Point of inspiration and rememberance.

Had a horrible day the other day.  It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general.  Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident.  But……..I got an email from a good friend.  My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it.  I can’t even express the importance of that email to me.  The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING.  The email did not have any information that I don’t already know.  It did not have any secret to success.  It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life.  Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present.  You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life.  He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small.  So his email was a reminder to me.

It is so easy to forget what I have done.  That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs.  He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story.  And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again.  It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again.  I was humbled by the achievements that I had done.  I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way.  I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me.  I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months.  I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have.  The ability to overcome.  I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am.  But yesterday I started out a fresh.  I ate perfectly.  I exercised well.  I thought well of myself.  Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself.  I want to achieve a healthy self respect.

New Secret came in today. 73 secrets are now disclosed on the secret page

It has been a little while since the secret page has been used, but today we have the blessing of sharing the journey with a secret person.  They have confessed their emotions to get liberated.  Come and read the new secret HERE.

Why are we so scared too….

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I tell the truth here.  I am afraid to take my shirt off in public whether I am around guys or girls or kids or adults.  It does not matter where it is or what I am doing.  I avoiding swimming for years and hot tubs with my wife too, just because I was scared to take off my shirt and let the world see my round globe of a belly.  I honestly don't know what it is such a big deal to me. In fact, I hate the fact that it bothers me because why should I even care what other people think and they probably aren't even thinking about anythin most of the time.

I have lost my weight and it does not make a difference on this subject.  Now I don't want people seeing the loose skin and dang stretch marks.  I bet even if I got a tummy tuck I would feel the same way.  What is that?  What do you guys think?  Do you have a problem with public awarness of your body.  Bikini, bathing suit, tank tops, etc.  You know what I mean.  I want to hear from all of you whay your take is on this?

Skinny person says,”I need to lose weight”. Larger person says, “What the …………”

image credit: http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com

I was absolutely blown away by a comment on one of my previous posts.  I mean I was totally shocked.  In fact, I can’t even express the shock/eye opening/revelation/amazingness.

I have not experienced an “Oh my God” moment like this for a long long time.  This was not a “hater” comment, nor was it even a negative comment.  It just simply opened my eyes to the truth in a very real way.  I love this about having my blog.  You all say some amazing things that stir up thought and emotions that help me and others grow. 

Basically, the comment touched on a situation that we are all very familar with.  Here is the situation as the commentator put it, “Speaking from my own experiences, you know how when you were fat and some skinny person would talk about how fat they were, or how they needed to lose weight? And you would think to yourself “oh, pul-leeze!”  So my commentator friend told me “Well that’s you now, dude.”

This was in no way meant to be offensive or mean and I did not take it that way.  It was like the first time that I realized that the skinny person in the story is me.  I have kept my weight off for over a year now and it took a wonderful person to say, “Well that’s you now, dude.” for me to actually see it.  Holy freakin A.  I sent shock waves through me.  I was sitting in bed at 4:30 in the morning reading this comment on my blackberry all tired and such but when I read that little part I was wide awake and in Awe. 

Part of me was happy that I was the skinny person but part of me was scared that I had been doing the skinny person part in the situation.  I hope that I have not been offending anyone because I am a skinny person hoping to lose 8 more lbs or so.  I don’t think I have.  I am pretty sure that everyone knows my heart and that I am just trying to be as healthy as an emotional eater can be.  I came from being really big to now being healthy but I guess I just never saw it that way.  I guess the fat mind is still in much more control than I had thought. HAHAHA.  Put yourself in my shoes for a minute.  Think of yourself at your goal weight, feeling super strong and healthy, and reading this comment.   I read that comment and for a split second think why would she say  that I am that person (Because that is what I first said because I never thought of myself as that person) and then BAM,  It hits me like a ton of bricks.

Thank you Maggieapril for leaving that comment.  You really helped open my eyes to the fact that I have accomplished a lot.  I know that I know this already and many people tell me all the time but your comment just revealed it in such a unique and real way to me.  I needed that.

A fast food secret was added to the run4change secret page today

We all get down in the dumps.  We who love our food tend to go to it for comfort.  I know I have a millions time over and I know many of you have to.  The secret page was updated today with a confession of using food for comfort, for medication of negative thoughts and feelings.  Come on in and be encouraged to know that you are not the only one.

And don’t forget to share your own weight loss journey secret confession too.  Go HERE to read the updated Secret Confessions Page

Make sure you don’t miss out on any new confessions that come in by subscribing HERE

The hurt involved in being a failure. Friendly big people.

It hurts to be fat.  It hurts to fail at losing.  It hurts to not get what I am seeking for when I binge on food to feel better.  It just plain hurts to see thin people and hate my own body. 

What is all of this about you ask?  It is about a simple little thing that I have learned that life can do to you if you let it.  It can mold you into a compassionate and loving person.  Yes, it can make you into a bitter evil minded person who everyone hates if you let it, but life doesn’t want to make you that way.  I have found it most interesting that sometimes big people are nicer than the “beautiful people”.  I was thinking on this subject for weeks.  Pondering why this would be and I have come to my own little conclusion:  It hurts to be fat!!!

My reply to a “fear” comment. Weight loss fears and my thinking!

Today I got a fantastic comment on the first post in the “fear” series.  It brought to my mind my own fears and the reality of the way I think sometimes.  I wanted to share with you my reply to the comment.  Here it is.

Rob- This is a fantastic contribution man. It is so true. I am going to add to it if that is OK

Point #1-People have acted and are different to me now. No doubt about it. And like you said about your fear, I do have an attitude with them except I am very passive like and I don’t show them the attitude. I just keep it inside hidden in a place that when that person comes around I bring that thing out of hiding and tell myself,“Oh I remember you. You can’t be trusted. You are either fake or have an ethic about fat people that I don’t like or trust. Sure I’ll be nice to you right now but you’re not getting inside. I’ll keep you on the peripheral.  You are not trusted enough for me to let you inside (my heart, mind, etc)”

Point #2-I am freaked out about this because I have done what you are saying. I am not doing it in a mean or negative way at all and I usually don’t speak it I just think it. I will see an over weight person who is not trying to lose weight at all and think to myself, “Oh man. look!! They just have no idea what is possible for them. They are so defeated about the weight. I know how that is because I have been there,  but they could get out if they wanted to. I wish they could believe..”

Then there are the times where I see someone who asks me how I did it and what they should do so that they can do it.  I tell them about WW and they join lets say.  They start the journey but all they want to do is make excuses as to why they don’t count their points or exercise.  They tell me why they should have to count or exercise also.  Again, I never say it out load but here is what I think, “Don’t you know that it won’t work if you keep acting that way. Quit lying to yourself and just do what you really want and know you should do.  It just won’t work if you are not committed to this. This is hard work and it takes attention to your efforts to succeed. Nobody loses weight by accident and I don’t know why you think you are any different. You just need to face the truth that you have to do this or that you are not ready/willing to do this.”

Now this is different from how I think when I see people trying hard and are battling with the emotional demons regarding food. The journey is not easy at all, but it is possible. These people tend to mess up but also seem to own up to the fact that it was them that did it and they move on for as long as they can until the next mess up. This is how everyone does it anyway right? We go as long as we can being good, mess up, get back on track, and over and over we go and the mess ups get further apart and our good times are better then the good times before.

I hope I made sense Rob. I am going to make this a post too.

Scared to be thin! Are you? Part one of the “fear” series.

Good morning to all and to all a good morning.  I have received a couple of emails describing a fear that is not talked about often.  It is a fear of reaching goal, of looking thin and sexy and lean and happy.  Why would this be a fear you ask?  Well, that is what I am leaping into today.    Why would a person be scared to reach goal and finally be thin.

Pictorial post: Long run, skiing, and my beautiful weekend

I had a great weekend.  The whole company had Saturday off so I did too.  This never happens and I am so thankful for it.  I had a great weekend.  I have been doing great so far on my eating and exercising.  I brought all my food with me to our ski trip and counted everything perfectly.  I did have some m&m’s last night but I counted them all up.  We stayed at the mountain pretty much until our lift tickets expirered.  What a beautiful day it was and I got so much activity in.

I did a 25 mile long run this morning.  I did very well and had no problems finishing the run at all.  Even after a day of skiing I was able to finish great.  I am looking forward to two days off of exercise.  I am going to post pictures of my weekend.  So enjoy.

 

Here I am at mile 14 as Audrey joins in on my run with me.

 

This is the typical view I have during runs on this running route. Beautiful outdoor concert seating and Mt. St. Helens in the background

View from parking lot just before opening. The lift that you see just a little left in the picture is the one we when on the most.

 

On the first run of the day the snow was perfect, the sun was out, and my wife was in full force with the cam

 

 

The former fat man himself. HAHAHAHA

It just wouldn't be much fun without my LOVE :). She is the best part about going skiing. I fall in love with her a new every time I see her coming down the mountain.

Secret # 68 just in. The secret page is ready for your weight loss secret confession!!

image credit: media.arstechnica.com

This is great.  The secret page has now been updated again with the latest secret.  Secret # 68 is about lying to a friend.

Make sure you check out the secret page here and make your own contribution.

You can subscribe here to get updates every time the secret page has a new secret submitted to it.

Stomach rash: Dermatological contact infection

not my stomach

Before I lost my weight, I used to get this rash all the time.  I think it was because my stomach hung down or something.  The doctor called it a dermatological contact infection.  I hated it and I made me feel even more fat and embarrassed.  Since I am here and constantly talking to others on the weight loss journey like I am, I thought now would be a good time to bring it up.  I always hid the fact that I got this rash but now I am wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them.  

Any of you guys ever get anything like this?  I have never gotten this since I lost weight.  I am wondering if it was due to my stomach hanging down or just some freak thing.

 Here are some links to learn more about it:

More secret weight loss journey confessions added this morning. Come on come all!!

image credit: media.arstechnica.com

 

 

UPDATED ON 2/21/2009:  THERE ARE NOW 67  LIBERATING SECRETS ON THE PAGE

Subscribe HERE for your own special secret updates!

Ok everyone.  The liberating page called Secret Confessions: Get Liberated!  is working out very well.  This is a special place to get those secrets about our journey that are sitting in the dark into the light so that we can  move towards health.  I really encourage you to use this page because it will help tremendously in difficult times.  There are specific instructions on how to leave an anonymous comment on the secret page itself.  Check it out

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

Weight loss caused loose skin. To remedy with surgery or live with the flap

image credit: img155.imageshack.us

I have been thinking more and more about this loose skin subject.  I am seriously considering doing it now.  Not to long ago I posted on this subject and kind of came to the conclusion that I should not get a tummy tuck/abdominoplasty.  I am slowly moving in the direction of getting it done now.  i am tired of seeing the extra fat/skin on my lower stomach.    As I said a couple of days ago, sometimes I have a “good body day” where I don’t mind it so much, but most of the time I just stare at it.  I think about how it hangs there and how I wish it was gone.

So here I am again.  Back at the drawing board trying to decide whether or not to cut off my stomach or not.  I am mostly worried about two major issues.  Well, major issues in my mind at least:

1. I am so scared of going under with anesthesia. 
2. I am worried about not being able to exercise during the recovery and whether or not I will be able to maintain my weight during that period.

Recently, I have been told some things about these two issues from people who have gone through with it.  One person said that they were able to get local anaesthesia instead of going all the way under because they only got the skin removed and had no work done on the abs.  Most women have ab work done because of prior pregnancies, but I don’t have that issue.  This is the thing that really got me thinking about doing the surgery.  The other issue was that all of the people I talked to either stayed the same or lost during the recovery.  Of course they all gained at first from swelling but after the basic 6 week no-exercise rule they lost or stayed the same.  This is looking pretty promising.

Subscribe HERE to make sure you get updates on whether I do the surgery or not!!

I am going to try and get with some doctors about this and discuss what the options are.  If I do it, I would like to do it in October after the Portland Marathon.  I will keep you all posted as to what I learn and how the visits with the doctors go.

If I do go through with it, I will start taking and posting the real pics of my lose skin as to document the change.

Good body day. Feelin’ skinny

Do you ever have a good hair day? HAHAHA  What about a good body day?  Do you ever have those tiny moments where you see yourself and say, “Wow, I look pretty good today!!”  Today is one of those days for me.  I got out of bed this morning and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth, low and behold the mirror was in full effect.

Usually I am like, “UGH”.  But today was a good body day.  A day were my body image probably matched up to reality.  I looked OK to myself.  I was really excited actually.  With the three pounds lost and 7 more to go, I am seeing a bit more abs in my mirror image.  My chest seemed to look less boobyish.  My arms looked just that little bit more defined.  Mostly though it was my stomach that made me feel good.  It just looked better and felt smaller.

I have the suspicion that this is how I usually look in the mirror and that the change was in my mind.  I am not saying that only in my mind did I look OK, what I am saying is that I only look BAD in my mind rather than in reality.  Weird body image issues which I am sure many of you can relate to. 

So I am feeling good mentally and physically today.  How are you?  Do you ever have those ‘Good body” days?

The secret page was updated today. #59’s victory and one new secret. Don’t miss out!

UPDATED ON 2/15/2009:  THERE ARE NOW 64  LIBERATING SECRETS ON THE PAGE

Also, #59 has sent in the big final victory for us to rejoice about.

Subscribe HERE for your own special secret updates!

Ok everyone.  The liberating page called Secret Confessions: Get Liberated!  is working out very well.  This is a special place to get those secrets about our journey that are sitting in the dark into the light so that we can  move towards health.  I really encourage you to use this page because it will help tremendously in difficult times.  There are specific instructions on how to leave an anonymous comment on the secret page itself.  Check it out

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

Non-blogger contest entry. Why I felt amazing here.

As you all know, not everyone who reads blogs has their own blog.  So I have allowed non-bloggers to participate in the contest as well.  Just as a reminder, international people can partake in this too.  I know I have received several comments regarding this and I have left the contest open for non-US people too.   So here you go, the first non-blogger submission.

Here is a contest submission by Cecile

I have lost 47 lbs.  It has really made a difference too.  I can walk better and enjoy life that little bit more now.  But for the contest I wanted to show a picture of my family.  They are my true joy in life.  I’m fortunate enough to have an amazing family that loves me very much and shows me that they do.  I have lots of good moments I could enter but I really liked this one for the contest.
My daughter invited me to their  new cabin for a little vacation. I took the train and she picked me up at the station.  We went to her cabin.  It was such a wonderful time.  We did some walking (she jog’s  and I walk), toured a few wineries, and visited the town of Leavenworth; but the best part was I got to see my two awesome grandsons.  One came from college and the other from Louisiana.  They brought a couple of friends with them.  They were so good to their grandma and it was great seeing them.  So this picture is me with my two grandsons (center) and their buddies. Now don’t you think that’s an amazing moment when a gray haired grandma is surrounded by 4 STUDS. I sure enjoyed their youthful energy and humor.

Do you do this!

image credit: http://www.vegsource.com

A fellow blogger reminded me of something that I know all to well but had forgotten about.  Maybe you know about it too.  It is those situations where you make fun of your weight to get the first shot in because you think other people want to get a shot in about your weight.  Here is what the blogger said in the comment:

“Its a hard habit to break when there have been so many years of self-deprecating humor and mean comments directed towards myself (by me) in an attempt beat others to the punch and let them know that I’m fully aware of my fat (when in all likelihood, the majority of them weren’t even the least bit concerned with my fat).”

Have you been the victim of your own “fat jokes”.  I certainly have.  I can’t even count the number of times that I joked about my weight just because I felt uncomfortable with it.  I wanted to make people laugh about it and when they did I secretly felt hurt in a way on the inside.  I can’t recall the exact things that I used to, and sometimes still say.  It is odd to me that I still do this even though most of my fat is gone.  But the comment blew me away.  The light bulb went off and I thought, “Oh my God,I did that for so long too.  This is not a healthy thing to do, but I and so many others have or still do it.”

What do you think, can we stop making fun of ourselves and maybe just take things for what they are and move towards health?  What are some of the things you used to say to make yourself the “butt of the joke”?  Did you or do you do this kind of self-depreciating joking?  Let us know!

The secret page was updated today! Come and share your own secret!

UPDATED ON 2/13/2009:  THERE ARE NOW 63  LIBERATING SECRETS ON THE PAGE

Subscribe HERE for your own special secret updates!

Ok everyone.  The liberating page called Secret Confessions: Get Liberated!  is working out very well.  This is a special place to get those secrets about our journey that are sitting in the dark into the light so that we can  move towards health.  I really encourage you to use this page because it will help tremendously in difficult times.  Here is an example from Secret Poster #59’s victory:

Secret Poster #59 reporting in.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I just told the other person we cannot talk anymore. They understood and respected me, and my wishes. For those of you that pray, please pray for me. I’m crying and didn’t realize just how hard this would be, but I know it is the right thing. I think that part of it being hard is that fact that you have to face that there is something wrong in your marriage. That’s the hardest part of all. This has been a long stressful day for me and I must tell you all I wanted to do was eat. I chewed on a big wad of gum all day and wanted to pig out at McDonald’s, but didn’t. I ended up at SUBWAY getting a foot long, only eating 6 inches and putting the other half away for work tomorrow, so in the midst of all this pain I still made healthy decisions. At least there’s a silver lining somewhere in all this. Anyway, good night. Thanks again for all the love and support. It really got me through this MAJOR temptation in my life.  I just wanted to thank everyone again for their support.  I was able to get to sleep right away and probably have the best night sleep in a long time.  I feel like a new person and like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my back.  Again, I appreciate everyone here and Jason I really appreciate all you do to help, encourage, and inspire us.  you are a true friend.

When you leave your secret comment, only the secret confession will show up on the page.  There are additional instructions if you want to leave a comment so that not even I know who you are.  I figured that this would help a lot of people realize that they are not alone.   Each day the Secret page is updated, I will change the information above and put this post at the top of the front page.  This will let everyone know that the page is being used.  Feel free to check it out.

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

I can see it in your eyes-do you see it in mine

I thought of this post while I was doing my long run a couple of weeks ago.  I think this every time I go running to my favorite park.  There are always a lot of people exercising on this park’s trail.  A lot of people who are just starting their journey go here to get their activity in because it is so beautiful. This is a very different post than normal but it is still on topic.  It is the conversation I have in my mind with the over weight person who I pass as we cross each others path and make eye contact.  So here it goes.

Hey, isn’t it great that us fat people are out here getting it done (I am looking jolly at this moment)Why won’t you look at me?  We are out here doing the same thing for the same reason.  We are both overweight and think we a fat.  Oh yeah, I am not fat anymore.  Maybe that’s why you don’t really want to make eye contact with me.  You try, but you turn away so fast.  I feel bad because you look embarrassed when you don’t need to.  I know how you feel though.  It is funny since you have no idea that I have lost 130 lbs and used to be even bigger than you are.  I wish I could make you understand.  I wish I could stop you and tell you not to be shy and ashamed, but to be proud.  I am proud of you.  You are out here.  I know it is hard and it might even be hurting right now, but you are moving.  Great job.   Soon, you will be like me.  You will be the one that people think have always been thin and for that reason they think that you think they are fat and gross.  But you won’t think like that right?  You will remember what I see in your eyes right at this very moment where we glimpse at each other.  I hope you can remember and have compassion when you reach your goal.  Right now, you have sadness in your eyes.  That heaviness that is present when you look at the vast amount of weight you are trying to lose.  I see that you are afraid of what I think and afraid that you are not doing enough.  I think you are doing fine.  Please don’t look at me with that look of, “Don’t look at me buddy.  You have never been fat.  You don’t understand.”  I do understand, can’t you see it in my eyes.

This is how it is so many times when I run by face to face with people on that trail.  I know the look in their eye because I had that look in my eye before too.  I only hope that they can see the compassion and understanding in mine.

I can see it in your eyes, but can you see it in mine?

For more posts like this one and other great weight loss journey info., subscribe to my blog HERE.

New look at body image: Good Quote

Good Sunday to all of you.  Here is a very short post just to send you over to a good quote about body image.  My friend at talesofadisorderdeater put it up.  I thought it was a good down to earth qoute that helped me realize that life is to short ot hate my own body.  Thanks and have a great day.

Here is the quote