the present darkness to the light at the end of my great achievement appears to be many more miles than it really is.  My thoughts change from delight in life and running to self questioning and sanity.  “Was I stupid for trying to achieve and experience great things.  Did I bite off more than I can chew.  Will I hurt myself doing this.  Am I in danger in this dark time” .  All the negative thoughts that I was able to conquer regarding my dreams before are now so consuming that I cannot shut them up.  Panic sets into me just as powerfully as the joy set in earlier in my journey.  Will I be able to get what I want so badly out of this now that attaining my original goal is impossible?????  This is where the magic happens in ultra-running AND life.  I know I can’t make it to my original goal.  I am already running longer than my goal finishing time and I have so far to go still.  What am I to do with all of this.  If I give up and quit I still have to walk to the finish because there is now way out of the race (life).  If I keep going through this blow up it’s going to hurt really bad and I don’t want to hurt that bad anymore.  If I just go slower I might as well quit!  But then the renegotiating happens.  At first I hate it because it feels weak like a cop-out but the courage begins to build again but for a new purpose.  The original goal is now very far gone but the endurance and capacity to conquer the blow up now takes precedence.  I find myself realizing that the journey could very possibly be more important than the attainment of the original goal.  The the experience of this hurt, this “failure”, this “shame” could be worth millions more than crossing the finish line without scars.  Although down and out, I forge ahead with a new but painfully real struggle.  I must not let the “blow up” finish me.  Then it hits me, “OMG………..the goal is not me.  I’m me and I don’t have to let the circumstance finish me and in fact I can let it refine me.”  My heart melts at the prospect of making it through this blow up as a better man, as a better more knowledgable runner.  I find great peace in this painful experience knowing that just making it through to the other side of it means so much to me.  And when I cross the finish line where my goal once sat waiting for me to take it, I am thankful for making it at all.  I am thankful for that pain and hurt that even though at the time seemed so intense was really only temporary as compared to the impact it will have on my future runs and life. 

So I think it is with life too.  We all have goals and aspirations and dreams.  Sometimes it is as though we are running through life so smoothly but we don’t see that huge cliff that drops off just ahead.  That cliff that swallows up so much of what we think we have in us to give.  That blow up that takes so much out of us that life seems terribly painful to keep at.  So much is possible for us.  So much is right there for us to become if we can renegotiate the path and the goals.  In a sense I feel like even though we might not get what we originally wanted, we will get the best that is attainable by moving on through the blow up.  Things get painful, and slow, and don’t work on our time line but keeping on develops in us such a tremendous power to achieve the most important thing.  That is to achieve the depth and reality of the person that we can be.

18
May
10

A special gift, a fast run, and losing 4 lbs.

Yesterday I was inspired by a VERY special person to keep on posting on the blog.  She reminded me that my journey was special and that I was special too.  I work a lot of hours and don’t spend a whole lot of time at home anymore.  After work yesterday when I got home, there was a special gift sitting on my front door step.  It was my favorite dessert in the world from Elephants Delicatessen: The infamous ding dong cake.  I could not find a picture of it and it would probably make the strongest of  you fall of the wagon anyway. LOL.  It was just sitting there and enclosed within the bag was a magnificent letter of encouragement.  It made my day and it offered my up a fabulous post run meal.  🙂  Thanks special person!

Once I got over the intense pleasure of receiving a wonderful gift I started to prepare for my run.  Well, after some thank you’s and a 5 minute nap.  I woke up refreshed and looking forward to a good run.  I had 7 miles a goal marathon pace which is about 7:30 minute miles.  I knew it was going to be hard but I was not afraid of that.  I was not afraid of failing in this run.  I took a step out the front door to experience what ever the run would lead me too.  I reached into my running jacket pocket to commence Breaking Benjamin on my Ipod.  As the song Anthem of Angels flooded my ears I began my run halfway down my driveway.  My neighborhood road is exactly .5 mile to the main road I venture out on.  There is a hill just before the main road and I was tired already.  I did not hesitate to walk about 50 feet because I knew I had to run a fast run and walking that short distance would not hurt me.  I was already breathing hard but kept at it.  I got to the main road and settled into my pace.  I ran and ran and ran and listened and listened.  Much emotion was built into this run and it carried me a good distance.  After 3 miles I finally got into my zone and the running felt easier which is odd because usually it takes me a good hour to kick into smooth running.  Step by step, minute after minute, mile after mile………..I made my way back home averaging a pace of 7:29 just like the clock in the pic.  It was a hard run and it was a succesful run.  I am just getting back into running goal paced runs more regularly since the 100 mile attempt last February.  It feels good and I am looking forward to growing in running again. 

I also lost 4 lbs last week.  My workouts with the trainer are going well and I can see changes in my body already.  I will have to lay off the legs though so I will probably be cutting the training down to twice a week really hard without the third day for legs.  I’m STILL keeping on keeping on.

A word for my fellow journy-people:

Sometimes life is smooth sailing.  The trail you are running is clear without obstruction.  You feel good, you are succeeding, you are winning the good fight.  Then comes a steep steep hill.  This hill comes out of nowhere and it scares the crap out of you.  You have no idea how you can make it up such a steep climb and you don’t understand how such a huge obstacle could just appear right in the middle of your smooth sailing  journey.  ITS OK!!!  You will keep at it.  Taking one step at a time climbing higher and higher until you reach the top but it will be hard and that’s ok too.  There may be plateaus mid-hill.  You maybe be able to rest for a moment only realizing you are not at the top and that the weight you carry is just too much to carry on.  There is hope in this hill.  You will learn yourself, you will change, you will become the person you dream of.  You’ll be able to start again up this hill.  And the higher you climb the more the hope that was lost will be begin to build up again.  There is hope, there is victory!

05
May
10

Running through it

Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant.  I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations.  At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today.  I have not been doing ALL BAD!  So I will look on the bright side of things.  I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better.  I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles.  I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back.  I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard.  And the hard stuff is not over yet either.  Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder.  But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all.  It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place.  Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it.  I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc.  But I have not turned my back on running.  I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running.  My come back races were 32 and 41 miles. 

This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together.  It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again.  I am back to exercising with cross-training.  I am excited once again about my running goals.  I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come.  I have to start somewhere.  Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once.  I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can.  i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so.  So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on.  I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be.  I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard.  But I am glad I have learned it.  VERY GLAD.

18
Mar
10

Out of hermitville…………New life Check Up

Hello everyone.  I have decided, for the benefit of my own health to come out from being a blog hermit.  I have experienced a lot since the last time I wrote to you all.  My life has changed drastically, my heart is soft again, I have opened up myself to other around me, and I HAVE EATEN A VAST AMOUNT OF FOOD. HAHAHAHA.  I am not complaining though.  For today I show myself mercy and I don’t do that too often.  At this time it is needed however, so I will give myself a break.

  • I am current 8 lbs over my WW lifetime goal.  Yup, that is right, I actually had to pay the last time I went and that was the first time in around 2 years. 
  • I am having a hard time with recovery in my running lately.
  • I have stood up for myself and been authentic more in the last three months than I ever was in my previous 33 years of life.
  • My heart has changed drastically and I am excited to move on in my life to experience even more love and growth than ever before.
  • I am back to WW and starting out on a new path.  I will do well for sure.

I have received so many emails from all of you who care.  I appreciate it more than you would ever dream.  I did not return any of them for the most part but I did take each and every word that you spoke into my life and used it for good.  I have slowly (some would tell me VERY quickly) but surely emerged from a lot of crappy darkness.  I will never be the same but I will be better instead of worse. 

I will tell you all, that I have learned so much about myself and about people.  I have experienced and learned so much mercy and understanding.  When I think of it all I kind of melt into a lump of thankfulness.  I get filled with emotion at the realization that people (yeah, all of us) have the capacity to endure and grow more than even I ever imagined.  And I saw that Love and Compassion for others is a major factor in my ability to endure such things that I have.  I saw that my running is more of a picture of my life than I thought, and that it has taught me good lessons that will stick with me for a lifetime

A LITTLE MESSAGE TO YOU ALL

You know what guys, sometimes things just get hard don’t they.  Sometimes they add up over time, and other times they rush in to overwhelm.  I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens or has happened, just about anything is possible for you.  Now is not the time to give up on what you want in life.  Now is not the time to think of yourself as a throw away.  Now is not the time to let others talk you out of your dreams.  I know you can do what it is you want to do.  Just take one step, just one.  And in time, you will one day be where you want to be.  And during those many steps you will fall down.  This is ok.  This is nothing to panic over.  This is the normal human experience and it is highly desirable albeit not enjoyable.  Because when we do fall, we learn how to stand once again.

19
Feb
10

Point of inspiration and rememberance.

Had a horrible day the other day.  It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general.  Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident.  But……..I got an email from a good friend.  My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it.  I can’t even express the importance of that email to me.  The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING.  The email did not have any information that I don’t already know.  It did not have any secret to success.  It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life.  Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present.  You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life.  He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small.  So his email was a reminder to me.

It is so easy to forget what I have done.  That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs.  He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story.  And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again.  It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again.  I was humbled by the achievements that I had done.  I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way.  I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me.  I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months.  I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have.  The ability to overcome.  I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am.  But yesterday I started out a fresh.  I ate perfectly.  I exercised well.  I thought well of myself.  Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself.  I want to achieve a healthy self respect.

01
Feb
10

All set with my food

I finally went grocery shopping.  I have not been but once or twice in two or three months.  I have just been having a heck of a time in life but I finally went.  I got what I needed to stay on track until the race and plan to keep on track after the race.  I am looking forward with much anticipation for being more healthy and being more kind to myself in the future.  I will lose the weight I gained, regain some of the confidence that has been destroyed, and build myself back up.  The world has so much to offer and I will take it in.  All that life has to offer both good and bad.

I feel pretty ok today.  So proud of “starting over”.  I have developed a lot of bad habits again but they can be broken just like they were before.  It is an emergency and at the same time not an emergency.  No reason to panic.  No reason to give up.  Just a bump on the road that brings about the need to reconsider and adjust goals.  All is well.

29
Jan
10

getting close but feeling fat

Ok, I have been eating off of WW and kind of out of control for a while now.  My situation has proved to be more powerful than I thought as far as emotional eating goes.  I have really been doing bad in this area and I have realized that my feelings about myself really good down hill when I am not being good to myself by being healthy in general.  This sucks.  BUT…………..I am getting my goals reorganzied, writing them down, and starting to get more focus again.  It is sooooo hard.  It is one thing to be focused on healthy when you are doing well but when you are feeling bad about yourself it is not so easy you know.  But I shall start up again.  What else can I do.

The race is very close now.  I will leave in less than a week and toe the line in exactly 8 days.  I am nervous much because of my weight gain since my situation broke out and my life turned upside down.  However, I won’t give up.  Sure, my life is upside down and all around, but it is time to regain some momentum for health and being good to myself.  I will need to lose some significant weight.  And I will need to be patient with this.  I am hoping that participating in this 100 mile race will reignite my fire for life and health and weight management.

05
Jan
10

It is a freaking war over here. Take the poll too!

I feel like it would take this many people pulling for me to freaking eat good on WW for just one full damn day

I am at a loss right now for eating.  As you know, I can do running.  I can do goal setting.  I can do a lot of stuff but right now I am having the hardest time eating well.  Eating well is the most essential part of the weight loss and maintenance journey other than internal healing of self.  Without proper eating, I could gain all my weight back while still running and eventually running would end.  I am scared right now about this guys.  I have not been in this place since I was never on WW.  I have not given up hope though.  We all fight out fight but hearing you guys talk about your stuff on your blogs, I get courage from it.  I need you guys now.  I can’t do this alone.  I need some building up.  I know I get a lot of it already but this is a special time for me.  A VERY SPECIAL TIME.  A time like non other.  I am going to make it even if I do all bruised up and scratched.

So here is some truth for ya!  I weighed 211 when I went to Hawaii.  I weighed 207 the day after I got back.  I have not weighed since then because I am scared to death of it and it doesn’t even matter how much I weigh if I am not eating healthily.  I want to be in the 180’s and I won’t be able to get there before my 100 miler.  This was my goal but with all the Sh– that is going on I have been eating my emotions you know.  Here is what I am going to do.  I want to tell you all for the tiny bit of accountability that it is.  Usually you all forget after a while. hahaha  So I get to slip by.  Like quitting chewing.  Remember that one like a year ago, and then 6 months ago, and then a couple of months ago.  HAHAHAHA  I have quit now though.  12 days today.  No chew.  Here is what I want to do about this:

  • Take one moment at a time.  Bring it back to basics.  Make ONE GOOD HEALTH DECISION at a time
  • Keep my running program up to train properly for the 100 miler which is in 32 days.  It is not easy training for this type of race under this kind of emotional trauma, but I am convinced I will conquer.
  • Go grocery shopping for all necessary food to keep me going.
  • Blog more about my food, weight, and health struggles.  Get my mind focused
  • Go back to WW now that I am not so damn depressed.
  • Take every tiny freaking bit of encouragement you guys can give. 🙂
  • NEVER, and I mean NEVER give up.  One step, keeping on keeping on, I WILL MAKE IT DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my motivational pic for the moment. I am a hardcore athlete and I can get back into the shape I want to be in. I will win and live this battle.

.

21
Oct
09

More record setting: Running and eating

World Record holder for the mile: 3:43.13

World Record holder for the mile: 3:43.13

To the left is the current world record holder for the one mile distance.  Pretty amazing to go a mile in 3:43.  That is running about 16 miles per hour.  That is very fast. (This link will show you the progression of men’s and woman’s mile world records.)

Today I set my own record for the mile.  I ran a mile in 5:36.83 besting my previous record of 5:41 from only months ago.  Prior to that my PR was 6 something.  My legs turned to rubber after I finished and I still had the rest of my workout to do.  I ran 1.25 miles to the track, did my mile time trial, and then finished it off with 8X400 meters at my 5K pace (6:08).  It was a hard workout and my mental toughness was not where it normally is.  I really had to fight to keep on keeping today.  I have been going through a lot lately so mentally I am pretty damn tired.  I still did it though and I am proud of not giving up even when my lungs felt like they were on fire.  HAHAHAHAHA

Unfortunately, I had three pepperoni’s afterward.  I have been having the worst of times with my eating.  I want to do good so bad but I keep on eating junk.  I tried to draw a line in the sand like Steve said but I just haven’t been able to stay on the right side of the line.  Life is not over, the journey isn’t ending, but I have a lot of guilt and negative feelings about how I have been eating the the weight that I have gained.  I don’t like this as it is exactly the stinking thinking that I don’t want to be doing.  I don’t like.

On another note, I have been going through an intensive audit for three weeks now.  This audit is the intense scrutiny of every tiny little aspect of my job and my responsibilities there.  For 8 hours a day I am questioned, I am quizzed, I am doubted.  During the audit, I must provide scientific justification for every decision I make regarding my job.  My job is important, my job is essential, but so much of what these audit put you through is based on everything except common sense.  It is all based on the auditor covering their ass and I am trying to do the same thing while they audit me.  I argue with the auditor regarding my decisions.  Anyway, no matter what those suckers throw at me, I have the answer for them.  I have what they want.  In fact, even though the stress level is high, I am conquering.  I think today was the last day and I came out on top.  I won the battle.  Luckily, I had a nice auditor.  🙂

It is time to go to bed.  I get depressed if I don’t get at least 6 hours of sleep.  So thanks for listening.  Thanks for commenting.  Thanks for caring.  You guys are great.  Each comment I read is an uplifting event that helps me maintain.

03
Sep
09

It can happen! Take a step back and reassess.

reality-check-ahead-signIt can happen to anyone!  Falling into old habits even after losing and keeping 130 lbs off.  In fact, it is pretty easy to fall back into the old ways.  Why is this??  Well, the old ways are the old ways for a reason and they are old because I did them for so long.  Truth be told, the old ways work for what they are used for.  Oh yeah, you heard me.  THere is no denying that eating junk food makes me feel better at the moment I want to feel better.  There is no denying that it tastes wonderful like a party in my mouth.  I just want to shed the false belief that using food for comfort and security does not work.  It does work and if it did not work we would never use food to comfort ourselves.  However, there is a downside as there always is for self-medicating with potentially harmful stuff whether it be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  It brings guilt and shame and weight gain and bodily harm.

So at the practical and reality based advice of another great blogger on the journey, I took a step back to reassess my situation and take a reality check.  I took a step back to way the costs and rewards of my actions.  As  you know I have been on the wayward side of WW for a bit.  I am still right here at my WW goal weight but things have been getting increasingly unhealthy for me both mentally and physically.  Steve’s words yesterday hit me just how I needed it and brought about a major lifting of the veil over my eyes.  Now that he helped me see much more clearly, I am taking my reality check here on the blog.

What is my unhealthy eating doing for me?

Well, like I said, it is making me feel better about whatever I am feeling bad about for the moment.  This is true.  It is also making me feel worse in the long run and causing a great crop of negative thinking to sprout up.  Waying this cost is hard for me because I like the immediate benifit of feeling better and don’t particularly like the delayed gratification that denying myself the junk brings.  BUT, after long thought focused on Steve’s comment, the delayed gratification FAR OUT WEIGHS any other possible benifit that junk food can give.  So for today I feel strong and healthy and resolved with new passion for my health goals.

How is my fear of failure molding my situation?

I am scared to gain it all back.  Unfortunately, the way my little mind works is that when I fear failure I tend not to try as to make sure I don’t fail.  Now taking a step back on this one shows that this is crazy because it is self-fulfilling.  I am scared to fail so I fail on purpose and do the exact thing I am afraid of. HAHAHAHA  No more of this.  The reality in this is that I can’t fail if I just continue to do what I know how to do as far as healthy living goes.  It is a no-brainer really.  I know what to do and that is to keep my eyes on the prize, don’t let go of it, and then make nice little decisions throughout everyday to ensure a victory.  This is not easy at all because the fear is still there but the fear is not as powerful as the full life that can be lived in health.  Self-sabotage many call it.

My addictive side?????

My addictive side grabs hold of that which makes me feel better.  This side of me will barely let go of the medicine.  So when I eat two candy bars with wonderful peanut butter and sugar inside, I feel better for the moment, then my addictive side says, “Oh hell yeah that felt good.  What is wrong with wonderfulness.  Lets keep doing this.”  Contrary to much popular advice that I recieve here and away, small dabbles in such wonderfulness are not a livable scenario for me.  I am often told it is MORE of a lifestyle when I allow this stuff into my life as it is less rigid but I just can’t live that way.  I know myself and taking this reality check helps me to realize that abstinence is the best way to go for several foods in this world.

Negative thinking?

I can get seriously deep into some negative thinking about myself and my journey.  So negative in fact that I can completely forget a good thing that I just accomplished.  This is crazy but it is a reality so why should I deny myself the knowledge of the truth or the opportunity to talk about it.  I can pick out one negative thing out of a sea of positive.  It can be a beautiful day out but I will see a cloud the size of a man’s hand 100 miles away.  HAHAHAHA  I am going to work on this.  WW is not really that hard and it is certainly not impossible.  What is hard is staying on track while I am off track.  The contrary actions.  The lying to myself that I am doing it when I am not doing it.  What the hell!  If I am not doing it I am just going to say to myself I am not doing it and then get back on track.

19
Aug
09

Inspiration and hardship!

matisyahuI guess I don’t really need to say AGAIN that I have been having a seriously hard time with food but I will.  My exercise is just fine with the exception that I don’t do any cross-training.  But as far as getting a good calorie burn for the week I am doing well.    It appears that my relationship with food has actually gotten worse as time goes on.   I try really hard but then end up falling for the pepperoni, chips, not counting dinner, etc.  With the amount of running I do (which really is not a lot by marathoner standards) I will not return to my previous weight but I can be/get at a weight that is not at all comfortable.  I guess it is a Romans 7 thing for food and weight loss.  I want so bad to do good but I keep doing what I don’t want to do and can’t seem to do what I really want to do.  Thank you RINGMASTER for helping me in this respect.   I know you don’t know that you helped me but you did.  A LOT.

I feel like I am swimming against the current in a vicious ocean yet when I look around I am just in a wave pool at some water park.  The current isn’t horrible or impossible but my strength wanes.  When I tire or my emotional strength fades, I grab the first life raft (food) possible.  It may appear that I am depressed or despondent. Yet the truth is that I have a great deal of inspiration to forge on, press on to more health, take another step in the right direction.  I have the inspiration to forget about the 50 steps that I might take backwards and the wisdom to take my first step forward.  It is a race for life with a loving God as my primary strength.  I have forgotten this completely.  And I mean completely but I thank Him for the special people who have reminded me of the depth, breadth, and relevance of the REAL race and the REAL strength.

So last night I ate like crap.  Bacon and macaroni and cheese.  That is gone now.  My shirt doesn’t fit like I want it too.  That is leaving now.  My belt doesn’t latch at the previous and glorious indention.  This will change.  I can no longer see the tiny bit of abs that I could see before.  Nevertheless I have hope.  I believe in that which is not yet seen .  I will not give up.  I will never despair.  I can change once again both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  He has not given up and neither will I.

So much to be thankful for.  So much to remember.  So much ground that has been gained.  Miracles that have happened to me and my body.  It is all real and today I chose to remember.  Below are some very potent and special lyrics.   Read them and ponder them.  They actually mean something.  If you can guess the author that would be cool too.  I put a picture of him at the top. HAHAHAHA  That is not me up there.

Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God that I’m breathing. Then I pray dont’ take me soon ’cause I am hear for a reason.  Sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds; I know someday it’ll all turn around.

It’s not about win or lose because we all lose when they feed on the souls of the innocent. Blood drenched pavement.  Keep on movin’ though the waters stay ragin’.  In this maze you can lose your way it might drive you crazy but don’t let it faze you no way.  Sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds; I know someday it’ll all turn around.

15
Aug
09

Perspectives! Life changing!

different_perspectives_465635On my way to work this morning one of my favorite Christian songs from Kutless came on my Ipod.  I wanted to share some of the lyrics with all of you because I have always felt that these lyrics were so powerful.  Then I will talk about how they relate to life for my and my weight loss journey.

  • You feel like your life’s crashing down all around you.  Let me ask if it’s really so bad?  Look at the world and it’s suffering, can you honestly tell me that no one else can understand all of the hurting inside.
  • Why can’t you see, that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away. Who could you be.  If your lense was changed for a moment would you still be the same.
  • Yestertday you really couldn’t see, by changing your angle a new world will be.  Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees.

As I said at the top of this post, these lyrics are very powerful to me.  They are not ony relevant for my weight loss journey but for life in general.  In fact, it seems that “your perspective” is really all that matters some times.  Many times I get really down and blue.  During these times I focus on the negatives and fail to even basically believe that any of the positives exist at all.  This crushes me for the short period that I am like this.  This perspective causes bad food choices, binges, junk food love, sneak eating, negative talk about my body, self-perpectuating cycles of eat/guilt/eat/guilt.

I am in this negative perspective paradigm right now.  But what is the true perspective?  For all of us, when we feel so down about the journey; WHAT IS THE TRUE PERSPECTIVE?  HOW DO WE CHANGE OUR PERSPECTIVE?  I think that changing perspectives is a choice albeit a very difficult one.  I also think that the more time that you spend in one the harder it is to change to the other.  Take my body image for example.  I looked at a larger and more obese body for sooooo many years that even though that image is from the past now, it is like a took a still photo of it and I still see it in my persepctive in the mirror at times.  It is not the true perspective though and I am slowly (very slowly) coming  to terms with the real picture now.

I want to share my present view point and then share the “actual” one.

PRESENT PERSPECTIVE

  • I can’t lose the few pounds that I have gained
  • I am getting bigger by the day
  • Everything is sooo hard
  • I am a failure so I should just give in to all temptations
  • I am not feeling appreciated
  • Food helps me feel better
  • Eating healthy is boring
  • My job sucks

POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE

  • I am very good at losing weight and I have proved that
  • I have gained some weight but I am still under WW goal weight
  • All things are possible through Him who strengthens me
  • I fail sometimes but I am not a failure.  I am blessed and healthy
  • Even though I may feel unloved, many people and especially God love me.
  • Eating healthy makes me feel more healthy
  • Eating healthy is a great way to spice things up.  Anyone can eat unhealthy junk
  • My job is a dream job for many people out there and having a job in general is a blessing.
  • I am not a fat blob!

It is so hard for me to look at the positive sometimes especially when I am feeling low and don’t want to put the effort into climbing out of the black hole.  But the good is ALWAYS there, it is ALWAYS real, it is ALWAYS there for the taking if I can just remember it.  If I can just be thankful and grateful for what I have and for what has happened along this journey.

I am not doing well on weight watchers.  Nobody turned on the “difficult” switch when I wasn’t looking.  The program is the same. I am still an endurance athlete and “fit as a fiddle” (as Robfitness says).  I will ask for God’s help to change my view of what is going on.  Change my view on how strong I am with Him.  To change my view on what is still and always has been possible.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!  ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE?

11
Aug
09

Marathon #18 and more golf

tetherow7I had a good but slightly lonely marathon weekend.  I went to bend/sunriver, Oregon on Friday night so that I would be able to pick up my race packet on Saturday morning.  I went to bed as soon as I got there because I had to get up at 4 a.m. to do a 10 miler before I went golfing at a really special golf course in Bend.  My 10 miler went very smoothly with no hiccups.

Saturday I played two rounds of golf so I got in a lot of activity even after my 10 mile easy run.  I didn’t play well but I had a good time.  I got done golfing around 8 p.m. and again went to bed right away so that I could get up around 3 a.m. to do 10 miles before the marathon start.

Sunday came in a hurry as I struggled to get out of my warm bed.  I was able to fit in 8 miles and finished this run about 5 minute before the marathon start.  At 7 a.m. the race started and all 112 marathoners took off up the 14 mile hill.  At first the hill was not very bad at all and I was able to run most of it with no problem.  I did a 4:1 run/walk ratio for the entire marathon except from miles 11-14 where the hill was just to steep and I walked.  Once we got to the top is was smooth and fun sailing down to about mile 20 (my mile 28) where the course flattened out.  Over-all the marathon was not really hard and it was enjoyable too.  I finished in 4:50.  This pace has allowed me to have post-race days without much soreness at all.  That has been VERY nice.

It was a good weekend and although I played golf and ran with many great people, I was really lonely without my wife.  I love her so much and she is my best friend.  I don’t like going to bed at night without her.  I don’t like not being able to see her in the evenings.  The good things is that she was able to have fun with her visiting family while I was gone.  I was happy for her in this respect.  She loves her family and that is a great thing.

Bye bye now!

tetherow3

tetherow1

04
Aug
09

A new Secret Eating Secret confession just got let out of the closet.

All to common for me!  Yup, that is right.  Secret eating is a common one so this secret confessor is certainly not alone on this one.  Check out the new secret #77  here.  You may just find some comfort in the fact that you are not the only one.