Had a horrible day the other day. It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general. Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident. But……..I got an email from a good friend. My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it. I can’t even express the importance of that email to me. The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING. The email did not have any information that I don’t already know. It did not have any secret to success. It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life. Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present. You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life. He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small. So his email was a reminder to me.
It is so easy to forget what I have done. That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs. He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story. And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again. It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again. I was humbled by the achievements that I had done. I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way. I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me. I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months. I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have. The ability to overcome. I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am. But yesterday I started out a fresh. I ate perfectly. I exercised well. I thought well of myself. Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself. I want to achieve a healthy self respect.