Weight watchers: if you blow it……..hold on cuz it might not be so bad

So yesterday I had a scare at work that basically through me (somewhat unknowingly) into myemotional eating persona. LOL.  It was stressful that’s for sure and the minute somebody asked me if I wanted some fast food I hoped right on that band wagon without a thought.  Then I felt guilty about it and ate a bunch of candy.  All in all I ate 91 WW points for the day.  It was a true blow up but I stopped it after the candy since I was actually pretty dang full of the yummy fatties.  I wasn’t going to count any of those points but today I decided it is what it is and I should count it.  I turned out that it was not such a horrible blow up after all.  Sure I emotionally ate which I don’t like to get into when I can help it but even after counting all 91 points I still have 13 weekly points left.  That was a huge relief and I could have enjoyed many more hours of “NON-GUILT” if I would have just counted it right away and known the truth.  So it was a good lesson RELEARNED!!!  If you blow it, just hold on, stop, and count the calories/points.  It is usually not as bad as you think it is.  It is the guilt that you let fester that kills you because you hop right back into that bad healthy cycle.

Today was a much better day for eating.  I also ran.  Yesterday I didn’t run because of the work emergency and the mass amount of food made me to full to run.  But I was back at it today.  It was a drizzling dark night tonight with heavy heavy fog.  The run was tough, I ran faster than I normally do and I just wasn’t in to it.  I didn’t enjoy it that much but sure was happy that I did it.  Here are a couple of pics from the run.

this is what my run looked like to me. it was actually pretty beautiful and neat

Creating an atmosphere of confidence in your mind for your journey

image from studentbranding.com

I had a terrific week and a few days ago I wrote a lot about the confidence I had in running long distance training or race runs.  As I ran my 6 mile run today I thought and thought and thought about this but I didn’t know I was until I finished.  I said to myself mid-way that I should go for ten miles because I knew I could do it and it would increase my long run distance build-up faster.  I held back though.  I thought to myself that I am 100% sure that even right now I could push through and battle out a marathon finish.  I mean heck, when there is so much on the line (a finishers shirt!!!  🙂 ) you always finish.  I know I could.  Would it be really fun?  Would it be “relaxing” and benificial?  Would it foster good thoughts or bad ones?  Then it struck me about training for me personally.  My body responds well to pretty much any kind of training I think.  I recover well.  I can go a long ass ways.  But it REALLY struck my that a conservative build-up (like the one I did when I first started running) did more for creating an ATMOSPHERE OF CONFIDENCE within my own mind than it did for creating a super fit person.  Of course the super fit goes along with the running but the multiple ultras and marathons, the way I explained to myself in my writing how I thought and felt going into a race, the sense of almost scoffing at a distance (with respect though) because I had done the work in the trenches far before hand.  It struck me that the ATMOSPHERE OF CONFIDENCE in my own mind was what I need to foster more than anything.  THAT is what creates IN ME the ability to stick with it, the ability to enjoy it, the ability to endure much longer distances.  In other words, I held back.  I cherished the “small” 6 mile victory.  I saw in my minds eye the red line on my confidence meter bump up because I finished my 6 miles in complete comfort and with a sigh of satisfaction followed by a smile.  There is plenty of time to build-up to 20, 30, 40 mile long runs.  I was reminded of the times where I had a 30 mile long run and I felt this exact same way when I finished: in comfort and with a smile.  Not sore for days, happy I did it, confident I could do it again. 

 

It also then dawned on me that training (or even starting exercise for the non-exerciser) is  a work of creating that atmosphere of confidence in the mind.  Making sure to work it in a way to create small victories to maximize and ensure that the confidence builds.  The body will make the changes it needs to, but the mind almost needs to be tricked into believe in itself if that makes sense.  It may seem slow forcing delayed gratification but suddenly you end up doing 50 times more than you ever thought feeling like its easy just like that 6 mile run.  I am committed to this.  Developing that atmosphere of confidence, developing that consistency of victory.  Maybe not moving on too fast but making sure I have lots of victories along the way.  Building, building, building.

 

Hopefully that all made sense because I just rambled a lot. LOL.

Weight loss victory is a matter of perception sometimes.

Today I somehow made my way through the mass tangle of the internet into reading a list of the most expensive cars in the world.  It was pretty amazing that a $150,000.00 car didn’t even come close to making the list.  Below is a picture of one the most expensive cars in the world coming in at around $750,000.00 which oddly enough is about half the price of the most expensive cars.

A SSC Ultimate Aero-V (photo from wix.com)

This got me to thinking about the people who buy these.  To them, buying the 150 grand car is nothing and they could scoff at it.  And then to the person owning the 150 grand car would easily be able to get a 75 grand car.  And then a person from 75 to 50, and then 50, to 20, and so on all the way down to the person who thinks it is the best thing ever to have a 1985 oldmobile in good condition for $1500.00.  It is all a matter of perception. 

I think weight loss is the same way.  A person who has lost 500 lbs may think it is no big deal to have to lose 200 and so on.  Likewise, you can look at the “blow ups” on your journey in particular ways.  A person who gained all their weight back would wish they only gained half, and a person gaining half would wish for only a quarter.  And for me, TODAY, I realized that going way over my points could be looked at like a “blow up” but it really isn’t.  I still have SOME weekly points left.  If I had looked at going so far over as a huge failure I may have just said “EFF” it and started again on monday like we all have done a million times.  Today I chose to be excited that I was still on plan even while going over so much.  I chose to stay positive about it and realize it could have been much more “EXPENSIVE” points wise than it really was. 

I guess I was just reminded that we are all on a journey and no matter what mark we want to get to or what obstacles we face, we are all just people and our goals and hard times are important and real to us.

Staying on plan through all the feelings

It’s funny when I think of it, but bad eating doesn’t just happen when you are bummed out or pissed or some other negative emotion.  It happens when you are happy as heck too.  Food and eating it are closely connected to our emotions.  We use it for birthdays, holidays, and celebrations of all types.  We use it at funerals, work meetings, and vacations.  It is all around us during all our feelings good and bad.  It is possible to stay on your plan though during it all.  Sometimes its hard, sometimes its not, but it is ALWAYS possible.  Today I made it possible with some simple choices and the stuff I ate that was not optimal……………well…………..I just counted it.  Ended the day with one point left actually and that is good news.  LOL!  Even on a day where I felt the whole range of emotions and had lots of opportunites to not count or just blow it all, I hung on.  You can too.

I also got my run in tonight.  It was a dry and cold night.  I started the run just as the sun was setting so I took a pic through some awesome old oak trees.  Check it out and thanks for stopping by to read.

Hard day for me but eating and running went well

I had a sucky day at work emotionally.  Got pretty hurt, then offended, then it just turned to being pissed off.  Still a bit pissed off really but my run helped a ton and then coming home to play some “Call of Duty” on the XBOX with the family cherred me up also.

So it was a victorious day really because as easy as I could have eaten emotionally I did not medicate in that fashion.  I just tried to relax and laugh with the people at work that are more enjoyable.  I went over my points a bit but it was nothing to worry about since I have my 49 extra points per week.  I also gained 9 points running tonight so that helped.  I had a great run.  It was hard on the legs a bit but it was brisk and nice.  Here are two pics from the run.  It was neat because I took a pic of a group of cattle and when they saw me they all run up to the fence to get close because they were curious.

Food: First and foremost

I have learned a vast amount this year about my own weight loss journey and possibly about other people’s journey as well.  With all the running I did late 2009 and early 2010 you would think that gaining weight would be impossible.  This is far FAR from the truth.  For someone like me, who loves to eat and also tends to the emotional eating side of things, excise may not make up the difference.  For me, lots and lots of running may slow down the gaining but it will not prevent it.  What I have learned about how much food plays a part in the whole weight loss game is contrary to what I thought originally.  My gain occured steadily while running lots of miles as well as 30-40 mile long runs.  Yup, that’s right!!  I had months where I still steadily gained weight despite the fact that I was run 10 hours a week or so.  In fact, the many hours of running in a way decived me into thinking I did not have to watch what I ate as much, and then my eating remaining faulty even after I got burned out on running.  This just multiplied the weight gain effect.

So my conclusion is that no matter what exercise we do, what we put into our bodies via our mouth is the most important aspect of weight loss or gain.  I understand more now that it is possible to lose weight without exercising but eating VERY well but pretty much impossible to be really successful just leaning on burning calories through exercise.  In my WW meetings they always said that you could lose weight without the exercise even though it was not recommended and the loss would not be as rapid but I always kind of doubted it in the back of my mind.  I don’t doubt this anymore.  If my eating had stayed healthy, balanced, and monitored I never would have gained any weight back despite the amount I ran.  So I think food comes first.  It is the main-stay weapon in our arsenal in the weight loss battle.

A new dawn ahead: Weight Watchers, Running, and a Fresh start

A new year is ahead of us.  This year has been a very wild ride for me personally.  I have not been posting here at all for sometime for various reasons but have not stopped writing because writing is something that helps me learn about myself, my ways, and my weight loss journey.  I hope that I have not lost all my friends here.  I am going to start posting regularly again and I am pretty darn excited about it.  Please feel free to join in on my adventures for 2011. 

For starters, I have gained about 50 lbs.  Yeah that is a lot but what can I do about it now except move forward into a new and exciting dawn. 

This was during my run tonight.

Here I am just days ago during my family christmas

Running

Part of the weight gain came about because of a serious burn out on running that was largely due to personal life stuff that I described on the blog earlier this year.  I tried hard to hold on to all the running I was doing but I just couldn’t, not with the mental stress and life changes.  Plus, I was working really hard on balance. I think I went to far with it though………….LOL!  So I never stopped running but I cut way back and am currently on my way back to running more and getting fit.  Come along with me as I progress again in my fitness, endurance, and running.  I feel like I am practically starting all over with running but I am far from that I think.  Still, way out of shape in my opinion and the extra wait is not fun to run around with.

Weight Watchers

I am, as you may have guessed, doing weight watchers for the “healthy eating” portion of my journey.  I get lots of points on this new POINTS PLUS plan.  Seems pretty well.  At the current time I am not going to meetings but doing it online.  I am having good success with it so far and plan to continue that for sure.  With the exception of xmas day I am eating pretty good and counting EVERYTHING. I know what to do, I am not making excuses, and I will succeed. Soon enough I will look like this again. LOL

Stay tuned to the blog to follow my journey-a-fresh.  I am excited and I hope that my posts can help you on your own journey with real life inspiration.  IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.  I AM COMING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD!!!

Some thoughts and food update

I have given a lot thought to the marathon or longer races that I have been doing lately.  I enjoy the races very much and they give me a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment.  I feel good knowing I can run 26 miles with no problem, or finish a 50 mile race, or head down to Tennessee for my favorite Strolling Jim 40 Miler.  I have finished 26 races of marthon distance or longer but I have been asking myself why lately.  You see, I don’t want these races to be my “identity” or self-worth measuring stick.  I have been thinking that if these long races are creeping into the arena of meaning THAT, then I need to back off of them so that I can regain a healthier sense of who I am and what is most important to me.  I don’t want to get to a place where I think I am not in shape because I don’t want to or can’t run a 50 miler anytime I want to.  I don’t want to be thinking, “man, I only did 1 marathon this year I’m must not be a real runner.”  I am not there yet but I know myself and my tendency to do this so I have had to put myself into check regarding this.  So I have been considering drastically cutting back on these races so that I can begin to focus on more objective measures of success that define my fitness and my goals more accurately.  I am not looking to be one of the best marthoners or ultra-marathoners, I am looking to be in very very good condition as a runner who still enjoys running for the rest of my life.  Anyway, these are just the thoughts I have been having regarding this.

My eating went very well yesterday again.  I went to Taco Del Mar for dinner but had the calories and points to be able to do it within my plan.  It was very tasty too.  It’s friday and I don’t work tomorrow so I am finishing off my lunches today.  I feel pretty darn good physically and have lots of energy.  I will also run today, I think it is a marathon goal paced run for 5-6 miles.  I am just going to focus on enjoying that run for running’s sake.  Just be outside and enjoy the sensation of movement and experience the blessing of being able to run at all.  That’s all for today.

My food until dinner time today

Here is my lunch for the day.  This is pretty much everything that I am going to eat from morning to evening.  I have already eaten my breakfast which was a protien shake with oatmeal in it.  It’s about 5 points on WW.  So I just threw this lunch together kind of because I woke up late and had no time to really make sure it was well balanced.  Here is what I got:

• Two string cheeses-2 points
• One nectarine- 1 point
• One apple- 1 point
• One yogurt- 2 points
• One cup of spaghetti noodles- 4 points
• 3 ounces of chicken in spaghetti sauce- 3 points
• 3 ounces of potatoes with veggies- 1 point
• Half a cup of lean ground beef- 4 points
• Half a cup of rice-4 points
• 100 calorie popcorn

That is 22 points total for my food I eat at work.  Counting my shake it would be 28 points.

I’m trying to get more organized with my food and exercise.  I hope to be able to be posting more now……………I have not been motivated to post much at all for a long time now.  It’s good for me to post as it helps me stay on track and give me motivation.

Very Tired but Happy Too!

Oh boy am I tired today.  I have been staying up pretty late but it has been well worth it.  So I am happy with it.  Lots of stuff has been happening of late and I really like it.  I hope to keep experiencing more and more of it.  On another note, I am totally seeing visible changes in my body when I look in the mirror.  Not huge ones but they are apparent so I feel good about it.  I am getting leaner and it seems to be working its way down from face to shoulders to arms but not to the stomach yet.HAHHAHAHA. That will come in time.  The resistance training is now cut back to two days a week becasue I just can’t do legs the way the trainer wants to and still keep my paces during my running since my legs are so tired.  Running is my first priority but I really like what the training is doing for me.  My eating is also doing well.  It’s not perfect and it probably never will be and I don’t even care if it is.  I have much more mercy on myself now.

Today I have a hard track workout.  It is supposed to be stormy, windy, and raining.  Fun huh!!!  I will be doing 20X400 meter repeats at my 5k pace.  I may not hit all the reps at that pace but will work my booty off to get it done.  These are always really hard workouts for me yet at the end I feel so good that I accomplished something hard.  Doesn’t it feel good when we accomplish something hard or difficult.  When I am done I will crumple into my truck seat and drive home feel exhausted yet exuberant about the achievement.  I will probably tell my friend and coach soon after that about the victory.  The cool this is, is that they will probably ask me how it went and to me that is special because someone cares enough to ask.  Knowing this, I also try to ask about what concerns the people I love and care for.  What they care about concerns me and what hurts them builds compassion in me.  Anyway, things are going well.  Keep on fighting the good fight of health guys.  It is so worth it.  So so worth it.  No need to give up, you CAN get to your place.

A special gift, a fast run, and losing 4 lbs.

Yesterday I was inspired by a VERY special person to keep on posting on the blog.  She reminded me that my journey was special and that I was special too.  I work a lot of hours and don’t spend a whole lot of time at home anymore.  After work yesterday when I got home, there was a special gift sitting on my front door step.  It was my favorite dessert in the world from Elephants Delicatessen: The infamous ding dong cake.  I could not find a picture of it and it would probably make the strongest of  you fall of the wagon anyway. LOL.  It was just sitting there and enclosed within the bag was a magnificent letter of encouragement.  It made my day and it offered my up a fabulous post run meal.  🙂  Thanks special person!

Once I got over the intense pleasure of receiving a wonderful gift I started to prepare for my run.  Well, after some thank you’s and a 5 minute nap.  I woke up refreshed and looking forward to a good run.  I had 7 miles a goal marathon pace which is about 7:30 minute miles.  I knew it was going to be hard but I was not afraid of that.  I was not afraid of failing in this run.  I took a step out the front door to experience what ever the run would lead me too.  I reached into my running jacket pocket to commence Breaking Benjamin on my Ipod.  As the song Anthem of Angels flooded my ears I began my run halfway down my driveway.  My neighborhood road is exactly .5 mile to the main road I venture out on.  There is a hill just before the main road and I was tired already.  I did not hesitate to walk about 50 feet because I knew I had to run a fast run and walking that short distance would not hurt me.  I was already breathing hard but kept at it.  I got to the main road and settled into my pace.  I ran and ran and ran and listened and listened.  Much emotion was built into this run and it carried me a good distance.  After 3 miles I finally got into my zone and the running felt easier which is odd because usually it takes me a good hour to kick into smooth running.  Step by step, minute after minute, mile after mile………..I made my way back home averaging a pace of 7:29 just like the clock in the pic.  It was a hard run and it was a succesful run.  I am just getting back into running goal paced runs more regularly since the 100 mile attempt last February.  It feels good and I am looking forward to growing in running again. 

I also lost 4 lbs last week.  My workouts with the trainer are going well and I can see changes in my body already.  I will have to lay off the legs though so I will probably be cutting the training down to twice a week really hard without the third day for legs.  I’m STILL keeping on keeping on.

A word for my fellow journy-people:

Sometimes life is smooth sailing.  The trail you are running is clear without obstruction.  You feel good, you are succeeding, you are winning the good fight.  Then comes a steep steep hill.  This hill comes out of nowhere and it scares the crap out of you.  You have no idea how you can make it up such a steep climb and you don’t understand how such a huge obstacle could just appear right in the middle of your smooth sailing  journey.  ITS OK!!!  You will keep at it.  Taking one step at a time climbing higher and higher until you reach the top but it will be hard and that’s ok too.  There may be plateaus mid-hill.  You maybe be able to rest for a moment only realizing you are not at the top and that the weight you carry is just too much to carry on.  There is hope in this hill.  You will learn yourself, you will change, you will become the person you dream of.  You’ll be able to start again up this hill.  And the higher you climb the more the hope that was lost will be begin to build up again.  There is hope, there is victory!

I’m hoping for the best!

Since I am working out using resistance training, I am hoping that it will make a difference in my journey to lose the weight I have gained.  So far I have not experienced much of a difference but I have not been eating that great either.  Eating is more than 60%+ of the battle if you ask me.  I mean heck, you can lose the weight without exercising if you have too.  I want to retain and even gain some muscle but also want to be as light as I can for the running.  I don’t really want the concentration camp look but I would like to make my running as easy and as effecient as possible.  So all in all I am hoping to shred the fat off my body, get down to a pretty low body fat %, and build up my running speed and endurance.  I think that this is all feasable but I am having a hard time being patient.  I think the fact that I know what it is like to be where I want to be makes it hard to except the fact that I am where I don’t want to be.  But I will make it to where I am going.  I will keep on keeping on.

Eating, running, and weight watchers???

Like the homing pigeons above, I need to come home.  I AM GOING TO GO HOME.  I am headed back to weight watchers again tomorrow.  I will admit, I have a sense of shame about going back.  Not because of the weight I have gained or anything like that.  I feel “worthy” of going back but what I feel bad about is stopping my meetings in the first place.  I love them you know.  I care about the people there and they care about me.  There is no reason but full on self-deception that has caused me to stay away.  So today I will make a grand entrance at my “home” once again.  I will go there head high and weigh in.  To be honest, even as I write this I am telling myself that I should not go back.  That I should just stay away and forget about it.  But that is my unhealthy side talking.  I know what works for me.  I know what I like to do for my body.  I have listened and listened and listened to my body for so long now there is really no arguing with what works for me and WW works.  And in fact, it works for an endurance athlete as well.  I have made WW work for ultras and marathons.  It will do the job.  I say “it” but really it is just eating healthy and eating the correct amount of calories.  “It” is like any other normal eating program.  The only difference from what I am doing now is that IT IS NORMAL. LOL. 

I am going to start training hard again with my running and on top of that I will be doing three days a week of resistance training.  I long for this.  I am in recovery from the Strolling Jim at the moment but I will be back hard at it soon enough.  I yearn for the self exploration that it all brings, and the self revelation that I experience.  I can’t wait for the sense of accomplishment DAILY knowing that I am doing the RIGHT thing for my body.  The right thing for my life.  I never would have guessed that running would have become such a part of my life.  I never would have dreamed that I would write a post about my third year of long distance running and that I completed my 22nd long race.  I don’t say this stuff to be arrogant and I hope you don’t see it that way.  As I write I am even humbled by the process.  The process of step by step growth.  The process of learning what and what not to do while running.  I am humbled that I can even call myself a runner and to be honest at this point in my running life I still sometimes don’t think I am a REAL runner.  Now that is crazy because a REAL runner is just a normal person who runs, jogs, walk/jogs, etc.  There is no distance that makes you a runner.  There is no magic number of races that changes your identity to be someone else so that you can finally be a REAL runner.  There is no days per week that you must run to be REAL.  All you have to do is get out there and do it.  Fast or slow, smooth or uncordinated, natural or unnatural.  So I am going to get out there and do some more running becasue I want to.  I don’t have to.  I am the same person with the same worth and the same integrity if I do or don’t.  But I want to run, and I want to experience all that it has to offer me in this short life.

Running through it

Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant.  I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations.  At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today.  I have not been doing ALL BAD!  So I will look on the bright side of things.  I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better.  I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles.  I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back.  I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard.  And the hard stuff is not over yet either.  Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder.  But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all.  It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place.  Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it.  I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc.  But I have not turned my back on running.  I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running.  My come back races were 32 and 41 miles. 

This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together.  It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again.  I am back to exercising with cross-training.  I am excited once again about my running goals.  I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come.  I have to start somewhere.  Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once.  I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can.  i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so.  So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on.  I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be.  I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard.  But I am glad I have learned it.  VERY GLAD.

Still running.

I did 5 miles today.  My legs are having a hard time recovering from my last two long runs.  One was 63 that you all know about and the other was 25 last weekend.  My legs felt pretty good in the 25 miler but the runs this week were damn hard.  My legs felt like lead and they felt like that were straight all the time stiff like.  But I am still out there.  I am still going for it.  I am still in great shape.  It was a beautiful day this morning during my run.  The sun was in full effect, motorcycles were out enjoying the warmth, people were dressed in slightly warm weather clothes.   I saw each of them as I tromped on by them as I took one smooth step after the other.  The air was refreshing and crisp.  I listened to Mariachi music for the whole run which put a romantic touch to the time outside.  So although my legs are mourning the abuse for a bit, it was an extrememly great experience to have on this wonderful day

Do you remember???????????????

This is my journal which contains every step of my journey over the last 6 months. It's got pictures, song lyrics, in-depth reviews of my own emotions, and lots and lots of processing. The small book on top is my newest WW book without any stickers.

Today I am choosing to REMEMBER!  On my way to work I stopped to get my morning coffee (which I am going to hopefully stop soon) and the powerful urge to get a donut or a pepperoni hit me.  I have developed some bad habits in hermitville.  But today I remembered why I started this health journey.  I remembered how it makes me feel to eat donuts on the way to work in my car all by myself so nobody sees.  I remembered how proud I was of myself when I was eating better, not perfect, but better.  So today’s motto is REMEMBER WHY!

Here is why I first started and continue on my journey.

• I was starting to breathe hard just getting out of bed.
• I had a very hard time to get my shoes on.
• I felt like shit about myself because I was not living according to the way I really wanted to.
• Being overweight was like being in an emotional tumble drying, my mind constant knocked me around about it.
• I lived more secretively because I was afraid to be honest about my eating.
• I was more afraid of rejection and that caused a lot of the secretiveness which in turned only caused weight gain.
• I wanted to feel good about the way I was living.
• I wanted to run a marathon someday.
• I wanted to be fit and healthy so that normal activities would be WAY easier.

So those are the things I am rememering today.  What is it that brought you to the starting line of your own journey?  Are they all physical things like skinny jeans, small shirts, flat stomach, etc?  Or were some of them emotional and mental things that brought you to toe the line for the first time or possibly again?

There is no shame at trying again.  There is honor in it though.  EVERYBODY who succeeds has had to try again.  Mess ups happen, it might be a little easier to get back on track if you remember why you wanted to start this journey in the first place.

Out of hermitville…………New life Check Up

Hello everyone.  I have decided, for the benefit of my own health to come out from being a blog hermit.  I have experienced a lot since the last time I wrote to you all.  My life has changed drastically, my heart is soft again, I have opened up myself to other around me, and I HAVE EATEN A VAST AMOUNT OF FOOD. HAHAHAHA.  I am not complaining though.  For today I show myself mercy and I don’t do that too often.  At this time it is needed however, so I will give myself a break.

• I am current 8 lbs over my WW lifetime goal.  Yup, that is right, I actually had to pay the last time I went and that was the first time in around 2 years. 
• I am having a hard time with recovery in my running lately.
• I have stood up for myself and been authentic more in the last three months than I ever was in my previous 33 years of life.
• My heart has changed drastically and I am excited to move on in my life to experience even more love and growth than ever before.
• I am back to WW and starting out on a new path.  I will do well for sure.

I have received so many emails from all of you who care.  I appreciate it more than you would ever dream.  I did not return any of them for the most part but I did take each and every word that you spoke into my life and used it for good.  I have slowly (some would tell me VERY quickly) but surely emerged from a lot of crappy darkness.  I will never be the same but I will be better instead of worse. 

I will tell you all, that I have learned so much about myself and about people.  I have experienced and learned so much mercy and understanding.  When I think of it all I kind of melt into a lump of thankfulness.  I get filled with emotion at the realization that people (yeah, all of us) have the capacity to endure and grow more than even I ever imagined.  And I saw that Love and Compassion for others is a major factor in my ability to endure such things that I have.  I saw that my running is more of a picture of my life than I thought, and that it has taught me good lessons that will stick with me for a lifetime

A LITTLE MESSAGE TO YOU ALL

You know what guys, sometimes things just get hard don’t they.  Sometimes they add up over time, and other times they rush in to overwhelm.  I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens or has happened, just about anything is possible for you.  Now is not the time to give up on what you want in life.  Now is not the time to think of yourself as a throw away.  Now is not the time to let others talk you out of your dreams.  I know you can do what it is you want to do.  Just take one step, just one.  And in time, you will one day be where you want to be.  And during those many steps you will fall down.  This is ok.  This is nothing to panic over.  This is the normal human experience and it is highly desirable albeit not enjoyable.  Because when we do fall, we learn how to stand once again.

All set with my food

I finally went grocery shopping.  I have not been but once or twice in two or three months.  I have just been having a heck of a time in life but I finally went.  I got what I needed to stay on track until the race and plan to keep on track after the race.  I am looking forward with much anticipation for being more healthy and being more kind to myself in the future.  I will lose the weight I gained, regain some of the confidence that has been destroyed, and build myself back up.  The world has so much to offer and I will take it in.  All that life has to offer both good and bad.

I feel pretty ok today.  So proud of “starting over”.  I have developed a lot of bad habits again but they can be broken just like they were before.  It is an emergency and at the same time not an emergency.  No reason to panic.  No reason to give up.  Just a bump on the road that brings about the need to reconsider and adjust goals.  All is well.

getting close but feeling fat

Ok, I have been eating off of WW and kind of out of control for a while now.  My situation has proved to be more powerful than I thought as far as emotional eating goes.  I have really been doing bad in this area and I have realized that my feelings about myself really good down hill when I am not being good to myself by being healthy in general.  This sucks.  BUT…………..I am getting my goals reorganzied, writing them down, and starting to get more focus again.  It is sooooo hard.  It is one thing to be focused on healthy when you are doing well but when you are feeling bad about yourself it is not so easy you know.  But I shall start up again.  What else can I do.

The race is very close now.  I will leave in less than a week and toe the line in exactly 8 days.  I am nervous much because of my weight gain since my situation broke out and my life turned upside down.  However, I won’t give up.  Sure, my life is upside down and all around, but it is time to regain some momentum for health and being good to myself.  I will need to lose some significant weight.  And I will need to be patient with this.  I am hoping that participating in this 100 mile race will reignite my fire for life and health and weight management.

Weight Watchers Weigh-In. A life of persistence.

Wow!!  That is all I have to say sometimes.  The journey of life, let alone weight loss and maintenance, can be an eventful one for sure.   So I have not been to WW for two months now.  Basically, since my situation has been going on I have felt soooo bad about going to my WW meeting for some reason.  Just didn’t want to face my leader or my fellow souls on the journey.  But……..I finally did.  I went to my damn WW meeting despite my feelings, hurt, weight gain, fear, etc.  That is what I have to do right.  I discovered tonight that a journey, which could be more important than the result, take much persistence.  I will talk more about that in a sec.

So I went to my WW meeting even though I had fear but I was warmly welcomed by all.  My wonderful leader hugged me happily, talked with me and comforted me greatly regarding what I am going through.  I talked with people.  Shared my journey again from 12 minutes of exercise three times a week to becoming an ultra-marathoner.  I admit that the praise and love and kindness felt soooooooooooooooooo good.  It was so nice to be with like minded people who feel the way I do on so many different levels.  Although they don’t know my deep inside stuff, I knew that they had  theirs inside themselves, and that was quite possible the reason they and I were there.  To be with others who love and hate food.  With others who want something better out of life, something more enjoyable.  I was a wonderfully refreshing time for me and that alone will keep me going back.  I had forgotten how good those people were over my two months leave of absence.  So what was the result of my two month journey of depression, binge eating, emotional eating, and crying.  HAHAHAHA  Despite loads of pepperoni, donuts, candy, and other junk; I only gained about .5 lbs.  The great thing is that I am still lifetime member there at WW.  I am still within my range.  WOW!  Never would have guessed that that would happen.  I was relieved be there again.

Now to the lesson learned.  I can get real down on myself, life, work, and everything really.  AND I MEAN REALLY DOWN.  But, I never gave up.  If I binged on AM/PM hamburgers and candy at night, well gosh dang it I tried like a son-of-a-gun to do good the next morning.  Then at lunch.  Then at break time.  Etc. Etc Etc.  Even though I was soooo freaking tired emotionally I still kept at my running.  I still kept at my goals.  I never let them out of my sight even for a day.  I say day because I let them out of my sight for many moments. HAHAHA  But not all day.  I still got out of bed and went to work to be a productive human being.  I still took out the garbage, talked with my mom and sisters, I have been talking more with others being more social, and never gave up.  Even when I was hating my body and feeling like crap, I kept telling myself it is not over.  It is not even a big deal.  It is just part of all of this journey that I am on in life.  Just part of it.  I didn’t have to feel guilt about it, or worthless, I just needed to remember that it was all just part of life.  Life happens you know.  You can’t control it all.  So to my word of the night: PERSISTENCE.  That is right.  Just persisting the best I could at the things that I CAN do.  I could do perfect.  I was to damn tired and hurt and feeling low.  But kept at the things that I could do for that time in my life.  I didn’t just give up because I couldn’t be perfect at WW or whatever.  So my lesson is that even though life happens, we mess up, things go wrong, and it all seems impossible to get back on track; just keep doing what I CAN do.