A life lesson from a “tuff” race!

 

photo by strangesports.com

So I have been thinking about this blog post for about two months now and this last race pushed me over the edge to finally be able to articulate in some form what I have wanted to say.  Most of you  know that I think ultra-running parallels life in many interesting ways.  One of the ways is the unexpected blow up.  Just reading what I just wrote possibly brought up your own sacred times in life where you experienced a “blow up”.  Not of temper, not of fire, but of life itself and the dreams that are contained within it.  Times in your life that forced a renegotiation of your goals or path.  We have all experienced this in some form or another.  But what we do with these times is what counts the most.  Avoiding times like these at all costs will not permit you to totally avoid them.  We can plan, we can hope, we can pray, but these times occur regardless.  It is possible to minimize the damage they can cause or possibly their frequency but one thing is for sure; they will happen.  And this is ok.  So I am going to write out one of these the best way I know how because I think you’ll like it and I just need to do it so here it goes.  Picture your own life as I describe the situation in running form.

Ahhhhhhh……….my goal is ahead and I have worked so long and hard and dreamed for so long about it.  I can taste it.  I can almost experience my dream in my mind just pondering on the attainment of the goal.  THAT place is so happy.  I know it will be amazing to get there and the sense of peace I will have knowing that I got my dream.  The journey has been long to get to the starting line but I am here.  I start my race with such joy and comfort knowing what my future hours hold for me.  Running in the breeze thinking how blessed I am to be able to be taking part in life like this.  I meet people along the way that improve my experience greatly.  I find out more about them as we run together.    I know that they are most likely just for a time but at this time it is great to get to know them.  As I am running I see the hills before me without fear because I know I can walk if needed or I can slow it down enough to conserve my energies.  There is no rush really, I have a long race ahead of me but the excitement must be contained so that I don’t burn out on a good thing.  I keep on just getting more excited that my dreams are ahead of my and they will become a reality.  Of course there are rough patches during the run.  My legs burn and I want to rest.  My back is tight and I want to stretch.  Many thoughts come during those rough patches that widdle my dream down to barely possible.  Then the sun shines in through the trees and my life returns as I eat some more carbs.  My mind awakens and I am in “the good” again believing all is possible.  Time moves on and on as I run.  I’m running, I’m running, I’m running.  After a long time of pursuing this dream something happens seemingly out of nowhere.  It’s the blow up.  The blow up is a devastating crushing blow to my mind and emotions.  The dream is shut down and the door feels closed.  Survival is my only thought during a blow up.  That and giving up completely.  I know the end is near enough but the short distance from the present darkness to the light at the end of my great achievement appears to be many more miles than it really is.  My thoughts change from delight in life and running to self questioning and sanity.  “Was I stupid for trying to achieve and experience great things.  Did I bite off more than I can chew.  Will I hurt myself doing this.  Am I in danger in this dark time” .  All the negative thoughts that I was able to conquer regarding my dreams before are now so consuming that I cannot shut them up.  Panic sets into me just as powerfully as the joy set in earlier in my journey.  Will I be able to get what I want so badly out of this now that attaining my original goal is impossible?????  This is where the magic happens in ultra-running AND life.  I know I can’t make it to my original goal.  I am already running longer than my goal finishing time and I have so far to go still.  What am I to do with all of this.  If I give up and quit I still have to walk to the finish because there is now way out of the race (life).  If I keep going through this blow up it’s going to hurt really bad and I don’t want to hurt that bad anymore.  If I just go slower I might as well quit!  But then the renegotiating happens.  At first I hate it because it feels weak like a cop-out but the courage begins to build again but for a new purpose.  The original goal is now very far gone but the endurance and capacity to conquer the blow up now takes precedence.  I find myself realizing that the journey could very possibly be more important than the attainment of the original goal.  The the experience of this hurt, this “failure”, this “shame” could be worth millions more than crossing the finish line without scars.  Although down and out, I forge ahead with a new but painfully real struggle.  I must not let the “blow up” finish me.  Then it hits me, “OMG………..the goal is not me.  I’m me and I don’t have to let the circumstance finish me and in fact I can let it refine me.”  My heart melts at the prospect of making it through this blow up as a better man, as a better more knowledgable runner.  I find great peace in this painful experience knowing that just making it through to the other side of it means so much to me.  And when I cross the finish line where my goal once sat waiting for me to take it, I am thankful for making it at all.  I am thankful for that pain and hurt that even though at the time seemed so intense was really only temporary as compared to the impact it will have on my future runs and life. 

So I think it is with life too.  We all have goals and aspirations and dreams.  Sometimes it is as though we are running through life so smoothly but we don’t see that huge cliff that drops off just ahead.  That cliff that swallows up so much of what we think we have in us to give.  That blow up that takes so much out of us that life seems terribly painful to keep at.  So much is possible for us.  So much is right there for us to become if we can renegotiate the path and the goals.  In a sense I feel like even though we might not get what we originally wanted, we will get the best that is attainable by moving on through the blow up.  Things get painful, and slow, and don’t work on our time line but keeping on develops in us such a tremendous power to achieve the most important thing.  That is to achieve the depth and reality of the person that we can be.

Still running.

I did 5 miles today.  My legs are having a hard time recovering from my last two long runs.  One was 63 that you all know about and the other was 25 last weekend.  My legs felt pretty good in the 25 miler but the runs this week were damn hard.  My legs felt like lead and they felt like that were straight all the time stiff like.  But I am still out there.  I am still going for it.  I am still in great shape.  It was a beautiful day this morning during my run.  The sun was in full effect, motorcycles were out enjoying the warmth, people were dressed in slightly warm weather clothes.   I saw each of them as I tromped on by them as I took one smooth step after the other.  The air was refreshing and crisp.  I listened to Mariachi music for the whole run which put a romantic touch to the time outside.  So although my legs are mourning the abuse for a bit, it was an extrememly great experience to have on this wonderful day

Do you remember???????????????

This is my journal which contains every step of my journey over the last 6 months. It's got pictures, song lyrics, in-depth reviews of my own emotions, and lots and lots of processing. The small book on top is my newest WW book without any stickers.

Today I am choosing to REMEMBER!  On my way to work I stopped to get my morning coffee (which I am going to hopefully stop soon) and the powerful urge to get a donut or a pepperoni hit me.  I have developed some bad habits in hermitville.  But today I remembered why I started this health journey.  I remembered how it makes me feel to eat donuts on the way to work in my car all by myself so nobody sees.  I remembered how proud I was of myself when I was eating better, not perfect, but better.  So today’s motto is REMEMBER WHY!

Here is why I first started and continue on my journey.

• I was starting to breathe hard just getting out of bed.
• I had a very hard time to get my shoes on.
• I felt like shit about myself because I was not living according to the way I really wanted to.
• Being overweight was like being in an emotional tumble drying, my mind constant knocked me around about it.
• I lived more secretively because I was afraid to be honest about my eating.
• I was more afraid of rejection and that caused a lot of the secretiveness which in turned only caused weight gain.
• I wanted to feel good about the way I was living.
• I wanted to run a marathon someday.
• I wanted to be fit and healthy so that normal activities would be WAY easier.

So those are the things I am rememering today.  What is it that brought you to the starting line of your own journey?  Are they all physical things like skinny jeans, small shirts, flat stomach, etc?  Or were some of them emotional and mental things that brought you to toe the line for the first time or possibly again?

There is no shame at trying again.  There is honor in it though.  EVERYBODY who succeeds has had to try again.  Mess ups happen, it might be a little easier to get back on track if you remember why you wanted to start this journey in the first place.

Point of inspiration and rememberance.

Had a horrible day the other day.  It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general.  Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident.  But……..I got an email from a good friend.  My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it.  I can’t even express the importance of that email to me.  The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING.  The email did not have any information that I don’t already know.  It did not have any secret to success.  It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life.  Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present.  You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life.  He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small.  So his email was a reminder to me.

It is so easy to forget what I have done.  That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs.  He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story.  And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again.  It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again.  I was humbled by the achievements that I had done.  I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way.  I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me.  I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months.  I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have.  The ability to overcome.  I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am.  But yesterday I started out a fresh.  I ate perfectly.  I exercised well.  I thought well of myself.  Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself.  I want to achieve a healthy self respect.

All set with my food

I finally went grocery shopping.  I have not been but once or twice in two or three months.  I have just been having a heck of a time in life but I finally went.  I got what I needed to stay on track until the race and plan to keep on track after the race.  I am looking forward with much anticipation for being more healthy and being more kind to myself in the future.  I will lose the weight I gained, regain some of the confidence that has been destroyed, and build myself back up.  The world has so much to offer and I will take it in.  All that life has to offer both good and bad.

I feel pretty ok today.  So proud of “starting over”.  I have developed a lot of bad habits again but they can be broken just like they were before.  It is an emergency and at the same time not an emergency.  No reason to panic.  No reason to give up.  Just a bump on the road that brings about the need to reconsider and adjust goals.  All is well.

So far so good on WW weight loss.

Weight Watchers

I have been doing WW the way it is supposed to be done now for three full days.  I can feel the positive momentum building up and the negative habits slowly but surely losing ground to a healthy life.  I have not really went off the tracks to bad but I have definitely allowed some bad eating habits to emerge once again.  I am so thankful for all the encouragement and help that I receive from the readers.  I weighed the same at my weight watchers meeting last night basically and the momentum has not had a chance to really take “weight loss effect” yet.  In another week or so things should be rolling pretty good.

Running

My running is progressing along just fine.  I did my speed-work last night and although it was difficult it was manageable even only two weeks after the 50 miler.  I have another hard run tonight and then a day off.  After that I am thrust into a HUGE running weekend.  I feel like my weight is impacting my running negatively.  I don’t weigh much more than I have in the past but even 8-10 lbs is a lot to carry for 26+ miles.  I can’t wait until I lose this weight again.

Emotions

I feel like I am on an upswing in the emotional area.  I am starting to be more positive again.  I have my doubts about being able to lose my 10-15 pounds, but I am trying not to dwell on those.  Rather, I am trying very hard to stay positive and believe that all things are possible through Him who strengthens me.  I have a major tendency to get depressed and when I do things tend to fall apart for WW.  I get a bit hopeless without logical reason.  I am working through this.

New Secret came in today. 73 secrets are now disclosed on the secret page

It has been a little while since the secret page has been used, but today we have the blessing of sharing the journey with a secret person.  They have confessed their emotions to get liberated.  Come and read the new secret HERE.

Why are we so scared too….

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I tell the truth here.  I am afraid to take my shirt off in public whether I am around guys or girls or kids or adults.  It does not matter where it is or what I am doing.  I avoiding swimming for years and hot tubs with my wife too, just because I was scared to take off my shirt and let the world see my round globe of a belly.  I honestly don't know what it is such a big deal to me. In fact, I hate the fact that it bothers me because why should I even care what other people think and they probably aren't even thinking about anythin most of the time.

I have lost my weight and it does not make a difference on this subject.  Now I don't want people seeing the loose skin and dang stretch marks.  I bet even if I got a tummy tuck I would feel the same way.  What is that?  What do you guys think?  Do you have a problem with public awarness of your body.  Bikini, bathing suit, tank tops, etc.  You know what I mean.  I want to hear from all of you whay your take is on this?

Blind eyes opened. On the verge of giving up. Very meaningful post for me (Long)

Winston Churchill

This is just on my heart to write about today.  It is a common feeling to want to give up on weight loss.  I have felt like giving up on myself so many times since I started my weight loss journey that I could not even begin to count how many of these “episodes” that I have had.  I have noticed one common theme during times like this.  I am completely blinded to the truth.  It is as though I have no comprehension of what is “actually” going on.  I get into the negative just a little to deep and I can’t see the light anymore.  I see hopelessness, impossibility, failure as the only option, fear, and worry.  And although the way I am feeling is totally real, my feelings at the time are not based on reality.  My feelings during these times are based on a false perception that I have constructed in my own mind.  That false perception is that I can’t make it to where I want to go.

What do I do about this?  I don’t get like this that much anymore, but it still does happen.  It happens to all of us and not just regarding our weight loss journey.  I think that this is a normal thing the happens in all kinds of aspects of our lives.  I wanted to quit when my masters degree got really tough, I wanted to quit my job when it got crazy and out of control, I wanted to leave when I was fighting with family and wife, but I didn’t.  Why didn’t I quit when the going got tuff?  Because staying in my job, in my marriage, getting my degree, loving my family, and making it to my weight loss goal was worth the temporary pain and hurt whether is was emotional or physical.  It is temporary!!  It won’t last forever.  The pain of not losing will stick with you far longer than the pain of momentary failure will.  Plus, the joy of conquering the momentary failures and moving past and through them is a personal growth point that cannot be replaced.  Read on to find out more info. about winning the fight when you want to give up.

Weight watchers. Opinionated ramblings about getting real with health and weight loss.

How is it that we are to lose weight and keep it off.  I am going to randomly vent some theory out today about various aspects of the weight loss journey.  It is a little long winded but it feels good to let it out.  It’s all hyped up into something spectacular when in reality it is just normal, this journey.  It is the same as every other journey we partake in.   Only the results are life changing.  This is why we make it into the impossible when it really is not impossible at all.

Is food bad?               

Food.  Why is food such a problem?  It is crazy that a relationship with food can be so distorted and unhealthy.  Weight Watchers has really helped me with my relationship with food.  Blogging has helped with this also. I am learning and becoming comfortable with not using food in an unhealthy way.  I mean what is food anyway.  Food is energy.  Food is survival.  But also food is emotional.  Food is relational.  Food is attached to memories.  I am  rambling here but food is not the center of the universe even though I think it is sometimes. 

Weight loss efforts BETTER HELP ME eat in a real world

This means no avoidant behavior.  Sure in the beginning of the journey it is good to avoid lots of things, but in the long run I have to learn to ease back into life in a healthy way.  On weight watchers, you can eat whatever you want as long as you count the points and follow the good health guidelines set up by the government.  You know, the food pyramid people.  They devised good health guidelines that people should follow.  It is a baseline of healthy living basically.  It is odd because for me just to read even in my own blog that the government (USDA) is telling me what healthy eating is almost makes me not want to eat that way.  I won’t go into that though.  I say all this because it is so important to take advantage of the variety that weight watchers offers.  Even if you don’t do weight watchers it is important to get variety.  It is essential to eat the things that you like, even the things that are special to you because of some memory and such.  To deprive yourself and become super strict with your eating seems to be one of the main behaviors that bring people to failure in life long health.  Look at skinny people, they monitor what they eat for the most part but they don’t refuse to eat a donut for years on end either.  They eat donuts but they don’t eat 4 or 8 or 12.  They just eat one and move on in life.  To them a donut is a donut.  It is a tasty treat that is ok to eat.  This is what I want for myself.  I want to learn and become more effective at eating many foods.  I want to learn how to eat 1 donut and move on.  I want to learn how not to be afraid of going out to eat or walking into a See’s Candy and losing control.  I have to learn how to do this.  It is just not realistic to think I am never going to eat a particular food again or be in a particular food situation again.  I am tired of hiding from the situations that scare me.  I am going to avoid any diet/eating program that is too strict as if it were a life threatening disease.

Glad I was fat. Learning to live healthy

It may shock you that I am glad that I was over weight and obese.  Where would I be today if I never had been fat.  I would be a skinny sick person who was living an unhealthy lifestyle.  Not to say that all naturally thin people live like this, but I know that I would have.  If I just had the natural metabolism to keep me looking thin I would be eating much less healthy food and other stuff like that. 

I think that being in the position that I would die if I didn’t lose the weight really turned my life around health wise.  My cholesterol went from 305 or so to 151 in just one year.  I never would have changed that if I didn’t have to lose weight.  I never would have finished a marathon if I didn’t first start running to burn some calories.  Who knows, if I was thin I wouldn’t have even thought it necessary to burn a few extra calories.

So maybe all the horror and sadness that went with being obese helped me out in a way.  Now I am on my way to living so much healthier in all aspects of life.  I am in great shape now.  I am looking lean.  The doctor says everything is A-OK.  The chewing thing is becoming a thing of the past.  I don’t drink anymore.  I exercise regularly and make it a part of my life that I partake with my wife.

So for today at least, I am looking at my past as a blessing in disguise.

Scared to be thin! Are you? Part one of the “fear” series.

Good morning to all and to all a good morning.  I have received a couple of emails describing a fear that is not talked about often.  It is a fear of reaching goal, of looking thin and sexy and lean and happy.  Why would this be a fear you ask?  Well, that is what I am leaping into today.    Why would a person be scared to reach goal and finally be thin.

Goal modification: Weight loss and Exercise

Graffiti art by Bansky

Sometimes in mid stride I have to modify and adjust my goals.  I had a wee bit of a tuff time recently because Saturday Feb. 7th was race day for the 100 miler that I was training for.  I did not make it to the race.  It was not that I couldn’t have made it, but I chose to modify my goals mid stride to make my life healthier.  Coming up with my goals, and then modifying them or my game plan to achieve them is a constant and living process.  I am always making new goals.  As I set out to attain them I hit different obstacles or road blocks that bring about a necessity to make changes.  Here are a couple of examples

Do you do this!

image credit: http://www.vegsource.com

A fellow blogger reminded me of something that I know all to well but had forgotten about.  Maybe you know about it too.  It is those situations where you make fun of your weight to get the first shot in because you think other people want to get a shot in about your weight.  Here is what the blogger said in the comment:

“Its a hard habit to break when there have been so many years of self-deprecating humor and mean comments directed towards myself (by me) in an attempt beat others to the punch and let them know that I’m fully aware of my fat (when in all likelihood, the majority of them weren’t even the least bit concerned with my fat).”

Have you been the victim of your own “fat jokes”.  I certainly have.  I can’t even count the number of times that I joked about my weight just because I felt uncomfortable with it.  I wanted to make people laugh about it and when they did I secretly felt hurt in a way on the inside.  I can’t recall the exact things that I used to, and sometimes still say.  It is odd to me that I still do this even though most of my fat is gone.  But the comment blew me away.  The light bulb went off and I thought, “Oh my God,I did that for so long too.  This is not a healthy thing to do, but I and so many others have or still do it.”

What do you think, can we stop making fun of ourselves and maybe just take things for what they are and move towards health?  What are some of the things you used to say to make yourself the “butt of the joke”?  Did you or do you do this kind of self-depreciating joking?  Let us know!

The secret page was updated today! Come and share your own secret!

UPDATED ON 2/13/2009:  THERE ARE NOW 63  LIBERATING SECRETS ON THE PAGE

Subscribe HERE for your own special secret updates!

Ok everyone.  The liberating page called Secret Confessions: Get Liberated!  is working out very well.  This is a special place to get those secrets about our journey that are sitting in the dark into the light so that we can  move towards health.  I really encourage you to use this page because it will help tremendously in difficult times.  Here is an example from Secret Poster #59’s victory:

Secret Poster #59 reporting in.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I just told the other person we cannot talk anymore. They understood and respected me, and my wishes. For those of you that pray, please pray for me. I’m crying and didn’t realize just how hard this would be, but I know it is the right thing. I think that part of it being hard is that fact that you have to face that there is something wrong in your marriage. That’s the hardest part of all. This has been a long stressful day for me and I must tell you all I wanted to do was eat. I chewed on a big wad of gum all day and wanted to pig out at McDonald’s, but didn’t. I ended up at SUBWAY getting a foot long, only eating 6 inches and putting the other half away for work tomorrow, so in the midst of all this pain I still made healthy decisions. At least there’s a silver lining somewhere in all this. Anyway, good night. Thanks again for all the love and support. It really got me through this MAJOR temptation in my life.  I just wanted to thank everyone again for their support.  I was able to get to sleep right away and probably have the best night sleep in a long time.  I feel like a new person and like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my back.  Again, I appreciate everyone here and Jason I really appreciate all you do to help, encourage, and inspire us.  you are a true friend.

When you leave your secret comment, only the secret confession will show up on the page.  There are additional instructions if you want to leave a comment so that not even I know who you are.  I figured that this would help a lot of people realize that they are not alone.   Each day the Secret page is updated, I will change the information above and put this post at the top of the front page.  This will let everyone know that the page is being used.  Feel free to check it out.

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

Win a run4change T-shirt. Why I felt amazing here, contest!!!

 

 

 

So many of you mentioned that you loved one of the most popular posts here at run4change.  Some of you thought that the post theme would make a great T-shirt.  Then, one of you mentioned that the cool T-shirt should be the prize for the winner of a contest held here at the blog.  So I did a contest to see who could come up with a great contest idea and you all voted on the one that you thought I should use for this contest.  Here is the idea that you voted for me to use for this T-shirt contest:

How about submitting a pic with a short description: “Why I felt amazing here.” It could be a way to focus on times when we FELT great regardless of size/appearance.

You loved the idea and so did I.  So now it is time for the contest.  Read on to find out how you can participate and win a run4change T-shirt (I will be getting the shirt made after the contest is over so I know what sizes to get).

Feeling better, here is my plan to move forward.

I know I was feelin’ pretty bad yesterday, but it is a new day today.  I got through yesterday without going off my program and I did very well with my food and exercise.  I did a 6 mile run at 8:50’s and it felt really good.  Legs a bit tired but it was a nice run on a nice day.  I had a healthy dinner and finished off the night well.  If you want to find out what I am going to do in order to move forward, keep reading.

Long road ahead? Simple ways to shorten the weight loss road!

Image credit: photos.anthonyordille.org

In the beginning, the road to my weight loss goal seemed impossibly loooooong.  In my minds eye, I saw it as a straight road that I could not see the end of.  It slowly climbed upward and yet it had hills and valleys throughout.  Looking back, maybe it was the Strolling Jim 40 mile course, HAHA, just kidding.  It was a hilly course though, very much so.  Here are a couple of pics for the fun of it

img. credit: http://www.tynesweb.com

img. credit:www.tynesweb.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, the road that I was about to start walking (weight loss journey road) seemed longer than imaginable.  The vast amount of weight that I needed to lose coupled with the large number of bad habits that had to be replaced was it’s own discouraging weight.  “Can I do this?” I asked myself.  In fact, I asked myself for years before I even got to the starting line.  Finally I was there at the start, 307.6 lbs.  I had a long way to go.

Now that I am at goal and able to look back, I realize that breaking up the journey into bite sized, achievable pieces was very valuable.  I think I would have lost heart had I not broken it up into smaller chunks.  I mean heck, I just about lost heart even with the smaller pieces.

So no matter how much weight you have to lose and no matter how many habits you feel you need to change, it is possible.  You will end up at goal if you just keep plugging along.  Here are a couple of ways that I broke my journey to goal into smaller pieces.

• I made my weight loss goal 5 lbs.  I knew I had a lot to lose, but WW hands out these stars for every five pounds lost.  Those stars meant a lot to me and I made that my primary weight loss goal, collecting stars.  Just 5 more lbs, come on baby!
• I set a small goal of increasing my activity by 5 minutes.  This doesn’t seem like much, but I couldn’t do much in the beginning.  Knowing that I could do 5 more minutes was really meaningful to me.  It slowly increased my fitness and I felt less threatened by it.  Kicking it up 30 minutes may have discouraged me.
• I made it a goal to slowly add more veggies and healthy food.  In the beginning, I ate more “junky” food.  I thank God for that because it allowed me to not feel deprived in my journey.  As I began to like healthier things, I added them in.  I did not just make a huge change and start eating all perfectly healthy and clean.  I did stay in my points, but you get what I mean.  I had done the drastic changes before and hated the deprivation that I felt.
• I made it a goal to slowly become more accountable and talk about my weight loss journey and what it meant to me.  I figured from the start that I would have to come clean and talk about the travels down the long road.  I just couldn’t come clean all at once.  Slowly but surely I shared a little more at my WW meetings and with my family.

Breaking up that loooooooooooooong road to goal was so important to my success I think.  It can really be such an unbearable weight to have to make life changes like this.  It is so possible by putting one foot in front of the other minute by minute, day by day.  Now my life is totally different.  It is funny though, because now that I hit goal, I still see a long road in front of me. HAHA (Maintenance)

Tired and vulnerable: After work eating antics

Pic from musiccitybowl.com rib eating contest

 

 

There are times when I have a crazy day at work.  I leave work feeling exhausted with a sense of entitlement.  That sense of entitlement tells me that “I deserve to eat whatever I want when I get home.  I worked hard, I want to relax with my friend (food).  I am worth it.”   It’s not  always a conscious thought, sometimes it is just sitting in the back of my mind and I almost don’t notice it.  But then, when I least expect, my resolve flies out the window and I go for it.  It doesn’ t happen all the time, but it does happen.

I am learning to remember this scenario on my way home so that I can assess it and stop the steam train before it starts to pick up speed.  After all, it is only going to take 5 minutes for me to blow my points, it is not even going to be very satisfying, it might bring a gain at the scale, and I will feel guilty for a couple of hours.

So now when that sense of entitlement says, “I am worth it,”  I agree and tell it right back that since I am worth it, I am going to take care of myself, live longer, live happier, and stay thin.  That IS worth it.

 

Everyone has crazy days at work.  Do you ever let your weight loss guard down when you get home from work?  Take the poll.

I can see it in your eyes-do you see it in mine

I thought of this post while I was doing my long run a couple of weeks ago.  I think this every time I go running to my favorite park.  There are always a lot of people exercising on this park’s trail.  A lot of people who are just starting their journey go here to get their activity in because it is so beautiful. This is a very different post than normal but it is still on topic.  It is the conversation I have in my mind with the over weight person who I pass as we cross each others path and make eye contact.  So here it goes.

Hey, isn’t it great that us fat people are out here getting it done (I am looking jolly at this moment)Why won’t you look at me?  We are out here doing the same thing for the same reason.  We are both overweight and think we a fat.  Oh yeah, I am not fat anymore.  Maybe that’s why you don’t really want to make eye contact with me.  You try, but you turn away so fast.  I feel bad because you look embarrassed when you don’t need to.  I know how you feel though.  It is funny since you have no idea that I have lost 130 lbs and used to be even bigger than you are.  I wish I could make you understand.  I wish I could stop you and tell you not to be shy and ashamed, but to be proud.  I am proud of you.  You are out here.  I know it is hard and it might even be hurting right now, but you are moving.  Great job.   Soon, you will be like me.  You will be the one that people think have always been thin and for that reason they think that you think they are fat and gross.  But you won’t think like that right?  You will remember what I see in your eyes right at this very moment where we glimpse at each other.  I hope you can remember and have compassion when you reach your goal.  Right now, you have sadness in your eyes.  That heaviness that is present when you look at the vast amount of weight you are trying to lose.  I see that you are afraid of what I think and afraid that you are not doing enough.  I think you are doing fine.  Please don’t look at me with that look of, “Don’t look at me buddy.  You have never been fat.  You don’t understand.”  I do understand, can’t you see it in my eyes.

This is how it is so many times when I run by face to face with people on that trail.  I know the look in their eye because I had that look in my eye before too.  I only hope that they can see the compassion and understanding in mine.

I can see it in your eyes, but can you see it in mine?

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