Today while I was out for my 6 hour jaunt to train for my 24 hour race coming up in December, I had to chuckle to myself. One thing that I do now when I talk about my running is I usually only give the amount of time or the distance but not both. It automatically causes a person to judge me or themselves. Really it is all irrelevant. The important part is that YOU or ME is out there. That’s what counts. Anyway, so sometimes I will get passed by a “faster” runner, orrrrrrrrr……….I will pass a “slower” runner. I have learned over time is that things are not always as they appear. That fast person might be running a mile as fast as they can and I am on my 5th hour out there and feeling grumpy. Or, that person I pass might be getting past the longest they have ever gone and I am on my faster weekly run. My point is that it’s important to remember that everyone is in their own place on the fitness journey and us looking from the outside have no idea where that is.
Posts Tagged ‘running
So yesterday I had a scare at work that basically through me (somewhat unknowingly) into myemotional eating persona. LOL. It was stressful that’s for sure and the minute somebody asked me if I wanted some fast food I hoped right on that band wagon without a thought. Then I felt guilty about it and ate a bunch of candy. All in all I ate 91 WW points for the day. It was a true blow up but I stopped it after the candy since I was actually pretty dang full of the yummy fatties. I wasn’t going to count any of those points but today I decided it is what it is and I should count it. I turned out that it was not such a horrible blow up after all. Sure I emotionally ate which I don’t like to get into when I can help it but even after counting all 91 points I still have 13 weekly points left. That was a huge relief and I could have enjoyed many more hours of “NON-GUILT” if I would have just counted it right away and known the truth. So it was a good lesson RELEARNED!!! If you blow it, just hold on, stop, and count the calories/points. It is usually not as bad as you think it is. It is the guilt that you let fester that kills you because you hop right back into that bad healthy cycle.
Today was a much better day for eating. I also ran. Yesterday I didn’t run because of the work emergency and the mass amount of food made me to full to run. But I was back at it today. It was a drizzling dark night tonight with heavy heavy fog. The run was tough, I ran faster than I normally do and I just wasn’t in to it. I didn’t enjoy it that much but sure was happy that I did it. Here are a couple of pics from the run.
this is what my run looked like to me. it was actually pretty beautiful and neat
image from studentbranding.com
I had a terrific week and a few days ago I wrote a lot about the confidence I had in running long distance training or race runs. As I ran my 6 mile run today I thought and thought and thought about this but I didn’t know I was until I finished. I said to myself mid-way that I should go for ten miles because I knew I could do it and it would increase my long run distance build-up faster. I held back though. I thought to myself that I am 100% sure that even right now I could push through and battle out a marathon finish. I mean heck, when there is so much on the line (a finishers shirt!!! 🙂 ) you always finish. I know I could. Would it be really fun? Would it be “relaxing” and benificial? Would it foster good thoughts or bad ones? Then it struck me about training for me personally. My body responds well to pretty much any kind of training I think. I recover well. I can go a long ass ways. But it REALLY struck my that a conservative build-up (like the one I did when I first started running) did more for creating an ATMOSPHERE OF CONFIDENCE within my own mind than it did for creating a super fit person. Of course the super fit goes along with the running but the multiple ultras and marathons, the way I explained to myself in my writing how I thought and felt going into a race, the sense of almost scoffing at a distance (with respect though) because I had done the work in the trenches far before hand. It struck me that the ATMOSPHERE OF CONFIDENCE in my own mind was what I need to foster more than anything. THAT is what creates IN ME the ability to stick with it, the ability to enjoy it, the ability to endure much longer distances. In other words, I held back. I cherished the “small” 6 mile victory. I saw in my minds eye the red line on my confidence meter bump up because I finished my 6 miles in complete comfort and with a sigh of satisfaction followed by a smile. There is plenty of time to build-up to 20, 30, 40 mile long runs. I was reminded of the times where I had a 30 mile long run and I felt this exact same way when I finished: in comfort and with a smile. Not sore for days, happy I did it, confident I could do it again.
It’s funny when I think of it, but bad eating doesn’t just happen when you are bummed out or pissed or some other negative emotion. It happens when you are happy as heck too. Food and eating it are closely connected to our emotions. We use it for birthdays, holidays, and celebrations of all types. We use it at funerals, work meetings, and vacations. It is all around us during all our feelings good and bad. It is possible to stay on your plan though during it all. Sometimes its hard, sometimes its not, but it is ALWAYS possible. Today I made it possible with some simple choices and the stuff I ate that was not optimal……………well…………..I just counted it. Ended the day with one point left actually and that is good news. LOL! Even on a day where I felt the whole range of emotions and had lots of opportunites to not count or just blow it all, I hung on. You can too.
I also got my run in tonight. It was a dry and cold night. I started the run just as the sun was setting so I took a pic through some awesome old oak trees. Check it out and thanks for stopping by to read.
I had a sucky day at work emotionally. Got pretty hurt, then offended, then it just turned to being pissed off. Still a bit pissed off really but my run helped a ton and then coming home to play some “Call of Duty” on the XBOX with the family cherred me up also.
So it was a victorious day really because as easy as I could have eaten emotionally I did not medicate in that fashion. I just tried to relax and laugh with the people at work that are more enjoyable. I went over my points a bit but it was nothing to worry about since I have my 49 extra points per week. I also gained 9 points running tonight so that helped. I had a great run. It was hard on the legs a bit but it was brisk and nice. Here are two pics from the run. It was neat because I took a pic of a group of cattle and when they saw me they all run up to the fence to get close because they were curious.
Running pics
I plan to be taking more pics of my runs. I got a new camera for Christmas and want to put it to good use for the blog. I am sure some will be good and some not so good. At the moment I am doing walking, walk/jog’s, personal training three times a week, and of course building up my long run. I feel pretty bad about not being able to run as long as I used to but I am not going to let that stop me. I ran 18 miles six weeks ago but went on vacation to hawaii and did not exercise at all. So 18 miles is out of the picture for now and I don’t really care much. I am just going to start slow and move forward in small steps just like I did when I could only run one mile. I will keep the blog updated on my running and especially with any marathons I do. I have done about 26 or so marathons. I plan to get to 30 in 2011. Here are the pics from tonights run. It was a cold and rainy time with flooded streets. It was exhilarating really. Went out for 30 minutes and burned around 290 calories.
Cool street lamp so I thought I would take a pic
The cold rainy night gave all the light around a golden glow that intrigued me
Main street still decorated in christmas lights
Some thoughts and food update
I have given a lot thought to the marathon or longer races that I have been doing lately. I enjoy the races very much and they give me a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment. I feel good knowing I can run 26 miles with no problem, or finish a 50 mile race, or head down to Tennessee for my favorite Strolling Jim 40 Miler. I have finished 26 races of marthon distance or longer but I have been asking myself why lately. You see, I don’t want these races to be my “identity” or self-worth measuring stick. I have been thinking that if these long races are creeping into the arena of meaning THAT, then I need to back off of them so that I can regain a healthier sense of who I am and what is most important to me. I don’t want to get to a place where I think I am not in shape because I don’t want to or can’t run a 50 miler anytime I want to. I don’t want to be thinking, “man, I only did 1 marathon this year I’m must not be a real runner.” I am not there yet but I know myself and my tendency to do this so I have had to put myself into check regarding this. So I have been considering drastically cutting back on these races so that I can begin to focus on more objective measures of success that define my fitness and my goals more accurately. I am not looking to be one of the best marthoners or ultra-marathoners, I am looking to be in very very good condition as a runner who still enjoys running for the rest of my life. Anyway, these are just the thoughts I have been having regarding this.
My eating went very well yesterday again. I went to Taco Del Mar for dinner but had the calories and points to be able to do it within my plan. It was very tasty too. It’s friday and I don’t work tomorrow so I am finishing off my lunches today. I feel pretty darn good physically and have lots of energy. I will also run today, I think it is a marathon goal paced run for 5-6 miles. I am just going to focus on enjoying that run for running’s sake. Just be outside and enjoy the sensation of movement and experience the blessing of being able to run at all. That’s all for today.
photo by strangesports.com
So I have been thinking about this blog post for about two months now and this last race pushed me over the edge to finally be able to articulate in some form what I have wanted to say. Most of you know that I think ultra-running parallels life in many interesting ways. One of the ways is the unexpected blow up. Just reading what I just wrote possibly brought up your own sacred times in life where you experienced a “blow up”. Not of temper, not of fire, but of life itself and the dreams that are contained within it. Times in your life that forced a renegotiation of your goals or path. We have all experienced this in some form or another. But what we do with these times is what counts the most. Avoiding times like these at all costs will not permit you to totally avoid them. We can plan, we can hope, we can pray, but these times occur regardless. It is possible to minimize the damage they can cause or possibly their frequency but one thing is for sure; they will happen. And this is ok. So I am going to write out one of these the best way I know how because I think you’ll like it and I just need to do it so here it goes. Picture your own life as I describe the situation in running form.
Ahhhhhhh……….my goal is ahead and I have worked so long and hard and dreamed for so long about it. I can taste it. I can almost experience my dream in my mind just pondering on the attainment of the goal. THAT place is so happy. I know it will be amazing to get there and the sense of peace I will have knowing that I got my dream. The journey has been long to get to the starting line but I am here. I start my race with such joy and comfort knowing what my future hours hold for me. Running in the breeze thinking how blessed I am to be able to be taking part in life like this. I meet people along the way that improve my experience greatly. I find out more about them as we run together. I know that they are most likely just for a time but at this time it is great to get to know them. As I am running I see the hills before me without fear because I know I can walk if needed or I can slow it down enough to conserve my energies. There is no rush really, I have a long race ahead of me but the excitement must be contained so that I don’t burn out on a good thing. I keep on just getting more excited that my dreams are ahead of my and they will become a reality. Of course there are rough patches during the run. My legs burn and I want to rest. My back is tight and I want to stretch. Many thoughts come during those rough patches that widdle my dream down to barely possible. Then the sun shines in through the trees and my life returns as I eat some more carbs. My mind awakens and I am in “the good” again believing all is possible. Time moves on and on as I run. I’m running, I’m running, I’m running. After a long time of pursuing this dream something happens seemingly out of nowhere. It’s the blow up. The blow up is a devastating crushing blow to my mind and emotions. The dream is shut down and the door feels closed. Survival is my only thought during a blow up. That and giving up completely. I know the end is near enough but the short distance from the present darkness to the light at the end of my great achievement appears to be many more miles than it really is. My thoughts change from delight in life and running to self questioning and sanity. “Was I stupid for trying to achieve and experience great things. Did I bite off more than I can chew. Will I hurt myself doing this. Am I in danger in this dark time” . All the negative thoughts that I was able to conquer regarding my dreams before are now so consuming that I cannot shut them up. Panic sets into me just as powerfully as the joy set in earlier in my journey. Will I be able to get what I want so badly out of this now that attaining my original goal is impossible????? This is where the magic happens in ultra-running AND life. I know I can’t make it to my original goal. I am already running longer than my goal finishing time and I have so far to go still. What am I to do with all of this. If I give up and quit I still have to walk to the finish because there is now way out of the race (life). If I keep going through this blow up it’s going to hurt really bad and I don’t want to hurt that bad anymore. If I just go slower I might as well quit! But then the renegotiating happens. At first I hate it because it feels weak like a cop-out but the courage begins to build again but for a new purpose. The original goal is now very far gone but the endurance and capacity to conquer the blow up now takes precedence. I find myself realizing that the journey could very possibly be more important than the attainment of the original goal. The the experience of this hurt, this “failure”, this “shame” could be worth millions more than crossing the finish line without scars. Although down and out, I forge ahead with a new but painfully real struggle. I must not let the “blow up” finish me. Then it hits me, “OMG………..the goal is not me. I’m me and I don’t have to let the circumstance finish me and in fact I can let it refine me.” My heart melts at the prospect of making it through this blow up as a better man, as a better more knowledgable runner. I find great peace in this painful experience knowing that just making it through to the other side of it means so much to me. And when I cross the finish line where my goal once sat waiting for me to take it, I am thankful for making it at all. I am thankful for that pain and hurt that even though at the time seemed so intense was really only temporary as compared to the impact it will have on my future runs and life.
So I think it is with life too. We all have goals and aspirations and dreams. Sometimes it is as though we are running through life so smoothly but we don’t see that huge cliff that drops off just ahead. That cliff that swallows up so much of what we think we have in us to give. That blow up that takes so much out of us that life seems terribly painful to keep at. So much is possible for us. So much is right there for us to become if we can renegotiate the path and the goals. In a sense I feel like even though we might not get what we originally wanted, we will get the best that is attainable by moving on through the blow up. Things get painful, and slow, and don’t work on our time line but keeping on develops in us such a tremendous power to achieve the most important thing. That is to achieve the depth and reality of the person that we can be.
Very Tired but Happy Too!
Oh boy am I tired today. I have been staying up pretty late but it has been well worth it. So I am happy with it. Lots of stuff has been happening of late and I really like it. I hope to keep experiencing more and more of it. On another note, I am totally seeing visible changes in my body when I look in the mirror. Not huge ones but they are apparent so I feel good about it. I am getting leaner and it seems to be working its way down from face to shoulders to arms but not to the stomach yet.HAHHAHAHA. That will come in time. The resistance training is now cut back to two days a week becasue I just can’t do legs the way the trainer wants to and still keep my paces during my running since my legs are so tired. Running is my first priority but I really like what the training is doing for me. My eating is also doing well. It’s not perfect and it probably never will be and I don’t even care if it is. I have much more mercy on myself now.
Today I have a hard track workout. It is supposed to be stormy, windy, and raining. Fun huh!!! I will be doing 20X400 meter repeats at my 5k pace. I may not hit all the reps at that pace but will work my booty off to get it done. These are always really hard workouts for me yet at the end I feel so good that I accomplished something hard. Doesn’t it feel good when we accomplish something hard or difficult. When I am done I will crumple into my truck seat and drive home feel exhausted yet exuberant about the achievement. I will probably tell my friend and coach soon after that about the victory. The cool this is, is that they will probably ask me how it went and to me that is special because someone cares enough to ask. Knowing this, I also try to ask about what concerns the people I love and care for. What they care about concerns me and what hurts them builds compassion in me. Anyway, things are going well. Keep on fighting the good fight of health guys. It is so worth it. So so worth it. No need to give up, you CAN get to your place.
Yesterday I was inspired by a VERY special person to keep on posting on the blog. She reminded me that my journey was special and that I was special too. I work a lot of hours and don’t spend a whole lot of time at home anymore. After work yesterday when I got home, there was a special gift sitting on my front door step. It was my favorite dessert in the world from Elephants Delicatessen: The infamous ding dong cake. I could not find a picture of it and it would probably make the strongest of you fall of the wagon anyway. LOL. It was just sitting there and enclosed within the bag was a magnificent letter of encouragement. It made my day and it offered my up a fabulous post run meal. 🙂 Thanks special person!
Once I got over the intense pleasure of receiving a wonderful gift I started to prepare for my run. Well, after some thank you’s and a 5 minute nap. I woke up refreshed and looking forward to a good run. I had 7 miles a goal marathon pace which is about 7:30 minute miles. I knew it was going to be hard but I was not afraid of that. I was not afraid of failing in this run. I took a step out the front door to experience what ever the run would lead me too. I reached into my running jacket pocket to commence Breaking Benjamin on my Ipod. As the song Anthem of Angels flooded my ears I began my run halfway down my driveway. My neighborhood road is exactly .5 mile to the main road I venture out on. There is a hill just before the main road and I was tired already. I did not hesitate to walk about 50 feet because I knew I had to run a fast run and walking that short distance would not hurt me. I was already breathing hard but kept at it. I got to the main road and settled into my pace. I ran and ran and ran and listened and listened. Much emotion was built into this run and it carried me a good distance. After 3 miles I finally got into my zone and the running felt easier which is odd because usually it takes me a good hour to kick into smooth running. Step by step, minute after minute, mile after mile………..I made my way back home averaging a pace of 7:29 just like the clock in the pic. It was a hard run and it was a succesful run. I am just getting back into running goal paced runs more regularly since the 100 mile attempt last February. It feels good and I am looking forward to growing in running again.
I also lost 4 lbs last week. My workouts with the trainer are going well and I can see changes in my body already. I will have to lay off the legs though so I will probably be cutting the training down to twice a week really hard without the third day for legs. I’m STILL keeping on keeping on.
A word for my fellow journy-people:
Sometimes life is smooth sailing. The trail you are running is clear without obstruction. You feel good, you are succeeding, you are winning the good fight. Then comes a steep steep hill. This hill comes out of nowhere and it scares the crap out of you. You have no idea how you can make it up such a steep climb and you don’t understand how such a huge obstacle could just appear right in the middle of your smooth sailing journey. ITS OK!!! You will keep at it. Taking one step at a time climbing higher and higher until you reach the top but it will be hard and that’s ok too. There may be plateaus mid-hill. You maybe be able to rest for a moment only realizing you are not at the top and that the weight you carry is just too much to carry on. There is hope in this hill. You will learn yourself, you will change, you will become the person you dream of. You’ll be able to start again up this hill. And the higher you climb the more the hope that was lost will be begin to build up again. There is hope, there is victory!
Like the homing pigeons above, I need to come home. I AM GOING TO GO HOME. I am headed back to weight watchers again tomorrow. I will admit, I have a sense of shame about going back. Not because of the weight I have gained or anything like that. I feel “worthy” of going back but what I feel bad about is stopping my meetings in the first place. I love them you know. I care about the people there and they care about me. There is no reason but full on self-deception that has caused me to stay away. So today I will make a grand entrance at my “home” once again. I will go there head high and weigh in. To be honest, even as I write this I am telling myself that I should not go back. That I should just stay away and forget about it. But that is my unhealthy side talking. I know what works for me. I know what I like to do for my body. I have listened and listened and listened to my body for so long now there is really no arguing with what works for me and WW works. And in fact, it works for an endurance athlete as well. I have made WW work for ultras and marathons. It will do the job. I say “it” but really it is just eating healthy and eating the correct amount of calories. “It” is like any other normal eating program. The only difference from what I am doing now is that IT IS NORMAL. LOL.
I am going to start training hard again with my running and on top of that I will be doing three days a week of resistance training. I long for this. I am in recovery from the Strolling Jim at the moment but I will be back hard at it soon enough. I yearn for the self exploration that it all brings, and the self revelation that I experience. I can’t wait for the sense of accomplishment DAILY knowing that I am doing the RIGHT thing for my body. The right thing for my life. I never would have guessed that running would have become such a part of my life. I never would have dreamed that I would write a post about my third year of long distance running and that I completed my 22nd long race. I don’t say this stuff to be arrogant and I hope you don’t see it that way. As I write I am even humbled by the process. The process of step by step growth. The process of learning what and what not to do while running. I am humbled that I can even call myself a runner and to be honest at this point in my running life I still sometimes don’t think I am a REAL runner. Now that is crazy because a REAL runner is just a normal person who runs, jogs, walk/jogs, etc. There is no distance that makes you a runner. There is no magic number of races that changes your identity to be someone else so that you can finally be a REAL runner. There is no days per week that you must run to be REAL. All you have to do is get out there and do it. Fast or slow, smooth or uncordinated, natural or unnatural. So I am going to get out there and do some more running becasue I want to. I don’t have to. I am the same person with the same worth and the same integrity if I do or don’t. But I want to run, and I want to experience all that it has to offer me in this short life.
Running through it
Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant. I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations. At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today. I have not been doing ALL BAD! So I will look on the bright side of things. I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better. I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles. I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back. I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard. And the hard stuff is not over yet either. Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder. But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all. It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place. Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it. I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc. But I have not turned my back on running. I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running. My come back races were 32 and 41 miles.
This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together. It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again. I am back to exercising with cross-training. I am excited once again about my running goals. I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come. I have to start somewhere. Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once. I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can. i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so. So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on. I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be. I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard. But I am glad I have learned it. VERY GLAD.
This is the story of the original Strolling Jim Horse
This is the town center sign which traditionally welcomes all the racers.
I still love the Strolling Jim 40 miler. I can’t even express how much I like it and how much cooler it is than any other race I have ever done. First off, it is on pavement and I love to run on the road far more than on trails which is weird for an ultra-runner. Second, the scenery is absolutely awesome, lush, nostalgic, and refreshing. Thirdly, the people at the race are just too kind. Wartrace is a very tiny town in middle Tennessee but it is a beautiful place. The race starts right in the center of the town. Days prior to the race, the weather predictions said it would be severe thunderstorms, rain, and tornados. WOW!!! How fun right!!! LOL. It was fun though and there was probably only about an hour max of thunder, lightning, and rain but the tornado watch was on for two days. At 4:30 am I walked out of my motel room to roam around outside to check out the weather. It was very warm and humid and the sky was darkly ominous. After some coffee and walking outside I hunkered down in the room again to watch how to get “Financial Freedom in 30 days” from buying real estate. This was interrupted with tornado watch until at least 11 am. This would, however, go on for two days. HAHAHAHAHA. At 7 a.m. on May 1st 2010 100+ ultra-runners took off to complete the 32nd running of the race.
Here is where we started the race.
And we all eagerly take off for our adventure. This was my first race that I did not wear my traditional black shirt. I wore my favorite color on this race: GREEN!
A rail road runs right through the middle of the town where the starting line is.
I am always pretty nervous and quiet prior to starting a race. Even though this was my third consecutive Strolling Jim, I was still nervous because it is such a special race and you never know what it will be like during such a long run. But once I take that first step of the run I fall into my peaceful place (that is…………until the lightning started. LOL). The race goes right into hills immediately as it bends into its 40 miles. This race I made a concentrated effort to take things very slow the entire time and to enjoy the process as much as possible. I was not going for a PR, or a faster time, or anything really…………………I just wanted to enjoy the experience. I did very minimal training for this race and ran only twice a week max since my 100 mile attempt. I accomplished my goal for taking it easy. I thoroughly enjoyed the process of ultra running as it is intended. I am thankful for being able to take part in my 22nd marathon or longer race and to have the blessing of running for three years consistently.
More Strolling Jim posts coming up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still running.
I did 5 miles today. My legs are having a hard time recovering from my last two long runs. One was 63 that you all know about and the other was 25 last weekend. My legs felt pretty good in the 25 miler but the runs this week were damn hard. My legs felt like lead and they felt like that were straight all the time stiff like. But I am still out there. I am still going for it. I am still in great shape. It was a beautiful day this morning during my run. The sun was in full effect, motorcycles were out enjoying the warmth, people were dressed in slightly warm weather clothes. I saw each of them as I tromped on by them as I took one smooth step after the other. The air was refreshing and crisp. I listened to Mariachi music for the whole run which put a romantic touch to the time outside. So although my legs are mourning the abuse for a bit, it was an extrememly great experience to have on this wonderful day
Do you remember???????????????
This is my journal which contains every step of my journey over the last 6 months. It's got pictures, song lyrics, in-depth reviews of my own emotions, and lots and lots of processing. The small book on top is my newest WW book without any stickers.
Today I am choosing to REMEMBER! On my way to work I stopped to get my morning coffee (which I am going to hopefully stop soon) and the powerful urge to get a donut or a pepperoni hit me. I have developed some bad habits in hermitville. But today I remembered why I started this health journey. I remembered how it makes me feel to eat donuts on the way to work in my car all by myself so nobody sees. I remembered how proud I was of myself when I was eating better, not perfect, but better. So today’s motto is REMEMBER WHY!
Here is why I first started and continue on my journey.
- I was starting to breathe hard just getting out of bed.
- I had a very hard time to get my shoes on.
- I felt like shit about myself because I was not living according to the way I really wanted to.
- Being overweight was like being in an emotional tumble drying, my mind constant knocked me around about it.
- I lived more secretively because I was afraid to be honest about my eating.
- I was more afraid of rejection and that caused a lot of the secretiveness which in turned only caused weight gain.
- I wanted to feel good about the way I was living.
- I wanted to run a marathon someday.
- I wanted to be fit and healthy so that normal activities would be WAY easier.
So those are the things I am rememering today. What is it that brought you to the starting line of your own journey? Are they all physical things like skinny jeans, small shirts, flat stomach, etc? Or were some of them emotional and mental things that brought you to toe the line for the first time or possibly again?
There is no shame at trying again. There is honor in it though. EVERYBODY who succeeds has had to try again. Mess ups happen, it might be a little easier to get back on track if you remember why you wanted to start this journey in the first place.
Hello everyone. I have decided, for the benefit of my own health to come out from being a blog hermit. I have experienced a lot since the last time I wrote to you all. My life has changed drastically, my heart is soft again, I have opened up myself to other around me, and I HAVE EATEN A VAST AMOUNT OF FOOD. HAHAHAHA. I am not complaining though. For today I show myself mercy and I don’t do that too often. At this time it is needed however, so I will give myself a break.
- I am current 8 lbs over my WW lifetime goal. Yup, that is right, I actually had to pay the last time I went and that was the first time in around 2 years.
- I am having a hard time with recovery in my running lately.
- I have stood up for myself and been authentic more in the last three months than I ever was in my previous 33 years of life.
- My heart has changed drastically and I am excited to move on in my life to experience even more love and growth than ever before.
- I am back to WW and starting out on a new path. I will do well for sure.
I have received so many emails from all of you who care. I appreciate it more than you would ever dream. I did not return any of them for the most part but I did take each and every word that you spoke into my life and used it for good. I have slowly (some would tell me VERY quickly) but surely emerged from a lot of crappy darkness. I will never be the same but I will be better instead of worse.
I will tell you all, that I have learned so much about myself and about people. I have experienced and learned so much mercy and understanding. When I think of it all I kind of melt into a lump of thankfulness. I get filled with emotion at the realization that people (yeah, all of us) have the capacity to endure and grow more than even I ever imagined. And I saw that Love and Compassion for others is a major factor in my ability to endure such things that I have. I saw that my running is more of a picture of my life than I thought, and that it has taught me good lessons that will stick with me for a lifetime
A LITTLE MESSAGE TO YOU ALL
You know what guys, sometimes things just get hard don’t they. Sometimes they add up over time, and other times they rush in to overwhelm. I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens or has happened, just about anything is possible for you. Now is not the time to give up on what you want in life. Now is not the time to think of yourself as a throw away. Now is not the time to let others talk you out of your dreams. I know you can do what it is you want to do. Just take one step, just one. And in time, you will one day be where you want to be. And during those many steps you will fall down. This is ok. This is nothing to panic over. This is the normal human experience and it is highly desirable albeit not enjoyable. Because when we do fall, we learn how to stand once again.
Had a horrible day the other day. It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general. Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident. But……..I got an email from a good friend. My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it. I can’t even express the importance of that email to me. The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING. The email did not have any information that I don’t already know. It did not have any secret to success. It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life. Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present. You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life. He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small. So his email was a reminder to me.
It is so easy to forget what I have done. That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs. He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story. And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again. It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again. I was humbled by the achievements that I had done. I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way. I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me. I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months. I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have. The ability to overcome. I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am. But yesterday I started out a fresh. I ate perfectly. I exercised well. I thought well of myself. Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself. I want to achieve a healthy self respect.
As you have already read, I DNF’d at 63 miles because my blisters on the balls of my feet was just to much for me. I took pics before and after of my feet just to see. The pics don’t do justice as far as the pain goes. They really don’t look to bad in the pics. I had deep blisters from my big toe to my little toe that completely covered the pad or ball of me foot. On my left foot, the blistering was so bad that it was pushing my last three toes up. I also had a bad blister underneath on of my toe nails so that my nail is actually still just sitting on the blister and not even attached to my foot really. It will fall off soon and is just about to today. Take a look if you want.
So you can see that my toe nails are already black from the training. They are just about to fall off even before the race.
Just another pre-race view of the feet
This is a pic of my feet at 40 miles. I was not having to many problems at that point. But the fine sandy dirt made its way into my shoes to cause a lot of irritation. i was cleaning my feet here and changing socks.
Just a little foot massage before I went to the medical tent for the blisters. You can see the bad ones under my last three toes as well as the one under my toe nail. This is at 60 miles
In the room after my DNF departure
You can see the medical tents handy work in this pic. They used second skin and duct tape. Much of the blister was deep so you can't really see it.
All set with my food
I finally went grocery shopping. I have not been but once or twice in two or three months. I have just been having a heck of a time in life but I finally went. I got what I needed to stay on track until the race and plan to keep on track after the race. I am looking forward with much anticipation for being more healthy and being more kind to myself in the future. I will lose the weight I gained, regain some of the confidence that has been destroyed, and build myself back up. The world has so much to offer and I will take it in. All that life has to offer both good and bad.
I feel pretty ok today. So proud of “starting over”. I have developed a lot of bad habits again but they can be broken just like they were before. It is an emergency and at the same time not an emergency. No reason to panic. No reason to give up. Just a bump on the road that brings about the need to reconsider and adjust goals. All is well.
getting close but feeling fat
Ok, I have been eating off of WW and kind of out of control for a while now. My situation has proved to be more powerful than I thought as far as emotional eating goes. I have really been doing bad in this area and I have realized that my feelings about myself really good down hill when I am not being good to myself by being healthy in general. This sucks. BUT…………..I am getting my goals reorganzied, writing them down, and starting to get more focus again. It is sooooo hard. It is one thing to be focused on healthy when you are doing well but when you are feeling bad about yourself it is not so easy you know. But I shall start up again. What else can I do.
The race is very close now. I will leave in less than a week and toe the line in exactly 8 days. I am nervous much because of my weight gain since my situation broke out and my life turned upside down. However, I won’t give up. Sure, my life is upside down and all around, but it is time to regain some momentum for health and being good to myself. I will need to lose some significant weight. And I will need to be patient with this. I am hoping that participating in this 100 mile race will reignite my fire for life and health and weight management.
My angle on weight loss 