Creating an atmosphere of confidence in your mind for your journey

image from studentbranding.com

I had a terrific week and a few days ago I wrote a lot about the confidence I had in running long distance training or race runs.  As I ran my 6 mile run today I thought and thought and thought about this but I didn’t know I was until I finished.  I said to myself mid-way that I should go for ten miles because I knew I could do it and it would increase my long run distance build-up faster.  I held back though.  I thought to myself that I am 100% sure that even right now I could push through and battle out a marathon finish.  I mean heck, when there is so much on the line (a finishers shirt!!!  🙂 ) you always finish.  I know I could.  Would it be really fun?  Would it be “relaxing” and benificial?  Would it foster good thoughts or bad ones?  Then it struck me about training for me personally.  My body responds well to pretty much any kind of training I think.  I recover well.  I can go a long ass ways.  But it REALLY struck my that a conservative build-up (like the one I did when I first started running) did more for creating an ATMOSPHERE OF CONFIDENCE within my own mind than it did for creating a super fit person.  Of course the super fit goes along with the running but the multiple ultras and marathons, the way I explained to myself in my writing how I thought and felt going into a race, the sense of almost scoffing at a distance (with respect though) because I had done the work in the trenches far before hand.  It struck me that the ATMOSPHERE OF CONFIDENCE in my own mind was what I need to foster more than anything.  THAT is what creates IN ME the ability to stick with it, the ability to enjoy it, the ability to endure much longer distances.  In other words, I held back.  I cherished the “small” 6 mile victory.  I saw in my minds eye the red line on my confidence meter bump up because I finished my 6 miles in complete comfort and with a sigh of satisfaction followed by a smile.  There is plenty of time to build-up to 20, 30, 40 mile long runs.  I was reminded of the times where I had a 30 mile long run and I felt this exact same way when I finished: in comfort and with a smile.  Not sore for days, happy I did it, confident I could do it again. 

 

It also then dawned on me that training (or even starting exercise for the non-exerciser) is  a work of creating that atmosphere of confidence in the mind.  Making sure to work it in a way to create small victories to maximize and ensure that the confidence builds.  The body will make the changes it needs to, but the mind almost needs to be tricked into believe in itself if that makes sense.  It may seem slow forcing delayed gratification but suddenly you end up doing 50 times more than you ever thought feeling like its easy just like that 6 mile run.  I am committed to this.  Developing that atmosphere of confidence, developing that consistency of victory.  Maybe not moving on too fast but making sure I have lots of victories along the way.  Building, building, building.

 

Hopefully that all made sense because I just rambled a lot. LOL.

Weight loss victory is a matter of perception sometimes.

Today I somehow made my way through the mass tangle of the internet into reading a list of the most expensive cars in the world.  It was pretty amazing that a $150,000.00 car didn’t even come close to making the list.  Below is a picture of one the most expensive cars in the world coming in at around $750,000.00 which oddly enough is about half the price of the most expensive cars.

A SSC Ultimate Aero-V (photo from wix.com)

This got me to thinking about the people who buy these.  To them, buying the 150 grand car is nothing and they could scoff at it.  And then to the person owning the 150 grand car would easily be able to get a 75 grand car.  And then a person from 75 to 50, and then 50, to 20, and so on all the way down to the person who thinks it is the best thing ever to have a 1985 oldmobile in good condition for $1500.00.  It is all a matter of perception. 

I think weight loss is the same way.  A person who has lost 500 lbs may think it is no big deal to have to lose 200 and so on.  Likewise, you can look at the “blow ups” on your journey in particular ways.  A person who gained all their weight back would wish they only gained half, and a person gaining half would wish for only a quarter.  And for me, TODAY, I realized that going way over my points could be looked at like a “blow up” but it really isn’t.  I still have SOME weekly points left.  If I had looked at going so far over as a huge failure I may have just said “EFF” it and started again on monday like we all have done a million times.  Today I chose to be excited that I was still on plan even while going over so much.  I chose to stay positive about it and realize it could have been much more “EXPENSIVE” points wise than it really was. 

I guess I was just reminded that we are all on a journey and no matter what mark we want to get to or what obstacles we face, we are all just people and our goals and hard times are important and real to us.

Staying on plan through all the feelings

It’s funny when I think of it, but bad eating doesn’t just happen when you are bummed out or pissed or some other negative emotion.  It happens when you are happy as heck too.  Food and eating it are closely connected to our emotions.  We use it for birthdays, holidays, and celebrations of all types.  We use it at funerals, work meetings, and vacations.  It is all around us during all our feelings good and bad.  It is possible to stay on your plan though during it all.  Sometimes its hard, sometimes its not, but it is ALWAYS possible.  Today I made it possible with some simple choices and the stuff I ate that was not optimal……………well…………..I just counted it.  Ended the day with one point left actually and that is good news.  LOL!  Even on a day where I felt the whole range of emotions and had lots of opportunites to not count or just blow it all, I hung on.  You can too.

I also got my run in tonight.  It was a dry and cold night.  I started the run just as the sun was setting so I took a pic through some awesome old oak trees.  Check it out and thanks for stopping by to read.

A life lesson from a “tuff” race!

 

photo by strangesports.com

So I have been thinking about this blog post for about two months now and this last race pushed me over the edge to finally be able to articulate in some form what I have wanted to say.  Most of you  know that I think ultra-running parallels life in many interesting ways.  One of the ways is the unexpected blow up.  Just reading what I just wrote possibly brought up your own sacred times in life where you experienced a “blow up”.  Not of temper, not of fire, but of life itself and the dreams that are contained within it.  Times in your life that forced a renegotiation of your goals or path.  We have all experienced this in some form or another.  But what we do with these times is what counts the most.  Avoiding times like these at all costs will not permit you to totally avoid them.  We can plan, we can hope, we can pray, but these times occur regardless.  It is possible to minimize the damage they can cause or possibly their frequency but one thing is for sure; they will happen.  And this is ok.  So I am going to write out one of these the best way I know how because I think you’ll like it and I just need to do it so here it goes.  Picture your own life as I describe the situation in running form.

Ahhhhhhh……….my goal is ahead and I have worked so long and hard and dreamed for so long about it.  I can taste it.  I can almost experience my dream in my mind just pondering on the attainment of the goal.  THAT place is so happy.  I know it will be amazing to get there and the sense of peace I will have knowing that I got my dream.  The journey has been long to get to the starting line but I am here.  I start my race with such joy and comfort knowing what my future hours hold for me.  Running in the breeze thinking how blessed I am to be able to be taking part in life like this.  I meet people along the way that improve my experience greatly.  I find out more about them as we run together.    I know that they are most likely just for a time but at this time it is great to get to know them.  As I am running I see the hills before me without fear because I know I can walk if needed or I can slow it down enough to conserve my energies.  There is no rush really, I have a long race ahead of me but the excitement must be contained so that I don’t burn out on a good thing.  I keep on just getting more excited that my dreams are ahead of my and they will become a reality.  Of course there are rough patches during the run.  My legs burn and I want to rest.  My back is tight and I want to stretch.  Many thoughts come during those rough patches that widdle my dream down to barely possible.  Then the sun shines in through the trees and my life returns as I eat some more carbs.  My mind awakens and I am in “the good” again believing all is possible.  Time moves on and on as I run.  I’m running, I’m running, I’m running.  After a long time of pursuing this dream something happens seemingly out of nowhere.  It’s the blow up.  The blow up is a devastating crushing blow to my mind and emotions.  The dream is shut down and the door feels closed.  Survival is my only thought during a blow up.  That and giving up completely.  I know the end is near enough but the short distance from the present darkness to the light at the end of my great achievement appears to be many more miles than it really is.  My thoughts change from delight in life and running to self questioning and sanity.  “Was I stupid for trying to achieve and experience great things.  Did I bite off more than I can chew.  Will I hurt myself doing this.  Am I in danger in this dark time” .  All the negative thoughts that I was able to conquer regarding my dreams before are now so consuming that I cannot shut them up.  Panic sets into me just as powerfully as the joy set in earlier in my journey.  Will I be able to get what I want so badly out of this now that attaining my original goal is impossible?????  This is where the magic happens in ultra-running AND life.  I know I can’t make it to my original goal.  I am already running longer than my goal finishing time and I have so far to go still.  What am I to do with all of this.  If I give up and quit I still have to walk to the finish because there is now way out of the race (life).  If I keep going through this blow up it’s going to hurt really bad and I don’t want to hurt that bad anymore.  If I just go slower I might as well quit!  But then the renegotiating happens.  At first I hate it because it feels weak like a cop-out but the courage begins to build again but for a new purpose.  The original goal is now very far gone but the endurance and capacity to conquer the blow up now takes precedence.  I find myself realizing that the journey could very possibly be more important than the attainment of the original goal.  The the experience of this hurt, this “failure”, this “shame” could be worth millions more than crossing the finish line without scars.  Although down and out, I forge ahead with a new but painfully real struggle.  I must not let the “blow up” finish me.  Then it hits me, “OMG………..the goal is not me.  I’m me and I don’t have to let the circumstance finish me and in fact I can let it refine me.”  My heart melts at the prospect of making it through this blow up as a better man, as a better more knowledgable runner.  I find great peace in this painful experience knowing that just making it through to the other side of it means so much to me.  And when I cross the finish line where my goal once sat waiting for me to take it, I am thankful for making it at all.  I am thankful for that pain and hurt that even though at the time seemed so intense was really only temporary as compared to the impact it will have on my future runs and life. 

So I think it is with life too.  We all have goals and aspirations and dreams.  Sometimes it is as though we are running through life so smoothly but we don’t see that huge cliff that drops off just ahead.  That cliff that swallows up so much of what we think we have in us to give.  That blow up that takes so much out of us that life seems terribly painful to keep at.  So much is possible for us.  So much is right there for us to become if we can renegotiate the path and the goals.  In a sense I feel like even though we might not get what we originally wanted, we will get the best that is attainable by moving on through the blow up.  Things get painful, and slow, and don’t work on our time line but keeping on develops in us such a tremendous power to achieve the most important thing.  That is to achieve the depth and reality of the person that we can be.

A special gift, a fast run, and losing 4 lbs.

Yesterday I was inspired by a VERY special person to keep on posting on the blog.  She reminded me that my journey was special and that I was special too.  I work a lot of hours and don’t spend a whole lot of time at home anymore.  After work yesterday when I got home, there was a special gift sitting on my front door step.  It was my favorite dessert in the world from Elephants Delicatessen: The infamous ding dong cake.  I could not find a picture of it and it would probably make the strongest of  you fall of the wagon anyway. LOL.  It was just sitting there and enclosed within the bag was a magnificent letter of encouragement.  It made my day and it offered my up a fabulous post run meal.  🙂  Thanks special person!

Once I got over the intense pleasure of receiving a wonderful gift I started to prepare for my run.  Well, after some thank you’s and a 5 minute nap.  I woke up refreshed and looking forward to a good run.  I had 7 miles a goal marathon pace which is about 7:30 minute miles.  I knew it was going to be hard but I was not afraid of that.  I was not afraid of failing in this run.  I took a step out the front door to experience what ever the run would lead me too.  I reached into my running jacket pocket to commence Breaking Benjamin on my Ipod.  As the song Anthem of Angels flooded my ears I began my run halfway down my driveway.  My neighborhood road is exactly .5 mile to the main road I venture out on.  There is a hill just before the main road and I was tired already.  I did not hesitate to walk about 50 feet because I knew I had to run a fast run and walking that short distance would not hurt me.  I was already breathing hard but kept at it.  I got to the main road and settled into my pace.  I ran and ran and ran and listened and listened.  Much emotion was built into this run and it carried me a good distance.  After 3 miles I finally got into my zone and the running felt easier which is odd because usually it takes me a good hour to kick into smooth running.  Step by step, minute after minute, mile after mile………..I made my way back home averaging a pace of 7:29 just like the clock in the pic.  It was a hard run and it was a succesful run.  I am just getting back into running goal paced runs more regularly since the 100 mile attempt last February.  It feels good and I am looking forward to growing in running again. 

I also lost 4 lbs last week.  My workouts with the trainer are going well and I can see changes in my body already.  I will have to lay off the legs though so I will probably be cutting the training down to twice a week really hard without the third day for legs.  I’m STILL keeping on keeping on.

A word for my fellow journy-people:

Sometimes life is smooth sailing.  The trail you are running is clear without obstruction.  You feel good, you are succeeding, you are winning the good fight.  Then comes a steep steep hill.  This hill comes out of nowhere and it scares the crap out of you.  You have no idea how you can make it up such a steep climb and you don’t understand how such a huge obstacle could just appear right in the middle of your smooth sailing  journey.  ITS OK!!!  You will keep at it.  Taking one step at a time climbing higher and higher until you reach the top but it will be hard and that’s ok too.  There may be plateaus mid-hill.  You maybe be able to rest for a moment only realizing you are not at the top and that the weight you carry is just too much to carry on.  There is hope in this hill.  You will learn yourself, you will change, you will become the person you dream of.  You’ll be able to start again up this hill.  And the higher you climb the more the hope that was lost will be begin to build up again.  There is hope, there is victory!

Eating, running, and weight watchers???

Like the homing pigeons above, I need to come home.  I AM GOING TO GO HOME.  I am headed back to weight watchers again tomorrow.  I will admit, I have a sense of shame about going back.  Not because of the weight I have gained or anything like that.  I feel “worthy” of going back but what I feel bad about is stopping my meetings in the first place.  I love them you know.  I care about the people there and they care about me.  There is no reason but full on self-deception that has caused me to stay away.  So today I will make a grand entrance at my “home” once again.  I will go there head high and weigh in.  To be honest, even as I write this I am telling myself that I should not go back.  That I should just stay away and forget about it.  But that is my unhealthy side talking.  I know what works for me.  I know what I like to do for my body.  I have listened and listened and listened to my body for so long now there is really no arguing with what works for me and WW works.  And in fact, it works for an endurance athlete as well.  I have made WW work for ultras and marathons.  It will do the job.  I say “it” but really it is just eating healthy and eating the correct amount of calories.  “It” is like any other normal eating program.  The only difference from what I am doing now is that IT IS NORMAL. LOL. 

I am going to start training hard again with my running and on top of that I will be doing three days a week of resistance training.  I long for this.  I am in recovery from the Strolling Jim at the moment but I will be back hard at it soon enough.  I yearn for the self exploration that it all brings, and the self revelation that I experience.  I can’t wait for the sense of accomplishment DAILY knowing that I am doing the RIGHT thing for my body.  The right thing for my life.  I never would have guessed that running would have become such a part of my life.  I never would have dreamed that I would write a post about my third year of long distance running and that I completed my 22nd long race.  I don’t say this stuff to be arrogant and I hope you don’t see it that way.  As I write I am even humbled by the process.  The process of step by step growth.  The process of learning what and what not to do while running.  I am humbled that I can even call myself a runner and to be honest at this point in my running life I still sometimes don’t think I am a REAL runner.  Now that is crazy because a REAL runner is just a normal person who runs, jogs, walk/jogs, etc.  There is no distance that makes you a runner.  There is no magic number of races that changes your identity to be someone else so that you can finally be a REAL runner.  There is no days per week that you must run to be REAL.  All you have to do is get out there and do it.  Fast or slow, smooth or uncordinated, natural or unnatural.  So I am going to get out there and do some more running becasue I want to.  I don’t have to.  I am the same person with the same worth and the same integrity if I do or don’t.  But I want to run, and I want to experience all that it has to offer me in this short life.

Running through it

Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant.  I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations.  At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today.  I have not been doing ALL BAD!  So I will look on the bright side of things.  I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better.  I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles.  I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back.  I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard.  And the hard stuff is not over yet either.  Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder.  But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all.  It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place.  Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it.  I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc.  But I have not turned my back on running.  I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running.  My come back races were 32 and 41 miles. 

This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together.  It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again.  I am back to exercising with cross-training.  I am excited once again about my running goals.  I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come.  I have to start somewhere.  Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once.  I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can.  i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so.  So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on.  I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be.  I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard.  But I am glad I have learned it.  VERY GLAD.

Do you remember???????????????

This is my journal which contains every step of my journey over the last 6 months. It's got pictures, song lyrics, in-depth reviews of my own emotions, and lots and lots of processing. The small book on top is my newest WW book without any stickers.

Today I am choosing to REMEMBER!  On my way to work I stopped to get my morning coffee (which I am going to hopefully stop soon) and the powerful urge to get a donut or a pepperoni hit me.  I have developed some bad habits in hermitville.  But today I remembered why I started this health journey.  I remembered how it makes me feel to eat donuts on the way to work in my car all by myself so nobody sees.  I remembered how proud I was of myself when I was eating better, not perfect, but better.  So today’s motto is REMEMBER WHY!

Here is why I first started and continue on my journey.

• I was starting to breathe hard just getting out of bed.
• I had a very hard time to get my shoes on.
• I felt like shit about myself because I was not living according to the way I really wanted to.
• Being overweight was like being in an emotional tumble drying, my mind constant knocked me around about it.
• I lived more secretively because I was afraid to be honest about my eating.
• I was more afraid of rejection and that caused a lot of the secretiveness which in turned only caused weight gain.
• I wanted to feel good about the way I was living.
• I wanted to run a marathon someday.
• I wanted to be fit and healthy so that normal activities would be WAY easier.

So those are the things I am rememering today.  What is it that brought you to the starting line of your own journey?  Are they all physical things like skinny jeans, small shirts, flat stomach, etc?  Or were some of them emotional and mental things that brought you to toe the line for the first time or possibly again?

There is no shame at trying again.  There is honor in it though.  EVERYBODY who succeeds has had to try again.  Mess ups happen, it might be a little easier to get back on track if you remember why you wanted to start this journey in the first place.

Point of inspiration and rememberance.

Had a horrible day the other day.  It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general.  Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident.  But……..I got an email from a good friend.  My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it.  I can’t even express the importance of that email to me.  The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING.  The email did not have any information that I don’t already know.  It did not have any secret to success.  It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life.  Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present.  You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life.  He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small.  So his email was a reminder to me.

It is so easy to forget what I have done.  That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs.  He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story.  And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again.  It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again.  I was humbled by the achievements that I had done.  I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way.  I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me.  I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months.  I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have.  The ability to overcome.  I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am.  But yesterday I started out a fresh.  I ate perfectly.  I exercised well.  I thought well of myself.  Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself.  I want to achieve a healthy self respect.

All set with my food

I finally went grocery shopping.  I have not been but once or twice in two or three months.  I have just been having a heck of a time in life but I finally went.  I got what I needed to stay on track until the race and plan to keep on track after the race.  I am looking forward with much anticipation for being more healthy and being more kind to myself in the future.  I will lose the weight I gained, regain some of the confidence that has been destroyed, and build myself back up.  The world has so much to offer and I will take it in.  All that life has to offer both good and bad.

I feel pretty ok today.  So proud of “starting over”.  I have developed a lot of bad habits again but they can be broken just like they were before.  It is an emergency and at the same time not an emergency.  No reason to panic.  No reason to give up.  Just a bump on the road that brings about the need to reconsider and adjust goals.  All is well.

It can happen! Take a step back and reassess.

It can happen to anyone!  Falling into old habits even after losing and keeping 130 lbs off.  In fact, it is pretty easy to fall back into the old ways.  Why is this??  Well, the old ways are the old ways for a reason and they are old because I did them for so long.  Truth be told, the old ways work for what they are used for.  Oh yeah, you heard me.  THere is no denying that eating junk food makes me feel better at the moment I want to feel better.  There is no denying that it tastes wonderful like a party in my mouth.  I just want to shed the false belief that using food for comfort and security does not work.  It does work and if it did not work we would never use food to comfort ourselves.  However, there is a downside as there always is for self-medicating with potentially harmful stuff whether it be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  It brings guilt and shame and weight gain and bodily harm.

So at the practical and reality based advice of another great blogger on the journey, I took a step back to reassess my situation and take a reality check.  I took a step back to way the costs and rewards of my actions.  As  you know I have been on the wayward side of WW for a bit.  I am still right here at my WW goal weight but things have been getting increasingly unhealthy for me both mentally and physically.  Steve’s words yesterday hit me just how I needed it and brought about a major lifting of the veil over my eyes.  Now that he helped me see much more clearly, I am taking my reality check here on the blog.

What is my unhealthy eating doing for me?

Well, like I said, it is making me feel better about whatever I am feeling bad about for the moment.  This is true.  It is also making me feel worse in the long run and causing a great crop of negative thinking to sprout up.  Waying this cost is hard for me because I like the immediate benifit of feeling better and don’t particularly like the delayed gratification that denying myself the junk brings.  BUT, after long thought focused on Steve’s comment, the delayed gratification FAR OUT WEIGHS any other possible benifit that junk food can give.  So for today I feel strong and healthy and resolved with new passion for my health goals.

How is my fear of failure molding my situation?

I am scared to gain it all back.  Unfortunately, the way my little mind works is that when I fear failure I tend not to try as to make sure I don’t fail.  Now taking a step back on this one shows that this is crazy because it is self-fulfilling.  I am scared to fail so I fail on purpose and do the exact thing I am afraid of. HAHAHAHA  No more of this.  The reality in this is that I can’t fail if I just continue to do what I know how to do as far as healthy living goes.  It is a no-brainer really.  I know what to do and that is to keep my eyes on the prize, don’t let go of it, and then make nice little decisions throughout everyday to ensure a victory.  This is not easy at all because the fear is still there but the fear is not as powerful as the full life that can be lived in health.  Self-sabotage many call it.

My addictive side?????

My addictive side grabs hold of that which makes me feel better.  This side of me will barely let go of the medicine.  So when I eat two candy bars with wonderful peanut butter and sugar inside, I feel better for the moment, then my addictive side says, “Oh hell yeah that felt good.  What is wrong with wonderfulness.  Lets keep doing this.”  Contrary to much popular advice that I recieve here and away, small dabbles in such wonderfulness are not a livable scenario for me.  I am often told it is MORE of a lifestyle when I allow this stuff into my life as it is less rigid but I just can’t live that way.  I know myself and taking this reality check helps me to realize that abstinence is the best way to go for several foods in this world.

Negative thinking?

I can get seriously deep into some negative thinking about myself and my journey.  So negative in fact that I can completely forget a good thing that I just accomplished.  This is crazy but it is a reality so why should I deny myself the knowledge of the truth or the opportunity to talk about it.  I can pick out one negative thing out of a sea of positive.  It can be a beautiful day out but I will see a cloud the size of a man’s hand 100 miles away.  HAHAHAHA  I am going to work on this.  WW is not really that hard and it is certainly not impossible.  What is hard is staying on track while I am off track.  The contrary actions.  The lying to myself that I am doing it when I am not doing it.  What the hell!  If I am not doing it I am just going to say to myself I am not doing it and then get back on track.

Inspiration and hardship!

I guess I don’t really need to say AGAIN that I have been having a seriously hard time with food but I will.  My exercise is just fine with the exception that I don’t do any cross-training.  But as far as getting a good calorie burn for the week I am doing well.    It appears that my relationship with food has actually gotten worse as time goes on.   I try really hard but then end up falling for the pepperoni, chips, not counting dinner, etc.  With the amount of running I do (which really is not a lot by marathoner standards) I will not return to my previous weight but I can be/get at a weight that is not at all comfortable.  I guess it is a Romans 7 thing for food and weight loss.  I want so bad to do good but I keep doing what I don’t want to do and can’t seem to do what I really want to do.  Thank you RINGMASTER for helping me in this respect.   I know you don’t know that you helped me but you did.  A LOT.

I feel like I am swimming against the current in a vicious ocean yet when I look around I am just in a wave pool at some water park.  The current isn’t horrible or impossible but my strength wanes.  When I tire or my emotional strength fades, I grab the first life raft (food) possible.  It may appear that I am depressed or despondent. Yet the truth is that I have a great deal of inspiration to forge on, press on to more health, take another step in the right direction.  I have the inspiration to forget about the 50 steps that I might take backwards and the wisdom to take my first step forward.  It is a race for life with a loving God as my primary strength.  I have forgotten this completely.  And I mean completely but I thank Him for the special people who have reminded me of the depth, breadth, and relevance of the REAL race and the REAL strength.

So last night I ate like crap.  Bacon and macaroni and cheese.  That is gone now.  My shirt doesn’t fit like I want it too.  That is leaving now.  My belt doesn’t latch at the previous and glorious indention.  This will change.  I can no longer see the tiny bit of abs that I could see before.  Nevertheless I have hope.  I believe in that which is not yet seen .  I will not give up.  I will never despair.  I can change once again both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  He has not given up and neither will I.

So much to be thankful for.  So much to remember.  So much ground that has been gained.  Miracles that have happened to me and my body.  It is all real and today I chose to remember.  Below are some very potent and special lyrics.   Read them and ponder them.  They actually mean something.  If you can guess the author that would be cool too.  I put a picture of him at the top. HAHAHAHA  That is not me up there.

Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God that I’m breathing. Then I pray dont’ take me soon ’cause I am hear for a reason.  Sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds; I know someday it’ll all turn around.

It’s not about win or lose because we all lose when they feed on the souls of the innocent. Blood drenched pavement.  Keep on movin’ though the waters stay ragin’.  In this maze you can lose your way it might drive you crazy but don’t let it faze you no way.  Sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds; I know someday it’ll all turn around.

So far so good on WW weight loss.

Weight Watchers

I have been doing WW the way it is supposed to be done now for three full days.  I can feel the positive momentum building up and the negative habits slowly but surely losing ground to a healthy life.  I have not really went off the tracks to bad but I have definitely allowed some bad eating habits to emerge once again.  I am so thankful for all the encouragement and help that I receive from the readers.  I weighed the same at my weight watchers meeting last night basically and the momentum has not had a chance to really take “weight loss effect” yet.  In another week or so things should be rolling pretty good.

Running

My running is progressing along just fine.  I did my speed-work last night and although it was difficult it was manageable even only two weeks after the 50 miler.  I have another hard run tonight and then a day off.  After that I am thrust into a HUGE running weekend.  I feel like my weight is impacting my running negatively.  I don’t weigh much more than I have in the past but even 8-10 lbs is a lot to carry for 26+ miles.  I can’t wait until I lose this weight again.

Emotions

I feel like I am on an upswing in the emotional area.  I am starting to be more positive again.  I have my doubts about being able to lose my 10-15 pounds, but I am trying not to dwell on those.  Rather, I am trying very hard to stay positive and believe that all things are possible through Him who strengthens me.  I have a major tendency to get depressed and when I do things tend to fall apart for WW.  I get a bit hopeless without logical reason.  I am working through this.

New Secret came in today. 73 secrets are now disclosed on the secret page

It has been a little while since the secret page has been used, but today we have the blessing of sharing the journey with a secret person.  They have confessed their emotions to get liberated.  Come and read the new secret HERE.

White River 50 Miler Race Report! Long post with pics.

This was by far the most difficult event that I have ever experienced!!  I did this same race last year but this year was much harder.  Many ups and downs.  Many calm and chaotic moments.  In fact, it seemed as though I experienced just about everything during this race.  It was an intensely humbling and cleansing 11 hours and 48 minutes.  I have several pictures and stories of the race so keep reading.

Here I am at the start of the race at 5:30 a.m.  I have my three drop bags in my right hand and my water bottles in the other.  At this point I am a bit nervous about the journey but also very excited.  The early starters took off in into the mountains with a calm spirit.  Two miles into the race my watch beeped to let me know that the signal from my foot pod (the thing that tells me my pace) was lost.  I stopped for about 10 minutes to look for it and finally found it.  Then I looked at my shoe to find the clip that holds the pod onto the shoe and it also was gone. I got mad and threw the foot pod out into the forest.  About a mile later I realized I was looking at the wrong shoe and the clip was still there. DAMN IT!!  I thew a $100 foot pod away for nothing.  This was mentally discouraging because from that point on I never knew how far nor how fast I was running.

Here is a nice shot of what much of the 50 mile trail looked like.  Lots of roots, lots of elevation change, and lots of dust.  My legs were almost black at the finish line.  The fact that it was a trail run is also a major factor in what and how sore I get.  My ankles are very sore now because of the different terrain.  There is also a lot of leaping and jumping involved.

Miles 1-8:  After losing the foot pod my mental side of things kind of pooped out.  Around mile 6 my legs were burning on the up-hills.  This was also alarming but I knew I had to press on.

Miles 9-17:  This was basically the first climb up the first major hill.  It is a very steep and long hill that occasionally had ladders/stairs to get you up to other parts of the trails.  I was still in pretty good spirits though and I usually pass a lot of people going up because my walk is pretty fast.  The down hill sections are the ones were I usually get passed by others.  Once I got to the top of the first hill it was a relief but I knew that it was still only the beginning.

Here I am at the 27.2 mile aid station.  It took me 5 hours and 23 minutes to get there.  My wonderful wife met me with some water and socks.   I washed off my feet and changed socks.  What a refreshing feeling it was just to change my socks.  I had a blister developing on the ball of each foot at this point.  These blisters were not show stoppers by any means but they were still there.  At this point I told my wife that I was having a tough time with the run and that it was harder than last year.  It did feel good to be half-way finished but the long down-hill tromp took a tool on my legs.  The turns at the switch backs were really hard because you have to come to almost a stop to make the turn and that takes a lot of leg power when going down hill.

After a 3 or 4 minute rest, I am off again to tackle the second major climb of 8 miles.  The second climb is a bit shorter but also a bit steeper.  By the time I got to the top I was stumbling around a little. HAHAHAHA  Feeling a little fresher from my rest felt good mentally but I knew that the next 8 miles was going to hurt.  This section is also mostly exposed to the direct heat of the sun.  This complicated matters for my attitude.

Miles 27-37:  This was gruesome.  I inched my way up that gigantic hill running any flat or down hill portions.  This hill also contain lots of rocks which frustrated my ankles and hips.  When I got to the top one of the aid station volunteers was worried about me because I was stumbling and maybe swaying a little.  I told her that I was stumbling and that I planned to sit down for about 10 minutes to rejuvenate.  So I did just that.  At the top of the mountain I sat down and the aid station people when to work on me.  They sponge bathed my head, arms and legs.  Got my water bottles filled up with my calorie drink.  Got me some Mt. Dew to drink to get me pepped up right away.  They asked me questions to make certain that I was coherent and ready to run again.  After that I was off to tackle the most difficult section of the race in my opinion.  It is a steep 7 mile down hill on a gravel road.

Here are two photos of the view from climb #2.  That is Mt. Rainier with the snow on it.  Keep in mind that the trail that I was running on was basically a ski resort without the snow so that gives you a small glimpse of the steepness of the trails.  And believe me, running down the trails IS NOT EASIER than running up the trail.

This is just another view of the majestic wilderness of the Mt. Ranier National Forest.

My beautiful wife came to the race with me.  Boy she makes it so much more fun.  I love my wife so much and her presence at this race made so much difference to me.  You know when you are a kid and you hurt yourself out of the presence of your mom. You don’t cry at all but the moment that you see your mom you start to cry.  Well, that is exactly what I did.  After I finished the race my wife asked me how it was and I told her it was the hardest thing I had ever gone through and started to cry.  I held it in because so many people were around but if they weren’t I would have just balled right there in her lap.

Crossing the finish line was a major relief.  I thought probably 100’s of time that I just couldn’t make it but I did.  Races like these go much deeper mentally than shorter ones.  It was a very trying experience but I would certainly do it again.  When I finished, there were still about 90 people out on the course and about 50 of those would eventually finish.  The rest either did not make the 14 hour cut-off time or just had to stop running for whatever reason.  Whatever happens, everyone who gets to the starting line is a winner in my book.

Moments after the finish I took a much appreciated rest on my wife’s blanket to take in some hydration and watch others finish.  The after glow was nice and the amazement of the accomplishment was very heavy in this picture.

Imagery for escapism.

image credit: homeyra.files.wordpress

In talking with a friend the other day about my own former and present desire to escape using food, drugs, etc., I shared an imaginative word picture to describe the reality of trying to escape. 

I may have shared this before but I can’t really remember.  I hate rejection.  I hate knowing or feeling like the people I love are mad at me.  It hurts me and I don’t deal with it good and when I feel like they are mad at me I sometimes eat to escape the feeling.  I used to drink to escape it, then I ate to escape it, maybe now I run to escape it.  Not sure but the point is that you really can’t escape the feelings and emotions and the situations of life.  We can try as hard as we want to but life goes on and so will the chaos around us.  We must walk on and fight our way through it.  I can’t escape, so maybe I should stop trying too.

Here is my word picture.  Sit back and relax.  Try and really picture this little imagery story in your mind as you read it.  Try to “see” it.  It impacted me greatly years ago and I find it to be true to this day.

As you get high or drunk or sugar drunk, you slowly yet peacefully start to rise up and float away from your chaotic surroundings.  All the craziness and hurt disappears as it gets smaller and smaller while you move towards the clouds.  You look down with a sigh of relief that all the crap is going bye bye.  It is becoming smaller to you even second.  Now you are in the clouds.  You have forgotten the chaos.  Enjoying yourself.  The peace, the quiet, the relief.  Of but wait a minute.  You start to float back downward.  You body leaves the clouds then your head.  You can begin to see the remnants of the chaos below as it grows in size.  Closer.  Cloooser.  Even closer now.  You abruptly touch down exactly in the same spot from which you left.  Nothing has changed.  Nothing is better.  You landed safe and sound but everything you were trying to accomplish by going up into the clouds is frivolous now.  You are in the same spot as you were before and the chaos is the same or it may have even grown in magnitude.  Then you try to go up again…….

Now think about if you spend years trying to escape only to find that you have lost that many years.  You keep trying to get away but life keeps on going by and when escaping doesn’t work you end up back where you started only further behind.  Food can’t do it.  Alcohol and drugs can’t do it.  Sex can’t do it.  Love can’t do it.  Nothing will work when you are trying to escape.  We can do this.  We can learn and grow and change so that we don’t have to try to escape and avoid anymore.  We can move on from the hurts.

Deep calling out to deep…. Weight loss inspirations comes from the real side of people!!

image credit: http://www.mpi.org

THIS IS A LONG POST BUT A GOOD ONE!!!!!!!

A great discussion broke out in the comments section of my post on “Going it alone”.  The conversation basically took a turn towards what actually inspires people.  Some readers and myself were somewhat amazed that people would be inspired by us because we know we fall short in so many ways.  This is a guest blog by cool Kimand I am also going to add my thoughts to hers.  This post is itself a dialogue of sorts.  So sit back and enjoy.  You will be moved to new heights in being real about your failures.  I was going to post each comment here but as I read them I realized that more people were in on the same subject of conversation than I had originally realized.  Please take a moment and read through these comments. 

Here are the comments that birthed this post.

Read the guest blog and my post below:

Why not go it alone……

I got a comment the other day that had a very cool quote in it.  I don’t think it is a famous quote, I think it actually just came from the persons heart.  It was impactful to me.  Why don’t we just go it alone on our weight loss journey?  I don’t think that it’s a good idea to try to do it all by ourselves.  Here is the quote:

“This journey is forever, better to all walk together!”

To go it alone for the rest of your life can get really lonely.  To go it alone forever keeps people out of your life who would have been able to help you and enrich your days.  To go it alone means that you don’t get a chance to impact others for good.  This healthy journey is forever.  I am very sorry if you don’t like this aspect of it, but if you think that reaching goal means that you don’t have to care anymore, you are wrong.   It is so much easier to care when we have others to care about and who will care for us too.

The Ironman Athlete Day: Motivational Post

Ok, I have to admit. I cried my eyes out at working watching this first video. It is a motivating film to inspire prospective Ironman athletes and their families of the joy and inspiration felt in training for and competing in the world’s toughest endurance race, the Ironman Triathlon. Swim 2.4 miles, Bike 112 miles, Run 26.2 miles, Brag the rest of your life!

This next video shows the 2006 Ironman Hawaii. It has real people doing the real thing. I have watched this video many times in the last year. Check it out. YOU CAN!!!

Small glimpse of the Boston Marathon.

Hello everyone. I am out of town this weekend so I cannot post, approve comments, and reply to anyone. I thought I would schedule a couple of videos for today and tomorrow for you to enjoy. This video is from a running coach in my part of the country and it is about the Boston Marathon. It is a goal of mine to run in one someday. The Boston Marathon must be qualified for and for me to get in I would need to run a 3:10 marathon I think. That is a pace in the low 7 minutes per mile. Enjoy.