Weight watchers: if you blow it……..hold on cuz it might not be so bad

So yesterday I had a scare at work that basically through me (somewhat unknowingly) into myemotional eating persona. LOL.  It was stressful that’s for sure and the minute somebody asked me if I wanted some fast food I hoped right on that band wagon without a thought.  Then I felt guilty about it and ate a bunch of candy.  All in all I ate 91 WW points for the day.  It was a true blow up but I stopped it after the candy since I was actually pretty dang full of the yummy fatties.  I wasn’t going to count any of those points but today I decided it is what it is and I should count it.  I turned out that it was not such a horrible blow up after all.  Sure I emotionally ate which I don’t like to get into when I can help it but even after counting all 91 points I still have 13 weekly points left.  That was a huge relief and I could have enjoyed many more hours of “NON-GUILT” if I would have just counted it right away and known the truth.  So it was a good lesson RELEARNED!!!  If you blow it, just hold on, stop, and count the calories/points.  It is usually not as bad as you think it is.  It is the guilt that you let fester that kills you because you hop right back into that bad healthy cycle.

Today was a much better day for eating.  I also ran.  Yesterday I didn’t run because of the work emergency and the mass amount of food made me to full to run.  But I was back at it today.  It was a drizzling dark night tonight with heavy heavy fog.  The run was tough, I ran faster than I normally do and I just wasn’t in to it.  I didn’t enjoy it that much but sure was happy that I did it.  Here are a couple of pics from the run.

this is what my run looked like to me. it was actually pretty beautiful and neat

A new dawn ahead: Weight Watchers, Running, and a Fresh start

A new year is ahead of us.  This year has been a very wild ride for me personally.  I have not been posting here at all for sometime for various reasons but have not stopped writing because writing is something that helps me learn about myself, my ways, and my weight loss journey.  I hope that I have not lost all my friends here.  I am going to start posting regularly again and I am pretty darn excited about it.  Please feel free to join in on my adventures for 2011. 

For starters, I have gained about 50 lbs.  Yeah that is a lot but what can I do about it now except move forward into a new and exciting dawn. 

This was during my run tonight.

Here I am just days ago during my family christmas

Running

Part of the weight gain came about because of a serious burn out on running that was largely due to personal life stuff that I described on the blog earlier this year.  I tried hard to hold on to all the running I was doing but I just couldn’t, not with the mental stress and life changes.  Plus, I was working really hard on balance. I think I went to far with it though………….LOL!  So I never stopped running but I cut way back and am currently on my way back to running more and getting fit.  Come along with me as I progress again in my fitness, endurance, and running.  I feel like I am practically starting all over with running but I am far from that I think.  Still, way out of shape in my opinion and the extra wait is not fun to run around with.

Weight Watchers

I am, as you may have guessed, doing weight watchers for the “healthy eating” portion of my journey.  I get lots of points on this new POINTS PLUS plan.  Seems pretty well.  At the current time I am not going to meetings but doing it online.  I am having good success with it so far and plan to continue that for sure.  With the exception of xmas day I am eating pretty good and counting EVERYTHING. I know what to do, I am not making excuses, and I will succeed. Soon enough I will look like this again. LOL

Stay tuned to the blog to follow my journey-a-fresh.  I am excited and I hope that my posts can help you on your own journey with real life inspiration.  IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.  I AM COMING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD!!!

A special gift, a fast run, and losing 4 lbs.

Yesterday I was inspired by a VERY special person to keep on posting on the blog.  She reminded me that my journey was special and that I was special too.  I work a lot of hours and don’t spend a whole lot of time at home anymore.  After work yesterday when I got home, there was a special gift sitting on my front door step.  It was my favorite dessert in the world from Elephants Delicatessen: The infamous ding dong cake.  I could not find a picture of it and it would probably make the strongest of  you fall of the wagon anyway. LOL.  It was just sitting there and enclosed within the bag was a magnificent letter of encouragement.  It made my day and it offered my up a fabulous post run meal.  🙂  Thanks special person!

Once I got over the intense pleasure of receiving a wonderful gift I started to prepare for my run.  Well, after some thank you’s and a 5 minute nap.  I woke up refreshed and looking forward to a good run.  I had 7 miles a goal marathon pace which is about 7:30 minute miles.  I knew it was going to be hard but I was not afraid of that.  I was not afraid of failing in this run.  I took a step out the front door to experience what ever the run would lead me too.  I reached into my running jacket pocket to commence Breaking Benjamin on my Ipod.  As the song Anthem of Angels flooded my ears I began my run halfway down my driveway.  My neighborhood road is exactly .5 mile to the main road I venture out on.  There is a hill just before the main road and I was tired already.  I did not hesitate to walk about 50 feet because I knew I had to run a fast run and walking that short distance would not hurt me.  I was already breathing hard but kept at it.  I got to the main road and settled into my pace.  I ran and ran and ran and listened and listened.  Much emotion was built into this run and it carried me a good distance.  After 3 miles I finally got into my zone and the running felt easier which is odd because usually it takes me a good hour to kick into smooth running.  Step by step, minute after minute, mile after mile………..I made my way back home averaging a pace of 7:29 just like the clock in the pic.  It was a hard run and it was a succesful run.  I am just getting back into running goal paced runs more regularly since the 100 mile attempt last February.  It feels good and I am looking forward to growing in running again. 

I also lost 4 lbs last week.  My workouts with the trainer are going well and I can see changes in my body already.  I will have to lay off the legs though so I will probably be cutting the training down to twice a week really hard without the third day for legs.  I’m STILL keeping on keeping on.

A word for my fellow journy-people:

Sometimes life is smooth sailing.  The trail you are running is clear without obstruction.  You feel good, you are succeeding, you are winning the good fight.  Then comes a steep steep hill.  This hill comes out of nowhere and it scares the crap out of you.  You have no idea how you can make it up such a steep climb and you don’t understand how such a huge obstacle could just appear right in the middle of your smooth sailing  journey.  ITS OK!!!  You will keep at it.  Taking one step at a time climbing higher and higher until you reach the top but it will be hard and that’s ok too.  There may be plateaus mid-hill.  You maybe be able to rest for a moment only realizing you are not at the top and that the weight you carry is just too much to carry on.  There is hope in this hill.  You will learn yourself, you will change, you will become the person you dream of.  You’ll be able to start again up this hill.  And the higher you climb the more the hope that was lost will be begin to build up again.  There is hope, there is victory!

Running through it

Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant.  I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations.  At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today.  I have not been doing ALL BAD!  So I will look on the bright side of things.  I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better.  I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles.  I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back.  I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard.  And the hard stuff is not over yet either.  Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder.  But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all.  It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place.  Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it.  I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc.  But I have not turned my back on running.  I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running.  My come back races were 32 and 41 miles. 

This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together.  It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again.  I am back to exercising with cross-training.  I am excited once again about my running goals.  I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come.  I have to start somewhere.  Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once.  I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can.  i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so.  So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on.  I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be.  I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard.  But I am glad I have learned it.  VERY GLAD.

Do you remember???????????????

This is my journal which contains every step of my journey over the last 6 months. It's got pictures, song lyrics, in-depth reviews of my own emotions, and lots and lots of processing. The small book on top is my newest WW book without any stickers.

Today I am choosing to REMEMBER!  On my way to work I stopped to get my morning coffee (which I am going to hopefully stop soon) and the powerful urge to get a donut or a pepperoni hit me.  I have developed some bad habits in hermitville.  But today I remembered why I started this health journey.  I remembered how it makes me feel to eat donuts on the way to work in my car all by myself so nobody sees.  I remembered how proud I was of myself when I was eating better, not perfect, but better.  So today’s motto is REMEMBER WHY!

Here is why I first started and continue on my journey.

• I was starting to breathe hard just getting out of bed.
• I had a very hard time to get my shoes on.
• I felt like shit about myself because I was not living according to the way I really wanted to.
• Being overweight was like being in an emotional tumble drying, my mind constant knocked me around about it.
• I lived more secretively because I was afraid to be honest about my eating.
• I was more afraid of rejection and that caused a lot of the secretiveness which in turned only caused weight gain.
• I wanted to feel good about the way I was living.
• I wanted to run a marathon someday.
• I wanted to be fit and healthy so that normal activities would be WAY easier.

So those are the things I am rememering today.  What is it that brought you to the starting line of your own journey?  Are they all physical things like skinny jeans, small shirts, flat stomach, etc?  Or were some of them emotional and mental things that brought you to toe the line for the first time or possibly again?

There is no shame at trying again.  There is honor in it though.  EVERYBODY who succeeds has had to try again.  Mess ups happen, it might be a little easier to get back on track if you remember why you wanted to start this journey in the first place.

Point of inspiration and rememberance.

Had a horrible day the other day.  It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general.  Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident.  But……..I got an email from a good friend.  My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it.  I can’t even express the importance of that email to me.  The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING.  The email did not have any information that I don’t already know.  It did not have any secret to success.  It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life.  Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present.  You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life.  He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small.  So his email was a reminder to me.

It is so easy to forget what I have done.  That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs.  He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story.  And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again.  It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again.  I was humbled by the achievements that I had done.  I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way.  I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me.  I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months.  I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have.  The ability to overcome.  I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am.  But yesterday I started out a fresh.  I ate perfectly.  I exercised well.  I thought well of myself.  Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself.  I want to achieve a healthy self respect.

Totally bummed but keeping on.

Shooting very sharp pain stabbed me right in the mid-left back last night during my run.  I was kicking butt on my 6 mile speed work run but at the 3.5 mile mark I was stopped dead in my tracks.   I had to walk home.  I think it was a cramp or something.  Not an injury I don’t think.  I felt so out of shape and fat and discouraged after that.  I normally don’t have two runs that I cannot complete in the same week time frame but this week I did.   Me long run of 35 miles last Sunday was not completed nor was my full 6 miler.  This is ok in the long run of my journey but it still stings the esteem a bit.

I also had this horrible dream about the 100 miler that I will be doing.  I scared the heck out of my.  I think a nice dream about the end of the world or some evil thing chasing me would have been better.  In my dream I started out at an 8 min. pace for the first ten miles.  Got totally exhausted, fell asleep in some thatch roofed hut, got up to finish the race and collapsed at the 30 mile mark.  Woke up feeling like poooo after that.

I move on from all of this though.  Keeping things in perspective helps.  I can run 20 miles without any soreness or hardship.  Even 40 miles is not so bad anymore.  I am actually in good shape even if my feable mind can’t see it for the time being.  My eating is improving a lot.  I also discovered AGAIN that eating in my truck is VERY VERY EVIL.  HAHAHAHA  Can’t do it and be successful.  “Auto” eating is not good for me.

It can happen! Take a step back and reassess.

It can happen to anyone!  Falling into old habits even after losing and keeping 130 lbs off.  In fact, it is pretty easy to fall back into the old ways.  Why is this??  Well, the old ways are the old ways for a reason and they are old because I did them for so long.  Truth be told, the old ways work for what they are used for.  Oh yeah, you heard me.  THere is no denying that eating junk food makes me feel better at the moment I want to feel better.  There is no denying that it tastes wonderful like a party in my mouth.  I just want to shed the false belief that using food for comfort and security does not work.  It does work and if it did not work we would never use food to comfort ourselves.  However, there is a downside as there always is for self-medicating with potentially harmful stuff whether it be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  It brings guilt and shame and weight gain and bodily harm.

So at the practical and reality based advice of another great blogger on the journey, I took a step back to reassess my situation and take a reality check.  I took a step back to way the costs and rewards of my actions.  As  you know I have been on the wayward side of WW for a bit.  I am still right here at my WW goal weight but things have been getting increasingly unhealthy for me both mentally and physically.  Steve’s words yesterday hit me just how I needed it and brought about a major lifting of the veil over my eyes.  Now that he helped me see much more clearly, I am taking my reality check here on the blog.

What is my unhealthy eating doing for me?

Well, like I said, it is making me feel better about whatever I am feeling bad about for the moment.  This is true.  It is also making me feel worse in the long run and causing a great crop of negative thinking to sprout up.  Waying this cost is hard for me because I like the immediate benifit of feeling better and don’t particularly like the delayed gratification that denying myself the junk brings.  BUT, after long thought focused on Steve’s comment, the delayed gratification FAR OUT WEIGHS any other possible benifit that junk food can give.  So for today I feel strong and healthy and resolved with new passion for my health goals.

How is my fear of failure molding my situation?

I am scared to gain it all back.  Unfortunately, the way my little mind works is that when I fear failure I tend not to try as to make sure I don’t fail.  Now taking a step back on this one shows that this is crazy because it is self-fulfilling.  I am scared to fail so I fail on purpose and do the exact thing I am afraid of. HAHAHAHA  No more of this.  The reality in this is that I can’t fail if I just continue to do what I know how to do as far as healthy living goes.  It is a no-brainer really.  I know what to do and that is to keep my eyes on the prize, don’t let go of it, and then make nice little decisions throughout everyday to ensure a victory.  This is not easy at all because the fear is still there but the fear is not as powerful as the full life that can be lived in health.  Self-sabotage many call it.

My addictive side?????

My addictive side grabs hold of that which makes me feel better.  This side of me will barely let go of the medicine.  So when I eat two candy bars with wonderful peanut butter and sugar inside, I feel better for the moment, then my addictive side says, “Oh hell yeah that felt good.  What is wrong with wonderfulness.  Lets keep doing this.”  Contrary to much popular advice that I recieve here and away, small dabbles in such wonderfulness are not a livable scenario for me.  I am often told it is MORE of a lifestyle when I allow this stuff into my life as it is less rigid but I just can’t live that way.  I know myself and taking this reality check helps me to realize that abstinence is the best way to go for several foods in this world.

Negative thinking?

I can get seriously deep into some negative thinking about myself and my journey.  So negative in fact that I can completely forget a good thing that I just accomplished.  This is crazy but it is a reality so why should I deny myself the knowledge of the truth or the opportunity to talk about it.  I can pick out one negative thing out of a sea of positive.  It can be a beautiful day out but I will see a cloud the size of a man’s hand 100 miles away.  HAHAHAHA  I am going to work on this.  WW is not really that hard and it is certainly not impossible.  What is hard is staying on track while I am off track.  The contrary actions.  The lying to myself that I am doing it when I am not doing it.  What the hell!  If I am not doing it I am just going to say to myself I am not doing it and then get back on track.

Perspectives! Life changing!

On my way to work this morning one of my favorite Christian songs from Kutless came on my Ipod.  I wanted to share some of the lyrics with all of you because I have always felt that these lyrics were so powerful.  Then I will talk about how they relate to life for my and my weight loss journey.

• You feel like your life’s crashing down all around you.  Let me ask if it’s really so bad?  Look at the world and it’s suffering, can you honestly tell me that no one else can understand all of the hurting inside.
• Why can’t you see, that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away. Who could you be.  If your lense was changed for a moment would you still be the same.
• Yestertday you really couldn’t see, by changing your angle a new world will be.  Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees.

As I said at the top of this post, these lyrics are very powerful to me.  They are not ony relevant for my weight loss journey but for life in general.  In fact, it seems that “your perspective” is really all that matters some times.  Many times I get really down and blue.  During these times I focus on the negatives and fail to even basically believe that any of the positives exist at all.  This crushes me for the short period that I am like this.  This perspective causes bad food choices, binges, junk food love, sneak eating, negative talk about my body, self-perpectuating cycles of eat/guilt/eat/guilt.

I am in this negative perspective paradigm right now.  But what is the true perspective?  For all of us, when we feel so down about the journey; WHAT IS THE TRUE PERSPECTIVE?  HOW DO WE CHANGE OUR PERSPECTIVE?  I think that changing perspectives is a choice albeit a very difficult one.  I also think that the more time that you spend in one the harder it is to change to the other.  Take my body image for example.  I looked at a larger and more obese body for sooooo many years that even though that image is from the past now, it is like a took a still photo of it and I still see it in my persepctive in the mirror at times.  It is not the true perspective though and I am slowly (very slowly) coming  to terms with the real picture now.

I want to share my present view point and then share the “actual” one.

PRESENT PERSPECTIVE

• I can’t lose the few pounds that I have gained
• I am getting bigger by the day
• Everything is sooo hard
• I am a failure so I should just give in to all temptations
• I am not feeling appreciated
• Food helps me feel better
• Eating healthy is boring
• My job sucks

POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE

• I am very good at losing weight and I have proved that
• I have gained some weight but I am still under WW goal weight
• All things are possible through Him who strengthens me
• I fail sometimes but I am not a failure.  I am blessed and healthy
• Even though I may feel unloved, many people and especially God love me.
• Eating healthy makes me feel more healthy
• Eating healthy is a great way to spice things up.  Anyone can eat unhealthy junk
• My job is a dream job for many people out there and having a job in general is a blessing.
• I am not a fat blob!

It is so hard for me to look at the positive sometimes especially when I am feeling low and don’t want to put the effort into climbing out of the black hole.  But the good is ALWAYS there, it is ALWAYS real, it is ALWAYS there for the taking if I can just remember it.  If I can just be thankful and grateful for what I have and for what has happened along this journey.

I am not doing well on weight watchers.  Nobody turned on the “difficult” switch when I wasn’t looking.  The program is the same. I am still an endurance athlete and “fit as a fiddle” (as Robfitness says).  I will ask for God’s help to change my view of what is going on.  Change my view on how strong I am with Him.  To change my view on what is still and always has been possible.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!  ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE?

What happened yesterday

As most of you know I was a little down in my mood yesterday.  I was worried that it would throw me off of my good string of WW days and kill the positive momentum that I was having.  Well, I did not do perfect but I think I still have a good chance of losing at the next WW weigh-in.  Here is everything I put into my mouth yesterday from morning until night.

 

 

 

 

 

Coffee

Cottage cheese

2 WW frozen dinners

Banana

Nectarine

Alternative bagel

WW cream cheese

Turkey

Popcorn

Fruit cup

Oatmeal Carrots

Hot dog

3 Tootsie pops (bad choice)

12 ounces of LEAN tenderloin (should have had less)

Veggies

2 hot dog buns

1 herbalife shake

All of this food added up to 51 points for the entire day.  I am not too entirely happy about the amount of points but it could have been FAR worse.  I dipped into my 35 weeklies and that is just fine.  So far since my weigh-in I have eaten

All my daily points

16 of my weekly flex points

I have earned 16 activity points

I plan to eat all of my weekly flex points and leave most of my activity points alone.  I will get a lot of AP’s this weekend as I will be running 46 miles.  This should give me around 50 AP’s.  I will eat some but certainly not most of them.  I would like to have around 30 AP’s left by next Wednesday’s weigh-in so that I can have at least one pounds worth of calorie deficit.

I am having serious doubts that I can lose the 15 pounds that I want to.  I don’t know why the switch in my mind got tripped and now I think it is hard to lose.  I have always thought it was hard to maintain but have also felt that losing was easy.  I hope all goes as planned.  I may not weigh-in on Wednesday since it will be after a marathon but I will definitely go to the meeting.

WW update: I am feeling much better for now.

Since Monday, I have been doing very well on WW.  I have been feeling much better physically and emotionally.  I am feeling so depressed as I was and my eating seems to be WAY more under control now.  I will still need to go to the grocery store tonight in order to keep prepared and organized, but so far I have done well.  I am currently in a points deficit for the week.  I have not really messed up at all and I have actually counted and eaten my points properly.  I have been taking notes and counting my points  in an actually notebook since Monday too.  I decided upon the suggestion of others on the journey to give it a shot.  It is a little more real than just enterting the info. into the computer at the WW site.  I like it and hope to be able to keep at it like this.  My food choices have been good ones too.  I have not stopped at the gas station for pepperoni or chips or donuts for a little bit now, this feels tremendously good.  I think I might be on my way to developing the good habits again and doing away with the old bad ones that crept up again.

New Secret came in today. 73 secrets are now disclosed on the secret page

It has been a little while since the secret page has been used, but today we have the blessing of sharing the journey with a secret person.  They have confessed their emotions to get liberated.  Come and read the new secret HERE.

White River 50 Miler Race Report! Long post with pics.

This was by far the most difficult event that I have ever experienced!!  I did this same race last year but this year was much harder.  Many ups and downs.  Many calm and chaotic moments.  In fact, it seemed as though I experienced just about everything during this race.  It was an intensely humbling and cleansing 11 hours and 48 minutes.  I have several pictures and stories of the race so keep reading.

Here I am at the start of the race at 5:30 a.m.  I have my three drop bags in my right hand and my water bottles in the other.  At this point I am a bit nervous about the journey but also very excited.  The early starters took off in into the mountains with a calm spirit.  Two miles into the race my watch beeped to let me know that the signal from my foot pod (the thing that tells me my pace) was lost.  I stopped for about 10 minutes to look for it and finally found it.  Then I looked at my shoe to find the clip that holds the pod onto the shoe and it also was gone. I got mad and threw the foot pod out into the forest.  About a mile later I realized I was looking at the wrong shoe and the clip was still there. DAMN IT!!  I thew a $100 foot pod away for nothing.  This was mentally discouraging because from that point on I never knew how far nor how fast I was running.

Here is a nice shot of what much of the 50 mile trail looked like.  Lots of roots, lots of elevation change, and lots of dust.  My legs were almost black at the finish line.  The fact that it was a trail run is also a major factor in what and how sore I get.  My ankles are very sore now because of the different terrain.  There is also a lot of leaping and jumping involved.

Miles 1-8:  After losing the foot pod my mental side of things kind of pooped out.  Around mile 6 my legs were burning on the up-hills.  This was also alarming but I knew I had to press on.

Miles 9-17:  This was basically the first climb up the first major hill.  It is a very steep and long hill that occasionally had ladders/stairs to get you up to other parts of the trails.  I was still in pretty good spirits though and I usually pass a lot of people going up because my walk is pretty fast.  The down hill sections are the ones were I usually get passed by others.  Once I got to the top of the first hill it was a relief but I knew that it was still only the beginning.

Here I am at the 27.2 mile aid station.  It took me 5 hours and 23 minutes to get there.  My wonderful wife met me with some water and socks.   I washed off my feet and changed socks.  What a refreshing feeling it was just to change my socks.  I had a blister developing on the ball of each foot at this point.  These blisters were not show stoppers by any means but they were still there.  At this point I told my wife that I was having a tough time with the run and that it was harder than last year.  It did feel good to be half-way finished but the long down-hill tromp took a tool on my legs.  The turns at the switch backs were really hard because you have to come to almost a stop to make the turn and that takes a lot of leg power when going down hill.

After a 3 or 4 minute rest, I am off again to tackle the second major climb of 8 miles.  The second climb is a bit shorter but also a bit steeper.  By the time I got to the top I was stumbling around a little. HAHAHAHA  Feeling a little fresher from my rest felt good mentally but I knew that the next 8 miles was going to hurt.  This section is also mostly exposed to the direct heat of the sun.  This complicated matters for my attitude.

Miles 27-37:  This was gruesome.  I inched my way up that gigantic hill running any flat or down hill portions.  This hill also contain lots of rocks which frustrated my ankles and hips.  When I got to the top one of the aid station volunteers was worried about me because I was stumbling and maybe swaying a little.  I told her that I was stumbling and that I planned to sit down for about 10 minutes to rejuvenate.  So I did just that.  At the top of the mountain I sat down and the aid station people when to work on me.  They sponge bathed my head, arms and legs.  Got my water bottles filled up with my calorie drink.  Got me some Mt. Dew to drink to get me pepped up right away.  They asked me questions to make certain that I was coherent and ready to run again.  After that I was off to tackle the most difficult section of the race in my opinion.  It is a steep 7 mile down hill on a gravel road.

Here are two photos of the view from climb #2.  That is Mt. Rainier with the snow on it.  Keep in mind that the trail that I was running on was basically a ski resort without the snow so that gives you a small glimpse of the steepness of the trails.  And believe me, running down the trails IS NOT EASIER than running up the trail.

This is just another view of the majestic wilderness of the Mt. Ranier National Forest.

My beautiful wife came to the race with me.  Boy she makes it so much more fun.  I love my wife so much and her presence at this race made so much difference to me.  You know when you are a kid and you hurt yourself out of the presence of your mom. You don’t cry at all but the moment that you see your mom you start to cry.  Well, that is exactly what I did.  After I finished the race my wife asked me how it was and I told her it was the hardest thing I had ever gone through and started to cry.  I held it in because so many people were around but if they weren’t I would have just balled right there in her lap.

Crossing the finish line was a major relief.  I thought probably 100’s of time that I just couldn’t make it but I did.  Races like these go much deeper mentally than shorter ones.  It was a very trying experience but I would certainly do it again.  When I finished, there were still about 90 people out on the course and about 50 of those would eventually finish.  The rest either did not make the 14 hour cut-off time or just had to stop running for whatever reason.  Whatever happens, everyone who gets to the starting line is a winner in my book.

Moments after the finish I took a much appreciated rest on my wife’s blanket to take in some hydration and watch others finish.  The after glow was nice and the amazement of the accomplishment was very heavy in this picture.

Being honest about yourself.

I need to be honest about who I am.  This is basic stuff that is easily forgotten.  I can try and convince myself that I am like someone else or that I have more “will power” than I actually do or that I am in perfect control but this gets me nowhere.  Being honest with myself will get me “somewhere” much closer to where I am trying to go.  This post is a spin off of yesterdays post. 

Let me give you a “word picture” of what it looks like when I am NOT honest with myself.  In my mind I start to think that I can do what I want with minimal consequences.  I mean shoot, lots of other people do it.  I say people eat whatever they want and stay think all the time and since I am NOW thin I can do the same.  I run a lot too so I have even more fudge room.  Anyway, so I start doing this and it works out for a little bit.  I start to become confident in my bodies ability fight off fat and not gain.  A week or two goes by and I have a gain but I blame it on a marathon or a long run.  This allows me to remain dishonest with my true personality.

Now let me give you what it looks like when I AM honest with myself.  I count what I eat because I know that weight loss, maintenance, and gain are all just dictated by a basic formula.  I even count the points that I eat during long runs and keep counting my points for the rest of the day after a maraton.  I may go a little hog wild but the next meal is right on track.  I never weigh myself because I can look at my numbers and know how I am doing because I have been honest with what I have consumed and burned.  I realize that it is not complicated to keep it off as long as I stay away from the junk that send me into the deep end.  To this end, I stay away from those things regardless of what I want or how much activity I have done.

Are you honest with yourself or do you believe your own little deceptions.  I believe the heck out of myself I tell ya.  Here are some basic statements that bring me back to reality.

• I am pre-disposed to being addictive with food that have a high abuse potential.
• I try and feel better by eating these foods but don’t end up accomplishing it.
• I am a happier person when I am more rigid and experience success.
• Junk food develops an addictive cycle in my life.
• I need scheduled and organized grocery shopping outings.
• I love to eat large quantities so I need to eat really healthy stuff so that I can.  Junky food or not, I am going to eat larger amounts.  I like bulk.
• I never really missed the junk food that I am eating now when I was not eating it.  I wanted it in the “bad” moments but 15 minutes later the temptation was gone.

What about you guys?  Do you know yourself as a person and develop your eating and healthy living routine around the truth?

Running alone doesn’t keep the weight off!!

I know this might sound impossible but it is sooooo accurate.  Running/exercise will not keep you from gaining weight.  It can help you out a lot in the good fight for healthy but standing by itself it will not do it.  EATING! is the determining factor.  I mean you can gain, lose, or stay the same without exercise.  You might not be as healthy overall but your weight can be stablized or moved in the direction you desire.  Of course the best combination is using both exercise and proper eating to lose or maintain weight.  This is a hard lesson for me as a runner.  I dreamed of the possibility that running could offer me a carefree life regarding food and treats.  How far from reality my thinking was.

It is very easy to eat more than you burn while exercising.  Even after running 50 miles you can eat more calories than you burned even before you go to bed that night.  Here are some examples from real life calorie expenditures that I have experienced and what I could (and have) eat to still be able to gain.

• 6 miles @ 7:28 pace= 857 calories.  My normal is to eat 3 maple bars.  This adds up to 1,380 calories.  I actually do this too!!!
• Marathon @ 10:19 pace= 3,617 calories.  After this last marathon I ate: 32 oz of Mt. Dew @ 440 calories.  I then ate two sausages with buns: 1,100 calories.  I also had a two scoop ice cream cone at B&B: 565 calories.  So that is 2105 calories within about 2 hours of the marathon.  This does not include the 1,400 calories I ate during the marathon nor does it include my dinner and snacks later in the day.  So adding what I wrote up I have already consumed as many calories as I have burned just 2 hours after the race.

This are real life examples and it is here to prove to myself that eating is far more important in weight issues than is exercise for me.  I can do the exercise but I need to focus on proper eating again.  It is a myth that endurance  and vigorous exercise makes you hungry.  Good exercise actually supresses hunger.  It does not however supress the thoughts of entitlement to food though.  Hopefully you enjoyed a small journey into the depths of my life. HAHAHAHAHAHA

My weight watchers weigh-in results. Who would have known!

Here I am around the 20 mile mark of the Strolling Jim 40 Miler

I had my weigh-in last night.  I was figuring that I would gain 5 pounds and I was actually ok with that.  I skipped last week because I have always gained after a big race but I normally don’t keep the post race eating spree going for another week.  This time I kept it going my friends.  I kept my bad eating going from Sunday May 3rd to Tuesday May12th.  I am not proud of this but I wanted to tell you all the bare bones truth.  For this reason, I was expecting a gain but I was just going to take it for what it was.

How did I do you may be asking yourself.  WELL, I WEIGHED IN AT 183.4 LBS.  That means I stayed exactly the same weight.  I did not lose an ounce nor gain an ounce.  What an amazing thing this is.  I am so happy about it but I am not allowing this to proof that I can eat whatever and not gain weight.  My body is stabilizing at it’s happy weight but I know that I can make that weight go up in no time if I don’t care about what I eat.  So the eating spree is over for now.  I am back on WW track today and feel really good about that.

MY EATING SPREE’S.  NOW AND IN THE PAST.

One thing that I think might be the reason for why I did not gain is my perception of what an eating spree is.  Sure, these last two weeks have pretty much been off program but not in the same way as “off program” before WW.  Before WW, “off program” would have been a 3 foot log of summer sausage and half a pound of cheese each week.  It would have been a whole large pizza twice a week.  It would have been fried food after work but before dinner everyday.  It would have been a huge lunch out.  Now my “off program” is to eat pretty much on WW all day long and ate night I go off of program.  “Off program” now means that I might eat a small bag of chips on the way home from work before I work in the yard but I skip dinner because I am working.  It means that I go out to eat but don’t count my points but actually end up eating the salmon with veggies and might even have some of the bread.  It means that I snack on some crackers and eat several bites of my wife’s cake.  It means that I eat the more calorie packed subway sandwich instead of the loads of fried food.  I guess what I am trying to say but not justify, is that now when I go off program I am still eating a million times better as compared to when I was NEVER on program.

Does that make any sense.

Will I ever be “normal”? Maybe not with food!

image credit: http://www.oregondairycouncil.org

I guess in some ways I am normal but not in the area of food.  I just have not been doing good on WW lately.  I have been maintaining (SO FAR) but I have not been eating good foods at night really.  I have seemed to lose my routine a little bit.  I ate horribly yesterday and I ate things that I have not eaten for years.  I don’t know why I did it.  I know I don’t want to eat like that but at the same time I do.  Here is what I ate yesterday after work and I am scared to admit it even but I am going to do it anyway.  Maybe it will help someone out there and at the least maybe it will help me.

Imagery for escapism.

image credit: homeyra.files.wordpress

In talking with a friend the other day about my own former and present desire to escape using food, drugs, etc., I shared an imaginative word picture to describe the reality of trying to escape. 

I may have shared this before but I can’t really remember.  I hate rejection.  I hate knowing or feeling like the people I love are mad at me.  It hurts me and I don’t deal with it good and when I feel like they are mad at me I sometimes eat to escape the feeling.  I used to drink to escape it, then I ate to escape it, maybe now I run to escape it.  Not sure but the point is that you really can’t escape the feelings and emotions and the situations of life.  We can try as hard as we want to but life goes on and so will the chaos around us.  We must walk on and fight our way through it.  I can’t escape, so maybe I should stop trying too.

Here is my word picture.  Sit back and relax.  Try and really picture this little imagery story in your mind as you read it.  Try to “see” it.  It impacted me greatly years ago and I find it to be true to this day.

As you get high or drunk or sugar drunk, you slowly yet peacefully start to rise up and float away from your chaotic surroundings.  All the craziness and hurt disappears as it gets smaller and smaller while you move towards the clouds.  You look down with a sigh of relief that all the crap is going bye bye.  It is becoming smaller to you even second.  Now you are in the clouds.  You have forgotten the chaos.  Enjoying yourself.  The peace, the quiet, the relief.  Of but wait a minute.  You start to float back downward.  You body leaves the clouds then your head.  You can begin to see the remnants of the chaos below as it grows in size.  Closer.  Cloooser.  Even closer now.  You abruptly touch down exactly in the same spot from which you left.  Nothing has changed.  Nothing is better.  You landed safe and sound but everything you were trying to accomplish by going up into the clouds is frivolous now.  You are in the same spot as you were before and the chaos is the same or it may have even grown in magnitude.  Then you try to go up again…….

Now think about if you spend years trying to escape only to find that you have lost that many years.  You keep trying to get away but life keeps on going by and when escaping doesn’t work you end up back where you started only further behind.  Food can’t do it.  Alcohol and drugs can’t do it.  Sex can’t do it.  Love can’t do it.  Nothing will work when you are trying to escape.  We can do this.  We can learn and grow and change so that we don’t have to try to escape and avoid anymore.  We can move on from the hurts.

If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer!!!

Kick me when I’m down gosh darnit.  I am trying to kind of start over today with eating right and counting.  I am on the verge of the negative guilt cycle but not there yet.  Then, two giant beautifully yummy pizzas are brought to me and my boss as a business gift.  I take one pizza in hand to deliver it myself to the ladies in the front office.  I really felt like I got kicked in the nads.  I am just going to list a couple of the ways I was feeling.

 

• I felt like I couldn’t be a normal person and indulge.
• I was mad that it is not healthy to just chow down.
• I was sad that I chose to miss out on the pizza.
• Why? Why? Why?

So I walked back to my office thinking of the title to this post.  If hunger is not the problem then food is not my answer.  I told myself that I am strong and healthy.  I told myself that I am not more of a complete person just because I eat pizza.  I am no less of a person if I chose not too eat it either.  I tried talking myself into believing that pizza doesn’t really matter to me and that food temptation usually only lasts around 5 minutes.  It was not the taste I was wanting, it was not the fullness that I wanted, it was the emotional feeling of being a normal person that I wanted.

Freakin A.  I am a normal person. HAHAHA  Only now I am a healthy normal person.  I don’t have to drown out feelings of insecurity or inferiority with food.  Screw that.  I will walk on and be strong.  I will not eat the pizza.  I will stay within my points which is designed to keep me satisfied for the day.  I know my points allowance for the day is enough.  One piece of pizza right now would put me at zero points for dinner.  I don’t want just veggies for dinner.  I want a real dinner and a real dinner I will have because I am going to make the healthy choice.  In fact, I already have.  I don’t have my camera to take a pic but I wish I did.  They cut the piece extra huge and the first thing I thought of was that I could count it as one piece even though it is big enough to be two.

See you later.

I am starting to see a pattern here!

RUNNING = EATING. 

That is the pattern.  Since my 35 miler, I have not been doing well on weight watchers.  That would be two weeks of not doing good on weight watchers.  This is a dang pattern.  The more I run the worse I eat.  I truly don’t believe that my body “NEEDS” a lot of extra food and especially bad food, but I think it is me telling myself, “Oh I can have this because I bet the running will make up for it”.  I hate this pattern.  I am scared of this pattern.  It is true, the last two weeks have been very big running weeks for me but that does not mean it is time to just eat whatever.  I still think that I might be ok at my Tuesday night weigh-in but I am not sure nor am I confident about it.

Nights and weekends

I have really had to make a conscious effort to count my points at night and on weekends lately.  Sometimes I do ok and other times I don’t count at all and just end up “estimating”.  I don’t like this at all.  I don’t like feeling a little out of control with the food.

Groceries and Organization

One of the biggest reasons for the struggle lately is that fact that I have not taken care of myself in the area of preparation with groceries.  As you know I have been busy working in the yard and running so I have not been to the grocery store for a long time now.  I went yesterday and stocked up on lots of good healthy foods.  I also came home right away and prepared a good portion of my daily lunches for the week.  This should help me get back on track with my points and monitoring.

Do you make the excuse to eat more or badly because you had a big exercise day?

Do you have a hard time with counting points/calories at night and on weekends?

Does grocery shopping and planning help you succeed?