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This is the LIBERATION PAGE. To liberate means to set free from bondage and restraint. We all have our secrets regarding the weight loss journey. Secret eating, lying to ourselves about food and exercise, binges that we don’t tell people about, or that drive through that is out of town aways. Revealing these secrets can liberate us and get us walking in the truth about our journey. It will also help others to know the truth about the struggle and allow them to KNOW that they are not the only ones thinking and acting crazy sometimes. So whether you did it years ago or just last night, send the secret in.
You can leave a comment and I will delete all info. from it except the “secret” when it goes to moderation. I will put your little secret into this page without your name or any information other than your secret. Only the secret will show up. If you don’t want to be anonymous, make a note that you don’t in your comment like this, “Jason, I don’t care if the posters know who I am on this one”
IMPORTANT: IF YOU WANT TO BE MORE SECRET/ANONYMOUS DO THE FOLLOWING. I have worked this out and tried it, it does work:
- wordpress people: Log out right above where you leave the comment. Then, put Secret in the name box, firstname.lastname@example.org in the email box, and leave the website box empty. This will make it so that I won’t even no who you are.
- Other people: The same as above except you don’t have to log out.
This is going to be really fun and useful. Getting stuff out and into the light will bring healing and progress. So let it all out and send the secret in. Nobody will know who sent the secret in, but they will be able to benefit from the confession. Of course, I am part of this too, so I am going to start with two of my secret confessions. Keep in mind that your secret will look like the secrets and comments below. Notice there is no identifying information:
78 🙂 8/8/2009- I just found out last night that my husband cross-dresses. I had suspicions at one point and asked but he explained it away and told me he had worked with his counselor. We were planning on starting to adopt soon and now I’m glad we haven’t yet. He got caught red handed and won’t give me any explanations. I don’t know where to go with this because I feel so alone. I’m running the whole gamut of emotions just like if the husband I knew has died. I am at a loss. This is nothing like what we believe or at least I believe and I don’t know where to go from here.
77 🙂 8/4/2009- I secret eat, especially when I’m stressed. I keep stashes of food around the house and don’t tell my husband. I eat extra snacks when I only give him one. I buy a snack at the store and eat it before I get home so he’ll never know. I keep control of the money so he doesn’t question purchases. I don’t do it normally but when I’m stressed I do it a lot. Today I was stressed about something from work and bought a cookie when we went out for coffee and finished it before I brought him his coffee. I don’t like doing this but I seem to do it without thinking. I’m afraid that I will get out of control and gain back all the weight. The stupid thing is that I usually count the points for what I eat, I just don’t tell anyone else.
76 🙂 8/4/2009- I posted a long time ago. I was secret person #59. I was struggling with wanting to meet with someone I had reconnected with through facebook and now wanted to meet. I told you all I took him off my friend list, well, I had, but we got back in touch and I met with him this past Friday night. I let my husband know, when we were meeting, where we were meeting. My husband was fine with it. I want you to know that I had a great time with him, we caught up on old times, and nothing happened. I think I was at a different place in my life when I first wrote about it. I was worried the first time that something might happen, but it didn’t and I won’t let it. I probably shouldn’t be talking to him. I probably shouldn’t have met with him, but I did and you know what I liked it. We are still talking on facebook and will continue to do so. There are things that I probably get from him that I should be getting from my husband, but I decided I like it. If it’s just online and just in person from time to time in a public place what is the problem? I’m not cheating. Isn’t it ok to have guy friends? Let me know what you guys think. I’ve actually been talking to my husband more about what I need from him and things are going better in that department.
75 🙂 8/3/2009- I’ve been unemployed for over a year. I just go through the motions of finding a job but I make sure not to get hired. I just don’t feel like I can go back out there. I’m just too tired, and too heavy. I go to bed at 6am or so and sleep until 2. My girlfriend puts up with it but she won’t forever. I feel like the bright, charming, amitious guy inside me died somehow. What happened to all that “potential” everyone talked about when I was kid? All I see is a lazy fat dude playing Xbox.
74 🙂 7/29/2009- Well, I did it again. Except this time, I went off and got drunk off my butt, by myself. The food the night before obviously didn’t work to quiet the din of feelings and emotions raging through me and I just couldn’t think. So I thought alcohol would help. Unfortunately and I suppose fortunately , it didn’t help. All it did was cause no small amount of serious concern from my friends, who then staged and intervention and one of them came over to stay with me, despite my protests. The other stayed on teh phone till she got there and had convinced me to open the door. And now, to ease their further concern, I am staying the night over there…even though I have no intention of doing this again. This is ridiculous. ALl I did was disrupt other peoples lives, the very thing I was trying to avoid by not pulling them into the mess in the first place. I hate that I did that. I hate that I went that far. I hate that my friends are now seriously concerned and actually frightened for me. I hate that my only choice left is to submit and trust because I promised them I would not do the next level of self-medication and take any drugs or find some guy.
73 🙂 7/28/2009- I am sucking air today. The last 3 days have been rough emotionally. I am feeling very sad over a variety of things…and am beginning to suspect PMS for the extremeness of it all. But mostly, I am just tired of fighting the fight. Tonight, I stopped and got 2 donuts…would have been 3 except they didn’t have the other kind I wanted…then stopped at McDOnalds and picked up a couple McChicken sandwiches…did the drive by, multiple food place thing tonight…and the disappointment in myself is far worse than the other stuff. Now, not only am I sad about the other things going on, but I despise myself as well. I am so ashamed I can’t bring myself to blog about it or to tell my people yet either. Why do I do this to myself?
72 🙂 4/7/2009- I gained this week. I feel like I am stalling out. This should have been a celebration week. I should have reached my 50 LB milestone. BUt once again, I feel like I am sabotaging myself and I cannot figure out why. None of my self talk is working….and the voices of those around me SCREAMING their encouragemnt and love is getting fainter…which is a sign I am disconnecting again…How do you fight out of this black hole! I want this time to be different, but I dont know how to make it so…
71 🙂 3/14/2009-Even though I found your most recent post very enlightening, informative and insightful there just comes a time when enough is enough and a person just can’t take in anymore. That’s were I am today. I have been working my butt off all week and for what, to gain 7.5 pounds. What’s with that. Oh you say you’re eating wasn’t on track, well it was and I thought the week was going well. It just shows you that hard work, doesn’t pay off so why continue fighting something that you can’t win at. I’m tired of it all, I really am exhausted both physically and mentally that I can’t deal with it anymore and for me the only correct decision is to throw in the towel. Will this make me happy, to be truthful YES! no more worrying about this or that, no more trying to set standards that can’t be met, no more hassles with having to go to the gym. Sounds like paradise to me.
Reader support for Secret Poster #71- #71 Please don’t give up. I was just where you were and still am thinking about a lot of it. I had a horrible day with my coach, I only lost .4 pounds at Weight Watchers today after a week of working hard. I know what everyone says, “At least you lost. Blah, blah, blah.” I want you to know that this is just a bad week. It is what it is, it’s in your past. I don’t know how old you are, if you have kids or what, but what I want to share with you is that my mom died at age 53 from being obese. I was only 23. That is the worst thing that I could have ever gone through. Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel I picture her dead, those last images I have of her after a horrible disease ran through her body and all she was was skin and bones and then it makes me remember why I am doing this. I do not want to die young and I do not want my family to go through what I went through. Please don’t throw in the towel yet. Please email me if you want I was right where you were on Thursday night. I sent Jason an email a lot like your secret post. I want to be here for you. I”m still at a tough spot. Go to my blog. Read my post from Thursday. I wrote it right as I was ready to give up. You’ll see my post from today. It says I lost .4 pounds. Yay!! That Yay was forced because I actually hate that I only lost .4, but I’m trying to get into a more positive mind set, but I’m ticked and honestly thought about quitting today, but a friend from Weight Watchers helped me and so did Jason. I hope that you have a support system. you cannot do it alone.
I have one question. There was a week that I gained almost 10 pounds at a Weight Watchers weigh in. I realized it was because I had gone on a medicine for my back. Do you have any change in your medications or have you gone on some new medications recently? That was just a thought to explain such a weight loss.
Please hang in there and I’m here for you. Melissa
This is more support for #71 secret confession
I have lost 83 pounds. I still have 95 to go. It has taken me almost 5 years to lose that first 83 pounds, because in the past I have given up repeatedly. I spent 3 of those years losing and regaining the same 30 pounds. This has taken a great toll on my body, my heart, even the elasticity of my skin. I have been on track for 6 months now. And still, every single day, it is a one day at a time journey. I make it through because of people like Jason.
I know you are discouraged. I know you want to scream and cry and cuss. So do that. Break something. Beat a punching bag. Run a mile until you break down into sobs. But please, I beg you, don’t quit. You’ll find yourself 6 months further down the road, summoning the resolve to start over. And by then it won’t be 7.5 pounds, it will be 27.5. Or more.
That 7.5 pounds is a number. It could be water, or muscle, or any number of things. YOU are not a number. You are worth every ounce of this fight.
70 🙂 3/13/2009- I bought myself a box of Girl Scout cookies, telling myself that I’d freeze most of them and only let myself have them on a once a month basis. Well I fell off the band wagon and ate the whole box three weeks later! I felt awful, guilty, and had the worst stomach ache!
69 🙂 3/9/2009- I’m feeling like giving up on the whole weight loss thing today. I feel fat and I feel down and don’t know why. I promised myself I would not get fast food today,but I did. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m tired of trying.
68 🙂 2/28/2009- I have a partner that I do weight watchers with. She tells me what she wants when I am going to subway so that I can pick her up something while I am there. I lie to her about what I got her and how many points is in it. I put a lot of mayo, olives, cheese, and oil on it. I secretly don’t want her to do good.
67 🙂 2/21/209- I at McDonald’s today and hid the garbage so no one would know. UGH!! I even had apples in my car. It’s the same thing that happened with the Hershey’s kiss incident. I had something healthy in the car, but still chose the crap. I need this to stop. It’s driving me nuts. Thanks for letting me get this out.
66 🙂 2/17/2009- This secret seems so silly compared to all the major ones on here, but I received one of those big solid Hershey Kisses on Valentine’s Day. I had all the intentions of giving it away. Had a great workout at the gym. Was starving on the way home and almost ate the whole thing. My stomach hurts now. I threw the rest away as soon as I was home in the outside garbage. Very frustrated at myself, but it’s done and I must move on. I”m going to make myself some veggies and hope I don’t throw up.
65 🙂 2/17/2009- I’ve been single and celibate for over 8 years. For much of that time I was 100 lbs overweight and deeply believed that once I lost the weight I’d be desirable again. I’m a bit of a control freak, but am reasonably bright, funny, attractive, and interesting otherwise. So, I lost 105 lbs. only to be completely ignored on all of the online dating sites I tried. A friend, who I’ve had this “thing” for (for years) came to my home for a visit and suddenly hit on me, which ended up with the two of us in bed. Afterwards she went to the guest room like nothing ever happened and made some comments the next day to the tune of “whoa! if I had known it would be that good, I would have done that years ago.” I was in complete and total shock. After she left she didn’t spoke of it again…This friend and I have discussed my attraction/feelings for YEARS, but obviously didn’t think it would cause me any distress?! So, what did I do? Started eating. I felt the most awful overwhelming sadness that the reason that no one wants me is WORSE THAN not wanting to be with a giant fat lady…They didn’t/don’t want ME. I started re-gaining the weight that month and have suceeded in packing on 45 lbs over the past year and a half…Honestly, I’m not sure I can “take” the concept that I’m unlovable.
64 🙂 2/15/2009- Warning: Adult material ahead…
I am a female who had an addiction to porn. I mention female because in my mind most porn addicts are males (no disrespect to you guys). It started out with just watching it with my husband for kicks and then turned into a full-blown addiction for me. I had a bag of “goodies” that I would stash in the closet – DVDs and sex toys – I had quite the collection. It went so far as having to leave work to come home to release the pressure. I even rented a hotel room all to myself because I couldn’t get enough of it. When that wasn’t enough, I convinced myself that I was a lesbian from watching all the girl-on-girl action. I placed an ad, screened some hopefuls and met one of the ladies in person. I also tried to get my husband to participate in a threesome. He wasn’t having it. All along I was communicating most of this to my husband, who told me repeatedly he was sure it was another one of my “phases” and that I would snap out of it. Turns out, he was so right because I eventually wised up before I caused permanent damage in my marriage and my life.
The reason I bring it up now is because it’s been well over 3 years that I’ve been able to let this side of me go, that is until today. I took a bubble bath for the first time since then because that is one place I would go to release the addiction and all those feelings came back again. I didn’t act on the feelings, but now my mind is flooded with images. I realize it is just a self-medication technique, which I replaced with food for a while. Now that I am stressed with some things in my life, I need something again and it’s not going to be food.
63 🙂 2/13/2009- My life sucks right now and all I want to do is eat, but I’m not, but a lot of crap is running through my head and I don’t know what to do with it all. I have gotten bad news 5 days out of the last 6. I cannot take anymore. I’m heading to the gym to try and work it out, but I’m depressed. I have no secret to share just frustration, anger, sadness, and worry. I cannot control some things that are about to be put on my plate, but they will affect my life deeply and that sucks. I do not want to have to deal with these issues, but they are going to have to be dealt with.
62 🙂 2/12/2009- I got the victory, but still having a hard time. Keep the prayers coming. I’m sad this evening. I’m off to personal training. Maybe I can work through this at the gym.
61 🙂 2/11/2009- Hey Secret Poster #59 here. Thanks so far for the support. Jason I don’t know what I would do without this website. This idea was genius. I would just have let this eat away at me and now I am able to talk about it openly and not get judged. People in my circle are quick to judge especially when it comes to matters like this. I appreciate you all. For those of you who have responded and have dealt with this, was it hard to walk away? I know I need to walk away. It’s just going to be hard. Luckily, we’ve only been chatting online. We knew each other years ago, reunited through FACEBOOK (don’t join if you haven’t. It’s a time sucker and a temptation), and just started talking about going out. It’s going to be hard. Keep the love and support coming. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet.
60 🙂 2/11/2009-I don’t have problems with my weight except when I am pregnant. Each time I have packed on 60 pounds (I have 5 children). I normally loose it within a year or so. But I have this fear of food. And surprisingly it started in my teens, before ever having kids. I also cant see myself as ok because I still have parts of me that I think are fat even though I am in the normal weight range. I think about food constantly. I fight with wanting to eat and being too afraid that I will get fatter. I hate feeling like I am out of control but I am sometimes with food. Especially sugar. I am a sugar addict. I can’t stop thinking about it until I eat it all! And I tell myself that I might as well just eat the whole thing and get it over with. :O I might eat half a bag of chocolate chips! But I can keep my weight about the same. Not because I eat correctly, though. I might binge on something then skip meals or eat really well for a day or so to make up for it. I also run. Anyways thank you for this site. It is really encouraging!
59 🙂 2/11/2009- I’m talking to someone that is not my spouse and thinking of getting together with them for dinner. Some of the talk is not appropriate since I am married, but this person says what I need to hear from my spouse that I am not hearing right now, so I have been enjoying it. I know I should not get together with them, but it is tempting. I wish I was just being tempted by food and not this situation. I will be talking to my spouse soon about some issues that need to be addressed, so hopefully it can be worked out.
Special reader support for poster #59-
I understand real well what you are going through. I did the same thing, even though I was not married. What i did was even worse. You see I am a man and got attention from other guys that I wasn’t getting from the opposite sex. I was overweight at the time and had some really bad self esteem issues and once I started getting the attention that I was looking for it didn’t matter who it was from. I did what I did out of grattification that I needed at that time. I won’t go into detail on what i did, but it wasn’t good, at least by many peoples standards and if Jason doesn’t post this I don’t blame him. What I did was not really moral. What it boils down to is that with any desires whether food, drinking or having desires of the flesh. What’s important is that you remove yourself from the situation that allowed you to get into this. You have to find the strength inside to overcome all desires. Talking about your feelings with your spouse is a good start. Relay your feelings to him and talk things out before it is to late. Plus know that we are here for support and guidance but it’s you that needs to do what is best for you.
More special support for poster #59
I just wanted to let everyone know that I just told the other person we cannot talk anymore. They understood and respected me, and my wishes. For those of you that pray, please pray for me. I’m crying and didn’t realize just how hard this would be, but I know it is the right thing. I think that part of it being hard is that fact that you have to face that there is something wrong in your marriage. That’s the hardest part of all. This has been a long stressful day for me and I must tell you all I wanted to do was eat. I chewed on a big wad of gum all day and wanted to pig out at McDonald’s, but didn’t. I ended up at SUBWAY getting a foot long, only eating 6 inches and putting the other half away for work tomorrow, so in the midst of all this pain I still made healthy decisions. At least there’s a silver lining somewhere in all this. Anyway, good night. Thanks again for all the love and support. It really got me through this MAJOR temptation in my life.
Things always get worse before tehy get better. As you walk this journey, no matter how hard and difficult it gets, you can be confident that as you do the right thing continuously it will get better. It jsut may not look like what you want it to look like at first, and it may take more than a couple conversations.
Special Reader support for # 59,
I have been talking to a friend tonight who has talked to his wife 5 times in teh last 4 months. It has been incredibly painful and reconciliation and restoration has not looked like he hoped it would. It has not been quick or easy. It has been a long hard process as they work through their pain and hurts. It has been painful to watch. Yet hopeful, as I watch this man do the next right thing that will demonstrate his love for his wife, regardless of her response and regardless of his feelings in teh moment. Tonight he got a glimmer of hope when she called him to tell him “I love you” and to tell him what was going on for her.
Press on my friend. The journey is long and hard. Owning your part in where your marriage is at (which it sounds like you have done) is the best you can do.
THE FINAL VICTORY FOR #59 here. I must admit I have talked to the other person a few times since saying I had victory, but today I took the person off my facebook friendship list for good. Now I have real victory over it and today I feel very good about it not sad. I had a breakthrough about it at the gym this evening. Thanks.
57 🙂 2/10/2009- I am afraid to lose weight, because of my “behavior”. In the past when I have been thin, I havent made very good choices in regards to relationships. I am married and a Christian…so this presents a real problem. Today, I am claiming victory over this pattern in my life ~ knowing that I can be fit/healthy and healthy in my relationships too.
56 🙂 2/9/2009- I create sabotaging situations to justify the days that I don’t feel like “being a Weight Watcher.” I wanted to go to Denny’s yesterday and eat a humongous slam breakfast, so I intentionally put myself in an emotional wounding situation, where I knew I would get very hurt, and be able to justify eating a 38 point breakfast, all to myself. And I did it. I don’t need any enemies because I have my biggest enemy right here within me at all times!
55 🙂 2/6/2009- Sometimes I think I’m afraid of succeeding. I’m afraid of the unknown. Or maybe I’m afraid of the known. I haven’t always been heavy, but I have been heavy for the past 15 year. I know what to expect as a fat person. I know how to react to people. What will my life be like if I’m fit and trim? Will my old strategies still help me navigate through life? Will I know what to expect? Will I know how to react?
I think this is on some level tied to the fact that there is a part of me that thinks I don’t deserve it. I have so many good things in my life, but the fat is the one thing standing in between me and the one or two things I really want in my life–or is it? Maybe I’m scared to succeed because then I will know that the reason I don’t have a husband or a family has nothing to do with my fat being unattractive, but that I as a person–the core of who I am whether fat or thin–is unattractive and unworthy of love.
Special Reader Support for Secret Person 55:
53 🙂 2/4/2009- I wonder if it is possible to do this. Can it really lose the weight? Can I really keep it off? Can I really get and stay healthy for the rest of my life? I am tired of these thoughts and fears. I want it to be easy. I want it to be like it is for those people who can eat what they want and never get fat. I don’t want to work this hard. I just don’t know if I will succeed.
52 🙂 2/3/2009- I chew and spit out my food, and I thought that I could stop eventually but it’s become an emotional crutch of sorts and I tried stopping last week and lasted 3 days.. and kept thinking about doing it. I really want to stop because it’s just stupid, and wasteful and makes me feel so weak.
51 🙂 2/3/2009- You know what.. I just don’t care anymore. Sick and tired of it all.This so called journey is journey to hell if you ask me! Well not worth it. What’s the purpose? I think I have decided to just be who I am and accept me for what I am. If others don’t like it, well you know what they can do….
50 🙂 2/2/2009- My trainer who has been an instrumental part of my weight loss journey and how has inspired me , had faith in me and who has become my mentor and good friend, is moving to another state and will no longer be my trainer. We have built this bond and now it just won’t be the same without him there encouraging and motivating me. I don’t think I can do this without him. It’s like losing a member of the family. He has done so much for me and now as I am fit to accomplish my goals he won’t be there to celebrate my new victories. I just can’t stop crying.. I want to just eat the pain away!!!
Special Reader Support for Secret Poster #50
I wanted to say to secret #50/comment#88 that I too ‘lost’ my trainer and I was crushed. Isaac and I had formed an emotional bond, and I truly felt that he cared about me. After a few days, Suzana approached me and said she wanted to be my trainer. I refused. But she kept after me. What I finally realized is that while I had imagined reaching my goals with Isaac, but I had to push on because I wasn’t doing this for him. I went to that first appointment with Suzana, and confessed that I wasn’t happy about losing him, and that I might have a ‘tude’ for a while. She was very understanding. The point of all this rambling, is that Suzana was actually the best thing for me. I didn’t need a buddy. I needed a butt kicker. I have lost 3 times more weight with her than I did with Isaac, in half the time. I know it’s hard, but give a new trainer a chance. As hard as it is to imagine, you may find someone that you love even more. Hugs.
49 🙂 2/2/2009- I want to eat an entire key lime pie right now. With my hands.
48 🙂 2/2/2009- I’m scared that if I really do lose weight this time, that my stomach will sag so much I’ll wish I was still fat. My stretch marks from pregnancy are horrible and the fat helps keep that skin somewhat filled in. I think I’m sabotaging myself because of it.
47 🙂 2/2/2009- When my husband is in bed at night, I get up and eat ALOT of snacks and sit at the computer. I also lie about going to work out and then I go out to eat instead.
46 🙂 2/2/2009- When Iam eating at home sometimes, I hurry and hide the food if I hear anyone coming. That way they don’t know that I have eaten anything.
45 🙂 2/2/2009- I used to give myself away to guys because i thought that they would like me for it. I was scared because I looked to fat. I also used to never want to eat in front of people because it embarrased me.
44 🙂 2/1/2009- Note by Jason- This is a testimony of victory that just getting things out in the open helps!! Great job Secret Person
I just wanted to thank you for responding to my post (#38). I’ve thought a lot about your comments this week. We get so caught up in the scale as the only proof of success that the thought of it NOT showing us what we want to see is terrifying. The thought that I would do something so drastic just to feel better is scary. I went to my weigh in this morning and gained 1.2 lbs. I knew that would happen. How could it not? Even if I did lose some on my own this week, my loss from last week (5.2lbs!) was not because I truly lost it, but because I forced it.
When I saw my 1.2 this week I actually felt relieved! It proved to me that what I did didn’t help. That it came back to bite me and that the only way to truly see success on this program and in weight loss in general is to take everything for what it is … every loss, every gain, every success, and every failure. My gain today set me straight and I’m more motivated than ever to keep going … in a healthy way.
43 🙂 1/31/2009- I am feeling tired. I always want to eat junk or just stopp watching what I eat when I am tired. It takes to much energy to eat right. i want to go to the drive through and not think about making the good decisions.
42 🙂 1/29/2009-
I use everything as an excuse to rationalize my failures.
I have a demanding job (who doesn’t?!?)
I have stress (who doesn’t?!?)
I’m tired (who isn’t?!?)
I will use any excuse in the book to justify not doing right by myself so that, when I don’t do right by myself, I can excuse it.
(circular logic — I hope it makes sense)
41 🙂 1/29/2009- I decided to apply for The BIggest Loser again. I have only done this once before. But this time I have a friend who is a professional film maker/editor who wants to do my audition video for me. He told me last night I need to bring “weigh in” clothes like they wear on teh show to be filmed in. I am terrified of this part. I can do the challenges, resist the temptations, and battle off teh weight. Not scared of Bob or Jillian at all…Bring it on actually….but standing before even a couple friends who love me unconditionally or on national television in a sports bra and spandex is terrifying…makes me wanna go eat something….but I won’t…I swear it!
40 🙂 1/27/2009- In high school, I used to chew massive amounts of food, and then instead of purging, I would just spit them out. I was afraid that if I actually threw up, I would be doing something wrong…but wasting food by chewing and then spitting it out while seated with a trash can didn’t make me feel like there was a problem. When I get desperate, sometimes I still do it.
39 🙂 1/26/2009- This is how I feel inside. I am scared about letting my hurts and thoughts out.
Through the fish eyed lens of tear stained eyes, i can barely define the shape of this moment in time.
And far from flying high in clear blue skies, i’m spiralling down into the hole in the ground where i hide
If you negotiate the minefield in the drive and beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes
and if you make it past the shotgun in the hal; dial the combination. open the priesthole and if i’m in i’ll tell you what’s behind the wall….
And if i show you my dark side, will you still hold me tonight, If i open my heart to you and show you my weak side, what would you do? Would you sell your story to rolling stone or would you take the children away and leave me alone. And then smile in reassurance as you whisper down the phone. Would you send me packing or would you take me home. I thought i oughta bare my naked feelings,thought i oughta tear the curtain down
I want to let more out but it scares me. I scares me to share with people about how I feel fat and insecure
38 🙂 1/26/2009- I threw up before my last weigh in. I was supposed to go out to dinner at this amazing restaurant the night before – had looked at the website and picked out exactly what I was going to get. When we got there they couldn’t seat us so we went to a nearby italian restaurant. I had no time to prepare, so I ate what I usually would – chicken parm. The whole thing. I got home and realized I had WI the next morning and that meal would most definitely affect it. So I threw up.
I was mortified that I would ever think to do that. I never have before and never will again. It made me realize just how weak I am and how much I live by that scale. How much it scares me. I know it will never happen again … I can’t even imagine ever feeling the way I did that night. But I still hate myself for it.
37 🙂 1/26/2009-
Secret POster #31,
Your post just makes me want to cry, because I sooo understand the feeling of anger towards GOd. Not for the same reasons, but angry with GOd nonetheless. If Jason doesn’t mind, I will try to be brief in hopes of encouraging you in some way. This past year has been a long journey as God has continuously invited me in so many significant and small ways and through others to look at my life and my story. Specifically, my sexual abuse story which just happens to be the point in my life when my weight became an issue. While looking at this in a healing class, I was asked to consider that I might be angry. I couldn’t imagine being angry. I mean this happened 27 years ago! THe next day as I was thinking about my story and God’s role in it, my breath was taken away from me as I felt like I faced the worst betrayal of my life. I can only imagine how a husband or wife feels when they find their spouse has been cheating on them. My realization? My GOd, My SAvior, who pursues MY heart so fervently…so strongly desires that none perish, he is also pursuing my abusers heart. Oh secret poster, the angry devastation I felt! I cannot explain in words how strong the emotions were and still are at times. See, my abuser never got punished for his crime, and when I became a Christian, I stuffed this believing that it’s ok, cuz God would get him. But the reality and Truth is that GOd longs for his heart to be redeemed and transformed just as much as he longs for mine to be. Anger? I get that feeling, especially towards God. I write all this just so you know that whatever the source of your anger, I can understand. ANd the amazing thing is…when I got really honest with GOd about the reality of my heart and actually called him some good strong names, God drew closer to me. See God longs for intimacy with us, and what is more intimate than raw, gut wrenching honesty. Your anger cannot push Him away. I tried it. But He also didn’t try to change my feelings either. All this happened just in Novemeber. He and I stil don’t have things worked out. Cuz I keep asking Him to stop pursuing this guy, but He refuses. But it is as though He is saying. Yeah, I get it, I understand your anger, but I cannot change who I am. I am always the same. and THAT is why I can trust Him. Grace and Peace to you Secret POster. May you find courage to be honest before God and may you experience His peace as He draws near to you!
36 🙂 1/26/2009- I sneak in bites of food while I am cooking and I am constantly looking at my husbands reflection in the picture above my stove to be sure he isn’t watching me. Most of the time I track the points that I “sneak” while cooking though. But its crazy that I can’t even wait to sit down for dinner before I start to eat. Also, I have done that thing where I buy food at the grocery store then eat it in the car so no one knows I ate it but God and me. Usually it’s a slice of Italian Cream Cake that is even packaged with a convenient plastic fork for easy access! Sad huh?
35 🙂 1/26/2009- Thanks for your help and support. I really do want to come back but yet I am still afraid of failing again. Plus with all my whining and bad attitude I kind of feel like a hypocrite coming back and talking about healthy eating and exercise. I feel that I have probably lost the respect of other bloggers who have followed me. My thinking is this ” Why would they want to continue listening to what I have to say after all the negative comments and thinking that I have done lately.” What do I have to offer anymore? My goal was to try to help others out on their journey and I feel I have failed in that too.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of how I acted, reacted and how I just about gave up.
On a positive note.. Yesterday, being Sunday, I did eat clean and healthy all day. I did not deviate from my “program” all day. Stuck with it. Still haven’t been back at exercising and I hope to do that on Monday morning.
I am so scared to coming back still! I feel that I haven’t earned that right to be on here yet.
Either way THANKS (Slightly edited for anonymity’s sake)
Special reader support for secret poster #35-
# 35, Here is a thought. You WILL fail. Again and again. Embrace it my friend. Own it! Feel the failure. The question is, will you let one failure defeat you? WIll you really let it take you out of the game? The fact that you are posting your very raw struggles here tells me you are stronger than that. Your story, your struggles matter and is part of what others find so encouraging. Jason running a 50 miler is not what inspires me (sorry Jason) but rather the fact that he struggles daily with what to eat or not eat, that he he struggles to exercise, that he fails and then goes again, is why I come and check out what he is doing. I imagine that is why your blog fans come to yours as well! SO keep fighting through. Get up and go again and again. That is what grace is for!
Jason, I don’t care if the posters know who I am on this one, same thing with my abuse story I shared. I didn’t fight through that battle to hide from it. I now own it fully and am willing to share any part of it, if it will enourage others!
34 🙂 1/26/2009- I want to lose weight overnight…and I know it’s impossible. I feel so depressed and am trying to fight it and not give up on my journey. I’m tired of yo-yo’ing. I want to disappear and lose weight then come back to reality.
33 🙂 1/26/2009- I am finally out of words. I don’t want to start just one last time again/anymore… I’m out of last times. But I can’t live like this either.
Something’s gotta give.
And only I can make that happen.
I feel weary, exhausted, scared, frustrated, terrified, uncertain, confused, drained, and dejected.
I don’t know how I’m going to do this, or if I will succeed. Where I will summon the strength from to even try.
I’ll have my 25th birthday soon. That seems so significant. And here I am.
32 🙂 1/25/2009- It is amazing at how many of these posts I can relate to. I have have only lost weight and been close to my ideal weight once in my life. I try to remember how great it felt. I am so tired of this battle. I just wish I could accomplish this goal and move on with my life. I am tired of this being such a main focus of my life. I feel like food has control over me. Thanks for having this post!
31 🙂 1/25/2009- It’s really hard to explain what I am going thorough, even though I know others experience the same hurts, feelings and failures. for me, some reason it’s different this time. I have a lot of anger inside, not only towards myself but towards others as well. Now please don’t take this wrong, but I have a lot of anger towards God! Forgive me if I am out of line here, but it’s how I feel. If he is so loving and wants what’s best for me then why is he allowing this to happen! If he’s testing me than that’s not funny either. I don’t like to be tested or put into a situation like this. What else am I angery at, the list goes on and I shouldn’t be venting here. Since i am being open I might as well spill it. I am angry at all the people that are good looking, that aren’t facing or have conquered this battle of weight loss. I am angry at the people that think looks are the most important thing that a person has to offer. I do have a heart and sole and why can’t they set aside there opinion of what I look on the outside and really see who I am!
So why not quit and prove them right. That I am a failure and an ugly fat one at that. Man, I’m sorry. Will it get better, that I don’t know.
Thanks for allowing me to express myself.
Special reader support for secret poster #31
Secret poster #31- Your post just makes me want to cry, because I sooo understand the feeling of anger towards GOd. Not for the same reasons, but angry with GOd nonetheless. If Jason doesn’t mind, I will try to be brief in hopes of encouraging you in some way. This past year has been a long journey as God has continuously invited me in so many significant and small ways and through others to look at my life and my story. Specifically, my sexual abuse story which just happens to be the point in my life when my weight became an issue. While looking at this in a healing class, I was asked to consider that I might be angry. I couldn’t imagine being angry. I mean this happened 27 years ago! THe next day as I was thinking about my story and God’s role in it, my breath was taken away from me as I felt like I faced the worst betrayal of my life. I can only imagine how a husband or wife feels when they find their spouse has been cheating on them. My realization? My GOd, My SAvior, who pursues MY heart so fervently…so strongly desires that none perish, he is also pursuing my abusers heart. Oh secret poster, the angry devastation I felt! I cannot explain in words how strong the emotions were and still are at times. See, my abuser never got punished for his crime, and when I became a Christian, I stuffed this believing that it’s ok, cuz God would get him. But the reality and Truth is that GOd longs for his heart to be redeemed and transformed just as much as he longs for mine to be. Anger? I get that feeling, especially towards God. I write all this just so you know that whatever the source of your anger, I can understand. ANd the amazing thing is…when I got really honest with GOd about the reality of my heart and actually called him some good strong names, God drew closer to me. See God longs for intimacy with us, and what is more intimate than raw, gut wrenching honesty. Your anger cannot push Him away. I tried it. But He also didn’t try to change my feelings either. All this happened just in Novemeber. He and I stil don’t have things worked out. Cuz I keep asking Him to stop pursuing this guy, but He refuses. But it is as though He is saying. Yeah, I get it, I understand your anger, but I cannot change who I am. I am always the same. and THAT is why I can trust Him. Grace and Peace to you Secret POster. May you find courage to be honest before God and may you experience His peace as He draws near to you!
30 🙂 1/24/2009- I don’t tell my husband I am upset. I ask him to go and buy me ice cream instead. In one weekend I have eaten 30 creamcicles, a gallon of icecream and an unknown amount of popcicles, not counting Friday. Sometimes it is harder for me to have him accept me and love me as an obese person rather than have him judge me like I judge myself.
29 🙂 1/24/2009- I feel like I am about to get on a downward spiral and let it all go. I don’t want to admit it for fear that I can’t get it back under control, and I will disappoint others. Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it. It takes so much work to keep going.
28 🙂 1/24/2009- I’m throwing in the towel! I am giving up! I don’t deserve to be here! I am just sick of failing and letting myself down. Will I be back, I don’t know. You’ll probably end of deleting this since it’s not a positive aspect of weight loss, but it’s reality, at least mine.People should know that this journey is not an easy one and that sometimes it just doesn’t work out, just like marriages and relationships. It’s all the same.
27 🙂 1/24/2009- I have yet to measure the huge amount of air popped popcorn I make. I try to estimate how many it is (6-10 cups, more?) but I just won’t measure it because I don’t want to know if I’m really consuming 8+ cups or more and have the additional points allocation.
26 🙂 1/23/2009- I think I am going to go eat as much junk food as I can right now because I am tired and exhausted
25 🙂 1/23/2009- I tell everyone how well weight watchers works, but I secretly don’t follow the program very well at all. I NEVER eat all my points, some days I’ll eat all but the last 4 and feel like I’ve failed. Most days I’ll go to bed with 7-13 uneaten points. When weigh-in day comes and I have a good loss, I immediately eat all the foods I’ve been craving all week. Tomorrow morning, I’ll weigh in, register a 2-3 pound loss, then I’m going to Sonic and getting 2 breakfast burritos, then some buffalo wings at lunch. I know it’s coming and I’ll not even attempt to talk myself out of it.
24 🙂 1/23/2009- I decided to visualize and dwell on who I wanted to be … a sexy, active HOT 40 something woman…not an overweight, depressed, sedentary “stuck in the box” person that I had been for – for years. And I used to buy tons of fitness/health magazines – lay them around the house, books, started running & playing tennis, and even chatted and pretended to be “sexy …….” – a blonde active fun loving girl who men desired …silly, but in the end I lost 50lbs! And I got my “sexy back”…on the inside & out! Woot woot.
23 🙂 1/23/2009- when I was younger, my mom would have me get groceries while she waited in the car. I would buy a hostess pack or cookies and walk around the store and eat them. I just had to have them and I didn’t want her to see me eating them. I didn’t know until recently that she knew I did this. She asked me why I did it, and I said becuase i didn’t want you to see me eat them. She said, ‘I didn’t say stuff about your weight to you back then did I.” She did. And I was shocked she realized this. I have some issues due to things my mother has said to me over the last 30 years.
22 🙂 1/22/2009- I go from store to store looking for something to eat that will heal my emotions. It never works though. It is like I am searching out drugs or something.
21 🙂 1/21/2009- The reason why I have gained my weight is because I am in denial, or want to deny who I truly am. I’m afraid of what people might think so I have eaten to hide those feelings. Eating is or was a great way to self medicate myself.
20 🙂 1/21/2009- I have a 6-pack of snickers bars in my glove box. I tell myself that they are there for that desperate day I may hurt someone if I don’t get some chocolate! They are right outside, but it would take putting on warm clothes and boots just to get them. Then I decide they aren’t worth the effort. I remind myself about them when I’m searching the pantry for a snack. It’s a torturous mental game I play with myself to see if I can resist. My spouse thinks I’m nuts! Throw them out or eat them he says!
19 🙂 1/21/2009- I hate my rolls. They disgust me and I feel bad about them
18 🙂 1/21/2009- So it is incredibly mortifying when you go to the gym with the guy you like to take a spin class and your belly is so big that when your leg comes up it hits the belly which pushes the boob up which if not careful, almost hits you in the face, especially if you are putting your head down just trying to breathe. Then to top it off…the room is mirrored all the way around! Thank GOd they turn the lights off…that is the only saving grace to this humiliation. And it is not like I can NOT go with this guy to the gym as he is one of my accountibility people.
17 🙂 1/21/2009- I ate a whole bagof Boulder’s Parmesan Garlic chips yesterday….Thankfully I was able to account for the 800 calories….but still!!!! That is a lot! I don’t even want to write it in my food journal, lest my accountibility crew ask to see it!
16 🙂 1/21/2009- I think this is such a great idea! I dont mind if you put my name on it or not. I am ashamed of my habits up until this point, but I am learning from them! I would eat almost a whole gallon of ice cream in one day and then go replace it before my husband got home, and eat out of it what was gone in the other one, so it looked like I hadn’t had any all day. And then I would have more later that night for dessert.
15 🙂 1/21/2009- I used to eat sprinkles cupcakes in the car so no one would know I was eating them. One time I almost got in a wreck because I was trying to lick frosting off of my hand 😦
14 🙂 1/21/2009-I went through a short period of time, on and off, that I would binge and purge so I would see a loss on the scale and didn’t have to keep my food intake in check. Similar to the other person, gaining my weight back terrifies me, too. However, after doing this like 5x in one week and I had a gain at the scale, I stopped. I hope I don’t ever do it again. It makes me feel weak when I am not in control.
13 🙂 1/21/2009- I’m so frustrated at myself. I ate cookies, Taco Bell, pop tarts, a candy bar, and no fruits or veggies yesterday. I’m frustrated, but here I am, a new day. New choices. Just had to get frustrations out here, so I don’t make the same mistakes again today. Thanks.
12 🙂 1/20/2009- I have become obsessed with running. I will run on an injury and deny the pain. My coaches have told me to take time off nad heal. I won’t do it. I have even lied to my spouse about this, and continue to run. Why? Because I am afraid if I quit running for even a few days, I will return to the blob I once was. That terrifies me.
11 :)- 1/20/2009- Were do I start.. I use to hide when I ate so nobody would see all the food I was eating. I would also eating while driving and I would drive from one fast food restaurant to another. I too would lie to my trainer about what I ate, even though I would lose weight at the weigh in. I just never wanted him to be disappointed in me like I felt about myself. I also feel like I am failing.
10 🙂 1/20/2009- Before, I used to eat a meal at a fast food restaurant, and when my mom asked me I would say I hadnt eaten yet, so then I would eat another dinner at home. It made me feel so guilty, and it became a cycle that I finally have gotten myself out of
9. 🙂 1/20/2009- I’ve lied to my personal trainer more than once. The weight is still coming off so he’s not on to me. I really don’t mean to, but he scares me, and then the lie just slips on out about how much I worked out. My goal is not to lie anymore no matter how hard it might be.
8. 🙂 1/20/2009- There are times when I get something at a fast food restaurant and I won’t tell anyone and then I come home and eat a full dinner with the family.
7. 🙂 1/20/2009- I ate a whole box of ego waffles last night
6. 🙂 1/20/2009- I am terrified of failing. Of falling off the wagon and not being able to get back on. I am becoming obsessed with losing as much weight as possible before I move back home, where all my bad habits were learned, to the point where I am afraid I am falling into disordered thinking and relating to exercise now. I feel crazy these days.
5. 🙂 1/20/2009- I used to eat a lot before I started trying to lose weight. I ate like 5 big macs at a time.
4. 🙂 1/20/2009- Sometimes when I go through the drive through, I act like I am ordering for two people. I don’t feel so embarrassed that way.
3. 🙂 1/20/2009- Here goes: I LOVE eating plain peanut butter, but refuse to do it in front of anyone. So I only eat it if I’m home alone. Oh, and pretty much the only reason I make cookies is so I can eat cookie dough 🙂
2. 🙂 1/20/2009-Sometimes I look around before I eat something in the pantry to see if anyone is looking.
1. 🙂 1/20/2009 -When I know I am going to go off and eat something bad, I go to a special gas station and buy pepperoni, chips, and doughnuts. I eat it all before I get home so nobody knows. 🙂
I would like to give some love and support to Poster #59. That sure is a tempting situation, isn’t it? It’s so nice to feel wanted in such a way. I have been married for going on 16 years and have been in similar situations more than once. Luckily, I chose to walk the other way – towards my husband. However, when I was tempted, it made me face up to whatever the problem was at the time. I was honest with my feelings, letting my spouse know that I had been tempted and we worked out the issue, and I am so glad for it because we now have a rocking marriage! I hope you will also overcome the temptation and work things out. I am sending strength and wisdom your way!