Some thoughts and food update

I have given a lot thought to the marathon or longer races that I have been doing lately.  I enjoy the races very much and they give me a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment.  I feel good knowing I can run 26 miles with no problem, or finish a 50 mile race, or head down to Tennessee for my favorite Strolling Jim 40 Miler.  I have finished 26 races of marthon distance or longer but I have been asking myself why lately.  You see, I don’t want these races to be my “identity” or self-worth measuring stick.  I have been thinking that if these long races are creeping into the arena of meaning THAT, then I need to back off of them so that I can regain a healthier sense of who I am and what is most important to me.  I don’t want to get to a place where I think I am not in shape because I don’t want to or can’t run a 50 miler anytime I want to.  I don’t want to be thinking, “man, I only did 1 marathon this year I’m must not be a real runner.”  I am not there yet but I know myself and my tendency to do this so I have had to put myself into check regarding this.  So I have been considering drastically cutting back on these races so that I can begin to focus on more objective measures of success that define my fitness and my goals more accurately.  I am not looking to be one of the best marthoners or ultra-marathoners, I am looking to be in very very good condition as a runner who still enjoys running for the rest of my life.  Anyway, these are just the thoughts I have been having regarding this.

My eating went very well yesterday again.  I went to Taco Del Mar for dinner but had the calories and points to be able to do it within my plan.  It was very tasty too.  It’s friday and I don’t work tomorrow so I am finishing off my lunches today.  I feel pretty darn good physically and have lots of energy.  I will also run today, I think it is a marathon goal paced run for 5-6 miles.  I am just going to focus on enjoying that run for running’s sake.  Just be outside and enjoy the sensation of movement and experience the blessing of being able to run at all.  That’s all for today.

My food until dinner time today

Here is my lunch for the day.  This is pretty much everything that I am going to eat from morning to evening.  I have already eaten my breakfast which was a protien shake with oatmeal in it.  It’s about 5 points on WW.  So I just threw this lunch together kind of because I woke up late and had no time to really make sure it was well balanced.  Here is what I got:

• Two string cheeses-2 points
• One nectarine- 1 point
• One apple- 1 point
• One yogurt- 2 points
• One cup of spaghetti noodles- 4 points
• 3 ounces of chicken in spaghetti sauce- 3 points
• 3 ounces of potatoes with veggies- 1 point
• Half a cup of lean ground beef- 4 points
• Half a cup of rice-4 points
• 100 calorie popcorn

That is 22 points total for my food I eat at work.  Counting my shake it would be 28 points.

I’m trying to get more organized with my food and exercise.  I hope to be able to be posting more now……………I have not been motivated to post much at all for a long time now.  It’s good for me to post as it helps me stay on track and give me motivation.

Very Tired but Happy Too!

Oh boy am I tired today.  I have been staying up pretty late but it has been well worth it.  So I am happy with it.  Lots of stuff has been happening of late and I really like it.  I hope to keep experiencing more and more of it.  On another note, I am totally seeing visible changes in my body when I look in the mirror.  Not huge ones but they are apparent so I feel good about it.  I am getting leaner and it seems to be working its way down from face to shoulders to arms but not to the stomach yet.HAHHAHAHA. That will come in time.  The resistance training is now cut back to two days a week becasue I just can’t do legs the way the trainer wants to and still keep my paces during my running since my legs are so tired.  Running is my first priority but I really like what the training is doing for me.  My eating is also doing well.  It’s not perfect and it probably never will be and I don’t even care if it is.  I have much more mercy on myself now.

Today I have a hard track workout.  It is supposed to be stormy, windy, and raining.  Fun huh!!!  I will be doing 20X400 meter repeats at my 5k pace.  I may not hit all the reps at that pace but will work my booty off to get it done.  These are always really hard workouts for me yet at the end I feel so good that I accomplished something hard.  Doesn’t it feel good when we accomplish something hard or difficult.  When I am done I will crumple into my truck seat and drive home feel exhausted yet exuberant about the achievement.  I will probably tell my friend and coach soon after that about the victory.  The cool this is, is that they will probably ask me how it went and to me that is special because someone cares enough to ask.  Knowing this, I also try to ask about what concerns the people I love and care for.  What they care about concerns me and what hurts them builds compassion in me.  Anyway, things are going well.  Keep on fighting the good fight of health guys.  It is so worth it.  So so worth it.  No need to give up, you CAN get to your place.

A special gift, a fast run, and losing 4 lbs.

Yesterday I was inspired by a VERY special person to keep on posting on the blog.  She reminded me that my journey was special and that I was special too.  I work a lot of hours and don’t spend a whole lot of time at home anymore.  After work yesterday when I got home, there was a special gift sitting on my front door step.  It was my favorite dessert in the world from Elephants Delicatessen: The infamous ding dong cake.  I could not find a picture of it and it would probably make the strongest of  you fall of the wagon anyway. LOL.  It was just sitting there and enclosed within the bag was a magnificent letter of encouragement.  It made my day and it offered my up a fabulous post run meal.  🙂  Thanks special person!

Once I got over the intense pleasure of receiving a wonderful gift I started to prepare for my run.  Well, after some thank you’s and a 5 minute nap.  I woke up refreshed and looking forward to a good run.  I had 7 miles a goal marathon pace which is about 7:30 minute miles.  I knew it was going to be hard but I was not afraid of that.  I was not afraid of failing in this run.  I took a step out the front door to experience what ever the run would lead me too.  I reached into my running jacket pocket to commence Breaking Benjamin on my Ipod.  As the song Anthem of Angels flooded my ears I began my run halfway down my driveway.  My neighborhood road is exactly .5 mile to the main road I venture out on.  There is a hill just before the main road and I was tired already.  I did not hesitate to walk about 50 feet because I knew I had to run a fast run and walking that short distance would not hurt me.  I was already breathing hard but kept at it.  I got to the main road and settled into my pace.  I ran and ran and ran and listened and listened.  Much emotion was built into this run and it carried me a good distance.  After 3 miles I finally got into my zone and the running felt easier which is odd because usually it takes me a good hour to kick into smooth running.  Step by step, minute after minute, mile after mile………..I made my way back home averaging a pace of 7:29 just like the clock in the pic.  It was a hard run and it was a succesful run.  I am just getting back into running goal paced runs more regularly since the 100 mile attempt last February.  It feels good and I am looking forward to growing in running again. 

I also lost 4 lbs last week.  My workouts with the trainer are going well and I can see changes in my body already.  I will have to lay off the legs though so I will probably be cutting the training down to twice a week really hard without the third day for legs.  I’m STILL keeping on keeping on.

A word for my fellow journy-people:

Sometimes life is smooth sailing.  The trail you are running is clear without obstruction.  You feel good, you are succeeding, you are winning the good fight.  Then comes a steep steep hill.  This hill comes out of nowhere and it scares the crap out of you.  You have no idea how you can make it up such a steep climb and you don’t understand how such a huge obstacle could just appear right in the middle of your smooth sailing  journey.  ITS OK!!!  You will keep at it.  Taking one step at a time climbing higher and higher until you reach the top but it will be hard and that’s ok too.  There may be plateaus mid-hill.  You maybe be able to rest for a moment only realizing you are not at the top and that the weight you carry is just too much to carry on.  There is hope in this hill.  You will learn yourself, you will change, you will become the person you dream of.  You’ll be able to start again up this hill.  And the higher you climb the more the hope that was lost will be begin to build up again.  There is hope, there is victory!

Eating, running, and weight watchers???

Like the homing pigeons above, I need to come home.  I AM GOING TO GO HOME.  I am headed back to weight watchers again tomorrow.  I will admit, I have a sense of shame about going back.  Not because of the weight I have gained or anything like that.  I feel “worthy” of going back but what I feel bad about is stopping my meetings in the first place.  I love them you know.  I care about the people there and they care about me.  There is no reason but full on self-deception that has caused me to stay away.  So today I will make a grand entrance at my “home” once again.  I will go there head high and weigh in.  To be honest, even as I write this I am telling myself that I should not go back.  That I should just stay away and forget about it.  But that is my unhealthy side talking.  I know what works for me.  I know what I like to do for my body.  I have listened and listened and listened to my body for so long now there is really no arguing with what works for me and WW works.  And in fact, it works for an endurance athlete as well.  I have made WW work for ultras and marathons.  It will do the job.  I say “it” but really it is just eating healthy and eating the correct amount of calories.  “It” is like any other normal eating program.  The only difference from what I am doing now is that IT IS NORMAL. LOL. 

I am going to start training hard again with my running and on top of that I will be doing three days a week of resistance training.  I long for this.  I am in recovery from the Strolling Jim at the moment but I will be back hard at it soon enough.  I yearn for the self exploration that it all brings, and the self revelation that I experience.  I can’t wait for the sense of accomplishment DAILY knowing that I am doing the RIGHT thing for my body.  The right thing for my life.  I never would have guessed that running would have become such a part of my life.  I never would have dreamed that I would write a post about my third year of long distance running and that I completed my 22nd long race.  I don’t say this stuff to be arrogant and I hope you don’t see it that way.  As I write I am even humbled by the process.  The process of step by step growth.  The process of learning what and what not to do while running.  I am humbled that I can even call myself a runner and to be honest at this point in my running life I still sometimes don’t think I am a REAL runner.  Now that is crazy because a REAL runner is just a normal person who runs, jogs, walk/jogs, etc.  There is no distance that makes you a runner.  There is no magic number of races that changes your identity to be someone else so that you can finally be a REAL runner.  There is no days per week that you must run to be REAL.  All you have to do is get out there and do it.  Fast or slow, smooth or uncordinated, natural or unnatural.  So I am going to get out there and do some more running becasue I want to.  I don’t have to.  I am the same person with the same worth and the same integrity if I do or don’t.  But I want to run, and I want to experience all that it has to offer me in this short life.

Running through it

Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant.  I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations.  At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today.  I have not been doing ALL BAD!  So I will look on the bright side of things.  I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better.  I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles.  I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back.  I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard.  And the hard stuff is not over yet either.  Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder.  But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all.  It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place.  Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it.  I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc.  But I have not turned my back on running.  I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running.  My come back races were 32 and 41 miles. 

This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together.  It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again.  I am back to exercising with cross-training.  I am excited once again about my running goals.  I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come.  I have to start somewhere.  Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once.  I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can.  i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so.  So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on.  I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be.  I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard.  But I am glad I have learned it.  VERY GLAD.

Do you remember???????????????

This is my journal which contains every step of my journey over the last 6 months. It's got pictures, song lyrics, in-depth reviews of my own emotions, and lots and lots of processing. The small book on top is my newest WW book without any stickers.

Today I am choosing to REMEMBER!  On my way to work I stopped to get my morning coffee (which I am going to hopefully stop soon) and the powerful urge to get a donut or a pepperoni hit me.  I have developed some bad habits in hermitville.  But today I remembered why I started this health journey.  I remembered how it makes me feel to eat donuts on the way to work in my car all by myself so nobody sees.  I remembered how proud I was of myself when I was eating better, not perfect, but better.  So today’s motto is REMEMBER WHY!

Here is why I first started and continue on my journey.

• I was starting to breathe hard just getting out of bed.
• I had a very hard time to get my shoes on.
• I felt like shit about myself because I was not living according to the way I really wanted to.
• Being overweight was like being in an emotional tumble drying, my mind constant knocked me around about it.
• I lived more secretively because I was afraid to be honest about my eating.
• I was more afraid of rejection and that caused a lot of the secretiveness which in turned only caused weight gain.
• I wanted to feel good about the way I was living.
• I wanted to run a marathon someday.
• I wanted to be fit and healthy so that normal activities would be WAY easier.

So those are the things I am rememering today.  What is it that brought you to the starting line of your own journey?  Are they all physical things like skinny jeans, small shirts, flat stomach, etc?  Or were some of them emotional and mental things that brought you to toe the line for the first time or possibly again?

There is no shame at trying again.  There is honor in it though.  EVERYBODY who succeeds has had to try again.  Mess ups happen, it might be a little easier to get back on track if you remember why you wanted to start this journey in the first place.

All set with my food

I finally went grocery shopping.  I have not been but once or twice in two or three months.  I have just been having a heck of a time in life but I finally went.  I got what I needed to stay on track until the race and plan to keep on track after the race.  I am looking forward with much anticipation for being more healthy and being more kind to myself in the future.  I will lose the weight I gained, regain some of the confidence that has been destroyed, and build myself back up.  The world has so much to offer and I will take it in.  All that life has to offer both good and bad.

I feel pretty ok today.  So proud of “starting over”.  I have developed a lot of bad habits again but they can be broken just like they were before.  It is an emergency and at the same time not an emergency.  No reason to panic.  No reason to give up.  Just a bump on the road that brings about the need to reconsider and adjust goals.  All is well.

getting close but feeling fat

Ok, I have been eating off of WW and kind of out of control for a while now.  My situation has proved to be more powerful than I thought as far as emotional eating goes.  I have really been doing bad in this area and I have realized that my feelings about myself really good down hill when I am not being good to myself by being healthy in general.  This sucks.  BUT…………..I am getting my goals reorganzied, writing them down, and starting to get more focus again.  It is sooooo hard.  It is one thing to be focused on healthy when you are doing well but when you are feeling bad about yourself it is not so easy you know.  But I shall start up again.  What else can I do.

The race is very close now.  I will leave in less than a week and toe the line in exactly 8 days.  I am nervous much because of my weight gain since my situation broke out and my life turned upside down.  However, I won’t give up.  Sure, my life is upside down and all around, but it is time to regain some momentum for health and being good to myself.  I will need to lose some significant weight.  And I will need to be patient with this.  I am hoping that participating in this 100 mile race will reignite my fire for life and health and weight management.

Weight Watchers Weigh-In. A life of persistence.

Wow!!  That is all I have to say sometimes.  The journey of life, let alone weight loss and maintenance, can be an eventful one for sure.   So I have not been to WW for two months now.  Basically, since my situation has been going on I have felt soooo bad about going to my WW meeting for some reason.  Just didn’t want to face my leader or my fellow souls on the journey.  But……..I finally did.  I went to my damn WW meeting despite my feelings, hurt, weight gain, fear, etc.  That is what I have to do right.  I discovered tonight that a journey, which could be more important than the result, take much persistence.  I will talk more about that in a sec.

So I went to my WW meeting even though I had fear but I was warmly welcomed by all.  My wonderful leader hugged me happily, talked with me and comforted me greatly regarding what I am going through.  I talked with people.  Shared my journey again from 12 minutes of exercise three times a week to becoming an ultra-marathoner.  I admit that the praise and love and kindness felt soooooooooooooooooo good.  It was so nice to be with like minded people who feel the way I do on so many different levels.  Although they don’t know my deep inside stuff, I knew that they had  theirs inside themselves, and that was quite possible the reason they and I were there.  To be with others who love and hate food.  With others who want something better out of life, something more enjoyable.  I was a wonderfully refreshing time for me and that alone will keep me going back.  I had forgotten how good those people were over my two months leave of absence.  So what was the result of my two month journey of depression, binge eating, emotional eating, and crying.  HAHAHAHA  Despite loads of pepperoni, donuts, candy, and other junk; I only gained about .5 lbs.  The great thing is that I am still lifetime member there at WW.  I am still within my range.  WOW!  Never would have guessed that that would happen.  I was relieved be there again.

Now to the lesson learned.  I can get real down on myself, life, work, and everything really.  AND I MEAN REALLY DOWN.  But, I never gave up.  If I binged on AM/PM hamburgers and candy at night, well gosh dang it I tried like a son-of-a-gun to do good the next morning.  Then at lunch.  Then at break time.  Etc. Etc Etc.  Even though I was soooo freaking tired emotionally I still kept at my running.  I still kept at my goals.  I never let them out of my sight even for a day.  I say day because I let them out of my sight for many moments. HAHAHA  But not all day.  I still got out of bed and went to work to be a productive human being.  I still took out the garbage, talked with my mom and sisters, I have been talking more with others being more social, and never gave up.  Even when I was hating my body and feeling like crap, I kept telling myself it is not over.  It is not even a big deal.  It is just part of all of this journey that I am on in life.  Just part of it.  I didn’t have to feel guilt about it, or worthless, I just needed to remember that it was all just part of life.  Life happens you know.  You can’t control it all.  So to my word of the night: PERSISTENCE.  That is right.  Just persisting the best I could at the things that I CAN do.  I could do perfect.  I was to damn tired and hurt and feeling low.  But kept at the things that I could do for that time in my life.  I didn’t just give up because I couldn’t be perfect at WW or whatever.  So my lesson is that even though life happens, we mess up, things go wrong, and it all seems impossible to get back on track; just keep doing what I CAN do.

It is a freaking war over here. Take the poll too!

I feel like it would take this many people pulling for me to freaking eat good on WW for just one full damn day

I am at a loss right now for eating.  As you know, I can do running.  I can do goal setting.  I can do a lot of stuff but right now I am having the hardest time eating well.  Eating well is the most essential part of the weight loss and maintenance journey other than internal healing of self.  Without proper eating, I could gain all my weight back while still running and eventually running would end.  I am scared right now about this guys.  I have not been in this place since I was never on WW.  I have not given up hope though.  We all fight out fight but hearing you guys talk about your stuff on your blogs, I get courage from it.  I need you guys now.  I can’t do this alone.  I need some building up.  I know I get a lot of it already but this is a special time for me.  A VERY SPECIAL TIME.  A time like non other.  I am going to make it even if I do all bruised up and scratched.

So here is some truth for ya!  I weighed 211 when I went to Hawaii.  I weighed 207 the day after I got back.  I have not weighed since then because I am scared to death of it and it doesn’t even matter how much I weigh if I am not eating healthily.  I want to be in the 180’s and I won’t be able to get there before my 100 miler.  This was my goal but with all the Sh– that is going on I have been eating my emotions you know.  Here is what I am going to do.  I want to tell you all for the tiny bit of accountability that it is.  Usually you all forget after a while. hahaha  So I get to slip by.  Like quitting chewing.  Remember that one like a year ago, and then 6 months ago, and then a couple of months ago.  HAHAHAHA  I have quit now though.  12 days today.  No chew.  Here is what I want to do about this:

• Take one moment at a time.  Bring it back to basics.  Make ONE GOOD HEALTH DECISION at a time
• Keep my running program up to train properly for the 100 miler which is in 32 days.  It is not easy training for this type of race under this kind of emotional trauma, but I am convinced I will conquer.
• Go grocery shopping for all necessary food to keep me going.
• Blog more about my food, weight, and health struggles.  Get my mind focused
• Go back to WW now that I am not so damn depressed.
• Take every tiny freaking bit of encouragement you guys can give. 🙂
• NEVER, and I mean NEVER give up.  One step, keeping on keeping on, I WILL MAKE IT DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my motivational pic for the moment. I am a hardcore athlete and I can get back into the shape I want to be in. I will win and live this battle.

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Wonderful way to do speed

I had a speed workout planned for the track today.  I did not want to do it at all.  Not so much the running but the track.  I just did not feel like running on a track today.  It gagged me actually.  The track seemed so repetitive and boring.  This is not normally how I fell at all.  But does this have to stop a person from doing a track/speed workout.  NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What did I do instead???????????

I actually did my exact track workout on the road.  This is possible because of my little friend Garmin 405.  You can also do it with another little friend called Polar Watch.  By using one of these friends, you can monitor your distance, interval time, lap time, and current pace.  So I did just that.  I had to do 12×400 at my 5k pace which is 6:08.  So I went out during my lunch break and did a nice warm up before diving into some hard running.  I did 1:30 minutes of my 5k pace and then I walked for one minute.  1:30 minute run and 1:00 minute walk.  That is what I did for 12 reps each.  Now the relevance of 1:30 is that at my 6:08 pace that would mean I would have run about 400 meters (1/4 mile) in that time.  It was a joyful time and I felt extra smooth today.  I focused heavily on what it “felt”  like to run this pace.  The sound of my feet and their rythm.  The sound of my breathe and it’s ability to mold into the rythm of the feet.  The sound of the wind.  The way my muscles felt when they contracted.  The way my shoes felt on my feet.  The way my arms moved.  Anyway,  I think you get the point.

I also had a great eating day yesterday and am doing very well today too.  I have once again took up the purpose of quitting the chewing tobacco.  This is going as good as I can expect it to be going.  Only one day so far.  AGAIN!  🙂

Emotions got the best of me

Yesterday I let my emotions get the best of me as far as eating goes.  I did not really eat a bunch of junk food like pepperoni or candy but I did eat a lot of stuff high in points.  My wife even mentioned it and that kind of made me want to eat more actually.  Mainly I ate croissants.  Four of them actually.  With ham and cheese. 

That was yesterday though and today is a different day.  Can’t do much about yesterday can I.  Can’t change a darn thing.  However, today will become yesterday pretty soon so I better make the changes now so that I won’t have to want to make changes to my yesterday again.    Sounds funny and circular, but it is true. 

My legs are a bit sore today but not to bad at all.  I will do an easy run on Wednesday to start out this weeks exercise.  Not particularly looking forward to it at the  moment.  Feels good to rest for a bit.  I bet though, that by tomorrow I will be ready to role again.

Food, run, and fun. Yesterday

I had a pretty full day yesterday.  My work was very busy and I went golfing aftward.  I got home around 8:30 which is getting very late for me as this should be my bedtime.  Over all though it was a good day.  My mental and emotional side was pretty good, WW went good, and I did great golfing too.

FOOD

My food was right on yesterday.  I did good and that felt good.  I was relieved to be able to have a great day of healthy eating.  Although I know how to do it I was afraid that I wouldn’t do it.  My resolve and appreciation for the health/weight loss journey was pretty strong.  Another big victory is that I did not eat junk even though I went golfing.  I tend to eat junk when I go golfing because afterward I am alone and in my car (my secret eating place) while at the same time soooooo hungry because of not eating for many hours.  This time, on the way to the golf course I bought two bananas that were not totally ripe which for some reason makes me feel more full than the totally ripe ones.  I ate one at the start of my round and I ate another right when I got done.  This held me over until I got home for dinner where I had an 8 point meal.

RUN

Yesterday my running schedule called for an easy 6 miler.  I knew work was going to be busy so I split the run up into two 3 mile runs.  I did three miles at lunch and three miles just at the end of the day before work was over.  I have a one hour period where the main production is finished but I am just waiting for people to finish up.  This is when I did my second run.  I did this easy run at about 8:30-40 minute miles.  My left hamstring was tender still from the speedwork on Wednesday but it faired well for the 6 miles.  The two runs were actually very nice.  During the run the highschool cross-country team in my workplace town was also running my same route so I got to run in their midst.  That was kind of neat I thouth.

FUN

My fun for the day was golf.  Of course fun is a very subjective determination.  I could have told you that I hated it at least two times during my 18 hole round.  Overall I did pretty good with a score of 86.  I was pleased with this score and with most of my shots.  It is such a difficult game to be good at.

Also on the menu for fun is a mini-vacation this weekend for me and my wife.  I will have Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off which will feel like a one month vacation.  I am sure some of you can relate.  During the three days I have planned several things for Audrey and I to do together.  Saturday we will both get massages in the morning and then head off to the town we are staying in for shopping and exploring.  That evening Audrey will take a golf clinic as a complete first time golfer.  I am excited about this and hope she likes it.  If she doesn’t that is ok too though.  After the clinic we might hit some balls together and then have some kind of special dinner.  On Sunday I have 18 holes of golf first thing in the morning to give my wife some relaxing alone time for reading or whatever.  Then I scheduled a pedicure and manicure for her back-to-back so she will be getting done about when I get done.  She will be able to spend time at the spa in the hot-tub, steam room, etc. if she wants to.  Then at that evening I have golf planned as the last group of the day so we will not have any pressure from groups behind us.  This should make it more enjoyable for my beautiful wife and hopefully introduce the game in a more pleasant way.  Monday is totally open for sleeping in, talking, and relaxing.

In case you missed this great comment!

Steve at LogMyLoss has been commenting and visiting the blog for a long time now.  He is a real trooper and encourages me in a real way.  I really appreciate this.  This comment totally helped me out.  In fact, I almost felt set free the moment I finished reading it.  It is what I have been waiting, wanting, and needing to hear.  I just didn’t really know it at the time.  I guess that is what self-deception and blindness will do to ya.  I asked him if I could share his comment as a post and he said that would be fine.  Read it, absorb it, live it.

Jason, like the others, I am tremendously impressed with your running. I have to admit though, I am concerned for you. There was a time several months ago where I warned you about letting yourself slip back into your old ways. If memory serves me right, you assured me that would never happen. I honestly feel like you have a better grasp on this situation than you are indicating. I don’t know why I believe that way, but I do. The thing is, you gotta draw that line in the sand. From what I can tell, you are where you need to be with your weight. If not, you are very, very close. That means you don’t have to be as strict any more. However, it also means that you cannot let yourself fall back into the habits of yesteryear. Let me repeat that – you CANNOT let yourself fall back into the habits of yesteryear. Jason, if my comment is out of line, please forgive me. I believe in you. You have had an incredible journey. You have affected many other people’s lives. You have greatly increased your capacity to live and to enjoy life. There is no reason to ever look back. Fix your eyes back upon the goal, and leave those bad habits behind forever.

It can happen! Take a step back and reassess.

It can happen to anyone!  Falling into old habits even after losing and keeping 130 lbs off.  In fact, it is pretty easy to fall back into the old ways.  Why is this??  Well, the old ways are the old ways for a reason and they are old because I did them for so long.  Truth be told, the old ways work for what they are used for.  Oh yeah, you heard me.  THere is no denying that eating junk food makes me feel better at the moment I want to feel better.  There is no denying that it tastes wonderful like a party in my mouth.  I just want to shed the false belief that using food for comfort and security does not work.  It does work and if it did not work we would never use food to comfort ourselves.  However, there is a downside as there always is for self-medicating with potentially harmful stuff whether it be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  It brings guilt and shame and weight gain and bodily harm.

So at the practical and reality based advice of another great blogger on the journey, I took a step back to reassess my situation and take a reality check.  I took a step back to way the costs and rewards of my actions.  As  you know I have been on the wayward side of WW for a bit.  I am still right here at my WW goal weight but things have been getting increasingly unhealthy for me both mentally and physically.  Steve’s words yesterday hit me just how I needed it and brought about a major lifting of the veil over my eyes.  Now that he helped me see much more clearly, I am taking my reality check here on the blog.

What is my unhealthy eating doing for me?

Well, like I said, it is making me feel better about whatever I am feeling bad about for the moment.  This is true.  It is also making me feel worse in the long run and causing a great crop of negative thinking to sprout up.  Waying this cost is hard for me because I like the immediate benifit of feeling better and don’t particularly like the delayed gratification that denying myself the junk brings.  BUT, after long thought focused on Steve’s comment, the delayed gratification FAR OUT WEIGHS any other possible benifit that junk food can give.  So for today I feel strong and healthy and resolved with new passion for my health goals.

How is my fear of failure molding my situation?

I am scared to gain it all back.  Unfortunately, the way my little mind works is that when I fear failure I tend not to try as to make sure I don’t fail.  Now taking a step back on this one shows that this is crazy because it is self-fulfilling.  I am scared to fail so I fail on purpose and do the exact thing I am afraid of. HAHAHAHA  No more of this.  The reality in this is that I can’t fail if I just continue to do what I know how to do as far as healthy living goes.  It is a no-brainer really.  I know what to do and that is to keep my eyes on the prize, don’t let go of it, and then make nice little decisions throughout everyday to ensure a victory.  This is not easy at all because the fear is still there but the fear is not as powerful as the full life that can be lived in health.  Self-sabotage many call it.

My addictive side?????

My addictive side grabs hold of that which makes me feel better.  This side of me will barely let go of the medicine.  So when I eat two candy bars with wonderful peanut butter and sugar inside, I feel better for the moment, then my addictive side says, “Oh hell yeah that felt good.  What is wrong with wonderfulness.  Lets keep doing this.”  Contrary to much popular advice that I recieve here and away, small dabbles in such wonderfulness are not a livable scenario for me.  I am often told it is MORE of a lifestyle when I allow this stuff into my life as it is less rigid but I just can’t live that way.  I know myself and taking this reality check helps me to realize that abstinence is the best way to go for several foods in this world.

Negative thinking?

I can get seriously deep into some negative thinking about myself and my journey.  So negative in fact that I can completely forget a good thing that I just accomplished.  This is crazy but it is a reality so why should I deny myself the knowledge of the truth or the opportunity to talk about it.  I can pick out one negative thing out of a sea of positive.  It can be a beautiful day out but I will see a cloud the size of a man’s hand 100 miles away.  HAHAHAHA  I am going to work on this.  WW is not really that hard and it is certainly not impossible.  What is hard is staying on track while I am off track.  The contrary actions.  The lying to myself that I am doing it when I am not doing it.  What the hell!  If I am not doing it I am just going to say to myself I am not doing it and then get back on track.

Finally! I had a good food day.

I did good yesterday with my eating AND with my running.  I stayed right on track with  my points.  I am now eating 32 points per day being in weight loss mode and I ended up eating 35 points after dinner and dessert.  I ate a lot of filling healthy foods so I was satisified for most of the day.  I also resisted the temptation to give into my old habits and not stop at the mini-mart for pepperoni which has been all to common of late.  I feel good about having a victorious day and pray that I can string together many more as the days go on.  For dinner I had tilapia, veggies, half of a sweet potatoe, and a weight watchers “icre cream” dessert.  It actually was a relief to eat healthy.

My run yesterday also went really well.  It was an “easy” day with a 6 mile run at a slower pace.  The temperature was around 79 so it felt like I was running in the cool fresh autumn breeze as compared to the day before where I had to do a “hard” speed workout (10×800 @ 5k pace) in 101 degree heat.  Yesterday I was able to finish the workout as planned but the day before I had to be flexible and ended up only doing 4 reps at 5k pace, 5 reps at 10k pace and then the last rep at my marathon goal pace.  It was a very difficult workout.

I am really trying/working hard to think positive about WW and how I am doing on it.  The more negative I think the more negative I do.  I know without any doubt that the program will work wonders and take the weight off but if I don’t do the program it won’t work at all.  So I have done the program very well for a day and hope to add today as a victory also.

Inspiration and hardship!

I guess I don’t really need to say AGAIN that I have been having a seriously hard time with food but I will.  My exercise is just fine with the exception that I don’t do any cross-training.  But as far as getting a good calorie burn for the week I am doing well.    It appears that my relationship with food has actually gotten worse as time goes on.   I try really hard but then end up falling for the pepperoni, chips, not counting dinner, etc.  With the amount of running I do (which really is not a lot by marathoner standards) I will not return to my previous weight but I can be/get at a weight that is not at all comfortable.  I guess it is a Romans 7 thing for food and weight loss.  I want so bad to do good but I keep doing what I don’t want to do and can’t seem to do what I really want to do.  Thank you RINGMASTER for helping me in this respect.   I know you don’t know that you helped me but you did.  A LOT.

I feel like I am swimming against the current in a vicious ocean yet when I look around I am just in a wave pool at some water park.  The current isn’t horrible or impossible but my strength wanes.  When I tire or my emotional strength fades, I grab the first life raft (food) possible.  It may appear that I am depressed or despondent. Yet the truth is that I have a great deal of inspiration to forge on, press on to more health, take another step in the right direction.  I have the inspiration to forget about the 50 steps that I might take backwards and the wisdom to take my first step forward.  It is a race for life with a loving God as my primary strength.  I have forgotten this completely.  And I mean completely but I thank Him for the special people who have reminded me of the depth, breadth, and relevance of the REAL race and the REAL strength.

So last night I ate like crap.  Bacon and macaroni and cheese.  That is gone now.  My shirt doesn’t fit like I want it too.  That is leaving now.  My belt doesn’t latch at the previous and glorious indention.  This will change.  I can no longer see the tiny bit of abs that I could see before.  Nevertheless I have hope.  I believe in that which is not yet seen .  I will not give up.  I will never despair.  I can change once again both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  He has not given up and neither will I.

So much to be thankful for.  So much to remember.  So much ground that has been gained.  Miracles that have happened to me and my body.  It is all real and today I chose to remember.  Below are some very potent and special lyrics.   Read them and ponder them.  They actually mean something.  If you can guess the author that would be cool too.  I put a picture of him at the top. HAHAHAHA  That is not me up there.

Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God that I’m breathing. Then I pray dont’ take me soon ’cause I am hear for a reason.  Sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds; I know someday it’ll all turn around.

It’s not about win or lose because we all lose when they feed on the souls of the innocent. Blood drenched pavement.  Keep on movin’ though the waters stay ragin’.  In this maze you can lose your way it might drive you crazy but don’t let it faze you no way.  Sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds; I know someday it’ll all turn around.

Perspectives! Life changing!

On my way to work this morning one of my favorite Christian songs from Kutless came on my Ipod.  I wanted to share some of the lyrics with all of you because I have always felt that these lyrics were so powerful.  Then I will talk about how they relate to life for my and my weight loss journey.

• You feel like your life’s crashing down all around you.  Let me ask if it’s really so bad?  Look at the world and it’s suffering, can you honestly tell me that no one else can understand all of the hurting inside.
• Why can’t you see, that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away. Who could you be.  If your lense was changed for a moment would you still be the same.
• Yestertday you really couldn’t see, by changing your angle a new world will be.  Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees.

As I said at the top of this post, these lyrics are very powerful to me.  They are not ony relevant for my weight loss journey but for life in general.  In fact, it seems that “your perspective” is really all that matters some times.  Many times I get really down and blue.  During these times I focus on the negatives and fail to even basically believe that any of the positives exist at all.  This crushes me for the short period that I am like this.  This perspective causes bad food choices, binges, junk food love, sneak eating, negative talk about my body, self-perpectuating cycles of eat/guilt/eat/guilt.

I am in this negative perspective paradigm right now.  But what is the true perspective?  For all of us, when we feel so down about the journey; WHAT IS THE TRUE PERSPECTIVE?  HOW DO WE CHANGE OUR PERSPECTIVE?  I think that changing perspectives is a choice albeit a very difficult one.  I also think that the more time that you spend in one the harder it is to change to the other.  Take my body image for example.  I looked at a larger and more obese body for sooooo many years that even though that image is from the past now, it is like a took a still photo of it and I still see it in my persepctive in the mirror at times.  It is not the true perspective though and I am slowly (very slowly) coming  to terms with the real picture now.

I want to share my present view point and then share the “actual” one.

PRESENT PERSPECTIVE

• I can’t lose the few pounds that I have gained
• I am getting bigger by the day
• Everything is sooo hard
• I am a failure so I should just give in to all temptations
• I am not feeling appreciated
• Food helps me feel better
• Eating healthy is boring
• My job sucks

POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE

• I am very good at losing weight and I have proved that
• I have gained some weight but I am still under WW goal weight
• All things are possible through Him who strengthens me
• I fail sometimes but I am not a failure.  I am blessed and healthy
• Even though I may feel unloved, many people and especially God love me.
• Eating healthy makes me feel more healthy
• Eating healthy is a great way to spice things up.  Anyone can eat unhealthy junk
• My job is a dream job for many people out there and having a job in general is a blessing.
• I am not a fat blob!

It is so hard for me to look at the positive sometimes especially when I am feeling low and don’t want to put the effort into climbing out of the black hole.  But the good is ALWAYS there, it is ALWAYS real, it is ALWAYS there for the taking if I can just remember it.  If I can just be thankful and grateful for what I have and for what has happened along this journey.

I am not doing well on weight watchers.  Nobody turned on the “difficult” switch when I wasn’t looking.  The program is the same. I am still an endurance athlete and “fit as a fiddle” (as Robfitness says).  I will ask for God’s help to change my view of what is going on.  Change my view on how strong I am with Him.  To change my view on what is still and always has been possible.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!  ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE?

What happened yesterday

As most of you know I was a little down in my mood yesterday.  I was worried that it would throw me off of my good string of WW days and kill the positive momentum that I was having.  Well, I did not do perfect but I think I still have a good chance of losing at the next WW weigh-in.  Here is everything I put into my mouth yesterday from morning until night.

 

 

 

 

 

Coffee

Cottage cheese

2 WW frozen dinners

Banana

Nectarine

Alternative bagel

WW cream cheese

Turkey

Popcorn

Fruit cup

Oatmeal Carrots

Hot dog

3 Tootsie pops (bad choice)

12 ounces of LEAN tenderloin (should have had less)

Veggies

2 hot dog buns

1 herbalife shake

All of this food added up to 51 points for the entire day.  I am not too entirely happy about the amount of points but it could have been FAR worse.  I dipped into my 35 weeklies and that is just fine.  So far since my weigh-in I have eaten

All my daily points

16 of my weekly flex points

I have earned 16 activity points

I plan to eat all of my weekly flex points and leave most of my activity points alone.  I will get a lot of AP’s this weekend as I will be running 46 miles.  This should give me around 50 AP’s.  I will eat some but certainly not most of them.  I would like to have around 30 AP’s left by next Wednesday’s weigh-in so that I can have at least one pounds worth of calorie deficit.

I am having serious doubts that I can lose the 15 pounds that I want to.  I don’t know why the switch in my mind got tripped and now I think it is hard to lose.  I have always thought it was hard to maintain but have also felt that losing was easy.  I hope all goes as planned.  I may not weigh-in on Wednesday since it will be after a marathon but I will definitely go to the meeting.