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This is the LIBERATION PAGE.  To liberate means to set free from bondage and restraint.  We all have our secrets regarding the weight loss journey.  Secret eating, lying to ourselves about food and exercise, binges that we don’t tell people about, or that drive through that is out of town aways.  Revealing these secrets can liberate us and get us walking in the truth about our journey.  It will also help others to know the truth about the struggle and allow them to KNOW that they are not the only ones thinking and acting crazy sometimes.  So whether you did it years ago or just last night, send the secret in.

You can leave a comment and I will delete all info. from it except the “secret” when it goes to moderation.  I will put your little secret into this page without your name or any information other than your secret.  Only the secret will show up.   If you don’t want to be anonymous, make a note that you don’t in your comment like this, “Jason, I don’t care if the posters know who I am on this one”

IMPORTANT: IF YOU WANT TO BE MORE SECRET/ANONYMOUS DO THE FOLLOWING.  I have worked this out and tried it, it does work:

  • wordpress people:  Log out right above where you leave the comment.  Then, put Secret in the name box, noname@wordpress.com in the email box, and leave the website box empty.  This will make it so that I won’t even no who you are.
  • Other people:  The same as above except you don’t have to log out.

This is going to be really fun and useful.  Getting stuff out and into the light will bring healing and progress.  So let it all out and send the secret in.  Nobody will know who sent the secret in, but they will be able to benefit from the confession. Of course, I am part of this too, so I am going to start with two of my secret confessions.  Keep in mind that your secret will look like the secrets and comments below.  Notice there is no identifying information:

78 🙂 8/8/2009- I just found out last night that my husband cross-dresses. I had suspicions at one point and asked but he explained it away and told me he had worked with his counselor. We were planning on starting to adopt soon and now I’m glad we haven’t yet. He got caught red handed and won’t give me any explanations. I don’t know where to go with this because I feel so alone. I’m running the whole gamut of emotions just like if the husband I knew has died. I am at a loss. This is nothing like what we believe or at least I believe and I don’t know where to go from here.

77 🙂 8/4/2009- I secret eat, especially when I’m stressed. I keep stashes of food around the house and don’t tell my husband. I eat extra snacks when I only give him one. I buy a snack at the store and eat it before I get home so he’ll never know. I keep control of the money so he doesn’t question purchases. I don’t do it normally but when I’m stressed I do it a lot. Today I was stressed about something from work and bought a cookie when we went out for coffee and finished it before I brought him his coffee. I don’t like doing this but I seem to do it without thinking. I’m afraid that I will get out of control and gain back all the weight. The stupid thing is that I usually count the points for what I eat, I just don’t tell anyone else.

76 🙂 8/4/2009- I posted a long time ago. I was secret person #59. I was struggling with wanting to meet with someone I had reconnected with through facebook and now wanted to meet. I told you all I took him off my friend list, well, I had, but we got back in touch and I met with him this past Friday night. I let my husband know, when we were meeting, where we were meeting. My husband was fine with it. I want you to know that I had a great time with him, we caught up on old times, and nothing happened. I think I was at a different place in my life when I first wrote about it. I was worried the first time that something might happen, but it didn’t and I won’t let it. I probably shouldn’t be talking to him. I probably shouldn’t have met with him, but I did and you know what I liked it. We are still talking on facebook and will continue to do so. There are things that I probably get from him that I should be getting from my husband, but I decided I like it. If it’s just online and just in person from time to time in a public place what is the problem? I’m not cheating. Isn’t it ok to have guy friends? Let me know what you guys think. I’ve actually been talking to my husband more about what I need from him and things are going better in that department.

75 🙂 8/3/2009- I’ve been unemployed for over a year. I just go through the motions of finding a job but I make sure not to get hired. I just don’t feel like I can go back out there. I’m just too tired, and too heavy. I go to bed at 6am or so and sleep until 2. My girlfriend puts up with it but she won’t forever. I feel like the bright, charming, amitious guy inside me died somehow. What happened to all that “potential” everyone talked about when I was kid? All I see is a lazy fat dude playing Xbox.

74 🙂 7/29/2009- Well, I did it again. Except this time, I went off and got drunk off my butt, by myself. The food the night before obviously didn’t work to quiet the din of feelings and emotions raging through me and I just couldn’t think. So I thought alcohol would help. Unfortunately and I suppose fortunately , it didn’t help. All it did was cause no small amount of serious concern from my friends, who then staged and intervention and one of them came over to stay with me, despite my protests. The other stayed on teh phone till she got there and had convinced me to open the door. And now, to ease their further concern, I am staying the night over there…even though I have no intention of doing this again. This is ridiculous. ALl I did was disrupt other peoples lives, the very thing I was trying to avoid by not pulling them into the mess in the first place. I hate that I did that. I hate that I went that far. I hate that my friends are now seriously concerned and actually frightened for me. I hate that my only choice left is to submit and trust because I promised them I would not do the next level of self-medication and take any drugs or find some guy.

73 🙂 7/28/2009- I am sucking air today. The last 3 days have been rough emotionally. I am feeling very sad over a variety of things…and am beginning to suspect PMS for the extremeness of it all. But mostly, I am just tired of fighting the fight. Tonight, I stopped and got 2 donuts…would have been 3 except they didn’t have the other kind I wanted…then stopped at McDOnalds and picked up a couple McChicken sandwiches…did the drive by, multiple food place thing tonight…and the disappointment in myself is far worse than the other stuff. Now, not only am I sad about the other things going on, but I despise myself as well. I am so ashamed I can’t bring myself to blog about it or to tell my people yet either. Why do I do this to myself?

72 🙂 4/7/2009- I gained this week. I feel like I am stalling out. This should have been a celebration week. I should have reached my 50 LB milestone. BUt once again, I feel like I am sabotaging myself and I cannot figure out why. None of my self talk is working….and the voices of those around me SCREAMING their encouragemnt and love is getting fainter…which is a sign I am disconnecting again…How do you fight out of this black hole! I want this time to be different, but I dont know how to make it so…

71 🙂 3/14/2009-Even though I found your most recent post very enlightening, informative and insightful there just comes a time when enough is enough and a person just can’t take in anymore. That’s were I am today. I have been working my butt off all week and for what, to gain 7.5 pounds. What’s with that. Oh you say you’re eating wasn’t on track, well it was and I thought the week was going well. It just shows you that hard work, doesn’t pay off so why continue fighting something that you can’t win at. I’m tired of it all, I really am exhausted both physically and mentally that I can’t deal with it anymore and for me the only correct decision is to throw in the towel. Will this make me happy, to be truthful YES! no more worrying about this or that, no more trying to set standards that can’t be met, no more hassles with having to go to the gym. Sounds like paradise to me.

Reader support for Secret Poster #71-  #71 Please don’t give up. I was just where you were and still am thinking about a lot of it. I had a horrible day with my coach, I only lost .4 pounds at Weight Watchers today after a week of working hard. I know what everyone says, “At least you lost. Blah, blah, blah.” I want you to know that this is just a bad week. It is what it is, it’s in your past. I don’t know how old you are, if you have kids or what, but what I want to share with you is that my mom died at age 53 from being obese. I was only 23. That is the worst thing that I could have ever gone through. Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel I picture her dead, those last images I have of her after a horrible disease ran through her body and all she was was skin and bones and then it makes me remember why I am doing this. I do not want to die young and I do not want my family to go through what I went through. Please don’t throw in the towel yet. Please email me if you want I was right where you were on Thursday night. I sent Jason an email a lot like your secret post. I want to be here for you. I”m still at a tough spot. Go to my blog. Read my post from Thursday. I wrote it right as I was ready to give up. You’ll see my post from today. It says I lost .4 pounds. Yay!! That Yay was forced because I actually hate that I only lost .4, but I’m trying to get into a more positive mind set, but I’m ticked and honestly thought about quitting today, but a friend from Weight Watchers helped me and so did Jason. I hope that you have a support system. you cannot do it alone.

I have one question. There was a week that I gained almost 10 pounds at a Weight Watchers weigh in. I realized it was because I had gone on a medicine for my back. Do you have any change in your medications or have you gone on some new medications recently? That was just a thought to explain such a weight loss.

Please hang in there and I’m here for you. Melissa

This is more support for #71 secret confession

I have lost 83 pounds.  I still have 95 to go.  It has taken me almost 5 years to lose that first 83 pounds, because in the past I have given up repeatedly.  I spent 3 of those years losing and regaining the same 30 pounds.  This has taken a great toll on my body, my heart, even the elasticity of my skin.  I have been on track for 6 months now.  And still, every single day, it is a one day at a time journey.  I make it through because of people like Jason.

I know you are discouraged.  I know you want to scream and cry and cuss.  So do that.  Break something.  Beat a punching bag.  Run a mile until you break down into sobs.  But please, I beg you, don’t quit.  You’ll find yourself 6 months further down the road, summoning the resolve to start over.  And by then it won’t be 7.5 pounds, it will be 27.5.  Or more.

That 7.5 pounds is a number.  It could be water, or muscle, or any number of things.  YOU are not a number.  You are worth every ounce of this fight.

70 🙂 3/13/2009- I bought myself a box of Girl Scout cookies, telling myself that I’d freeze most of them and only let myself have them on a once a month basis. Well I fell off the band wagon and ate the whole box three weeks later! I felt awful, guilty, and had the worst stomach ache!

69 🙂 3/9/2009- I’m feeling like giving up on the whole weight loss thing today. I feel fat and I feel down and don’t know why. I promised myself I would not get fast food today,but I did. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m tired of trying.

68 🙂 2/28/2009- I have a partner that I do weight watchers with. She tells me what she wants when I am going to subway so that I can pick her up something while I am there. I lie to her about what I got her and how many points is in it. I put a lot of mayo, olives, cheese, and oil on it. I secretly don’t want her to do good.

67 🙂 2/21/209- I at McDonald’s today and hid the garbage so no one would know. UGH!! I even had apples in my car. It’s the same thing that happened with the Hershey’s kiss incident. I had something healthy in the car, but still chose the crap. I need this to stop. It’s driving me nuts. Thanks for letting me get this out.

66 🙂 2/17/2009- This secret seems so silly compared to all the major ones on here, but I received one of those big solid Hershey Kisses on Valentine’s Day. I had all the intentions of giving it away. Had a great workout at the gym. Was starving on the way home and almost ate the whole thing. My stomach hurts now. I threw the rest away as soon as I was home in the outside garbage. Very frustrated at myself, but it’s done and I must move on. I”m going to make myself some veggies and hope I don’t throw up.

65 🙂 2/17/2009- I’ve been single and celibate for over 8 years. For much of that time I was 100 lbs overweight and deeply believed that once I lost the weight I’d be desirable again. I’m a bit of a control freak, but am reasonably bright, funny, attractive, and interesting otherwise. So, I lost 105 lbs. only to be completely ignored on all of the online dating sites I tried. A friend, who I’ve had this “thing” for (for years) came to my home for a visit and suddenly hit on me, which ended up with the two of us in bed. Afterwards she went to the guest room like nothing ever happened and made some comments the next day to the tune of “whoa! if I had known it would be that good, I would have done that years ago.” I was in complete and total shock. After she left she didn’t spoke of it again…This friend and I have discussed my attraction/feelings for YEARS, but obviously didn’t think it would cause me any distress?! So, what did I do? Started eating. I felt the most awful overwhelming sadness that the reason that no one wants me is WORSE THAN not wanting to be with a giant fat lady…They didn’t/don’t want ME. I started re-gaining the weight that month and have suceeded in packing on 45 lbs over the past year and a half…Honestly, I’m not sure I can “take” the concept that I’m unlovable.

64 🙂 2/15/2009- Warning: Adult material ahead…

I am a female who had an addiction to porn. I mention female because in my mind most porn addicts are males (no disrespect to you guys). It started out with just watching it with my husband for kicks and then turned into a full-blown addiction for me. I had a bag of “goodies” that I would stash in the closet – DVDs and sex toys – I had quite the collection. It went so far as having to leave work to come home to release the pressure. I even rented a hotel room all to myself because I couldn’t get enough of it. When that wasn’t enough, I convinced myself that I was a lesbian from watching all the girl-on-girl action. I placed an ad, screened some hopefuls and met one of the ladies in person. I also tried to get my husband to participate in a threesome. He wasn’t having it. All along I was communicating most of this to my husband, who told me repeatedly he was sure it was another one of my “phases” and that I would snap out of it. Turns out, he was so right because I eventually wised up before I caused permanent damage in my marriage and my life.

The reason I bring it up now is because it’s been well over 3 years that I’ve been able to let this side of me go, that is until today. I took a bubble bath for the first time since then because that is one place I would go to release the addiction and all those feelings came back again. I didn’t act on the feelings, but now my mind is flooded with images. I realize it is just a self-medication technique, which I replaced with food for a while. Now that I am stressed with some things in my life, I need something again and it’s not going to be food.

63 🙂 2/13/2009- My life sucks right now and all I want to do is eat, but I’m not, but a lot of crap is running through my head and I don’t know what to do with it all. I have gotten bad news 5 days out of the last 6. I cannot take anymore. I’m heading to the gym to try and work it out, but I’m depressed. I have no secret to share just frustration, anger, sadness, and worry. I cannot control some things that are about to be put on my plate, but they will affect my life deeply and that sucks. I do not want to have to deal with these issues, but they are going to have to be dealt with.

62 🙂 2/12/2009- I got the victory, but still having a hard time. Keep the prayers coming. I’m sad this evening. I’m off to personal training. Maybe I can work through this at the gym.

61 🙂 2/11/2009- Hey Secret Poster #59 here. Thanks so far for the support. Jason I don’t know what I would do without this website. This idea was genius. I would just have let this eat away at me and now I am able to talk about it openly and not get judged. People in my circle are quick to judge especially when it comes to matters like this. I appreciate you all. For those of you who have responded and have dealt with this, was it hard to walk away? I know I need to walk away. It’s just going to be hard. Luckily, we’ve only been chatting online. We knew each other years ago, reunited through FACEBOOK (don’t join if you haven’t. It’s a time sucker and a temptation), and just started talking about going out. It’s going to be hard. Keep the love and support coming. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet.

60 🙂 2/11/2009-I don’t have problems with my weight except when I am pregnant. Each time I have packed on 60 pounds (I have 5 children). I normally loose it within a year or so. But I have this fear of food. And surprisingly it started in my teens, before ever having kids. I also cant see myself as ok because I still have parts of me that I think are fat even though I am in the normal weight range. I think about food constantly. I fight with wanting to eat and being too afraid that I will get fatter. I hate feeling like I am out of control but I am sometimes with food. Especially sugar. I am a sugar addict. I can’t stop thinking about it until I eat it all! And I tell myself that I might as well just eat the whole thing and get it over with. :O I might eat half a bag of chocolate chips! But I can keep my weight about the same. Not because I eat correctly, though. I might binge on something then skip meals or eat really well for a day or so to make up for it. I also run. Anyways thank you for this site. It is really encouraging!

59 🙂 2/11/2009- I’m talking to someone that is not my spouse and thinking of getting together with them for dinner. Some of the talk is not appropriate since I am married, but this person says what I need to hear from my spouse that I am not hearing right now, so I have been enjoying it. I know I should not get together with them, but it is tempting. I wish I was just being tempted by food and not this situation. I will be talking to my spouse soon about some issues that need to be addressed, so hopefully it can be worked out.

Special reader support for poster #59-

I would like to give some love and support to Poster #59. That sure is a tempting situation, isn’t it? It’s so nice to feel wanted in such a way. I have been married for going on 16 years and have been in similar situations more than once. Luckily, I chose to walk the other way – towards my husband. However, when I was tempted, it made me face up to whatever the problem was at the time. I was honest with my feelings, letting my spouse know that I had been tempted and we worked out the issue, and I am so glad for it because we now have a rocking marriage! I hope you will also overcome the temptation and work things out. I am sending strength and wisdom your way!
 
 
 
More special reader support for poster #59-
 
This is for Secret Poster #59…
I understand real well what you are going through. I did the same thing, even though I was not married. What i did was even worse. You see I am a man and got attention from other guys that I wasn’t getting from the opposite sex. I was overweight at the time and had some really bad self esteem issues and once I started getting the attention that I was looking for it didn’t matter who it was from. I did what I did out of grattification that I needed at that time. I won’t go into detail on what i did, but it wasn’t good, at least by many peoples standards and if Jason doesn’t post this I don’t blame him. What I did was not really moral. What it boils down to is that with any desires whether food, drinking or having desires of the flesh. What’s important is that you remove yourself from the situation that allowed you to get into this. You have to find the strength inside to overcome all desires. Talking about your feelings with your spouse is a good start. Relay your feelings to him and talk things out before it is to late. Plus know that we are here for support and guidance but it’s you that needs to do what is best for you.
 

More special support for poster #59

Comment for #59. Dear Special Person. Let me just say, that I know 100% what you are going through. I have made the choice (in the past) to not walk away, and it was the most awful thing I have ever been through. It is NOT worth it. You really need to just cut of the chatting and certainly dont meet this person. I know it seems extreme and not what you want to hear. I remember having the same feelings. I am currently married and my husband doesnt know how to really “connect” with me, so I truly understand what you are going through. As hard as it is to just walk away — it will be harder and cause more pain if you dont walk away. Will be praying for mercy, peace and comfort for you and that you will be able to start sharing special moments with your husband.
Secret Poster #59 reporting in.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I just told the other person we cannot talk anymore. They understood and respected me, and my wishes. For those of you that pray, please pray for me. I’m crying and didn’t realize just how hard this would be, but I know it is the right thing. I think that part of it being hard is that fact that you have to face that there is something wrong in your marriage. That’s the hardest part of all. This has been a long stressful day for me and I must tell you all I wanted to do was eat. I chewed on a big wad of gum all day and wanted to pig out at McDonald’s, but didn’t. I ended up at SUBWAY getting a foot long, only eating 6 inches and putting the other half away for work tomorrow, so in the midst of all this pain I still made healthy decisions. At least there’s a silver lining somewhere in all this. Anyway, good night. Thanks again for all the love and support. It really got me through this MAJOR temptation in my life.
Special readers support:

Hey #59,

Things always get worse before tehy get better. As you walk this journey, no matter how hard and difficult it gets, you can be confident that as you do the right thing continuously it will get better. It jsut may not look like what you want it to look like at first, and it may take more than a couple conversations.

Special Reader support for # 59,

I have been talking to a friend tonight who has talked to his wife 5 times in teh last 4 months. It has been incredibly painful and reconciliation and restoration has not looked like he hoped it would. It has not been quick or easy. It has been a long hard process as they work through their pain and hurts. It has been painful to watch. Yet hopeful, as I watch this man do the next right thing that will demonstrate his love for his wife, regardless of her response and regardless of his feelings in teh moment. Tonight he got a glimmer of hope when she called him to tell him “I love you” and to tell him what was going on for her.

Press on my friend. The journey is long and hard. Owning your part in where your marriage is at (which it sounds like you have done) is the best you can do.

THE FINAL VICTORY FOR #59 here. I must admit I have talked to the other person a few times since saying I had victory, but today I took the person off my facebook friendship list for good. Now I have real victory over it and today I feel very good about it not sad. I had a breakthrough about it at the gym this evening. Thanks.


 
58 🙂 2/10/2009- I am afraid I might be an addict. I was talking to some friends about how I have lied about food, hidden food, put relationships at risk over food, and go quiet or non-specific when struggling etc, and one friend quietly said, that is what addicts do. I don’t want to be an addict, but it seems more true than not. Being an addict means that the hope I had of one day not having to be ever so diligent is no longer. This battle really will be life long and will never stop. That sounds impossible to keep up with and is overwhelming. FOr now, I am not an addict, but I am afraid I might be.

57 🙂 2/10/2009- I am afraid to lose weight, because of my “behavior”. In the past when I have been thin, I havent made very good choices in regards to relationships. I am married and a Christian…so this presents a real problem. Today, I am claiming victory over this pattern in my life ~ knowing that I can be fit/healthy and healthy in my relationships too.

56 🙂 2/9/2009- I create sabotaging situations to justify the days that I don’t feel like “being a Weight Watcher.” I wanted to go to Denny’s yesterday and eat a humongous slam breakfast, so I intentionally put myself in an emotional wounding situation, where I knew I would get very hurt, and be able to justify eating a 38 point breakfast, all to myself. And I did it. I don’t need any enemies because I have my biggest enemy right here within me at all times!

55 🙂 2/6/2009- Sometimes I think I’m afraid of succeeding. I’m afraid of the unknown. Or maybe I’m afraid of the known. I haven’t always been heavy, but I have been heavy for the past 15 year. I know what to expect as a fat person. I know how to react to people. What will my life be like if I’m fit and trim? Will my old strategies still help me navigate through life? Will I know what to expect? Will I know how to react?

I think this is on some level tied to the fact that there is a part of me that thinks I don’t deserve it. I have so many good things in my life, but the fat is the one thing standing in between me and the one or two things I really want in my life–or is it? Maybe I’m scared to succeed because then I will know that the reason I don’t have a husband or a family has nothing to do with my fat being unattractive, but that I as a person–the core of who I am whether fat or thin–is unattractive and unworthy of love.

Special Reader Support for Secret Person 55:

Secret poster #55,
I soo get where you are coming from. The reality though is, is that God doesn’t make junk. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. Nothing that God creates is unworthy or unloveable. You are special and worthy and MORE THAN ENOUGH, jsut because you were created….whether you are fat or thin! I can’t say don’t be afraid, because I am afraid of that sme thing all teh time….but don’t let the fear stand in teh way of your dreams for you! 54 🙂 2/6/2009- I am just an addict. It does not matter what it is. I hate it. I wish I could be like normal people. I bite and I am set off. If I have one drink I will be set off. On and On. this sucks royally.

53 🙂 2/4/2009- I wonder if it is possible to do this. Can it really lose the weight? Can I really keep it off? Can I really get and stay healthy for the rest of my life? I am tired of these thoughts and fears. I want it to be easy. I want it to be like it is for those people who can eat what they want and never get fat. I don’t want to work this hard. I just don’t know if I will succeed.

52 🙂 2/3/2009- I chew and spit out my food, and I thought that I could stop eventually but it’s become an emotional crutch of sorts and I tried stopping last week and lasted 3 days.. and kept thinking about doing it. I really want to stop because it’s just stupid, and wasteful and makes me feel so weak.

51 🙂 2/3/2009- You know what.. I just don’t care anymore. Sick and tired of it all.This so called journey is journey to hell if you ask me! Well not worth it. What’s the purpose? I think I have decided to just be who I am and accept me for what I am. If others don’t like it, well you know what they can do….

50 🙂 2/2/2009- My trainer who has been an instrumental part of my weight loss journey and how has inspired me , had faith in me and who has become my mentor and good friend, is moving to another state and will no longer be my trainer. We have built this bond and now it just won’t be the same without him there encouraging and motivating me. I don’t think I can do this without him. It’s like losing a member of the family. He has done so much for me and now as I am fit to accomplish my goals he won’t be there to celebrate my new victories. I just can’t stop crying.. I want to just eat the pain away!!!

Special Reader Support for Secret Poster #50

I wanted to say to secret #50/comment#88 that I too ‘lost’ my trainer and I was crushed. Isaac and I had formed an emotional bond, and I truly felt that he cared about me. After a few days, Suzana approached me and said she wanted to be my trainer. I refused. But she kept after me. What I finally realized is that while I had imagined reaching my goals with Isaac, but I had to push on because I wasn’t doing this for him. I went to that first appointment with Suzana, and confessed that I wasn’t happy about losing him, and that I might have a ‘tude’ for a while. She was very understanding. The point of all this rambling, is that Suzana was actually the best thing for me. I didn’t need a buddy. I needed a butt kicker. I have lost 3 times more weight with her than I did with Isaac, in half the time. I know it’s hard, but give a new trainer a chance. As hard as it is to imagine, you may find someone that you love even more. Hugs.

49 🙂 2/2/2009- I want to eat an entire key lime pie right now. With my hands.

48 🙂 2/2/2009- I’m scared that if I really do lose weight this time, that my stomach will sag so much I’ll wish I was still fat. My stretch marks from pregnancy are horrible and the fat helps keep that skin somewhat filled in. I think I’m sabotaging myself because of it.

47 🙂 2/2/2009- When my husband is in bed at night, I get up and eat ALOT of snacks and sit at the computer. I also lie about going to work out and then I go out to eat instead.

46 🙂 2/2/2009- When Iam eating at home sometimes, I hurry and hide the food if I hear anyone coming. That way they don’t know that I have eaten anything.

45 🙂 2/2/2009- I used to give myself away to guys because i thought that they would like me for it. I was scared because I looked to fat. I also used to never want to eat in front of people because it embarrased me.

44 🙂 2/1/2009-  Note by Jason- This is a testimony of victory that just getting things out in the open helps!!  Great job Secret Person  

 I just wanted to thank you for responding to my post (#38). I’ve thought a lot about your comments this week. We get so caught up in the scale as the only proof of success that the thought of it NOT showing us what we want to see is terrifying. The thought that I would do something so drastic just to feel better is scary. I went to my weigh in this morning and gained 1.2 lbs. I knew that would happen. How could it not? Even if I did lose some on my own this week, my loss from last week (5.2lbs!) was not because I truly lost it, but because I forced it.

When I saw my 1.2 this week I actually felt relieved! It proved to me that what I did didn’t help. That it came back to bite me and that the only way to truly see success on this program and in weight loss in general is to take everything for what it is … every loss, every gain, every success, and every failure. My gain today set me straight and I’m more motivated than ever to keep going … in a healthy way.

43 🙂 1/31/2009- I am feeling tired. I always want to eat junk or just stopp watching what I eat when I am tired. It takes to much energy to eat right. i want to go to the drive through and not think about making the good decisions.

42 🙂 1/29/2009-

I use everything as an excuse to rationalize my failures.
I have a demanding job (who doesn’t?!?)
I have stress (who doesn’t?!?)
I’m tired (who isn’t?!?)

I will use any excuse in the book to justify not doing right by myself so that, when I don’t do right by myself, I can excuse it.
(circular logic — I hope it makes sense)

41 🙂 1/29/2009- I decided to apply for The BIggest Loser again. I have only done this once before. But this time I have a friend who is a professional film maker/editor who wants to do my audition video for me. He told me last night I need to bring “weigh in” clothes like they wear on teh show to be filmed in. I am terrified of this part. I can do the challenges, resist the temptations, and battle off teh weight. Not scared of Bob or Jillian at all…Bring it on actually….but standing before even a couple friends who love me unconditionally or on national television in a sports bra and spandex is terrifying…makes me wanna go eat something….but I won’t…I swear it!

40 🙂 1/27/2009- In high school, I used to chew massive amounts of food, and then instead of purging, I would just spit them out. I was afraid that if I actually threw up, I would be doing something wrong…but wasting food by chewing and then spitting it out while seated with a trash can didn’t make me feel like there was a problem. When I get desperate, sometimes I still do it.

39 🙂 1/26/2009- This is how I feel inside. I am scared about letting my hurts and thoughts out.

Through the fish eyed lens of tear stained eyes, i can barely define the shape of this moment in time.
And far from flying high in clear blue skies, i’m spiralling down into the hole in the ground where i hide
If you negotiate the minefield in the drive and beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes
and if you make it past the shotgun in the hal; dial the combination. open the priesthole and if i’m in i’ll tell you what’s behind the wall….

And if i show you my dark side, will you still hold me tonight, If i open my heart to you and show you my weak side, what would you do? Would you sell your story to rolling stone or would you take the children away and leave me alone. And then smile in reassurance as you whisper down the phone. Would you send me packing or would you take me home. I thought i oughta bare my naked feelings,thought i oughta tear the curtain down

I want to let more out but it scares me. I scares me to share with people about how I feel fat and insecure

38 🙂 1/26/2009- I threw up before my last weigh in. I was supposed to go out to dinner at this amazing restaurant the night before – had looked at the website and picked out exactly what I was going to get. When we got there they couldn’t seat us so we went to a nearby italian restaurant. I had no time to prepare, so I ate what I usually would – chicken parm. The whole thing. I got home and realized I had WI the next morning and that meal would most definitely affect it. So I threw up.

I was mortified that I would ever think to do that. I never have before and never will again. It made me realize just how weak I am and how much I live by that scale. How much it scares me. I know it will never happen again … I can’t even imagine ever feeling the way I did that night. But I still hate myself for it.

37 🙂 1/26/2009-

Secret POster #31,

Your post just makes me want to cry, because I sooo understand the feeling of anger towards GOd. Not for the same reasons, but angry with GOd nonetheless. If Jason doesn’t mind, I will try to be brief in hopes of encouraging you in some way. This past year has been a long journey as God has continuously invited me in so many significant and small ways and through others to look at my life and my story. Specifically, my sexual abuse story which just happens to be the point in my life when my weight became an issue. While looking at this in a healing class, I was asked to consider that I might be angry. I couldn’t imagine being angry. I mean this happened 27 years ago! THe next day as I was thinking about my story and God’s role in it, my breath was taken away from me as I felt like I faced the worst betrayal of my life. I can only imagine how a husband or wife feels when they find their spouse has been cheating on them. My realization? My GOd, My SAvior, who pursues MY heart so fervently…so strongly desires that none perish, he is also pursuing my abusers heart. Oh secret poster, the angry devastation I felt! I cannot explain in words how strong the emotions were and still are at times. See, my abuser never got punished for his crime, and when I became a Christian, I stuffed this believing that it’s ok, cuz God would get him. But the reality and Truth is that GOd longs for his heart to be redeemed and transformed just as much as he longs for mine to be. Anger? I get that feeling, especially towards God. I write all this just so you know that whatever the source of your anger, I can understand. ANd the amazing thing is…when I got really honest with GOd about the reality of my heart and actually called him some good strong names, God drew closer to me. See God longs for intimacy with us, and what is more intimate than raw, gut wrenching honesty. Your anger cannot push Him away. I tried it. But He also didn’t try to change my feelings either. All this happened just in Novemeber. He and I stil don’t have things worked out. Cuz I keep asking Him to stop pursuing this guy, but He refuses. But it is as though He is saying. Yeah, I get it, I understand your anger, but I cannot change who I am. I am always the same. and THAT is why I can trust Him. Grace and Peace to you Secret POster. May you find courage to be honest before God and may you experience His peace as He draws near to you!

36 🙂 1/26/2009- I sneak in bites of food while I am cooking and I am constantly looking at my husbands reflection in the picture above my stove to be sure he isn’t watching me. Most of the time I track the points that I “sneak” while cooking though. But its crazy that I can’t even wait to sit down for dinner before I start to eat. Also, I have done that thing where I buy food at the grocery store then eat it in the car so no one knows I ate it but God and me. Usually it’s a slice of Italian Cream Cake that is even packaged with a convenient plastic fork for easy access! Sad huh?

35 🙂 1/26/2009- Thanks for your help and support. I really do want to come back but yet I am still afraid of failing again. Plus with all my whining and bad attitude I kind of feel like a hypocrite coming back and talking about healthy eating and exercise. I feel that I have probably lost the respect of other bloggers who have followed me. My thinking is this ” Why would they want to continue listening to what I have to say after all the negative comments and thinking that I have done lately.” What do I have to offer anymore? My goal was to try to help others out on their journey and I feel I have failed in that too.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of how I acted, reacted and how I just about gave up.
On a positive note.. Yesterday, being Sunday, I did eat clean and healthy all day. I did not deviate from my “program” all day. Stuck with it. Still haven’t been back at exercising and I hope to do that on Monday morning.
I am so scared to coming back still! I feel that I haven’t earned that right to be on here yet.
Either way THANKS (Slightly edited for anonymity’s sake)

Special reader support for secret poster #35-

# 35, Here is a thought. You WILL fail. Again and again. Embrace it my friend. Own it! Feel the failure. The question is, will you let one failure defeat you? WIll you really let it take you out of the game? The fact that you are posting your very raw struggles here tells me you are stronger than that. Your story, your struggles matter and is part of what others find so encouraging. Jason running a 50 miler is not what inspires me (sorry Jason) but rather the fact that he struggles daily with what to eat or not eat, that he he struggles to exercise, that he fails and then goes again, is why I come and check out what he is doing. I imagine that is why your blog fans come to yours as well! SO keep fighting through. Get up and go again and again. That is what grace is for!

Jason, I don’t care if the posters know who I am on this one, same thing with my abuse story I shared. I didn’t fight through that battle to hide from it. I now own it fully and am willing to share any part of it, if it will enourage others!

34 🙂 1/26/2009- I want to lose weight overnight…and I know it’s impossible. I feel so depressed and am trying to fight it and not give up on my journey. I’m tired of yo-yo’ing. I want to disappear and lose weight then come back to reality.

33 🙂 1/26/2009- I am finally out of words. I don’t want to start just one last time again/anymore… I’m out of last times. But I can’t live like this either.

Something’s gotta give.
And only I can make that happen.

I feel weary, exhausted, scared, frustrated, terrified, uncertain, confused, drained, and dejected.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this, or if I will succeed. Where I will summon the strength from to even try.

I’ll have my 25th birthday soon. That seems so significant. And here I am.

32 🙂 1/25/2009- It is amazing at how many of these posts I can relate to. I have have only lost weight and been close to my ideal weight once in my life. I try to remember how great it felt. I am so tired of this battle. I just wish I could accomplish this goal and move on with my life. I am tired of this being such a main focus of my life. I feel like food has control over me. Thanks for having this post!

31 🙂 1/25/2009- It’s really hard to explain what I am going thorough, even though I know others experience the same hurts, feelings and failures. for me, some reason it’s different this time. I have a lot of anger inside, not only towards myself but towards others as well. Now please don’t take this wrong, but I have a lot of anger towards God! Forgive me if I am out of line here, but it’s how I feel. If he is so loving and wants what’s best for me then why is he allowing this to happen! If he’s testing me than that’s not funny either. I don’t like to be tested or put into a situation like this. What else am I angery at, the list goes on and I shouldn’t be venting here. Since i am being open I might as well spill it. I am angry at all the people that are good looking, that aren’t facing or have conquered this battle of weight loss. I am angry at the people that think looks are the most important thing that a person has to offer. I do have a heart and sole and why can’t they set aside there opinion of what I look on the outside and really see who I am!

So why not quit and prove them right. That I am a failure and an ugly fat one at that. Man, I’m sorry. Will it get better, that I don’t know.
Thanks for allowing me to express myself. 

Special reader support for secret poster #31

Secret poster #31- Your post just makes me want to cry, because I sooo understand the feeling of anger towards GOd. Not for the same reasons, but angry with GOd nonetheless. If Jason doesn’t mind, I will try to be brief in hopes of encouraging you in some way. This past year has been a long journey as God has continuously invited me in so many significant and small ways and through others to look at my life and my story. Specifically, my sexual abuse story which just happens to be the point in my life when my weight became an issue. While looking at this in a healing class, I was asked to consider that I might be angry. I couldn’t imagine being angry. I mean this happened 27 years ago! THe next day as I was thinking about my story and God’s role in it, my breath was taken away from me as I felt like I faced the worst betrayal of my life. I can only imagine how a husband or wife feels when they find their spouse has been cheating on them. My realization? My GOd, My SAvior, who pursues MY heart so fervently…so strongly desires that none perish, he is also pursuing my abusers heart. Oh secret poster, the angry devastation I felt! I cannot explain in words how strong the emotions were and still are at times. See, my abuser never got punished for his crime, and when I became a Christian, I stuffed this believing that it’s ok, cuz God would get him. But the reality and Truth is that GOd longs for his heart to be redeemed and transformed just as much as he longs for mine to be. Anger? I get that feeling, especially towards God. I write all this just so you know that whatever the source of your anger, I can understand. ANd the amazing thing is…when I got really honest with GOd about the reality of my heart and actually called him some good strong names, God drew closer to me. See God longs for intimacy with us, and what is more intimate than raw, gut wrenching honesty. Your anger cannot push Him away. I tried it. But He also didn’t try to change my feelings either. All this happened just in Novemeber. He and I stil don’t have things worked out. Cuz I keep asking Him to stop pursuing this guy, but He refuses. But it is as though He is saying. Yeah, I get it, I understand your anger, but I cannot change who I am. I am always the same. and THAT is why I can trust Him. Grace and Peace to you Secret POster. May you find courage to be honest before God and may you experience His peace as He draws near to you!

30 🙂 1/24/2009- I don’t tell my husband I am upset. I ask him to go and buy me ice cream instead. In one weekend I have eaten 30 creamcicles, a gallon of icecream and an unknown amount of popcicles, not counting Friday. Sometimes it is harder for me to have him accept me and love me as an obese person rather than have him judge me like I judge myself.

29 🙂 1/24/2009- I feel like I am about to get on a downward spiral and let it all go. I don’t want to admit it for fear that I can’t get it back under control, and I will disappoint others. Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it. It takes so much work to keep going.

28 🙂 1/24/2009- I’m throwing in the towel! I am giving up! I don’t deserve to be here! I am just sick of failing and letting myself down. Will I be back, I don’t know. You’ll probably end of deleting this since it’s not a positive aspect of weight loss, but it’s reality, at least mine.People should know that this journey is not an easy one and that sometimes it just doesn’t work out, just like marriages and relationships. It’s all the same.

27 🙂 1/24/2009- I have yet to measure the huge amount of air popped popcorn I make. I try to estimate how many it is (6-10 cups, more?) but I just won’t measure it because I don’t want to know if I’m really consuming 8+ cups or more and have the additional points allocation.

26 🙂 1/23/2009-  I think I am going to go eat as much junk food as I can right now because I am tired and exhausted

25 🙂 1/23/2009- I tell everyone how well weight watchers works, but I secretly don’t follow the program very well at all. I NEVER eat all my points, some days I’ll eat all but the last 4 and feel like I’ve failed. Most days I’ll go to bed with 7-13 uneaten points. When weigh-in day comes and I have a good loss, I immediately eat all the foods I’ve been craving all week. Tomorrow morning, I’ll weigh in, register a 2-3 pound loss, then I’m going to Sonic and getting 2 breakfast burritos, then some buffalo wings at lunch. I know it’s coming and I’ll not even attempt to talk myself out of it.

24 🙂 1/23/2009- I decided to visualize and dwell on who I wanted to be … a sexy, active HOT 40 something woman…not an overweight, depressed, sedentary “stuck in the box” person that I had been for – for years. And I used to buy tons of fitness/health magazines – lay them around the house, books, started running & playing tennis, and even chatted and pretended to be “sexy …….” – a blonde active fun loving girl who men desired …silly, but in the end I lost 50lbs! And I got my “sexy back”…on the inside & out! Woot woot.

23 🙂 1/23/2009- when I was younger, my mom would have me get groceries while she waited in the car. I would buy a hostess pack or cookies and walk around the store and eat them. I just had to have them and I didn’t want her to see me eating them. I didn’t know until recently that she knew I did this. She asked me why I did it, and I said becuase i didn’t want you to see me eat them. She said, ‘I didn’t say stuff about your weight to you back then did I.” She did. And I was shocked she realized this. I have some issues due to things my mother has said to me over the last 30 years.

22 🙂 1/22/2009- I go from store to store looking for something to eat that will heal my emotions. It never works though. It is like I am searching out drugs or something.

21 🙂 1/21/2009- The reason why I have gained my weight is because I am in denial, or want to deny who I truly am. I’m afraid of what people might think so I have eaten to hide those feelings. Eating is or was a great way to self medicate myself.

20 🙂 1/21/2009- I have a 6-pack of snickers bars in my glove box. I tell myself that they are there for that desperate day I may hurt someone if I don’t get some chocolate! They are right outside, but it would take putting on warm clothes and boots just to get them. Then I decide they aren’t worth the effort. I remind myself about them when I’m searching the pantry for a snack. It’s a torturous mental game I play with myself to see if I can resist. My spouse thinks I’m nuts! Throw them out or eat them he says!

19 🙂 1/21/2009- I hate my rolls. They disgust me and I feel bad about them

18 🙂 1/21/2009- So it is incredibly mortifying when you go to the gym with the guy you like to take a spin class and your belly is so big that when your leg comes up it hits the belly which pushes the boob up which if not careful, almost hits you in the face, especially if you are putting your head down just trying to breathe. Then to top it off…the room is mirrored all the way around! Thank GOd they turn the lights off…that is the only saving grace to this humiliation. And it is not like I can NOT go with this guy to the gym as he is one of my accountibility people.

17 🙂 1/21/2009- I ate a whole bagof Boulder’s Parmesan Garlic chips yesterday….Thankfully I was able to account for the 800 calories….but still!!!! That is a lot! I don’t even want to write it in my food journal, lest my accountibility crew ask to see it!

16 🙂 1/21/2009- I think this is such a great idea! I dont mind if you put my name on it or not. I am ashamed of my habits up until this point, but I am learning from them! I would eat almost a whole gallon of ice cream in one day and then go replace it before my husband got home, and eat out of it what was gone in the other one, so it looked like I hadn’t had any all day. And then I would have more later that night for dessert.

15 🙂 1/21/2009- I used to eat sprinkles cupcakes in the car so no one would know I was eating them. One time I almost got in a wreck because I was trying to lick frosting off of my hand 😦

14 🙂 1/21/2009-I went through a short period of time, on and off, that I would binge and purge so I would see a loss on the scale and didn’t have to keep my food intake in check. Similar to the other person, gaining my weight back terrifies me, too. However, after doing this like 5x in one week and I had a gain at the scale, I stopped. I hope I don’t ever do it again. It makes me feel weak when I am not in control.

13 🙂 1/21/2009- I’m so frustrated at myself. I ate cookies, Taco Bell, pop tarts, a candy bar, and no fruits or veggies yesterday. I’m frustrated, but here I am, a new day. New choices. Just had to get frustrations out here, so I don’t make the same mistakes again today. Thanks.

12 🙂 1/20/2009- I have become obsessed with running. I will run on an injury and deny the pain. My coaches have told me to take time off nad heal. I won’t do it. I have even lied to my spouse about this, and continue to run. Why? Because I am afraid if I quit running for even a few days, I will return to the blob I once was. That terrifies me.

11 :)- 1/20/2009- Were do I start.. I use to hide when I ate so nobody would see all the food I was eating. I would also eating while driving and I would drive from one fast food restaurant to another.  I too would lie to my trainer about what I ate, even though I would lose weight at the weigh in. I just never wanted him to be disappointed in me like I felt about myself. I also feel like I am failing.

10 🙂 1/20/2009- Before, I used to eat a meal at a fast food restaurant, and when my mom asked me I would say I hadnt eaten yet, so then I would eat another dinner at home. It made me feel so guilty, and it became a cycle that I finally have gotten myself out of

9. 🙂 1/20/2009- I’ve lied to my personal trainer more than once. The weight is still coming off so he’s not on to me. I really don’t mean to, but he scares me, and then the lie just slips on out about how much I worked out. My goal is not to lie anymore no matter how hard it might be.

8. 🙂 1/20/2009- There are times when I get something at a fast food restaurant and I won’t tell anyone and then I come home and eat a full dinner with the family.

7. 🙂 1/20/2009- I ate a whole box of ego waffles last night

6. 🙂 1/20/2009- I am terrified of failing. Of falling off the wagon and not being able to get back on. I am becoming obsessed with losing as much weight as possible before I move back home, where all my bad habits were learned, to the point where I am afraid I am falling into disordered thinking and relating to exercise now. I feel crazy these days.

5. 🙂 1/20/2009- I used to eat a lot before I started trying to lose weight.  I ate like 5 big macs at a time.

4. 🙂 1/20/2009- Sometimes when I go through the drive through, I act like I am ordering for two people.  I don’t feel so embarrassed that way.

3. 🙂 1/20/2009- Here goes: I LOVE eating plain peanut butter, but refuse to do it in front of anyone. So I only eat it if I’m home alone. Oh, and pretty much the only reason I make cookies is so I can eat cookie dough 🙂

2. 🙂 1/20/2009-Sometimes I look around before I eat something in the pantry to see if anyone is looking.

1. 🙂  1/20/2009 -When I know I am going to go off and eat something bad, I go to a special gas station and buy pepperoni, chips, and doughnuts.  I eat it all before I get home so nobody knows. 🙂

I would like to give some love and support to Poster #59. That sure is a tempting situation, isn’t it? It’s so nice to feel wanted in such a way. I have been married for going on 16 years and have been in similar situations more than once. Luckily, I chose to walk the other way – towards my husband. However, when I was tempted, it made me face up to whatever the problem was at the time. I was honest with my feelings, letting my spouse know that I had been tempted and we worked out the issue, and I am so glad for it because we now have a rocking marriage! I hope you will also overcome the temptation and work things out. I am sending strength and wisdom your way!


205 Responses to “Secret confessions! GET LIBERATED”


  1. 1 Secret
    January 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    I don’t know if this qualifies, but ………………………………………………..

  2. 2 run4change
    January 20, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Thanks for helping us all by telling the truth

  3. 3 Secret
    January 20, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    There are times when I get something at a fast food restaurant and I won’t tell anyone and then I come home and eat a full dinner with the family.

    • 4 run4change
      January 20, 2009 at 1:29 pm

      I must confess. I have done this so, so, so many times. In fact, this was my normal behavior. It was second nature. Eat two hamburgers or some deep fried burritos on the way home and have dinner with my wife too.

  4. 5 secret
    January 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Before, I used to eat a meal at a fast food restaurant, and when my mom asked me I would say I hadnt eaten yet, so then I would eat another dinner at home. It made me feel so guilty, and it became a cycle that I finally have gotten myself out of

    • 6 run4change
      January 20, 2009 at 2:22 pm

      Again, I used to do this all the time. And when I do go a little wild, I still do it or at least get tempted too. Thanks for commenting secret person

  5. 7 Secret
    January 20, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    I have become obsessed with running. I will run on an injury and deny the pain. My coaches have told me to take time off nad heal. I won’t do it. I have even lied to my spouse about this, and continue to run. Why? Because I am afraid if I quit running for even a few days, I will return to the blob I once was. That terrifies me.

    • 8 run4change
      January 20, 2009 at 6:54 pm

      Thanks secret person. I have the same struggle you have often. I am blessed to have never been injured, but the fear that you confess. I identify with that and that is why I get scared about easing off and having balance.

  6. 9 Frustrated
    January 21, 2009 at 3:45 am

    I’m so frustrated at myself. I ate cookies, Taco Bell, pop tarts, a candy bar, and no fruits or veggies yesterday. I’m frustrated, but here I am, a new day. New choices. Just had to get frustrations out here, so I don’t make the same mistakes again today. Thanks.

    • 10 run4change
      January 21, 2009 at 5:58 am

      Great job on keeping on secret person. You can do it and thanks for sharing, obviously you are not the only one.

  7. 11 Secret
    January 21, 2009 at 5:33 am

    I went through a short period of time, on and off, that I would binge and purge so I would see a loss on the scale and didn’t have to keep my food intake in check. Similar to the other person, gaining my weight back terrifies me, too. However, after doing this like 5x in one week and I had a gain at the scale, I stopped. I hope I don’t ever do it again. It makes me feel weak when I am not in control.

    • 12 run4change
      January 21, 2009 at 6:09 am

      Dear secret person, THanks for opening up and helping us. I am sure that this has been done many times by some of the readers. Keep up your good work. I get terrified about gaining it back too. Fear brings out extreme measures in us sometimes but perfect love casts out all fear and I hope that you can find some of that love and acceptance here at run4change. These readers and I really do care and can related. THanks for your secret

  8. 13 Secret
    January 21, 2009 at 7:20 am

    I used to eat sprinkles cupcakes in the car so no one would know I was eating them. One time I almost got in a wreck because I was trying to lick frosting off of my hand 😦

    • 14 run4change
      January 21, 2009 at 7:22 am

      Well I am glad your ok after that almost accident. 🙂 Keep your head up. I like cupcakes to. I was in fact looking at some at the grocery store last night. I resisted, barely, and pushed the cart on by. Thank you secret for your comment.

  9. 15 Secret
    January 21, 2009 at 7:58 am

    I think this is such a great idea! I dont mind if you put my name on it or not. I am ashamed of my habits up until this point, but I am learning from them! I would eat almost a whole gallon of ice cream in one day and then go replace it before my husband got home, and eat out of it what was gone in the other one, so it looked like I hadn’t had any all day. And then I would have more later that night for dessert.

  10. 16 run4change
    January 21, 2009 at 8:16 am

    Secret, thanks a lot for sharing with all of us. I appreciate it. I have done the same thing. Shoot, I have pretty much done all of these secrets too. Thanks again

  11. 17 I'll Never Tell....
    January 21, 2009 at 9:42 am

    I ate a whole bag of Boulder’s Parmesan Garlic chips yesterday….Thankfully I was able to account for the 800 calories….but still!!!! That is a lot! I don’t even want to write it in my food journal, lest my accountibility crew ask to see it!

    • 18 run4change
      January 21, 2009 at 9:47 am

      I love chips and they are I think my number one go to for bad eating. I think they are great. I ate a bad on sunday myself.

  12. 19 I'll Never Tell....
    January 21, 2009 at 9:48 am

    So it is incredibly mortifying when you go to the gym with the guy you like to take a spin class and your belly is so big that when your leg comes up it hits the belly which pushes the boob up which if not careful, almost hits you in the face, especially if you are putting your head down just trying to breathe. Then to top it off…the room is mirrored all the way around! Thank GOd they turn the lights off…that is the only saving grace to this humiliation. And it is not like I can NOT go with this guy to the gym as he is one of my accountibility people.

    • 20 run4change
      January 21, 2009 at 9:51 am

      I am a guy as you most likely know. And when I was working out at the gym I was hated the way my “boobs” moved around like that. Thanks for the comment. I am feeling like crap right now and this made me feel better

  13. 21 Secret agent
    January 21, 2009 at 9:57 am

    i hate my rolls. They disgust me and I feel bad about them

  14. 23 Secret
    January 21, 2009 at 10:01 am

    I have a 6-pack of snickers bars in my glove box. I tell myself that they are there for that desperate day I may hurt someone if I don’t get some chocolate! They are right outside, but it would take putting on warm clothes and boots just to get them. Then I decide they aren’t worth the effort. I remind myself about them when I’m searching the pantry for a snack. It’s a torturous mental game I play with myself to see if I can resist. My spouse thinks I’m nuts! Throw them out or eat them he says!

  15. 24 I'll Never Tell....
    January 21, 2009 at 10:09 am

    I am glad this could make you feel better. WHen I look at it objectively, it is actually a pretty comical written visual. I didn’t think about guys having their own set of boobs to smack them when they are in the weight loss phase! Good reminder for me!

    • 25 run4change
      January 21, 2009 at 10:11 am

      Thanks never tell. It was a pretty comical visual wasn’t it. Sometimes real life is just a little funny, not in the moment so much, but looking back. HAHA 🙂

  16. 26 Secret
    January 21, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    The reason why I have gained my weight is because I am in denial, or want to deny who I truly am. I’m afraid of what people might think so I have eaten to hide those feelings. Eating is or was a great way to self medicate myself.

    • 27 run4change
      January 21, 2009 at 3:56 pm

      One of my mediciines I should say. I have had a couple. I understand how you feel when you talk about hiding.

  17. 28 Secret
    January 22, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    I go from store to store looking for something to eat that will heal my emotions. It never works though. It is like I am searching out drugs or something.

    • 29 run4change
      January 22, 2009 at 1:40 pm

      Hey, maybe we will end up at the same store sometime. 🙂 But no really, I do this too. I actually did it the other day looking for doughnuts but no place I went had the maple bars

  18. 30 Secret
    January 23, 2009 at 6:27 am

    when I was younger, my mom would have me get groceries while she waited in the car. I would buy a hostess pack or cookies and walk around the store and eat them. I just had to have them and I didn’t want her to see me eating them. I didn’t know until recently that she knew I did this. She asked me why I did it, and I said becuase i didn’t want you to see me eat them. She said, ‘I didn’t say stuff about your weight to you back then did I.” She did. And I was shocked she realized this. I have some issues due to things my mother has said to me over the last 30 years.

    • 31 run4change
      January 23, 2009 at 6:56 am

      Alot of how I feel comes from things people in my family have said too. Sorry about that and thanks for sharing, I am sure that will be much identification with this secret.

  19. 32 Secret
    January 23, 2009 at 10:40 am

    I decided to visualize and dwell on who I wanted to be … a sexy, active HOT 40 something woman…not an overweight, depressed, sedentary “stuck in the box” person that I had been for – for years. And I used to buy tons of fitness/health magazines – lay them around the house, books, started running & playing tennis, and even chatted and pretended to be “sexy …….” – a blonde active fun loving girl who men desired …silly, but in the end I lost 50lbs! And I got my “sexy back”…on the inside & out! Woot woot.

    • 33 run4change
      January 23, 2009 at 10:51 am

      That is totally awesome secret woman. Life is much more fun as a hot, sexy, and active 40 something compared to how your were feeling. Great job on the total transformation, inside and out.

  20. 34 Secret
    January 23, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    I tell everyone how well weight watchers works, but I secretly don’t follow the program very well at all. I NEVER eat all my points, some days I’ll eat all but the last 4 and feel like I’ve failed. Most days I’ll go to bed with 7-13 uneaten points. When weigh-in day comes and I have a good loss, I immediately eat all the foods I’ve been craving all week. Tomorrow morning, I’ll weigh in, register a 2-3 pound loss, then I’m going to Sonic and getting 2 breakfast burritos, then some buffalo wings at lunch. I know it’s coming and I’ll not even attempt to talk myself out of it.

    • 35 run4change
      January 23, 2009 at 5:07 pm

      Well Secret person, I sure understand how you feel. I don’t always do good on WW either. I usually go over my points, but anyways. Thanks for sharing.

  21. 36 Secret Agent
    January 23, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    I think I am going to go eat as much junk food as I can right now because I am tired and exhausted

    • 37 run4change
      January 23, 2009 at 5:08 pm

      We love ya no matter what you do, but try and stay strong my secreat agent friend. YES, THIS COMMENT IS TO MYSELF. I POSTED SECRET #26 WHEN I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME. THEN I COMFORTED MYSELF TOO 🙂 🙂 🙂

  22. 38 Secret
    January 23, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    I have yet to measure the huge amount of air popped popcorn I make. I try to estimate how many it is (6-10 cups, more?) but I just won’t measure it because I don’t want to know if I’m really consuming 8+ cups or more and have the additional points allocation.

    • 39 run4change
      January 24, 2009 at 5:19 am

      I bet this is so so common. Not just with popcorn, but with food in general. I have this same tendency. I will get a points value in my mind for what something is and then no matter what the size of portion that item of food is always that amount of poiints 🙂

  23. 40 Secret
    January 24, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I’m throwing in the towel! I am giving up! I don’t deserve to be here! I am just sick of failing and letting myself down. Will I be back, I don’t know. You’ll probably end of deleting this since it’s not a positive aspect of weight loss, but it’s reality, at least mine.People should know that this journey is not an easy one and that sometimes it just doesn’t work out, just like marriages and relationships. It’s all the same.

    • 41 run4change
      January 24, 2009 at 9:48 pm

      Dear Secret Person,
      I am so very sorry that you are having a hard time right now. You are right. This journey, as well as other journey’s, are not easy. Many people throw the towel in. Damn, I have thrown the towel in. Many, many times. You are also right that sometimes things don’t go the way we dreamed in marriages and relationships. We hit a road block and don’t know what to do or how to feel. One thing I know for sure is that IT IS OK TO FEEL! You know and I know that you are hurting right now. Hurting a lot. Hopelessness, helplessness, fatigue, worry, fear, depression! I have been in the deep dark place of disillusionment. It hurts and the sight that I had in that place was very dull. It was difficult if not impossible to see any light. I am sorry my friend. I feel for you. When I got your comment, I was on my way to skiing for the night. I prayed inside for you as I drove. I hurt for you, I cared for you, I hoped for you.

      I don’t want to tell you not to feel this way. It is very difficult to stop feeling and you shouldn’t stop feeling. All I can tell you is the truth. The truth IS visible from outside that darkness. If only I could grab your hand to pull you out only for a moment. It would only take a moment of clarity. You don’t have to throw in the towel. It is you choice, but you don’t have to. You are not helpless nor are you hopeless. There is hope. God has a plan to give you a good future and not to harm you, regardless of what has happened. You can overcome these hard times and recover even stronger than ever. I was as low as dying in the back yard of a party. Not even one friend would lend a hand to take me to get help. Not even one person would take me to the doctors. That day I learned, that when I was my most hopeless, that there still was a glimmer of hope. A possibility that things would get better. They did!

      Once again, I am sorry that you are hurting so much. Other people also have that same reality. You are not the only one. People all around have hurts, that stay inside, that aren’t visible to the people around them. I am glad you shared your story, your feelings. Please, don’t throw in the towel yet. One more step, one more hour, one more day. I know you can make it. I am human, we are human, it can be done. Be blessed. 😦

  24. 42 Secret's out
    January 24, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    I feel like I am about to get on a downward spiral and let it all go. I don’t want to admit it for fear that I can’t get it back under control, and I will disappoint others. Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it. It takes so much work to keep going.

    • 43 run4change
      January 24, 2009 at 9:53 pm

      Hang in there my dear secret friend. I feel the same way often, especially lately. Keeping it all together, staying on track, doing the right thing. It is worth it though. It is worth it for you. It does take work. Everything worth while is not to easy to get. Keep on keeping on. You did let it all go just now when you shared, yelled it out into the universe that you are about to just say F it. It ok to feel like that, but you have to remember the reason that you want health, happiness, and joy. I know you have a reason. Come back and share more if you have to. Get it all out there, learn from it, move on with the lessons. Be blessed.

  25. 44 Secret's out
    January 24, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    I feel like I am going head-on into downward spiral and I’m about ready to let it all go. I don’t want to admit it for fear that I can’t get it back under control, and I will disappoint others. Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it. It takes so much work to keep going.

    • 45 run4change
      January 24, 2009 at 9:58 pm

      I know that this is a repeat because maybe you didn’t see your comment post, but I want to comment again anyway. There is often pressure to not disappoint others. I have feared it all of my life. All of my freakin life that has been one of my biggest fears. You know what though, I have found that sharing my struggles and mishaps, and spirals downward have only ignited love in the human heart. People relate to the spiral, to the hurt because they have felt or are feeling it too. I don’t know who you are, but when I read “downward spiral”. I instantly related to it in my heart. I felt that ignition turn. Take one positive step after the other and talk about this struggling time and it will get back into control.

  26. 46 Secret
    January 24, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    I don’t tell my husband I am upset. I ask him to go and buy me ice cream instead. In one weekend I have eaten 30 creamcicles, a gallon of icecream and an unknown amount of popcicles, not counting Friday. Sometimes it is harder for me to have him accept me and love me as an obese person rather than have him judge me like I judge myself.

    • 47 run4change
      January 24, 2009 at 10:08 pm

      Keep you head up secret person. I know how it is to eat rather than feel, or eat because you feel. I have done similar things by asking my wife if she wants pizza. I am doing it because I am upset or depressed, but it seems like I just want to have fun. Sorry that you are upset but thanks for letting out your secret so that both you and others can be comforted on their journey

  27. 48 Secret
    January 25, 2009 at 11:25 am

    I appreciate your comment and post…
    It’s really hard to explain what I am going thorough, even though I know others experience the same hurts, feelings and failures. for me, some reason it’s different this time. I have a lot of anger inside, not only towards myself but towards others as well. Now please don’t take this wrong, but I have a lot of anger towards God! Forgive me if I am out of line here, but it’s how I feel. If he is so loving and wants what’s best for me then why is he allowing this to happen! If he’s testing me than that’s not funny either. I don’t like to be tested or put into a situation like this. What else am I angery at, the list goes on and I shouldn’t be venting here. Since i am being open I might as well spill it. I am angry at all the people that are good looking, that aren’t facing or have conquered this battle of weight loss. I am angry at the people that think looks are the most important thing that a person has to offer. I do have a heart and sole and why can’t they set aside there opinion of what I look on the outside and really see who I am!
    So why not quit and prove them right. That I am a failure and an ugly fat one at that. Man, I’m sorry. Will it get better, that I don’t know.
    What I do hope for is that you had a great time skiing and such.
    Got to go… Thanks for allowing me to express myself. I would have sent it via e-mail but then you’d now the real me. That’s unless you have narrowed it down already.
    Take Care!

    • 49 run4change
      January 25, 2009 at 2:20 pm

      Secret buddy,

      Now as I am 100% sure that you already know, I don’t have all the answers. Usually, for feelings like this, there is no black and white, cut and dry answers. That sucks I think, but I do know that being angry at God is no big deal. He already knows your pissed off at Him. It does not scare Him off though. It pulls Him in. No matter what, you can just tell Him like it is. Just tell Him that you’re pissed. It’s ok.

      As far as people always looking to the outside of people, that is a sucky fact. That’s what they do. In fact, they can be totally cruel about it. I had this great friend in Texas. She was such a woman of God and she was in her 80’s, maybe late 80’s. I saw pics. of her in her house. You know what, she was hot as a younger woman. Drop dead gorgeous. But what happened to her. Shoot, she got real old. That’s when I realized for the very first time in a concrete real life manner that looks and outside appearance were deceptively short lived. We can’t stop that, we are going to get old and we are gonna look “hot” anymore and it will all be about the inside because that is what it actually always has been from the start. The inside.

      Take it easy for a minute, try and relax. I appreciate that you are sharing in such and honest and real way. Keep coming back to share anytime you want to. You will be restored. You will walk the journey. You will make it to your goals. THis is a hiccup, and that is ok. We love ya.

  28. 50 Secret
    January 25, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    It is amazing at how many of these posts I can relate to. I have have only lost weight and been close to my ideal weight once in my life. I try to remember how great it felt. I am so tired of this battle. I just wish I could accomplish this goal and move on with my life. I am tired of this being such a main focus of my life. I feel like food has control over me. Thanks for having this post!

    • 51 run4change
      January 25, 2009 at 5:25 pm

      I felt that way so much when I started weight watchers. I thought to myself, “Man, I am thinking about food more than before!” I also get tired, tired of the battle, the urges, the temptations to eat everything in sight. THanks Secret Person for your contribution.

  29. 52 Secret
    January 25, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    I am finally out of words. I don’t want to start just one last time again/anymore… I’m out of last times. But I can’t live like this either.

    Something’s gotta give.
    And only I can make that happen.

    I feel weary, exhausted, scared, frustrated, terrified, uncertain, confused, drained, and dejected.

    I don’t know how I’m going to do this, or if I will succeed. Where I will summon the strength from to even try.

    I’ll have my 25th birthday soon. That seems so significant. And here I am.

    • 53 run4change
      January 26, 2009 at 12:17 am

      You can do it Secret poster 33. You have it in you. You are right there at the starting line and your life is about to change. THIS, is where we all start, right where you are, “I feel weary, exhausted, scared, frustrated, terrified, uncertain, confused, drained, and dejected.” Thanks for you sharing

  30. January 25, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    Secret POster #31,

    Your post just makes me want to cry, because I sooo understand the feeling of anger towards GOd. Not for the same reasons, but angry with GOd nonetheless. If Jason doesn’t mind, I will try to be brief in hopes of encouraging you in some way. This past year has been a long journey as God has continuously invited me in so many significant and small ways and through others to look at my life and my story. Specifically, my sexual abuse story which jsut happens to be the point in my life when my weight became an issue. While looking at this in a healing class, I was asked to consider that I might be angry. I couldn’t imagine being angry. I mean this happened 27 years ago! THe next day as I was thinking about my story and God’s role in it, my breath was taken away from me as I felt like I faced the worst betrayal of my life. I can only imagine how a husband or wife feels when they find their spouse has been cheating on them. My realization? My GOd, My SAvior, who pursues MY heart so fervently…so strongly desires that none perish, he is also pursuing my abusers heart. Oh secret poster, the angry devastation I felt! I cannot explain in words how strong the emotions were and still are at times. See, my abuser never got punished for his crime, and when I became a Christian, I stuffed this believing that it’s ok, cuz God would get him. But the reality and Truth is that GOd longs for his heart to be redeemed and transformed jsut as much as he longs for mine to be. Anger? I get that feeling, especially towards God. I write all this just so you know that whatever teh source of your anger, I can understand. ANd the amazing thing is…when I got really honest with GOd about the reality of my heart and actually called him some good strong names, God drew closer to me. See God longs for intimacy with us, and what is more intimate than raw, gut wrenching honesty. Your anger cannot push Him away. I tried it. But He also didn’t try to change my feelings either. All this happened jsut in Novemeber. He and I stil don’t have things worked out. Cuz I keep asking Him to stop pursuing this guy, but He refuses. But it is as though He is saying. Yeah, I get it, I understand your anger, but I cannot change who I am. I am always the same. and THAT is why I can trust Him. Grace and Peace to you Secret POster. May you find courage to be honest before God and may you experience His peace as He draws near to you!

    • 55 run4change
      January 26, 2009 at 12:31 am

      I don’t think I have anything to add to this absolutely beautiful display of raw human love for God and fellow human being. Thanks for this contribution and it will be a post in the morning.

  31. 56 Secret
    January 25, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    I want to lose weight overnight…and I know it’s impossible. I feel so depressed and am trying to fight it and not give up on my journey. I’m tired of yo-yo’ing. I want to disappear and lose weight then come back to reality.

    • 57 run4change
      January 26, 2009 at 12:18 am

      Oh yes I know this feeling all to well. Wanting to disappear, wanting to lose the weight instantly. YOu are not alone Secret # 34.

  32. 58 Secret Buddy
    January 25, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Thanks for your help and support. I really do want to come back but yet I am still afraid of failing again. Plus with all my whining and bad attitude I kind of feel like a hypocrite coming back and talking about healthy eating and exercise. I feel that I have probably lost the respect of other bloggers who have followed me. My thinking is this ” Why would they want to continue listening to what I have to say after all the negative comments and thinking that I have done lately.” What do I have to offer anymore? My goal was to try to help others out on their journey and I feel I have failed in that too.
    I am ashamed and embarrassed of how I acted, reacted and how I just about gave up.
    On a positive note.. Yesterday, being Sunday, I did eat clean and healthy all day. I did not deviate from my “program” all day. Stuck with it. Still haven’t been back at exercising and I hope to do that on Monday morning.
    I am so scared to coming back still! I feel that I haven’t earned that right to be on here yet.
    Either way THANKS (Slightly edited for anonymity’s sake)

    • 59 run4change
      January 26, 2009 at 12:29 am

      Secret buddy #35. There is no need to feel like a hypocrite. You have real feelings, you had a real situation, you had real weight loss journey. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you acted. You just got into a bad patch, now you are slowly emerging victorious. Now you are gaining ground again. This is exactly what people want to know. This “situation” is what people want to hear about because they are having their own “situation” and want to know that they are not crazy. They want to know that even though they feel like how you have been describing, that things will work out in the end. You are emerging Secret Buddy. I am blessed to hearing. What a victory. You may not think of it that way but it is. You felt and dealt with life in a real way and you are still moving. One foot in front of the other. Believe it or not, the two weeks prior to me starting this blog were the worst 2 weeks I had ever experienced in my life and the things you said were the exact same things that I was feeling at that point. And like you are doing now, I slowly emerged victorious. Great job Secret.

  33. 60 Secret
    January 26, 2009 at 2:36 am

    I sneak in bites of food while I am cooking and I am constantly looking at my husbands reflection in the picture above my stove to be sure he isn’t watching me. Most of the time I track the points that I “sneak” while cooking though. But its crazy that I can’t even wait to sit down for dinner before I start to eat. Also, I have done that thing where I buy food at the grocery store then eat it in the car so no one knows I ate it but God and me. Usually it’s a slice of Italian Cream Cake that is even packaged with a convenient plastic fork for easy access! Sad huh?

    • 61 run4change
      January 26, 2009 at 5:17 am

      Secret poster # 36, I totally get the sneak the bites thing. I find myself heading to the kitchen to eat some bites while looking over my shoulder to make sure my wife is thoroughly invloved in the movie. Thanks a lot for your contribution

  34. January 26, 2009 at 7:34 am

    # 35, Here is a thought. You WILL fail. Again and again. Embrace it my friend. Own it! Feel the failure. The question is, will you let one failure defeat you? WIll you really let it take you out of the game? The fact that you are posting your very raw struggles here tells me you are stronger than that. Your story, your struggles matter and is part of what others find so encouraging. Jason running a 50 miler is not what inspires me (sorry Jason) but rather the fact that he struggles daily with what to eat or not eat, that he he struggles to exercise, that he fails and then goes again, is why I come and check out what he is doing. I imagine that is why your blog fans come to yours as well! SO keep fighting through. Get up and go again and again. That is what grace is for!

    Jason, I don’t care if the posters know who I am on this one, same thing with my abuse story I shared. I didn’t fight through that battle to hide from it. I now own it fully and am willing to share any part of it, if it will enourage others!

  35. 64 Secret
    January 26, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    I threw up before my last weigh in. I was supposed to go out to dinner at this amazing restaurant the night before – had looked at the website and picked out exactly what I was going to get. When we got there they couldn’t seat us so we went to a nearby italian restaurant. I had no time to prepare, so I ate what I usually would – chicken parm. The whole thing. I got home and realized I had WI the next morning and that meal would most definitely affect it. So I threw up.

    I was mortified that I would ever think to do that. I never have before and never will again. It made me realize just how weak I am and how much I live by that scale. How much it scares me. I know it will never happen again … I can’t even imagine ever feeling the way I did that night. But I still hate myself for it.

    • 65 run4change
      January 26, 2009 at 4:52 pm

      It is hard to admit that. Great job on letting it out of the bag. I will admit that 100’s of times I have considered the following before a weigh in:
      1. Laxatives
      2. Throwing up.
      3. Getting naked
      4. Going in a sauna (did it many times, got like 5 lbs off fast, but gained it back the next time of course)
      5. Not eating anything for 2 days.
      The scale will tempt us to do many of these things that won’t help us in the long run. Good job on not doing it anymore and getting it out in the open.

  36. 66 Secret
    January 26, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    This is how I feel inside. I am scared about letting my hurts and thoughts out.

    Through the fish eyed lens of tear stained eyes, i can barely define the shape of this moment in time.
    And far from flying high in clear blue skies, i’m spiralling down into the hole in the ground where i hide
    If you negotiate the minefield in the drive and beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes
    and if you make it past the shotgun in the hal; dial the combination. open the priesthole and if i’m in i’ll tell you what’s behind the wall….

    And if i show you my dark side, will you still hold me tonight, If i open my heart to you and show you my weak side, what would you do? Would you sell your story to rolling stone or would you take the children away and leave me alone. And then smile in reassurance as you whisper down the phone. Would you send me packing or would you take me home. I thought i oughta bare my naked feelings,thought i oughta tear the curtain down

    I want to let more out but it scares me. I scares me to share with people about how I feel fat and insecure

    • 67 run4change
      January 26, 2009 at 6:38 pm

      Thanks a lot for sharing Secret person. Those are some intense words that you wrote. I often don’t want to let people in either, but this blogging has really helped me in this area. Thanks for sharing.

  37. 68 Secret
    January 27, 2009 at 11:57 am

    In high school, I used to chew massive amounts of food, and then instead of purging, I would just spit them out. I was afraid that if I actually threw up, I would be doing something wrong…but wasting food by chewing and then spitting it out while seated with a trash can didn’t make me feel like there was a problem. When I get desperate, sometimes I still do it.

    • 69 run4change
      January 27, 2009 at 12:23 pm

      Thank you for sharing Secret Person. Your open honesty will help others ad bring hope. Thanks a lot. I have on a rare occasion taken bites and then spit them out. But I never really chewed the bites. It was kinda like I changed my mind at the last second. I am certain that others deal with this same issue, as it is common among us with food issues.

  38. 70 Secret
    January 29, 2009 at 9:11 am

    I decided to apply for The BIggest Loser again. I have only done this once before. But this time I have a friend who is a professional film maker/editor who wants to do my audition video for me. He told me last night I need to bring “weigh in” clothes like they wear on teh show to be filmed in. I am terrified of this part. I can do the challenges, resist the temptations, and battle off teh weight. Not scared of Bob or Jillian at all…Bring it on actually….but standing before even a couple friends who love me unconditionally or on national television in a sports bra and spandex is terrifying…makes me wanna go eat something….but I won’t…I swear it!

    • 71 run4change
      January 29, 2009 at 9:14 am

      hahaha, not to make light of your secret at all. But I understand completely. I almost would rather let strangers see my loose fatty fats than my closest friends. But then again, maybe not 🙂

  39. 72 Secret
    January 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    I use everything as an excuse to rationalize my failures.
    I have a demanding job (who doesn’t?!?)
    I have stress (who doesn’t?!?)
    I’m tired (who isn’t?!?)

    I will use any excuse in the book to justify not doing right by myself so that, when I don’t do right by myself, I can excuse it.
    (circular logic — I hope it makes sense)

  40. 75 Secret
    January 31, 2009 at 6:00 am

    I am feeling tired. I always want to eat junk or just stopp watching what I eat when I am tired. It takes to much energy to eat right. i want to go to the drive through and not think about making the good decisions.

  41. 77 Secret
    January 31, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    I just wanted to thank you for responding to my post (#38). I’ve thought a lot about your comments this week. We get so caught up in the scale as the only proof of success that the thought of it NOT showing us what we want to see is terrifying. The thought that I would do something so drastic just to feel better is scary. I went to my weigh in this morning and gained 1.2 lbs. I knew that would happen. How could it not? Even if I did lose some on my own this week, my loss from last week (5.2lbs!) was not because I truly lost it, but because I forced it.
    When I saw my 1.2 this week I actually felt relieved! It proved to me that what I did didn’t help. That it came back to bite me and that the only way to truly see success on this program and in weight loss in general is to take everything for what it is … every loss, every gain, every success, and every failure. My gain today set me straight and I’m more motivated than ever to keep going … in a healthy way.

    • 78 run4change
      January 31, 2009 at 11:54 pm

      Secret person, I am so blessed that you were encouraged by my response to #38. It is just so true isn’t it, how much that scale means to our hearts. We just want that number so bad sometimes it makes us think a little outside of how we should be thinking. What you did, and what I did, that is behind us now and we can move on in healthier ways. Great job Secret.

  42. 79 secret
    February 2, 2009 at 8:37 am

    I used to give myself away to guys because i thought that they would like me for it. I was scared because I looked to fat. I also used to never want to eat in front of people because it embarrased me.

    • 80 run4change
      February 2, 2009 at 8:45 am

      Thanks a lot for sharing that with us Secret. I hope that you journey continues to improve your self-image. Have a great day. I too have relied on unhealthy relationships to make me feel better.

  43. 81 secret
    February 2, 2009 at 8:38 am

    When Iam eating at home sometimes, I hurry and hide the food if I hear anyone coming. That way they don’t know that I have eaten anything.

    • 82 run4change
      February 2, 2009 at 8:50 am

      I totally have done and still do this sometimes. I actually have found myself running out of the kitchen so that I wasn’t even there when my wife came in.

  44. 83 Secret
    February 2, 2009 at 9:48 am

    I’m scared that if I really do lose weight this time, that my stomach will sag so much I’ll wish I was still fat. My stretch marks from pregnancy are horrible and the fat helps keep that skin somewhat filled in. I think I’m sabotaging myself because of it.

    • 84 run4change
      February 2, 2009 at 9:51 am

      I really get this!. I will never be pregnant, but I have stretch marks on my stomach and I absolutely hate them with a passion. I prefer the lose skin over the dang stretch marks. I will say this though Secret Person, it is well worth it to lose the weight. you will feel so much better even if you feel a little bad about the loose skin.

  45. 85 secret
    February 2, 2009 at 9:55 am

    When my husband is in bed at night, I get up and eat ALOT of snacks and sit at the computer. I also lie about going to work out and then I go out to eat instead.

  46. 87 Secret
    February 2, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    I want to eat an entire key lime pie right now. With my hands.

    • 88 run4change
      February 2, 2009 at 2:50 pm

      I love to eat with my hands and if you look through the posts, you will see that I also struggle with pie 🙂

  47. 89 Secret
    February 2, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    My trainer who has been an instrumental part of my weight loss journey and how has inspired me , had faith in me and who has become my mentor and good friend, is moving to another state and will no longer be my trainer. We have built this bond and now it just won’t be the same without him there encouraging and motivating me. I don’t think I can do this without him. It’s like losing a member of the family. He has done so much for me and now as I am fit to accomplish my goals he won’t be there to celebrate my new victories. I just can’t stop crying.. I want to just eat the pain away!!!

    • 90 run4change
      February 2, 2009 at 2:49 pm

      You CAN do it. The wonderful thing about your trainer is that they taught you. They didn’t do it for you. You actually did all the work, they were a guide of sorts. Now you can see, you maybe wooble around a bit at first not having a guide even though you can see, but soon you will be walking just fine. THanks secret person for sharing

  48. 91 Angela
    February 2, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    I wanted to say to secret #50/comment#88 that I too ‘lost’ my trainer and I was crushed. Isaac and I had formed an emotional bond, and I truly felt that he cared about me. After a few days, Suzana approached me and said she wanted to be my trainer. I refused. But she kept after me. What I finally realized is that while I had imagined reaching my goals with Isaac, but I had to push on because I wasn’t doing this for him. I went to that first appointment with Suzana, and confessed that I wasn’t happy about losing him, and that I might have a ‘tude’ for a while. She was very understanding. The point of all this rambling, is that Suzana was actually the best thing for me. I didn’t need a buddy. I needed a butt kicker. I have lost 3 times more weight with her than I did with Isaac, in half the time. I know it’s hard, but give a new trainer a chance. As hard as it is to imagine, you may find someone that you love even more. Hugs.

    • 92 run4change
      February 2, 2009 at 7:13 pm

      Thanks for your loving contribution Angela. It is wonderful that your experience can speak to another’s. Thanks again. You rock!!! 🙂

  49. 93 Secret
    February 3, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    You know what.. I just don’t care anymore. Sick and tired of it all.This so called journey is journey to hell if you ask me! Well not worth it. What’s the purpose? I think I have decided to just be who I am and accept me for what I am. If others don’t like it, well you know what they can do….

    • 94 run4change
      February 3, 2009 at 3:33 pm

      It is important to come to a place of self-acceptance that is for sure. In fact, we have to come to that place before we can grow because are not who we aren’t. Or in other words. We are who we are. It is good to improve, but we are still the same person who only changes little by little. I am glad that you have decided to accept yourself for what/who you are. You certainly don’t have to be any different if you don’t want too, but I bet that you want to improve. Maybe you just think you are not improving enough. Or maybe you think you are not like someone else. Not sure Secret Person. But being in a place where you have given up and decided to accept yourself is huge. You can’t just accept the person who you want to be, you have to accept the person who you are right now. Thanks for sharing

  50. 95 Secret
    February 3, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    I chew and spit out my food, and I thought that I could stop eventually but it’s become an emotional crutch of sorts and I tried stopping last week and lasted 3 days.. and kept thinking about doing it. I really want to stop because it’s just stupid, and wasteful and makes me feel so weak.

    • 96 run4change
      February 3, 2009 at 9:32 pm

      I certainly understand desiring to stop something that I am doing. Destructive things that I keep doing even when I don’t want to. thanks for sharing Secret Person

  51. 97 Secret Whiner
    February 4, 2009 at 8:22 am

    I wonder if it is possible to do this. Can it really lose the weight? Can I really keep it off? Can I really get and stay healthy for the rest of my life? I am tired of these thoughts and fears. I want it to be easy. I want it to be like it is for those people who can eat what they want and never get fat. I don’t want to work this hard. I just don’t know if I will succeed.

  52. 99 Secret
    February 6, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    I am just an addict. It does not matter what it is. I hate it. I wish I could be like normal people. I bite and I am set off. If I have one drink I will be set off. On and On. this sucks royally.

    • 100 run4change
      February 6, 2009 at 10:40 pm

      Thanks for the secret confession. I am very much like this too. More than you probably know. I really appreciate that you shared this. It will help many

  53. 101 Secret
    February 7, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Sometimes I think I’m afraid of succeeding. I’m afraid of the unknown. Or maybe I’m afraid of the known. I haven’t always been heavy, but I have been heavy for the past 15 year. I know what to expect as a fat person. I know how to react to people. What will my life be like if I’m fit and trim? Will my old strategies still help me navigate through life? Will I know what to expect? Will I know how to react?

    I think this is on some level tied to the fact that there is a part of me that thinks I don’t deserve it. I have so many good things in my life, but the fat is the one thing standing in between me and the one or two things I really want in my life–or is it? Maybe I’m scared to succeed because then I will know that the reason I don’t have a husband or a family has nothing to do with my fat being unattractive, but that I as a person–the core of who I am whether fat or thin–is unattractive and unworthy of love.

    Geez. Now I’m crying. 🙂 Thanks for the outlet.

    • 102 run4change
      February 7, 2009 at 10:28 am

      THAT, is a wonderful secret to share. I am certain that many will relate to it. I have felt this way too. i could blame just about everything that I did attain because I was fat. After losing my weight what the heck could I make an excuse with. You are worthy of love, respect, and appreciation. You will react and go through things even better as you lose the weight and gain the confidence that says, “Yeah, I am attractive. I am going to do this or that. I do deserve to be loved and I am lovable.” Thanks secret person

  54. February 7, 2009 at 10:39 am

    Secret poster #55,

    I soo get where you are coming from. The reality though is, is that God doesn’t make junk. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. Nothing that God creates is unworthy or unloveable. You are special and worthy and MORE THAN ENOUGH, jsut because you were created….whether you are fat or thin! I can’t say don’t be afraid, because I am afraid of that sme thing all teh time….but don’t let the fear stand in teh way of your dreams for you!

  55. 105 Secret
    February 9, 2009 at 7:13 am

    I create sabotaging situations to justify the days that I don’t feel like “being a Weight Watcher.” I wanted to go to Denny’s yesterday and eat a humongous slam breakfast, so I intentionally put myself in an emotional wounding situation, where I knew I would get very hurt, and be able to justify eating a 38 point breakfast, all to myself. And I did it. I don’t need any enemies because I have my biggest enemy right here within me at all times!

    • 106 run4change
      February 9, 2009 at 7:14 am

      Wow Secret Person, that is a very deep understaning of youself. That is good. I can now see that I have done the same thing many times when I look back overtime. Thanks for sharing

  56. 107 Secret
    February 10, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    I am afraid to lose weight, because of my “behavior”. In the past when I have been thin, I havent made very good choices in regards to relationships. I am married and a Christian…so this presents a real problem. Today, I am claiming victory over this pattern in my life ~ knowing that I can be fit/healthy and healthy in my relationships too.

    • 108 run4change
      February 10, 2009 at 1:25 pm

      Dear Secret Person,
      I am also a Christian as you might have figured out from my new life page if you have seen it. I understand those fears. It is good that you voice them and don’t allow the evil one to eat you up alive with that inner world. Claiming victory is the best thing you can do as Christ has already given you the victory and everything you need to live a Godly life. Keep up the good fight and thanks for sharing.

  57. 109 Secret
    February 10, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    I am afraid I might be an addict. I was talking to some friends about how I have lied about food, hidden food, put relationships at risk over food, and go quiet or non-specific when struggling etc, and one friend quietly said, that is what addicts do. I don’t want to be an addict, but it seems more true than not. Being an addict means that the hope I had of one day not having to be ever so diligent is no longer. This battle really will be life long and will never stop. That sounds impossible to keep up with and is overwhelming. FOr now, I am not an addict, but I am afraid I might be.

    • 110 run4change
      February 10, 2009 at 1:31 pm

      Secret teller, I am 100% an addict. I know this to be very true for me. You may do some addictive things and you may or may not be an addict, but that does not mean that all hope is lost or that the journey is impossible or that it will end in failure. If you are an addict, it simply means that you know the truth and are willing to accept what you are capable of doing in regards to food, etc. Alcohol is a problem for me. I have 4 years without it, but I will NEVER forget what I am capable of doing with it. I am very rarely even tempted a tiny bit to drink. But when I am, I remember what I am capable of doing if I start up again. I am capable of ruining my marriage, my own life, drink until I am dead with no job or friends around. This same thing goes for food. I am winning the battle over being emotionally and mentally addicted to food, but I know what can happen if I throw all caution out. I will be 300+ in no time flat. Thank you for sharing. You comfort me with your confession as I can identify with it. Thanks. keep up the fight and just realize that addict or not, we all have to use due dilegence with out food to maintain a healthy weight. The overweight people just don’t tend to do this automatically like the naturally skinny ones do.

  58. 111 secret
    February 11, 2009 at 8:52 am

    I’m talking to someone that is not my spouse and thinking of getting together with them for dinner. Some of the talk is not appropriate since I am married, but this person says what I need to hear from my spouse that I am not hearing right now, so I have been enjoying it. I know I should not get together with them, but it is tempting. I wish I was just being tempted by food and not this situation. I will be talking to my spouse soon about some issues that need to be addressed, so hopefully it can be worked out.

    • 112 run4change
      February 11, 2009 at 9:01 am

      OK my secret friend. One thing about these types of situations is that the enticing appeal of a relationship without responsibilities appears strong. In our marriages, we have to pay bills, do laundry, clean, do this and do that, talk this way and talk that way in regards to our spouse. New people, outsiders, don’t have responsibility for us nor do we have responsibility for them. This is exciting on the surface, but this is how it was with the spouse too. No matter what, the closer and more real a relationship becomes the more responsibility is added also. So going with the outsider is just a false sense if freedom. Even if you did end up going to that person and leaving another, the responsibility would be there to.

      I plead with you not to go. There is nothing wrong with talking at times, but the only way to truly conquer these situations is to not be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don’t trust your flesh, don’t trust your own wisdom to be able to deal with the temptation. We are only human. I make it a strict rule that I don’t go anywhere or do anything with a woman without my wife unless it is my sisters or mom. I don’t trust myself. This is not a bad thing, but I know how you feel about how it is nice to get what you want without responsibility from someone who is not your spouse. I don’t trust human nature with the opposite sex. Anyway, hope this is helpful and not to lectury, but it truly is not worth it.

  59. 113 Secret
    February 11, 2009 at 9:33 am

    I recently found your site and get so encouraged reading it! This is my first post. 🙂

    I don’t have problems with my weight except when I am pregnant. Each time I have packed on 60 pounds (I have 5 children). I normally loose it within a year or so. But I have this fear of food. And surprisingly it started in my teens, before ever having kids. I also cant see myself as ok because I still have parts of me that I think are fat even though I am in the normal weight range. I think about food constantly. I fight with wanting to eat and being too afraid that I will get fatter. I hate feeling like I am out of control but I am sometimes with food. Especially sugar. I am a sugar addict. I can’t stop thinking about it until I eat it all! And I tell myself that I might as well just eat the whole thing and get it over with. :O I might eat half a bag of chocolate chips! But I can keep my weight about the same. Not because I eat correctly, though. I might binge on something then skip meals or eat really well for a day or so to make up for it. I also run. Anyways thank you for this site. It is really encouraging!

    • 114 run4change
      February 11, 2009 at 9:39 am

      Thank you for your support and comment. I love it and I am so glad that I am not the only one who can eat half a bag of chocolate chips. HAHA 🙂

  60. 115 secret
    February 11, 2009 at 9:43 am

    only milk chocolate, though. semi sweet give me a headache. 🙂

  61. 117 Support for Poster #59
    February 11, 2009 at 10:10 am

    I would like to give some love and support to Poster #59. That sure is a tempting situation, isn’t it? It’s so nice to feel wanted in such a way. I have been married for going on 16 years and have been in similar situations more than once. Luckily, I chose to walk the other way – towards my husband. However, when I was tempted, it made me face up to whatever the problem was at the time. I was honest with my feelings, letting my spouse know that I had been tempted and we worked out the issue, and I am so glad for it because we now have a rocking marriage! I hope you will also overcome the temptation and work things out. I am sending strength and wisdom your way!

  62. 120 Secret
    February 11, 2009 at 10:19 am

    This is for Secret Poster #59…
    I understand real well what you are going through. I did the same thing, even though I was not married. What i did was even worse. You see I am a man and got attention from other guys that I wasn’t getting from the opposite sex. I was overweight at the time and had some really bad self esteem issues and once I started getting the attention that I was looking for it didn’t matter who it was from. I did what I did out of grattification that I needed at that time. I won’t go into detail on what i did, but it wasn’t good, at least by many peoples standards and if Jason doesn’t post this I don’t blame him. What I did was not really moral. What it boils down to is that with any desires whether food, drinking or having desires of the flesh. What’s important is that you remove yourself from the situation that allowed you to get into this. You have to find the strength inside to overcome all desires. Talking about your feelings with your spouse is a good start. Relay your feelings to him and talk things out before it is to late. Plus know that we are here for support and guidance but it’s you that needs to do what is best for you.

  63. 121 Secret
    February 11, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Hey Secret Poster #59 here. Thanks so far for the support. Jason I don’t know what I would do without this website. This idea was genius. I would just have let this eat away at me and now I am able to talk about it openly and not get judged. People in my circle are quick to judge especially when it comes to matters like this. I appreciate you all. For those of you who have responded and have dealt with this, was it hard to walk away? I know I need to walk away. It’s just going to be hard. Luckily, we’ve only been chatting online. We knew each other years ago, reunited through FACEBOOK (don’t join if you haven’t. It’s a time sucker and a temptation), and just started talking about going out. It’s going to be hard. Keep the love and support coming. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet.

  64. 123 Secret
    February 11, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Secret Poster #59 reporting in.
    I just wanted to let everyone know that I just told the other person we cannot talk anymore. They understood and respected me, and my wishes. For those of you that pray, please pray for me. I’m crying and didn’t realize just how hard this would be, but I know it is the right thing. I think that part of it being hard is that fact that you have to face that there is something wrong in your marriage. That’s the hardest part of all. This has been a long stressful day for me and I must tell you all I wanted to do was eat. I chewed on a big wad of gum all day and wanted to pig out at McDonald’s, but didn’t. I ended up at SUBWAY getting a foot long, only eating 6 inches and putting the other half away for work tomorrow, so in the midst of all this pain I still made healthy decisions. At least there’s a silver lining somewhere in all this. Anyway, good night. Thanks again for all the love and support. It really got me through this MAJOR temptation in my life.

    Jason I was thinking another page you could do is a VICTORY page. Me not eating today and making it to Subway instead of McDonald’s was a HUGE victory. Just like the secret page where we list secrets on the Victory page you could list your victories. I was so proud of myself that I wanted to yell in the parking lot at the top of my lungs about what I had just done. Anyway, just a thought.

    • 124 run4change
      February 11, 2009 at 8:36 pm

      Well done my friend. Well done. You did it. You followed the straight path that leads to life. I am so proud of you and know it must have been hard but that makes it all the sweeter. I will pray.:)

  65. 125 Secret
    February 12, 2009 at 4:08 am

    Secret Poster #59 here.

    Good Morning. I just wanted to thank everyone again for their support. I was able to get to sleep right away and probably have the best night sleep in a long time.

    I feel like a new person and like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my back. Again, I appreciate everyone here and Jason I really appreciate all you do to help, encourage, and inspire us. you are a true friend.

    • 126 run4change
      February 12, 2009 at 5:21 am

      THanks for sharing your victory with us. I am going to do a post that will let everyone know that you got the victory. Thanks secret person

  66. 127 Secret
    February 12, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Thanks Jason. I got the victory, but still having a hard time. Keep the prayers coming. I’m sad this evening. I’m off to personal training. Maybe I can work through this at the gym.

    • 128 run4change
      February 12, 2009 at 3:24 pm

      You certainlly can and will work through it Secret Person. Keep up the good work. I know it is hard but you did awesome.

  67. 129 Secret
    February 12, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Hey Secret Poster #59 again. Sorry to keep posting. Talk with spouse did not go well tonight. I feel like I’m sinking into a depression. I know I did the right thing by walking away from the other person, but I tell you tonight made me want to walk right back. I’m trying. Still not eating my way through this like I would have done in the past, so at least I have that victory. I’m hurting so badly.

    • 130 run4change
      February 12, 2009 at 9:54 pm

      I am so sorry that you are hurting. You are going to make it through secret friend. You will make it through.

  68. 131 Secret
    February 13, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    My life sucks right now and all I want to do is eat, but I’m not, but a lot of crap is running through my head and I don’t know what to do with it all. I have gotten bad news 5 days out of the last 6. I cannot take anymore. I’m heading to the gym to try and work it out, but I’m depressed. I have no secret to share just frustration, anger, sadness, and worry. I cannot control some things that are about to be put on my plate, but they will affect my life deeply and that sucks. I do not want to have to deal with these issues, but they are going to have to be dealt with.

    • 132 run4change
      February 13, 2009 at 6:17 pm

      THanks for sharing secret person. looks like you have a lot comin at ya. Stay strong. I get depressed often too.

  69. February 13, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Hey #59,

    Things always get worse before tehy get better. As you walk this journey, no matter how hard and difficult it gets, you can be confident that as you do the right thing continuously it will get better. It jsut may not look like what you want it to look like at first, and it may take more than a couple conversations.

  70. 135 Secret
    February 13, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    # 59,

    I also wanted to add, I have been talking to a friend tonight who has talked to his wife 5 times in teh last 4 months. It has been incredibly painful and reconciliation and restoration has not looked like he hoped it would. It has not been quick or easy. It has been a long hard process as they work through their pain and hurts. It has been painful to watch. Yet hopeful, as I watch this man do the next right thing that will demonstrate his love for his wife, regardless of her response and regardless of his feelings in teh moment. Tonight he got a glimmer of hope when she called him to tell him “I love you” and to tell him what was going on for her.

    Press on my friend. The journey is long and hard. Owning your part in where your marriage is at (which it sounds like you have done) is the best you can do.

    • 136 run4change
      February 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm

      Thank’s Secret contributor. You help is appreciated much and it will bring miraculous change. Thanks a lot.

  71. 137 My dirty little secret
    February 15, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Warning: Adult material ahead…

    I am a female who had an addiction to porn. I mention female because in my mind most porn addicts are males (no disrespect to you guys). It started out with just watching it with my husband for kicks and then turned into a full-blown addiction for me. I had a bag of “goodies” that I would stash in the closet – DVDs and sex toys – I had quite the collection. It went so far as having to leave work to come home to release the pressure. I even rented a hotel room all to myself because I couldn’t get enough of it. When that wasn’t enough, I convinced myself that I was a lesbian from watching all the girl-on-girl action. I placed an ad, screened some hopefuls and met one of the ladies in person. I also tried to get my husband to participate in a threesome. He wasn’t having it. All along I was communicating most of this to my husband, who told me repeatedly he was sure it was another one of my “phases” and that I would snap out of it. Turns out, he was so right because I eventually wised up before I caused permanent damage in my marriage and my life.

    The reason I bring it up now is because it’s been well over 3 years that I’ve been able to let this side of me go, that is until today. I took a bubble bath for the first time since then because that is one place I would go to release the addiction and all those feelings came back again. I didn’t act on the feelings, but now my mind is flooded with images. I realize it is just a self-medication technique, which I replaced with food for a while. Now that I am stressed with some things in my life, I need something again and it’s not going to be food.

    • 138 run4change
      February 15, 2009 at 5:56 pm

      Secret Person. I am so thankful that you shared. These are not easy things to share but I am glad that the secret page could be a place that you could let it out and find some comfort. I can identify with this because I have addiction problems too. All the things you mentioned: the isolationism, the hiding, the aloneness, the every seeking of satisfaction but never being satisfied, the telling about to other and them not understanding, the potential for a ruined marriage, the medicating with the addiction.

      Secret person, I truly can say I KNOW!! Alcohol is my big deal. I have not drank in over 4 years, but it almost took my life, my marriage, my relationship with God, and everything else of true value. I pray that things will come out ok for you. No judgement here. Just love and understanding.

      All I can say is I so so so so understand. You are not alone, not by a long shot. There are many of us but we are one also. Thanks again

  72. 139 Secret
    February 15, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    #59 here. I must admit I have talked to the other person a few times since saying I had victory, but today I took the person off my facebook friendship list for good. Now I have real victory over it and today I feel very good about it not sad. I had a breakthrough about it at the gym this evening. Thanks.

  73. 141 Secret
    February 16, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    I’ve been single and celibate for over 8 years. For much of that time I was 100 lbs overweight and deeply believed that once I lost the weight I’d be desirable again. I’m a bit of a control freak, but am reasonably bright, funny, attractive, and interesting otherwise. So, I lost 105 lbs. only to be completely ignored on all of the online dating sites I tried. A friend, who I’ve had this “thing” for (for years) came to my home for a visit and suddenly hit on me, which ended up with the two of us in bed. Afterwards she went to the guest room like nothing ever happened and made some comments the next day to the tune of “whoa! if I had known it would be that good, I would have done that years ago.” I was in complete and total shock. After she left she didn’t spoke of it again…This friend and I have discussed my attraction/feelings for YEARS, but obviously didn’t think it would cause me any distress?! So, what did I do? Started eating. I felt the most awful overwhelming sadness that the reason that no one wants me is WORSE THAN not wanting to be with a giant fat lady…They didn’t/don’t want ME. I started re-gaining the weight that month and have suceeded in packing on 45 lbs over the past year and a half…Honestly, I’m not sure I can “take” the concept that I’m unlovable.

    • 142 run4change
      February 17, 2009 at 6:22 am

      I am sorry that you are/were feeling hurt Secret Person. I have felt similar and so have other readers who have contacted me. The big fear seems to be that when we are big we feel like we have a “reason” why people don’t like us, but when we lose the weight that reason is no longer viable. But in the end, we are who we are, and there are people who love us that way. Just the way we are. Most importantly is no matter what other people think or see, we need to be healthy for ourselves first and formost. I do completely understand the fear of being unlovable. I do get that way at times still.

  74. 143 Secret
    February 17, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    This secret seems so silly compared to all the major ones on here, but I received one of those big solid Hershey Kisses on Valentine’s Day. I had all the intentions of giving it away. Had a great workout at the gym. Was starving on the way home and almost ate the whole thing. My stomach hurts now. I threw the rest away as soon as I was home in the outside garbage. Very frustrated at myself, but it’s done and I must move on. I”m going to make myself some veggies and hope I don’t throw up.

    • 144 run4change
      February 17, 2009 at 12:44 pm

      No secret, no confession is too small to post on the secret page. Anything that someone needs to let out should be posted. It has brought liberty to you already. Great job on letting it out. To tell you the truth, my mouth watered when I read your secret. I have done this post-workout yummy consumption a many a times.

  75. 145 sick and tired
    February 20, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    I at McDonald’s today and hid the garbage so no one would know. UGH!! I even had apples in my car. It’s the same thing that happened with the Hershey’s kiss incident. I had something healthy in the car, but still chose the crap. I need this to stop. It’s driving me nuts. Thanks for letting me get this out.

    • 146 run4change
      February 21, 2009 at 4:43 am

      I usually use that tactic if I decide to go for it with the junk food too. Last night I went out to eat with my dad and I went outside of my points.

  76. 147 Secret
    February 27, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    I have a partner that I do weight watchers with. She tells me what she wants when I am going to subway so that I can pick her up something while I am there. I lie to her about what I got her and how many points is in it. I put a lot of mayo, olives, cheese, and oil on it. I secretly don’t want her to do good.

    • 148 run4change
      February 27, 2009 at 2:04 pm

      We all have our own little rivalry’s I guess. I have lied in similar ways too. Thanks for sharing secret person

  77. 149 Comment to Poster #68
    March 1, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Uh, no! This is terrible. You are sabotaging your WW partner’s success. Why? This is not a case of friendly competition, but real low-down dirty shame going on. You need to stop doing this immediately and come clean. I have to also question why your partner has not picked up on this yet. This person needs to also own up and take responsibility for what she is really eating. Perhaps ya’ll are both being blinded by your own reasons of insecurity. I encourage you to stop this behavior now if you want to be truly successful long-term. Find another way to compete. Please!!!

    • 150 run4change
      March 1, 2009 at 11:00 am

      Thank you secret commentator. I have to agree with you. Not a good way to go for the long term personal health or friendship. The friend should also not really on in the Secret Person to calculate points. Have a good day

  78. 151 Secret
    March 9, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    I’m feeling like giving up on the whole weight loss thing today. I feel fat and I feel down and don’t know why. I promised myself I would not get fast food today,but I did. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m tired of trying.

    • 152 run4change
      March 9, 2009 at 6:04 pm

      Oh Secret Person. You are gonna be alright. We have all just went out and eaten fast food to medicate ourselves. Just get back on track tonight or at the latest tomorrow. It is not the end of it. Keep on fighting and you WILL make it to the finish line.

  79. 153 secret
    March 12, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I bought myself a box of Girl Scout cookies, telling myself that I’d freeze most of them and only let myself have them on a once a month basis. Well I fell off the band wagon and ate the whole box three weeks later! I felt awful, guilty, and had the worst stomach ache!

    • 154 run4change
      March 13, 2009 at 5:00 am

      Been there for sure. Looks like you may have fibbed to yourself. The best thing to do is donate the money but leave the cookies. That is what I do know for these types of charity drives. Thanks for sharing you secret. I could box after box of the peanut butter and chocolate kind.

  80. 155 Secret
    March 14, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Even though I found your most recent post very enlightening, informative and insightful there just comes a time when enough is enough and a person just can’t take in anymore. That’s were I am today. I have been working my butt off all week and for what, to gain 7.5 pounds. What’s with that. Oh you say you’re eating wasn’t on track, well it was and I thought the week was going well. It just shows you that hard work, doesn’t pay off so why continue fighting something that you can’t win at. I’m tired of it all, I really am exhausted both physically and mentally that I can’t deal with it anymore and for me the only correct decision is to throw in the towel. Will this make me happy, to be truthful YES! no more worrying about this or that, no more trying to set standards that can’t be met, no more hassles with having to go to the gym. Sounds like paradise to me.

    • 156 run4change
      March 14, 2009 at 4:09 pm

      That does sound like paradise Secret Person. I think you are totally right that is sounds like paradise. Except you forgot one tiny thing. THE GUILT!! You will feel like crap every day if you stop now and stay overweight or gain it back. I am not sure where you are at in the journey but going back to the starting weight and higher is not paradise at all. If it were, you never would have started the journey in the first place. Hard work and hard choices do pay. They just don’t have to pay off in the way you exactly want them too. I don’t know what you did in the last week, but something happened. Maybe you were dehydrated and drank 7.5 of water. If you worked so hard, maybe you have serious muscular edema and you body just held water. Maybe you gained some muscle. Maybe you gained fat. I don’t know, and you won’t either unless you keep on going.

  81. March 14, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    #71 Please don’t give up. I was just where you were and still am thinking about a lot of it. I had a horrible day with my coach, I only lost .4 pounds at Weight Watchers today after a week of working hard. I know what everyone says, “At least you lost. Blah, blah, blah.” I want you to know that this is just a bad week. It is what it is, it’s in your past. I don’t know how old you are, if you have kids or what, but what I want to share with you is that my mom died at age 53 from being obese. I was only 23. That is the worst thing that I could have ever gone through. Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel I picture her dead, those last images I have of her after a horrible disease ran through her body and all she was was skin and bones and then it makes me remember why I am doing this. I do not want to die young and I do not want my family to go through what I went through. Please don’t throw in the towel yet. Please email me if you want I was right where you were on Thursday night. I sent Jason an email a lot like your secret post. I want to be here for you. I”m still at a tough spot. Go to my blog. Read my post from Thursday. I wrote it right as I was ready to give up. You’ll see my post from today. It says I lost .4 pounds. Yay!! That Yay was forced because I actually hate that I only lost .4, but I’m trying to get into a more positive mind set, but I’m ticked and honestly thought about quitting today, but a friend from Weight Watchers helped me and so did Jason. I hope that you have a support system. you cannot do it alone.

    I have one question. There was a week that I gained almost 10 pounds at a Weight Watchers weigh in. I realized it was because I had gone on a medicine for my back. Do you have any change in your medications or have you gone on some new medications recently? That was just a thought to explain such a weight loss.

    Please hang in there and I’m here for you. Melissa

    Here is my email: http://www.mommymeepa@aol.com
    My blog: http://www.mommymeepa.blogspot.com

  82. March 15, 2009 at 4:52 am

    Jason thanks for finding and posting my comment.

    #71 How are you feeling today? I hope things are going a little better. I felt better after sleeping on it when I was upset on Thursday. I realized that I have come so far and that I wasn’t happy at my heaviest and that I don’t want to die young, so I figured out that the positives definitely outweigh the negatives of this journey. Being able to be more active with my kids, starting to see my health issues change, just feeling better all the way around. YOU CAN DO IT!! YOU DESERVE IT!! YOU WILL OVERCOME THIS BAD WEEK!! YOU WILL SUCCEED!!

    I was focusing way too much on my big goal. I have lost 34, but have 96 more to go. I was focusing on that so much that my mind was telling me that 34 was nothing. My new goals are every 5 pounds. Right now I have one more pound to hit my next 5 pound goal and then I will reset my goal to lose 5 more pounds. I cannot picture my big goal or I get too down on myself. Set some small goals for yourself. I also have a big goal of running a marathon someday. I cannot even run a mile right now let alone 26.2. I have changed my goal now. My goal now is to be able to run a 5k (3.1 miles) after that I will set my goal for a 10k, then a 1.2 marathon, and then finally the whole thing. This is hard for me to do, but I feel so much more relaxed now that I’ve taken this approach. It was with help from Jason and my friend Dave that I have come to the conclusion that I cannot have my big goals in mind right now. Just wanted to share this with you in case it helps.

    I also want you to know that I’m praying for you. I want to be here for you. I understand if you take some time to figure it all out, but just know you don’t have to be alone in all this.

    Take care my friend. Melissa

    • 159 run4change
      March 15, 2009 at 6:08 am

      Melissa, I always made 5 lbs my goal too. You know the WW stars. I really looked forward to my 5 lb stars.

    • 160 Secret
      March 15, 2009 at 11:24 am

      Not any better than before! This time is different… It’s not worth it and yes I do need to be alone. It’s what works for me!

  83. March 17, 2009 at 3:35 am

    #71 I will continue to pray for you. I know from experience how hard this is, so do believe me when I say I understand. I really do. We want to help you, but ultimately it has got to be your decision. Please feel free to email me anytime. You want to be alone right now that’s fine just please reach out if you need it. Thanks for sharing with us. That took a lot of courage. You will be in my prayers daily. I think of you often. Take care, Melissa
    mommymeepa@aol.com

  84. March 26, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Hey #71. Just thought I’d check in and say hi and see how you are doing? I hope that things have gotten a little better for you. It’s not an easy journey, but the health benefits totally outweigh staying overweight. I hope that you have found someone you can talk to there and I hope that you are able to work through this. It is hard. I battle it everyday. I will battle this the rest of my life, but it is worth it. My doctor checkups are better, I have more energy with my kids, and I’m able to do lots of things I wasn’t able to do before. I hope that you will soon see this and reach out to us for the support that it takes. We are all on this journey together. We’ve all been where you are at. I’m still here for you if you ever want to talk.

    Email: mommymeepa@aol.com

    Take care and know that you don’t have to be alone.

    I think of you often and pray for you often too.

    Take care,
    Melissa

  85. 164 ItsASecret
    April 7, 2009 at 9:31 am

    I gained this week. I feel like I am stalling out. This should have been a celebration week. I should have reached my 50 LB milestone. BUt once again, I feel like I am sabotaging myself and I cannot figure out why. None of my self talk is working….and the voices of those around me SCREAMING their encouragemnt and love is getting fainter…which is a sign I am disconnecting again…How do you fight out of this black hole! I want this time to be different, but I dont know how to make it so…

    • 165 run4change
      April 7, 2009 at 9:45 am

      I really relate to this secret person. I too have had times when the voices of help are faint and it is because I have separated myself from others. I have the tendency to isolate and when I am isolated is when I can be my most unhealthy. However, you can fight out of this black hole. You will just have to rely on the little habits that you have developed while losing your lost weight. You have new habits now and you can tap into those regardless of your feelings. Sounds easy but it is nowhere near easy. Thanks for sharing.

  86. 166 Secret
    April 7, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    As I am sitting here I am having a bottle of my favorite wine and if I am lucky I’ll get a little tipsy and maybe even drunk. Because why not!!! Why not enjoy life and as the saying goes eat, DRINK and DRINK and be Merry. Why bother with this weight loss when it’s an impossible dream or goal to achieve. The best way to live life is to be Merry and we know what it takes to be Merry and that’s some good ole wine. Losing weight and blogging about it serves no purpose except opening yourself up to failure. Everyone is so superficial and they act like they care but in reality they could care less with what happens. So you enjoy your happy life there and I will enjoy what makes me happy and that’s food and wine 🙂 Need to go the cup is running empty and you need to get back to your perfect little blog with all your blog friends that.. never mind it’s not worth mentioning what my next sentence is going to be.

    • 167 run4change
      April 7, 2009 at 3:17 pm

      Say what you will Secret Person, but I know in my heart and everyone else does too that this blog nor this life is perfect. i am so far from perfect. Wine is fine but when it is gone you are sitting right where you when it ran out. Life just keeps on going by but you are stopped. You are standing on the side lines as life just keeps going. It doesn’t stop for you or for me or for anyone. I am sorry that you are feeling that the journey is not worth it and that it is impossible.

      It is possible, it is not perfect, and it is not fun. HAHAHA Now that is the life huh? 🙂

  87. 168 Warning Rant Ahead-don't say I didn't warn you
    May 9, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    I had a gain at Weight Watchers. All the leaders said the same crap they say every time. I know they mean well, but saying to me when I’m crying, “It’s only ___ that you gained” doesn’t really help. Everyone said the same pat crappy things that they say every week. I smiled, said thanks, said they helped, and went on my merry way to eat whatever I wanted. I’ve recovered now, but I’m sick off all the pat, scripted, crap that people say at weight watchers. “It’s only so much you gained.” “That’s fine. You’re probably retaining water.” My favorite, “It’s muscle sweety. You’re working out a lot.” “It’s a journey. There will be ups and downs.” Excuse me everyone, but I know all this shit. I don’t want to hear it all when I’m upset.Please can you all just back off and let me be freakin’ upset for a few minutes. It’s a mental thing I need to deal with. I don’t need you all in my face pissing me off worse.

    What pisses me off the most this week is that I tracked EVERYTHING and worked out. Everyone told me last week, “track everything and you’ll see results at the scale.” All I saw at that damn scale was a gain. I’m doing all the positive talk crap they teach you, but I’m still pissed. I’m smiling and saying what EVERYONE wants me to say, but I feel like shit.

    Please don’t respond with pat trite answers. I’m sick of them today. I’m not going to let the scale rule my life. I’ve come to far for that, but for pete’s sake just let me be upset, deal with it, and move on. I’m focusing on my non scale victories and starting to feel better and then someone comes along and pisses me off by saying something pat.

    Please people when will you all learn that sometimes IT IS OK not to say anything at all. You can just say I’M SORRY and I’M HERE FOR YOU IF I NEED YOU. That’s really better to say then stupid shit. Please take this advice too if someone you know has lost a loved one. Like for instance if your friend has lost a child and has two other children at home don’t say, “At least you have two more at home.” Are your freakin’ kidding me? Or when someone loses a mom at age 23, “Well, at least you had her for 23 years.” What? You still have your mom and your 40, so how the hell can you say that?

    Ok, this has officially turned into a rant, so I will stop, but all this to say,
    Please let people just have a moment of disappointment at the Weight Watcher scale without getting all in their face saying stupid shit that you think is helping. It really isn’t and just pisses the person off more.

    Also, watch what you say to people going through a hard time. Just tell them you’re there for them, love them, and give them a hug. Recently, I told a friend of mine I wish I knew what to say and he said, “You just listening is enough.” That’s what I’m trying to say here.

    One of my friends at Weight Watchers was the only reason I stayed at the meeting. I sat down, she let me cry, put my hand on my back, and said absolutely NOTHING. After the meeting she said, “I’ve been where you are and I’m sorry you had a bad weigh in.” That was perfect.

    Ok, done here. Thanks for LISTENING.

  88. 169 anonymous
    July 27, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I am sucking air today. The last 3 days have been rough emotionally. I am feeling very sad over a variety of things…and am beginning to suspect PMS for the extremeness of it all. But mostly, I am just tired of fighting the fight. Tonight, I stopped and got 2 donuts…would have been 3 except they didn’t have the other kind I wanted…then stopped at McDOnalds and picked up a couple McChicken sandwiches…did the drive by, multiple food place thing tonight…and the disappointment in myself is far worse than the other stuff. Now, not only am I sad about the other things going on, but I despise myself as well. I am so ashamed I can’t bring myself to blog about it or to tell my people yet either. Why do I do this to myself?

    • 170 run4change
      July 28, 2009 at 5:12 am

      I am not always sure why we do this type of stuff to ourselves secret person. But I am here with you because I do it to. I just did it the other day actually. I felt like a giant slug afterwards and that made me want to do it again.

  89. July 29, 2009 at 9:47 am

    #73

    I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with life right now. So many of us are having hard times, so I get where you are coming from. On top of all the crap we are also trying to lose weight, stay healthy, and I totally know what you mean when you say you are tired of fighting the fight. I also understand the feeling of feeling worse off after eating all the crap. I don’t know why we do this to ourselves, but we do and all I try to do is learn from the experience. I look for one thing. Was PMS part of the problem? What sparked the drive by eatings? Now that you realize the eating made you feel worse what can you do not to go there again? I know I’m not really giving you any thing new that you don’t already know, but I’m hoping it helps a little. Today is a new day and we don’t have to look back. Take your eating and your emotions one hour at a time, one minute at a time. You can do this. Please feel free to email if you would like. I’m here for you. As far as blogging or talking to anyone about it don’t feel like you have to, but if the time comes and you can, you will help people in thier own journey.

    I pray that you will have a good day today and that the Lord will bless you in some little way, so you can start seeing the some positive things. YOU CAN DO THIS.

    Take care my friend,
    Melissa

    Mommymeepa@aol.com

  90. 172 Me Again
    July 29, 2009 at 10:39 am

    Well, I did it again. Except this time, I went off and got drunk off my butt, by myself. The food the night before obviously didn’t work to quiet the din of feelings and emotions raging through me and I just couldn’t think. So I thought alcohol would help. Unfortunately and I suppose fortunately , it didn’t help. All it did was cause no small amount of serious concern from my friends, who then staged and intervention and one of them came over to stay with me, despite my protests. The other stayed on teh phone till she got there and had convinced me to open the door. And now, to ease their further concern, I am staying the night over there…even though I have no intention of doing this again. This is ridiculous. ALl I did was disrupt other peoples lives, the very thing I was trying to avoid by not pulling them into the mess in the first place. I hate that I did that. I hate that I went that far. I hate that my friends are now seriously concerned and actually frightened for me. I hate that my only choice left is to submit and trust because I promised them I would not do the next level of self-medication and take any drugs or find some guy.

    • 173 run4change
      July 29, 2009 at 11:17 am

      Dear Secret person

      Boy do I understand what you are going through and talking about. I could never even attempt to how many times I have done what you did except I managed somehow to keep it a secret so I didn’t have the loving people around trying to help me. And if I don’t use alcohol, I use some other hideous thing to try and get the same results. Keep your head up though. Don’t let the shame way you down toooooo much. Some conviction and a tiny bit of guilt is ok for the short term but try and dwell on something positive. Although I know that right now at this point it is probably nearly impossible to do. We love ya. 🙂

  91. 174 secret
    August 2, 2009 at 1:29 am

    I’ve been unemployed for over a year. I just go through the motions of finding a job but I make sure not to get hired. I just don’t feel like I can go back out there. I’m just too tired, and too heavy. I go to bed at 6am or so and sleep until 2. My girlfriend puts up with it but she won’t forever. I feel like the bright, charming, amitious guy inside me died somehow. What happened to all that “potential” everyone talked about when I was kid? All I see is a lazy fat dude playing Xbox.

    • 175 run4change
      August 3, 2009 at 5:32 am

      I know exactly what you mean secret person. i love the xbox also. I am sure that you would feel better if you get a job and start working. it will bolster your confidence a lot.

  92. 176 Secret Second Time Around
    August 3, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    I posted a long time ago. I was secret person #59. I was struggling with wanting to meet with someone I had reconnected with through facebook and now wanted to meet. I told you all I took him off my friend list, well, I had, but we got back in touch and I met with him this past Friday night. I let my husband know, when we were meeting, where we were meeting. My husband was fine with it. I want you to know that I had a great time with him, we caught up on old times, and nothing happened. I think I was at a different place in my life when I first wrote about it. I was worried the first time that something might happen, but it didn’t and I won’t let it. I probably shouldn’t be talking to him. I probably shouldn’t have met with him, but I did and you know what I liked it. We are still talking on facebook and will continue to do so. There are things that I probably get from him that I should be getting from my husband, but I decided I like it. If it’s just online and just in person from time to time in a public place what is the problem? I’m not cheating. Isn’t it ok to have guy friends? Let me know what you guys think. I’ve actually been talking to my husband more about what I need from him and things are going better in that department.

    • 177 run4change
      August 4, 2009 at 5:20 am

      Hopefully the readers can chyme in for you secret person.

    • August 4, 2009 at 6:28 am

      You may be in a different place and only want a platonic relationship with this man. But what is his view? What does he want from you. If you are sure that it will strictly be ONLY friendship…and if your husband is totally aware and ok with it then proceed with caution. I think the rule of thumb is this. If you are meeting him but not sneaking and not afraid that your husband or someone will see you with this man, then you are ok. It’s only when you start sneaking and when you are doing things that you are keeping a secret from your husband that the issues begin. And that means not only pysical but also mental…if you are thinking, then you are just as guilty!

    • 179 run4change
      August 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm

      Thanks for your comment for secret person

  93. 180 secret
    August 4, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    I secret eat, especially when I’m stressed. I keep stashes of food around the house and don’t tell my husband. I eat extra snacks when I only give him one. I buy a snack at the store and eat it before I get home so he’ll never know. I keep control of the money so he doesn’t question purchases. I don’t do it normally but when I’m stressed I do it a lot. Today I was stressed about something from work and bought a cookie when we went out for coffee and finished it before I brought him his coffee. I don’t like doing this but I seem to do it without thinking. I’m afraid that I will get out of control and gain back all the weight. The stupid thing is that I usually count the points for what I eat, I just don’t tell anyone else.

    • 181 run4change
      August 4, 2009 at 2:56 pm

      Thank you so much secret person for sharing your “closet” eating. This is soooooo common and I find myself doing it WAY more than I would like to admit. Thanks again because this will help many identify with you and the journey.

  94. 182 secret
    August 7, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    I just found out last night that my husband cross-dresses. I had suspicions at one point and asked but he explained it away and told me he had worked with his counselor. We were planning on starting to adopt soon and now I’m glad we haven’t yet. He got caught red handed and won’t give me any explanations. I don’t know where to go with this because I feel so alone. I’m running the whole gamut of emotions just like if the husband I knew has died. I am at a loss. This is nothing like what we believe or at least I believe and I don’t know where to go from here.

  95. 184 Support For Poster #78
    August 10, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    This is just my little viewpoint on this subject. Of course my thoughts and prayers go out to you as you adjust or figure this all out. I know this has to be a shock to you and for that I do feel for you. I am not hear as judge or jury either. Just sating my view point. As much that this is something that you haven’t dealt with before I think that with any relationship you must talk and continue to have open communication with him. Secondly if you truly love him I am hoping that this is something that you can accept about him (as long as he does what he does in a healthy way) When 2 people enter into a committed realationship you take the good with the bad and you work on whatever needs to be worked on. Just like you would want him to say support you if you gained 100 pounds I think you should support him, or at least talk with him about this so that some understanding can be figured out. For me what it boils down to is do you love him enough and are you willing to work hard at this to were you can accept this part of him. He is probably just as shocked as you at this point. Give him some time and I am sure he will open up and explain why he desires this. I know it’s not the same thing but it’s almost like being a closet eater. Once you get caught by a loved one sneaking food and hiding it, that person is stunned by the revelation as well. I know I have been rambling but just give prayer, thought and time. I am hoping that you 2 can keep the communication open so this can be worked out. God Bless Ya both….


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