Posts Tagged ‘Struggles

06
Jan
11

Weight watchers: if you blow it……..hold on cuz it might not be so bad

So yesterday I had a scare at work that basically through me (somewhat unknowingly) into myemotional eating persona. LOL.  It was stressful that’s for sure and the minute somebody asked me if I wanted some fast food I hoped right on that band wagon without a thought.  Then I felt guilty about it and ate a bunch of candy.  All in all I ate 91 WW points for the day.  It was a true blow up but I stopped it after the candy since I was actually pretty dang full of the yummy fatties.  I wasn’t going to count any of those points but today I decided it is what it is and I should count it.  I turned out that it was not such a horrible blow up after all.  Sure I emotionally ate which I don’t like to get into when I can help it but even after counting all 91 points I still have 13 weekly points left.  That was a huge relief and I could have enjoyed many more hours of “NON-GUILT” if I would have just counted it right away and known the truth.  So it was a good lesson RELEARNED!!!  If you blow it, just hold on, stop, and count the calories/points.  It is usually not as bad as you think it is.  It is the guilt that you let fester that kills you because you hop right back into that bad healthy cycle.

Today was a much better day for eating.  I also ran.  Yesterday I didn’t run because of the work emergency and the mass amount of food made me to full to run.  But I was back at it today.  It was a drizzling dark night tonight with heavy heavy fog.  The run was tough, I ran faster than I normally do and I just wasn’t in to it.  I didn’t enjoy it that much but sure was happy that I did it.  Here are a couple of pics from the run.

this is what my run looked like to me. it was actually pretty beautiful and neat

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27
Dec
10

A new dawn ahead: Weight Watchers, Running, and a Fresh start

A new year is ahead of us.  This year has been a very wild ride for me personally.  I have not been posting here at all for sometime for various reasons but have not stopped writing because writing is something that helps me learn about myself, my ways, and my weight loss journey.  I hope that I have not lost all my friends here.  I am going to start posting regularly again and I am pretty darn excited about it.  Please feel free to join in on my adventures for 2011. 

For starters, I have gained about 50 lbs.  Yeah that is a lot but what can I do about it now except move forward into a new and exciting dawn. 

This was during my run tonight.

Here I am just days ago during my family christmas

Running

Part of the weight gain came about because of a serious burn out on running that was largely due to personal life stuff that I described on the blog earlier this year.  I tried hard to hold on to all the running I was doing but I just couldn’t, not with the mental stress and life changes.  Plus, I was working really hard on balance. I think I went to far with it though………….LOL!  So I never stopped running but I cut way back and am currently on my way back to running more and getting fit.  Come along with me as I progress again in my fitness, endurance, and running.  I feel like I am practically starting all over with running but I am far from that I think.  Still, way out of shape in my opinion and the extra wait is not fun to run around with.

Weight Watchers

I am, as you may have guessed, doing weight watchers for the “healthy eating” portion of my journey.  I get lots of points on this new POINTS PLUS plan.  Seems pretty well.  At the current time I am not going to meetings but doing it online.  I am having good success with it so far and plan to continue that for sure.  With the exception of xmas day I am eating pretty good and counting EVERYTHING. I know what to do, I am not making excuses, and I will succeed. Soon enough I will look like this again. LOL

Stay tuned to the blog to follow my journey-a-fresh.  I am excited and I hope that my posts can help you on your own journey with real life inspiration.  IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.  I AM COMING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD!!!

18
May
10

A special gift, a fast run, and losing 4 lbs.

Yesterday I was inspired by a VERY special person to keep on posting on the blog.  She reminded me that my journey was special and that I was special too.  I work a lot of hours and don’t spend a whole lot of time at home anymore.  After work yesterday when I got home, there was a special gift sitting on my front door step.  It was my favorite dessert in the world from Elephants Delicatessen: The infamous ding dong cake.  I could not find a picture of it and it would probably make the strongest of  you fall of the wagon anyway. LOL.  It was just sitting there and enclosed within the bag was a magnificent letter of encouragement.  It made my day and it offered my up a fabulous post run meal.  🙂  Thanks special person!

Once I got over the intense pleasure of receiving a wonderful gift I started to prepare for my run.  Well, after some thank you’s and a 5 minute nap.  I woke up refreshed and looking forward to a good run.  I had 7 miles a goal marathon pace which is about 7:30 minute miles.  I knew it was going to be hard but I was not afraid of that.  I was not afraid of failing in this run.  I took a step out the front door to experience what ever the run would lead me too.  I reached into my running jacket pocket to commence Breaking Benjamin on my Ipod.  As the song Anthem of Angels flooded my ears I began my run halfway down my driveway.  My neighborhood road is exactly .5 mile to the main road I venture out on.  There is a hill just before the main road and I was tired already.  I did not hesitate to walk about 50 feet because I knew I had to run a fast run and walking that short distance would not hurt me.  I was already breathing hard but kept at it.  I got to the main road and settled into my pace.  I ran and ran and ran and listened and listened.  Much emotion was built into this run and it carried me a good distance.  After 3 miles I finally got into my zone and the running felt easier which is odd because usually it takes me a good hour to kick into smooth running.  Step by step, minute after minute, mile after mile………..I made my way back home averaging a pace of 7:29 just like the clock in the pic.  It was a hard run and it was a succesful run.  I am just getting back into running goal paced runs more regularly since the 100 mile attempt last February.  It feels good and I am looking forward to growing in running again. 

I also lost 4 lbs last week.  My workouts with the trainer are going well and I can see changes in my body already.  I will have to lay off the legs though so I will probably be cutting the training down to twice a week really hard without the third day for legs.  I’m STILL keeping on keeping on.

A word for my fellow journy-people:

Sometimes life is smooth sailing.  The trail you are running is clear without obstruction.  You feel good, you are succeeding, you are winning the good fight.  Then comes a steep steep hill.  This hill comes out of nowhere and it scares the crap out of you.  You have no idea how you can make it up such a steep climb and you don’t understand how such a huge obstacle could just appear right in the middle of your smooth sailing  journey.  ITS OK!!!  You will keep at it.  Taking one step at a time climbing higher and higher until you reach the top but it will be hard and that’s ok too.  There may be plateaus mid-hill.  You maybe be able to rest for a moment only realizing you are not at the top and that the weight you carry is just too much to carry on.  There is hope in this hill.  You will learn yourself, you will change, you will become the person you dream of.  You’ll be able to start again up this hill.  And the higher you climb the more the hope that was lost will be begin to build up again.  There is hope, there is victory!

05
May
10

Running through it

Over the last several months I have not done a whole lot of being consistant.  I have had a very hard time getting my life back together enough so that I can once again stick to a “normal” schedule of daily operations.  At least this is what I have thought……………………….but I have had a stroke of insight today.  I have not been doing ALL BAD!  So I will look on the bright side of things.  I have developed and implemented a new system at my work place that will change it forever and for the better.  I have followed my dreams of training for, and finally attempting to run 100 miles.  I have continued to eat ok enough not to gain ALL my weight back.  I have held it together in many ways but it still does not take away the fact that it has been really really hard.  And the hard stuff is not over yet either.  Sometimes I feel it is only getting harder.  But one thing I know for sure is that I have been running through it all.  It is the constant (other than God) that stands firmly in place.  Well, not always firmly but I have not let go of it.  I have cut back, gone hard, eased off, etc. etc.  But I have not turned my back on running.  I have pretty much stayed with at least two days a week of running.  My come back races were 32 and 41 miles. 

This tiny piece of consistancy, with which coach dean has helped tremendously, has helped me piece things together.  It has helped me have a foundation to build off of again.  I am back to exercising with cross-training.  I am excited once again about my running goals.  I am looking forward to doing more running in the very near future and Coach Dean will help me attain physically what I want to attain emotionally as a way for me to set a foundation for all that is to come.  I have to start somewhere.  Heck, I have already started long ago, but I have finally realized I cannot do this all at once.  I cannot go at this with an all or nothing approach like I normally can.  i just don’t have the mental nor emotional energy to do so.  So it will go step by step but I will keep on keeping on.  I will run, I will eat, I will workout, I will talk things out with people I trust, I will remember my blessings and……………………………………..things will become what I desire them to be.  I have learned a lot about being patient with myself and that has been hard.  But I am glad I have learned it.  VERY GLAD.

19
Mar
10

Do you remember???????????????

This is my journal which contains every step of my journey over the last 6 months. It's got pictures, song lyrics, in-depth reviews of my own emotions, and lots and lots of processing. The small book on top is my newest WW book without any stickers.

Today I am choosing to REMEMBER!  On my way to work I stopped to get my morning coffee (which I am going to hopefully stop soon) and the powerful urge to get a donut or a pepperoni hit me.  I have developed some bad habits in hermitville.  But today I remembered why I started this health journey.  I remembered how it makes me feel to eat donuts on the way to work in my car all by myself so nobody sees.  I remembered how proud I was of myself when I was eating better, not perfect, but better.  So today’s motto is REMEMBER WHY!

Here is why I first started and continue on my journey.

  • I was starting to breathe hard just getting out of bed.
  • I had a very hard time to get my shoes on.
  • I felt like shit about myself because I was not living according to the way I really wanted to.
  • Being overweight was like being in an emotional tumble drying, my mind constant knocked me around about it.
  • I lived more secretively because I was afraid to be honest about my eating.
  • I was more afraid of rejection and that caused a lot of the secretiveness which in turned only caused weight gain.
  • I wanted to feel good about the way I was living.
  • I wanted to run a marathon someday.
  • I wanted to be fit and healthy so that normal activities would be WAY easier.

So those are the things I am rememering today.  What is it that brought you to the starting line of your own journey?  Are they all physical things like skinny jeans, small shirts, flat stomach, etc?  Or were some of them emotional and mental things that brought you to toe the line for the first time or possibly again?

There is no shame at trying again.  There is honor in it though.  EVERYBODY who succeeds has had to try again.  Mess ups happen, it might be a little easier to get back on track if you remember why you wanted to start this journey in the first place.

19
Feb
10

Point of inspiration and rememberance.

Had a horrible day the other day.  It was just killing me how I have been eating, how I see my body, how I see my running, how I see myself in general.  Basically, had a bad day because of my self talk and just feeling bad for myself and so unconfident.  But……..I got an email from a good friend.  My good friend did not know I was basically in the pit of self hatred that day, but he was sensitive to it.  I can’t even express the importance of that email to me.  The only way I can explain it’s impact on me is LIFE CHANGING.  The email did not have any information that I don’t already know.  It did not have any secret to success.  It was just a PERFECTLY timed picture of my story injected into my life.  Basically, the jist of it was that he was telling a group of people about my journey from the start of WW all the way to DNF’ing at 63 miles in the 100 and through to present.  You see, my friend knows my “situation” in my personal life.  He knows that what I have accomplished during these dark days is nothing small.  So his email was a reminder to me.

It is so easy to forget what I have done.  That I have really done amazing things even for a person who has not lost 130 lbs.  He described the faces, the emotions, and the tears of the listeners of the real life story.  And by reading this, I was completely filled with life again.  It was like I was encased in this bubble or dark room but when I read the email I was removed from that fog and put into reality again.  I was humbled by the achievements that I had done.  I was appreciative of all the people who have helped and supported me along the way.  I was thankful for just not giving up on my own dreams while others were giving up on me.  I have a hard time, REALLY HARD TIME, having confidence these last three or four months.  I have been broken and forgot the stength that I really do have.  The ability to overcome.  I still struggle so much with loving myself, and accepting my body, and taking myself for who I am.  But yesterday I started out a fresh.  I ate perfectly.  I exercised well.  I thought well of myself.  Maybe………….I can start my new life on good terms with myself and achieve what I want for myself.  I want to achieve a healthy self respect.

07
Jan
10

Totally bummed but keeping on.

Shooting very sharp pain stabbed me right in the mid-left back last night during my run.  I was kicking butt on my 6 mile speed work run but at the 3.5 mile mark I was stopped dead in my tracks.   I had to walk home.  I think it was a cramp or something.  Not an injury I don’t think.  I felt so out of shape and fat and discouraged after that.  I normally don’t have two runs that I cannot complete in the same week time frame but this week I did.   Me long run of 35 miles last Sunday was not completed nor was my full 6 miler.  This is ok in the long run of my journey but it still stings the esteem a bit.

I also had this horrible dream about the 100 miler that I will be doing.  I scared the heck out of my.  I think a nice dream about the end of the world or some evil thing chasing me would have been better.  In my dream I started out at an 8 min. pace for the first ten miles.  Got totally exhausted, fell asleep in some thatch roofed hut, got up to finish the race and collapsed at the 30 mile mark.  Woke up feeling like poooo after that.

I move on from all of this though.  Keeping things in perspective helps.  I can run 20 miles without any soreness or hardship.  Even 40 miles is not so bad anymore.  I am actually in good shape even if my feable mind can’t see it for the time being.  My eating is improving a lot.  I also discovered AGAIN that eating in my truck is VERY VERY EVIL.  HAHAHAHA  Can’t do it and be successful.  “Auto” eating is not good for me.