Posts Tagged ‘health

05
May
10

Eating, running, and weight watchers???

Like the homing pigeons above, I need to come home.  I AM GOING TO GO HOME.  I am headed back to weight watchers again tomorrow.  I will admit, I have a sense of shame about going back.  Not because of the weight I have gained or anything like that.  I feel “worthy” of going back but what I feel bad about is stopping my meetings in the first place.  I love them you know.  I care about the people there and they care about me.  There is no reason but full on self-deception that has caused me to stay away.  So today I will make a grand entrance at my “home” once again.  I will go there head high and weigh in.  To be honest, even as I write this I am telling myself that I should not go back.  That I should just stay away and forget about it.  But that is my unhealthy side talking.  I know what works for me.  I know what I like to do for my body.  I have listened and listened and listened to my body for so long now there is really no arguing with what works for me and WW works.  And in fact, it works for an endurance athlete as well.  I have made WW work for ultras and marathons.  It will do the job.  I say “it” but really it is just eating healthy and eating the correct amount of calories.  “It” is like any other normal eating program.  The only difference from what I am doing now is that IT IS NORMAL. LOL. 

I am going to start training hard again with my running and on top of that I will be doing three days a week of resistance training.  I long for this.  I am in recovery from the Strolling Jim at the moment but I will be back hard at it soon enough.  I yearn for the self exploration that it all brings, and the self revelation that I experience.  I can’t wait for the sense of accomplishment DAILY knowing that I am doing the RIGHT thing for my body.  The right thing for my life.  I never would have guessed that running would have become such a part of my life.  I never would have dreamed that I would write a post about my third year of long distance running and that I completed my 22nd long race.  I don’t say this stuff to be arrogant and I hope you don’t see it that way.  As I write I am even humbled by the process.  The process of step by step growth.  The process of learning what and what not to do while running.  I am humbled that I can even call myself a runner and to be honest at this point in my running life I still sometimes don’t think I am a REAL runner.  Now that is crazy because a REAL runner is just a normal person who runs, jogs, walk/jogs, etc.  There is no distance that makes you a runner.  There is no magic number of races that changes your identity to be someone else so that you can finally be a REAL runner.  There is no days per week that you must run to be REAL.  All you have to do is get out there and do it.  Fast or slow, smooth or uncordinated, natural or unnatural.  So I am going to get out there and do some more running becasue I want to.  I don’t have to.  I am the same person with the same worth and the same integrity if I do or don’t.  But I want to run, and I want to experience all that it has to offer me in this short life.

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05
May
10

Running through it

Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant.  I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations.  At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today.  I have not been doing ALL BAD!  So I will look on the bright side of things.  I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better.  I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles.  I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back.  I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard.  And the hard stuff is not over yet either.  Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder.  But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all.  It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place.  Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it.  I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc.  But I have not turned my back on running.  I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running.  My come back races were 32 and 41 miles. 

This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together.  It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again.  I am back to exercising with cross-training.  I am excited once again about my running goals.  I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come.  I have to start somewhere.  Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once.  I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can.  i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so.  So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on.  I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be.  I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard.  But I am glad I have learned it.  VERY GLAD.

18
Mar
10

Out of hermitville…………New life Check Up

Hello everyone.  I have decided, for the benefit of my own health to come out from being a blog hermit.  I have experienced a lot since the last time I wrote to you all.  My life has changed drastically, my heart is soft again, I have opened up myself to other around me, and I HAVE EATEN A VAST AMOUNT OF FOOD. HAHAHAHA.  I am not complaining though.  For today I show myself mercy and I don’t do that too often.  At this time it is needed however, so I will give myself a break.

  • I am current 8 lbs over my WW lifetime goal.  Yup, that is right, I actually had to pay the last time I went and that was the first time in around 2 years. 
  • I am having a hard time with recovery in my running lately.
  • I have stood up for myself and been authentic more in the last three months than I ever was in my previous 33 years of life.
  • My heart has changed drastically and I am excited to move on in my life to experience even more love and growth than ever before.
  • I am back to WW and starting out on a new path.  I will do well for sure.

I have received so many emails from all of you who care.  I appreciate it more than you would ever dream.  I did not return any of them for the most part but I did take each and every word that you spoke into my life and used it for good.  I have slowly (some would tell me VERY quickly) but surely emerged from a lot of crappy darkness.  I will never be the same but I will be better instead of worse. 

I will tell you all, that I have learned so much about myself and about people.  I have experienced and learned so much mercy and understanding.  When I think of it all I kind of melt into a lump of thankfulness.  I get filled with emotion at the realization that people (yeah, all of us) have the capacity to endure and grow more than even I ever imagined.  And I saw that Love and Compassion for others is a major factor in my ability to endure such things that I have.  I saw that my running is more of a picture of my life than I thought, and that it has taught me good lessons that will stick with me for a lifetime

A LITTLE MESSAGE TO YOU ALL

You know what guys, sometimes things just get hard don’t they.  Sometimes they add up over time, and other times they rush in to overwhelm.  I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens or has happened, just about anything is possible for you.  Now is not the time to give up on what you want in life.  Now is not the time to think of yourself as a throw away.  Now is not the time to let others talk you out of your dreams.  I know you can do what it is you want to do.  Just take one step, just one.  And in time, you will one day be where you want to be.  And during those many steps you will fall down.  This is ok.  This is nothing to panic over.  This is the normal human experience and it is highly desirable albeit not enjoyable.  Because when we do fall, we learn how to stand once again.

19
Feb
10

Point of inspiration and rememberance.

Had a horrible day the other day.  It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general.  Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident.  But……..I got an email from a good friend.  My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it.  I can’t even express the importance of that email to me.  The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING.  The email did not have any information that I don’t already know.  It did not have any secret to success.  It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life.  Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present.  You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life.  He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small.  So his email was a reminder to me.

It is so easy to forget what I have done.  That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs.  He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story.  And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again.  It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again.  I was humbled by the achievements that I had done.  I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way.  I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me.  I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months.  I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have.  The ability to overcome.  I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am.  But yesterday I started out a fresh.  I ate perfectly.  I exercised well.  I thought well of myself.  Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself.  I want to achieve a healthy self respect.

03
Sep
09

It can happen! Take a step back and reassess.

reality-check-ahead-signIt can happen to anyone!  Falling into old habits even after losing and keeping 130 lbs off.  In fact, it is pretty easy to fall back into the old ways.  Why is this??  Well, the old ways are the old ways for a reason and they are old because I did them for so long.  Truth be told, the old ways work for what they are used for.  Oh yeah, you heard me.  THere is no denying that eating junk food makes me feel better at the moment I want to feel better.  There is no denying that it tastes wonderful like a party in my mouth.  I just want to shed the false belief that using food for comfort and security does not work.  It does work and if it did not work we would never use food to comfort ourselves.  However, there is a downside as there always is for self-medicating with potentially harmful stuff whether it be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  It brings guilt and shame and weight gain and bodily harm.

So at the practical and reality based advice of another great blogger on the journey, I took a step back to reassess my situation and take a reality check.  I took a step back to way the costs and rewards of my actions.  As  you know I have been on the wayward side of WW for a bit.  I am still right here at my WW goal weight but things have been getting increasingly unhealthy for me both mentally and physically.  Steve’s words yesterday hit me just how I needed it and brought about a major lifting of the veil over my eyes.  Now that he helped me see much more clearly, I am taking my reality check here on the blog.

What is my unhealthy eating doing for me?

Well, like I said, it is making me feel better about whatever I am feeling bad about for the moment.  This is true.  It is also making me feel worse in the long run and causing a great crop of negative thinking to sprout up.  Waying this cost is hard for me because I like the immediate benifit of feeling better and don’t particularly like the delayed gratification that denying myself the junk brings.  BUT, after long thought focused on Steve’s comment, the delayed gratification FAR OUT WEIGHS any other possible benifit that junk food can give.  So for today I feel strong and healthy and resolved with new passion for my health goals.

How is my fear of failure molding my situation?

I am scared to gain it all back.  Unfortunately, the way my little mind works is that when I fear failure I tend not to try as to make sure I don’t fail.  Now taking a step back on this one shows that this is crazy because it is self-fulfilling.  I am scared to fail so I fail on purpose and do the exact thing I am afraid of. HAHAHAHA  No more of this.  The reality in this is that I can’t fail if I just continue to do what I know how to do as far as healthy living goes.  It is a no-brainer really.  I know what to do and that is to keep my eyes on the prize, don’t let go of it, and then make nice little decisions throughout everyday to ensure a victory.  This is not easy at all because the fear is still there but the fear is not as powerful as the full life that can be lived in health.  Self-sabotage many call it.

My addictive side?????

My addictive side grabs hold of that which makes me feel better.  This side of me will barely let go of the medicine.  So when I eat two candy bars with wonderful peanut butter and sugar inside, I feel better for the moment, then my addictive side says, “Oh hell yeah that felt good.  What is wrong with wonderfulness.  Lets keep doing this.”  Contrary to much popular advice that I recieve here and away, small dabbles in such wonderfulness are not a livable scenario for me.  I am often told it is MORE of a lifestyle when I allow this stuff into my life as it is less rigid but I just can’t live that way.  I know myself and taking this reality check helps me to realize that abstinence is the best way to go for several foods in this world.

Negative thinking?

I can get seriously deep into some negative thinking about myself and my journey.  So negative in fact that I can completely forget a good thing that I just accomplished.  This is crazy but it is a reality so why should I deny myself the knowledge of the truth or the opportunity to talk about it.  I can pick out one negative thing out of a sea of positive.  It can be a beautiful day out but I will see a cloud the size of a man’s hand 100 miles away.  HAHAHAHA  I am going to work on this.  WW is not really that hard and it is certainly not impossible.  What is hard is staying on track while I am off track.  The contrary actions.  The lying to myself that I am doing it when I am not doing it.  What the hell!  If I am not doing it I am just going to say to myself I am not doing it and then get back on track.

11
Aug
09

Marathon #18 and more golf

tetherow7I had a good but slightly lonely marathon weekend.  I went to bend/sunriver, Oregon on Friday night so that I would be able to pick up my race packet on Saturday morning.  I went to bed as soon as I got there because I had to get up at 4 a.m. to do a 10 miler before I went golfing at a really special golf course in Bend.  My 10 miler went very smoothly with no hiccups.

Saturday I played two rounds of golf so I got in a lot of activity even after my 10 mile easy run.  I didn’t play well but I had a good time.  I got done golfing around 8 p.m. and again went to bed right away so that I could get up around 3 a.m. to do 10 miles before the marathon start.

Sunday came in a hurry as I struggled to get out of my warm bed.  I was able to fit in 8 miles and finished this run about 5 minute before the marathon start.  At 7 a.m. the race started and all 112 marathoners took off up the 14 mile hill.  At first the hill was not very bad at all and I was able to run most of it with no problem.  I did a 4:1 run/walk ratio for the entire marathon except from miles 11-14 where the hill was just to steep and I walked.  Once we got to the top is was smooth and fun sailing down to about mile 20 (my mile 28) where the course flattened out.  Over-all the marathon was not really hard and it was enjoyable too.  I finished in 4:50.  This pace has allowed me to have post-race days without much soreness at all.  That has been VERY nice.

It was a good weekend and although I played golf and ran with many great people, I was really lonely without my wife.  I love her so much and she is my best friend.  I don’t like going to bed at night without her.  I don’t like not being able to see her in the evenings.  The good things is that she was able to have fun with her visiting family while I was gone.  I was happy for her in this respect.  She loves her family and that is a great thing.

Bye bye now!

tetherow3

tetherow1

19
Mar
09

Why are we so scared too….

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fat-guy-on-the-beachI tell the truth here.  I am afraid to take my shirt off in public whether I am around guys or girls or kids or adults.  It does not matter where it is or what I am doing.  I avoiding swimming for years and hot tubs with my wife too, just because I was scared to take off my shirt and let the world see my round globe of a belly.  I honestly don't know what it is such a big deal to me. In fact, I hate the fact that it bothers me because why should I even care what other people think and they probably aren't even thinking about anythin most of the time.

I have lost my weight and it does not make a difference on this subject.  Now I don't want people seeing the loose skin and dang stretch marks.  I bet even if I got a tummy tuck I would feel the same way.  What is that?  What do you guys think?  Do you have a problem with public awarness of your body.  Bikini, bathing suit, tank tops, etc.  You know what I mean.  I want to hear from all of you whay your take is on this?